Today I finally resolved something that has been tormenting my thoughts for some time now.  I finally realized the reality of my feelings for April Brown, my friend-no more than a good friend, but no less than a good friend.  I went to see her today, right after work.  Standing at the door, having rung the bell, butterflies coated my stomach.  What would I say?, what would I do?, would she even want to see me?  For the second time at her door, I stood there, hoping almost that no-one would answer the door.  I had no such luck, she was home, and her mom answered the door.  What followed next was, although tense, a release from the pandemonium of thoughts I had created.  It was tense because neither of us wanted to talk about Holly, or the accident.  I didn't want to bring it up, for fear of causing pain to April, in addition to just plain fear of talking about it.  We talked for about 45 minutes or so, mostly about school and campus life.  I could think of nothing else to talk about, and there were a few long, uncomfortable pauses as we both realized we didn't really have much to say.  I came to an understanding, however, when I left so that she could take a nap, that things were settled between us.  There were no hard feelings or misgivings between us, no anger or jealousy, or any of the other emotions I feared were there between the two of us.  I realized that I was not in love with April, ending that argument with myself, but also realized that our friendship was not in jeapordy because of those confused emotions from so long ago.  She was happy to see me, and, more than anything else, that brought joy to my heart, even if she was half comatose from the pain pills, and wasn't very lively-I had to ask for a hug when I left.  While we never broached the subject of the accident, she seemed be taking things well, getting the pieces back together.  Of course, it is hard too judge, since she was, like I said, in a slight daze from her medicine, and we never talked about it.

This entry seems too mechanical to me.  I had thought it would be much more emotional, marking the end to my frustration as it is.  Life always seems to throw a curve at us, however.  While this was the first time I had seen April since graduation, I can't help but feel that it was not the heralding of more time together.  With all that has happened, both to her in the recent past and further back at HSU, and to myself, things are different.  We're both very different than we once were, I believe.  Only time can tell how our path shall go, wide at times, narrow at others, who can truly say?  Despite this, I am glad I saw her again.  It was so much of a relief to go through with it and see her, talk to her, be with her, even if she was drugged up, and I had nothing to say.  When I first saw her, laying back in the couch/recliner, her arm in a sling, eyes slightly dazed, hair down, body seemingly lifeless, all thought left me, and I had nothing to say, nothing to think.  I was unsure what to do, how to approach April, how to re-initiate our relationship.  I was even a little scared, unnerved, nervous, and confused.  However, I was glad to be there, and that overrules it all.  In forty five minutes...no words can really explain it all.