Pumpkins 06.30.98
10.06.98
12:04PM
"Duty is heavier than a mountain.
Death is lighter than a feather..." Robert Jordan speaking
as Lan al' Mandragon...
The folder I have the recent entries saved in is called the "Duty Folder", and sometimes that what this journal is, a duty...raising me from my bed, nigh on blissful slumber, to type these frantic ramblings of my neurotic world. I haven't been writing much of meaning these last couple of days, except for some drunken ramblings still not uploaded as an actual entry, despite it's deserved place online for some of it's drunken candid realizations...
So this is it for a long while I suppose, unless tommorrow evening there lies final quaking thoughts of departure worth noting down, which I don't really see over the horizon...and this entry too, shall prove meaningless fluff in the course of this life, in the ups, downs and runarounds...it's an easy life to live really. Breathe in, breathe out. It's taking meaning and usefullness from the surroundings that makes it hard for me. It's finding a place to fit in and be accepted by myself, as well as by others...easy to be accepted by others--just give people what they want, or find the people who want what you've established to give. Alter yourself or stay the same...friends will come and friends will go, I've learned quite painfully, but I remain the result of my deeds and thoughts and every day I've lived...not a single one of those days will be bereft me, recollected in memory or not...and this journal has always been a way of taking that snapshot, of drawing worth from each day noted down...but being at peace, accepting myself...never really done. Never known who I am or where I stand, not to mention where I'm going. Free will is a hard hard burden to bear in this age of choice...hardship has never truly ravaged my life...what trauma has clouded my thoughts or actions? What broken bone or dead friend or lost trust or failure when I was counted on? What truly has shaped me more than my own thoughts?
So, in a way, something to make me do something, a spark in the ass, a drill sergeant to yell and scream...it's something I need now, incapable of sustaining any pursuit long enough for it to take hold and consume me...distractions abound to lead my wandering mind.
I suppose in the face of such aimless wandering, I should take stock and have faith in those things I keep true to myself for...but it gets so damn hard sometimes, when nothing seems to be taking grip in my life. What had I accomplished in the way of furthering myself, of creating a life for myself, of making a citizen out of myself since high school, hell, since kindergarten? Nothing. The fact is rather black and white and frightening.
So many have asked why I am leaving this life for the military...there is yet another reason, but not the only reason...that is just one of the good reasons...
These last few days have been spent at bars, smoking out, saying goodbye, saying hello...Went back to Humphrey's yesterday for lunch. We sat this time and I paid, leaving a hefty tip for Derek's ex girlfriend that waited on us. She's the one I've said hello to. Nice woman and I can understand what drew Derek to her for over four years. They're still friends and having sex on occasion and I have nowhere to stick my foot but my mouth should I go with thoughts like, she's the kind of woman I want to meet...Derek and I had a few drinks at Applebee's today, then off to Aladino's so he could grab his paycheck, where it was another couple beers. I *wanted* to have two drinks and be done, but too much peer pressure coupled by the fact that drink will be non-existent for a while, caved me into a drunken warmth. I begged off a ride from Derek's ex to hook up with Elizabeth and a couple of her friends at the movies. She didn't seem too impressed with my buzz...although I was playing it mellow. She hardly said a word to me the whole time, and I guess in a way I couldn't really blame her but I wasn't so drunk to be ignored...better to leave me indifferent to her I must admit though... The movie sucked also, they insisted on _Urban Legend_...so I sobered up, got my ride home, then drove back and caught the movie I *wanted* to see, _What Dreams may Come_ (The ticket seller, "Weren't you just here?" "Yeah but I didn't like the movie...but it's ok cuz I didn't like the company much either") which was a *great* movie even though it got my teary eyed thinking of such powerful love...
Oh yeah, one last thing I guess I should interject...beth
never did find my journal...
Also for the record...it's a "Paire Fire" not "Dog"...
And so that'll be it for a while. Until the next time,
keep up a smiling face and don't let the sun drag you down...