Christa and I will probably just be friends it seems. OH well. It's odd though, cuz, at this level of friendship, I wonder what the big deal is about boyfriend/girlfriend anyway. Jeesh, the only thing that keeps us from being boy/girfriend is the kissy/snuggle sex stuff...which I'm not really so terribly needing anyways. We had our first (and i guess last) real "date" thursday. I've seen her almost every day since then, and still ain't sick of her. ;)
So I guess what I'm saying is this: what's the difference between friendship and love?
So yeah, she came over yesterday for dinner *again*...tole ya I had too much food. I gotta pick up some tortillas for all that ground beef leftover to make tacos/burritos. cheese too I guess.

My sleep schedule is all fucked up. Too many naps at odd hours does that to you.

My test in my applied statistics class yesterday sucked hard core...goes to show you what happens when you think you know somethign better than you really do. One more test tommorrow (Sructure of American English) and then it's spring break baby. Yay!

Very odd dream last night: For some reason, "Cooling" stuck in my head as I fell asleep...but not in any way was the dream related to that song...I dreamed about the "cooling chamber" about a zillion miles underwater where all those long lost canned goods hide...coca cola and canned refried beans mainly, that TALK!...I almost found myself there several years ago, after falling into the lake, and almost drowning...This time, I dove in after some beautifull woman (coulda been christa but I don't think so) and followed her down, and down, and down and down...don't know how I didn't run outta breath, the feeling of releasing air streams is quite heavily ingrained into me...anyway, I eventually made it to the cave and there was this hierarchy based on age...the older cans were canabilizing the younger cans and they seemed evil to me...I don't know how the cans could use can openers, but they were, and eating the refried beans...I had to leave to go practice flying (in a Tomcat or something), It was flight I've done hundreds of times before--almost like my escape from the real world, but I guess I was in the air force training school or something...Anyway, I come back to the lake a few days later to find it drained and there's a path leading down to it...someone seems to be making a movie or documentary about it, and all these hundreds of thousands of people are there on the path to see this "cooling chamber"...I walk down to it through this chain link fenced off area, and the security guards (who looked like Secret Service men) just waved me on like I belonged there or something...then I woke up, but the dream was burnt into my memory. I can even vividly describe the strange harness I had to wear for flying, in detail. I didn't even need to write this one down...very strange. I tried analyzing it a bit, but am clueless for the most part.

I hafta go to class now. see yas.

You know you're journalling too much when you find yourself writing ".html" after the dates on yer lecture notes...jeesh!
 

Primus 12.31.97

Christa told me I shouldn't be so critical about this journal (in response to the "this writing seems stale and forced to me, I better stop now" bit form the other day. It's strange because, while I don't mind her reading...even enjoy the thought to some extent, she and I never really discuss it. I don't feel right bringing it up, really. I've said what I have to say, if she wants to respond, she can do so whenever and however she wants. In fact, our whole 'relationship'/'friendship' whatever is like this...everything rests on her shoulders and that makes me feel odd for some reason. She is granted full access to my mind, since I censor nothing here. I don't ask the same of her, I don't *expect* the same of her. I don't really know how to handle this whole thing. It makes me feel uncomfortable, this grey area...like I ask too much of her by *not* asking anything of her.

I've found myself wondering what it will be like over spring break knowing I can't call her up or invite her over or see her class or, or, or...
I don't expect she'll be on my mind constantly...she isn't now, even when I have all these encounters to mull over...

She's essentially my only deep and personal friend here it seems...and given the attraction I had/have/will have(?) it causes much debate/thought/writing on the matter.

Maybe the problem is that she's *too* good a person...accepting, caring, understanding...not disdaining or refuting or, or, or...It's just so *new* for me to not worry about just being *myself*, without concealing bits and pieces, or pretending things or *whatever*...and still being accepted. I *wonder* what Christa thinks, I don't *worry* what she thinks. I've never been in this position before. I like it so much it disturbs me at times, like now.

I had a question abou class for her today. It was the kind of thing I don't think an email will explain, so I meant to stop by her house while out on a few other errands...but I missed a turn and found myself on a road with the only outlet 101. So I got on the highway, got back off, then continued to just *drive* for a while. _yield_ sounded so *great* over my car speakers...I just wanted to listen and listen and listen...so I drove north for a ways.
I almost lost it. I almost didn't turn around and come back. It frightened me to realize this.
IN a way, I'm glad I got on 101 north though, because it convinced me I *could* come back, on my own, w/o intervention on another's part, w/o promises made by other people, w/o support from another...I could weather that stormy road, and I could take hold of the reigns alone. I didn't turn around for Christa. I didn't turn around for my parents or family. I didn't turn around because I have test tommorrow...I turned around for myself. I'm beating this bout of depression god mother fucking DAMNIT, and I'm doing it so that I will never have to trip back into sanity again. I can walk the line, alone, and choose the side that says LIFE. Everyone here, and everything tere, it's all just icing on the cake now.

I don't think I've ever explicity told the story of the Grand Canyon here. I've alluded to it on numerous occasions, I know, but never really told of the struggle for life I went through down there. In many ways, thinking back on that time gives me strength. What I had to go through then, marching through the pain, the nausea, the utter and total lack of bodily strength...surviving on sheer will *alone* and I ***truly*** mean alone in every motha fuckin sense of da word... I could pull myself from the jaws of unwanted death by fighting like I'd never fought before then. SO FUCK IT I can fight this depression now, and I am, and I'm winning, thankyouverymuch.
So yeah, here I am, again, alluding to that story. I'm putting it up here tommorrow. It will be linked from tommorrow's entry and that is the only link to it there will be. It means too much to me for it to be accessible anywhere else.