Radiohead 04.02.98 SF
06.28.98
10:15PM Every day has it's own merits. This thought came as I was whizzing south on Highway 4 today, en route to deliver someone's dinner. Every day there is somethign worth having lived for, a lesson in lilfe, a beautiful sight, a personal revelation, another step towards a goal...every day there is something to take joy or sorrow over, something *new* something to make that particular day different somehow then the rest...
22 years old, and nearing 23, I have some very fond memories of times past. I have met people I feel honored and privelaged to call friend, people I have learned many many life lessons from, some good, some bad...Angel Soto, April Brown, Gregory Gnauck, Amy Ryan-Lawlor, Sarah MacAdam, Christa Harrison, Barbara Hardaway, Seth Lawrence, Timothy Dulle, Chris Sneider, Mom, Dad, Justine, Katrina...to see life evolving in Katrina is a joyous occasion...to wonder how her later years will provide her and the world with joy and love and success...to think about how she will someday face obsticles I have faced, obsticles every person must face...there will be friends, and enemies, and school and ice cream and wind and rain and laughter...
Roy, my parents next-door neighbor/friend and I talked briefly this morning after I had finished some yardwork...he's the first person to give me a vote of confidence on my decision about the Army, the first person to think I've made a good choice and he wished me well and offered some advice...that affirmation felt good. Even though I've made my choice and I'm sticking with it, it's good to find another person nodding his approval.
Work was work. Nothing terribly exciting. I've become rather taken with a new arcade game "House of the Dead"...it's one of those 'pistol' games...some sort of 'agent' against a houe full of zombies...it's 3d imaging and I like it...i'm not such a great shot but I'm getting better at it...
So about 8 hours from now or so I should be deciding how to spend the next three years of my life. It should be interesting to see what options thye provide me with, what jobs give me the army college fund and satisfy my curiousity enough to warrant three years of my life.
I went for a run again today, for the first time in over a week...2.5 miles at an actual running pace, 8-9 miles an hour...a quarter mile walk, then another 2 miles at about 5/6 miles jogging...took just under an hour or so...I don't really know for sure as I didn't time it. Towards the end I found myself promising myself a beer if I made it to Sunflower, the street my parents house is on, before I started waking again...well I made it but never had that beer...mom and I finished off a bottle of chardonai with dinner instead ~3 glasses...
Talked with Ed this morning...we're meeting at about 2PM tuesday in front of the auditorium...then to spend the next five hours or so hanging out in the city...he's never really seen SF so I'm trying to think of where to go...pier 31 for lunch maybe, show him the Golden Gate Bridge, Park...maybe where the fillmore is, warfield is, slim's is...dunno what else--financial district...Polk Street heh heh...
Dad's installing Pergo flooring in the kitchen...laying it over the pre-existing linoleum...mom wanted new flooring so...I offereed to help but he said there really isn't anything I can do to help...I guess it's pretty much a one-man job...OK dad if you say so...i'll just go out for my run then thankyouverymuch...I noticed right off the bat how much easier it was to breathe this time out...and the near complete lack of snot as well...not that I didn't blow out one last(?) vestige of tar in the shower...
I was wondering yet again today about the online segment of this journal...how I really am a voyer in a way for having it there for the world...and how I enjoy that so...projecting my shy self in real life onto the internet where my shyness is non-existant...since the web is so much less constrained by perceptions and consequences than RL is...Christa said in passing that "i think about everything differently" and that struck a chord in me...I had to make her restate that to make sure I heard it right...I don't think so different than otehr people, do I? How can I? There isn't some great powerful special thing inside me that makes me different, so how is it far to say I see and analyze my world in a ratically different fashion than everyone else? I mean, I'd at least like to believe *some* things about me are unusual...my devotion to music isn't *that* common although perhaps I've been deluding myself to the smallness of the taper-geek set by surrounding myself with mostly others the same way...this journal marks me as only one of a thousand or so breed...still don't have accurate numbers on the number of journalists out there...not like I could really consider myself online right now...My dubious past deeds aren't *too* unusual--I don't see them as especially rare. Sucidal depression...shit, most everyone has been there...regarding that, I've come to the idea that perhaps I will never be truly free from such thoughts...such depression is a fact of life and hovering always just out of reach...my extra sensitive nature to small details seems to indicate that...the best times are when I find myself on the edge and as a result I will never feel truly safe and secure for very long I think...perhaps that would make for a boring life...one of many such rationals I've used in the past and will again in the future use to justify my life and my actions...new experiences over all else for life is but once seems to be my motto. I wonder every once and a while if that motto is just because I'm afraid of settling myself into something that will grwo to bore me in time, somethign that seems grand at the onset but quickly loses it lustre...maybe that's why I have had a hard time findin relationships with women, and just plain making friends...too afraid to beceom attached to somethign for the long term. In that vein I guess I'm just like every otehr man that has ever been...afraid of commitment. To make it worse I just don't know what I want...and my talk with Roy this morning let me know how obvious that fact has always been to other people...'the military is a great choice for those people who are unsure of where to go or what to do...it provides structure...' (paraphrasing) How many times have cried that I need someone to kick my ass back into line, to lay down the law, tell me what to do...well, the military is definitely the place for that!