Sixteen>>>Transformation
I lay in the hammock at home the next day with a book across my face. Reading seems to take too much energy, energy that I most certainly do not have right now. I hear footsteps coming and hear someone breathing next to me.
“What Avery?” I say, without opening my eyes. There’s something about living with someone for 13 years that makes their sounds recognizable.
“Seriously, I’ve told you before, I’ll tell you again. Quit sulking.”
“Quit trying to sound like Mom.”
“Quit telling me I’m trying to sound like Mom.”
“Quit-” I pause and ponder how old I am before continuing to talk. I open my eyes and squint at her over the rim of the book. “Where are my sunglasses?” I look down at the grass.
“Your head,” She says pragmatically and I pull them down over my eyes.
“You’d be sulking too,” I inform her.
“Why? What’s so terrible about your life Taylor?”
“Well for starters, my ex-girlfriend hates me.”
“Get over Estelle. Seriously, if someone is going to treat you the way Estelle treats you then you don’t need her. Like you said she’s your EX-girlfriend.”
True enough.
“Besides, you have a new girl in your life who I for one like much better so far. I never was crazy about Estelle anyway. You have a new job, you have money and barely have to do anything, you don’t have studying or anything to worry about, honestly, what are you sulking about?”
And this is a good question. What am I sulking about? Sure, Estelle is playing head games with me, but why do I care? I’m not in love with Estelle anymore. She intrigues me, yes. But in love with her? I could never be in love with someone who’s treated me the way she has. I’m tempted to tell Avery she’s right but she would enjoy that far too much.
“I suppose I can sort of see where you’re coming from,” is much safer.
She shrugs and sits on the end of the hammock. I move my legs for her and sigh dramatically.
“What’s going on in your life anyway?” I ask
“Oh you finally care huh?” Of all my siblings, Avery and I have always had the most problems. Zac and her are best friends, and she and Isaac can crack jokes with each other for hours, but Avery and I always seem to argue. We love each other, but as mom says, we love to argue even more.
“Sorry,” I say, not in the mood to bicker.
She examines the book I’m holding and flips through it a couple times. “You know Esther?” Esther is Avery’s best friend. They’ve been best friends for about five years now. “She’s moving to the Dallas area.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, and that’s like a six hour drive from here Taylor. So basically, I just lost my best friend.”
I feel bad for her. Lately, I’ve felt pretty friendless too. It sucks to be lonely.
“Dude, I’m sorry Ave,” I say, “That really sucks.”
“I know. Mom said she’d buy me a cell phone at least so we can talk more without Dad throwing a hissy fit, but it’s not the same.”
I nod empathetically.
“So there goes Esther. And then Zac is so fricking involved with his stupid school and his stupid girlfriend. He never comes home anymore. So there goes Zac.”
Tell me about it. Zac is very into being Zac, the college kid, right now.
“Ike is never around. The entire family is feeling the effect of Isaac never being here. We never see Arley anymore; Isaac isn’t even coming home for his birthday this year. He’s going on a trip with some buddies I guess.”
I turn myself around on the hammock so my head is close to Avery and sigh again, even more dramatically this time.
“You know, I think what is so hard for all of us, is we’re changing. We’re growing up,” I say, “And we all just want to cling to the past. We want to cling to the family BBQ’s we used to have at Uncle Chris’s and we want to cling to the dinners where Dad would sit there and glare at all of us, warning us that if we uttered one word with food in our mouths we’d be sent to our rooms.”
Avery laughs, “Tay, he still does that.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
She nods and sighs. “It’s hard growing up. It sounds so cliché, but it’s hard when everything is changing so much. Everything is so much more complicated. Everyone is so much more distant. I wish time could sit still.”
Mom appears on the back deck looking down at us and smiling. I know she’s thinking it’s nice to see us not fighting. She saunters over to us holding a cordless telephone.
“I hate to break up a moment like this,” She says, “But Avery, Esther is on the phone.”
Avery gets up quick, causing the hammock to rock, and takes the phone from Mom. Mom and I watch her go inside with it. I move a bit so Mom knows she can sit down with me, and she does.
“What’s on your mind kiddo?” She asks.
“I’m not exactly a kid anymore, Mom.” I say, “Which is sort of what Avery and I were talking about I guess.”
“You’re still my kid. What were you and Avery saying?” She runs her fingers through my hair.
“Just that, everyone is getting older so quickly. Everything is changing so much. Ike and Zac are never here and I feel like I’m just clinging to the past. You know it’s sort of like they’re willing to move on, but I don’t want to. So I’m still here. Except here now isn’t what here used to be. So being here isn’t actually any better.” I pause for a second to see if Mom thinks I’m completely crazy.
“Maybe it’s time that you…consider moving on yourself.” She says.
“What do you mean by that? I got a job. That’s kind of moving on you know?”
“I believe,” She says, “There are times in our lives when we need to make complete transformations. When I was 26, Taylor, and about to have Isaac I was very scared. I was trying to pursue dreams of teaching and singing in The Horizons. I wasn’t ready to be a mother even though Dad and I had been married for seven years. So I made a complete transformation. I didn’t just change a few tiny things in my life. I changed everything. We all need to become new people at certain points in our lives. I think Zac has done just that this year. Perhaps…it is time for you to do the same.”
I feel like I’ve been the same Taylor Hanson since March 14th, 1983. Sure, I’m more knowledgeable now. I’m probably a little bit funnier from years of smart ass responses to interviewers and a heck of a lot more conceited, but essentially, I’ve been the same person my entire life. Never once did I consider that maybe I needed to transform my life. Maybe recognizing that I needed to change my life drastically is the first step to my transformation.
And so my transformation began.