I dreams of Sarah MacAdam last night/this morning...one of those half awake/asleep daydreams really. I felt this overpowerin sense of fatiigue, loss, and depression. From somewhere it came to me that sarah was dead...

The dream then flashed back a few days. I was watching a soccer field line up with players, noting all the "stats" listed on paper pinned to each players jersey...but it wasn't soccer statistics, just general human things...name, age, birthplace, jersey number...The game started and I saw mysef standing on the sidelines, watching with keen interest. In my dream I did not know this game they played. I recall this intense desire to join in, to become welcome, to be accepted as a player. When the ball came near me on the field, i jumped over the side line and kicked it. Immediately my joy in joining dissappeared as the otehr players eyed my sternly. "Out of Bounds!" the unseen referree decreed...and my shoulders sagged. "How many players should be on the field?" I asked oe of them..."Nine" he said. I strolled back out of bounds and watched as two players, seeminlgy hurt, limping, carrying each other off the field, walked over to me. "Here, take my place...back there by android(?)" I looked where he had indicated, seeming a man who, in his cold aloofness, did indeed resemble an android. I assumed it was just a nickname. I ran out to take my place in the fray.

I soon found myself in the midst of a major offensive push by the other team. They were right in front of the goal and I was trying to get the ball away...I failed, they shot, and the ball went in the net...

Then I saw sarah. She looked no different than last I'd seen her...but there was a sadness in her eyes. She saw me and joked around a bit, but the sadness never left her. We struggled together to keep the otehr team from scoring again and again, but it was no use.

It was just a few moments before I awoke that I realize with cold certainty, that sarah was dead because she killed herself just a few days later. I awoke with a heavy heart, confused over what my dream meant. I was frightened by it...particually since it's meanings were so blatantly telling about my life, her life, our friendship, and about winning/losing our own petty games in life...

We all lose touch with people once close to our hearts. It is the pattern of life, but it's so hard to realize this and accept it. I did write that email to amy, and she replied, acknowledging my concern about our drifting apart. She gave me her phone number, asked me mine...and now I feel this burden to rebuild our friendship from miles and miles and miles away...it scares me to even *feel* this burden. Amy is my friend, a _true_ friend...why should I feel so reluctant to converse with her? I suppose it boils down to fear of myself being who I now am, fear of having to discuss with her things I don't *want* to discuss with her. Her opinion of me weighs to heavily on me and I can't force myself to lower that opinion by revealing my demons.

Near everything seems so peacefull here at my parents house. I've felt so light and airy this week that I don't want to go back to school and suberge myself in my daily life. So many things need to be accomplished when I go back...yet by going back I get to talk with christa, and I'm looking forward to what she has to say about her vacation, the people she has met, and the things she has learned about herself from this time away from school.

I'm reading _The Celestine Phrophecy_ right now. It's been recommended to me several times over the past several years...at the very least for a new view of the world, to agree with or not, simply a new perspective on the state of our species, on the impact my life might have on the world...I can quite clearly see and envision the aspecs of evolution/spritiuality discussed therein...but I find myself reluctant to accpet it and what it says as truth. I've always had trouble accepting anything as truth.