Garbage 09.24.98 UC Davis, Freeborn Hall
09.29.98
9:54PM
Life is one long string of mistake after mistake...seriously, in the face of decision, of infinite choice, there must always be a course of action "better" than the one chosen. (NOT perfect, since perfection is unobtainable in all things...) Hence any choice could theoretically be labeled a mistake, and furthermore, why bother regretting one choice in the face of any other? Where life leads is always an adventure to be had, if one perceives it as such. Life is an expirement in free will. The decisions I make then I do not judge, I do not cast doubt on my past, it is concrete and unwavering. Quibbling over high school or college or childhood does little to create joy for the future. Inspection of the past, however, when done logically and unbiased, can create a window towards enlightenment, to perceive fatal patterns, to see cycles of abuse or problems with fear and coping.
Every day a decision can be made to flee or to stay. Every day I can get into my automobile and simply drive away. Every day I can slit my wrists, end everything I know, have known, will know...but you know what? I've found myself stricken dumbfounded by the action as of late...I really *want* to live, like I haven't for a long time...not even a death wish. In a way I've become at least a little afraid of death, now, when the end never held fear for me, my mortality frightens me. This realization of choice and life and freedom is part of it. Another part of it is this social nature I've rekindled. It is much easier to wish for the end alone.
For a few days I thought Beth was dogging me...wasn't returning my pages and I was having trouble gettin in contact with her...but last night apparently she did call, after I'd already gone to see Derek. It's good to know I didn't wig her out completely...I'd still love to know how her opinion of me might have changed though...
Smoked a lot with Derek yesterday. Had an awesome bowl of clam chowder at Humphry's resteraunt for lunch. Supremely sick of eating chinese food and have been avoiding it lately. Had a chicken salad sub for lunch sunday. Just finished off my last pack of cigarettes until at least the end of boot camp...lovely round of pall malls. Yeah, I'd been smoking again a bit since I "quit" last...shoot me k?
One of Derek's pals came over and we spent most of the night talking 'bout cars...mostly chevy chevelles / camaros. It was nice to have enough knowledge to actually understand shit...try running most of that talk by my three/four years ago...good luck mofo!
Got the _Single Video Theory_ vid PJ put out a while ago...good shit there, watched it last night after getting home.
And I really thought I was gonna have more worthwhile thigns to write abou tonight, but I guess not. I'm gonna go down to Applebees and have a couple drinks then turn in I guess...
Oh yeah, for the record, her eyes *are* blue, but not *just* blue...a ring of blue, then purple, then hazelnut...intoxicatingily beautifull
10:14PM