Three>>>Break Down
The radio is playing a song about love- how wonderful love is. A couple is walking into the dorms holding hands and laughing. I smell the air freshener Estelle bought me as a joke a couple weekends ago. I see the Starbucks coffee cup in my cup holder- the same place her and I went in between her classes a lot of days. The car in front of me is a Honda. Estelle drives a Honda. The bracelet on my wrist shifts as I drive. Estelle made it for me. I know I am about to break down. For the first time since the break up, I am about to break down. I start to panic as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. I pull into a random parking lot and park the car. Pulling my sunglasses on I get out quickly and walk into a random building.
I don’t know what to do with myself! I am breaking. I can feel myself breaking. I see a bathroom. I don’t know if it is men or women but I rush into it and slam the door, locking it. I sink onto the floor crying- letting myself cry. I let myself cry as loud as I want, kicking the floor a couple times and throwing my keys across the room. I don’t know how long I cry. But it feels good to cry. I haven’t cried yet since she broke it off. I tried so hard to keep together. I filled in all the cracks so I wouldn’t fall apart. But here I am. In the middle of a random bathroom sobbing like a pathetic moron.
I stand up and stare into the mirror, watching myself cry. I’m starting to enjoy it. It’s interesting to see myself cry. And it’s comforting- my own little pity party. Look how sad Taylor is. How could that cold bitch do this to him…poor Taylor. I need to throw myself a pity party right now. After a couple minutes I fall back onto the ground and start to think rationally.
Estelle is gone. Estelle is a bitch. Estelle doesn’t appreciate me for who I am. Estelle and I weren’t right for each other obviously. Fuck this! I love Estelle.
I finally ended up pulling myself out of the bathroom after a good 15 minute sob fest. I’m feeling fine now. In fact, I feel refreshed. As I walk up to Zac’s residence hall here at Oklahoma State University I notice a spring in my step. I feel almost relived. I don’t have to try and get her back anymore. I can’t try. It’s not possible. I can move on in my life. I walk in and make my way to the 4rth floor. I get out of the elevator and knock on his door.
“Hey dude. What’s up?”
I push by him and collapse on his bed. “Am I pathetic?”
“I don’t know. What did you do? Fuck Tay, did you go to that animal shelter again and…” He says, referring to the time I brought two little puppies home that my parents made me return.
“No!” How can he confuse the loss of a true love with my animal shelter compassion? “It has nothing to do with the abandon little puppies this time” But now that he mentions it, I start to feel that deep empathy for the conditions a shelter animal must endure.
He sits down at his computer and types something- probably talking to one of the fans he’s friends with. He’s only friends with them because they flatter him and enlarge his ego.
“Hello, I am going through a major trauma right now.”
“What, Estelle won’t take you back?”
“She wants NOTHING to do with me! I swear Zac! How can she love me for 7…almost 8 months and then one day just want nothing to do with me!”
He sighs and looks at me. “I don’t know Tay. Didn’t Lindsey do the same thing? And Nicole? Oh and how about-”
“You’re not helping.” What kind of support is this? He is supposed to be my brother. Help me through thick and thin. Pull me up when I’m down. You know. Not bring me through a painful trail of every previous relationship I’ve ever had.
“Well I don’t know man . Maybe you’re too…clingy after break ups. Maybe that’s why they suddenly decide they want nothing to do with you. I’m not a girl who’s dated you. In fact, I’m not a girl at all so…I don’t know what to tell you.”
I look at his ceiling and sigh. “I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. What do I have in my life Zac? Estelle was all I had to look forward to. And now she’s gone. I have nothing left. I’m empty.”
He looks at me, a sudden sense of compassion in his face. “You probably feel empty. But you just need…things to fill this gap Tay. Go to school, get a real job, join a club, go to church, play a sport, I don’t know. Fill this gap with yourself for once. Indulge in yourself”
“What do you mean?”
“Instead of finding another girl to take her place, take her place yourself. Focus on improving your life without pulling someone else into it right now.”
Maybe he has a point. When Lindsey left me, I quickly found Nicole. We hit it off for about 6 months. Until she decided I wasn’t right for her. Then I found Estelle. Maybe another woman is not what I need. Maybe my brother’s right.
“Zac?”
“Hm?”
“What do you think of pottery?”