1     The Kennedy Assassination
          First of all I believe that Kennedy didn't really die, he merely pretended to be dead. He is very good at that, because he managed to stay alive without even having any brains. A remarkable trick if ever there was one; thus proving that he is in fact the reincarnation of Houdinii and Paul Daniel's and a bunch of other 'not dead' magicians. Currently the Master Magician is living in Marrakesh under the pseudonym of Dave. As for the 'shooters', they were both hired guns straight from Stan's used Hired guns emporium.

2     The Roswell Incident
          The chances of anything coming from mars are a million to one they said. But they were wrong! Satellite images and other pictures have already come from mars, I've seen them. The thing that allegedly crashed here was obviously an alien spaceship sent here on a hunch that there is a million to one chance there are things living on Earth. But they crashed... typical of Sunday drivers.
Strange that they had the technology to come billions of light years only to crash into a thing that is so big that it shows up on a map of the world. Bloody ridiculous. Incidentally I believe. Not like that stupid Scully woman off of Sky T.V's much acclaimed show The X-files.

3     Area51
          Why don't they let people in here? there must be something hidden. I think that its a store of all the working supermarket trolleys in the world, that’s why you always get dodgy ones. This sinister plot is to keep us from them, why? Then it could be that they just pretend theres something in there, just so people think that there is, even though there isn't but they think that we think there is, so the mystery continues with us all left in the lurch.

4     UFO's
          Lights in the sky. We are being watched by aliens, what more could it be, other then trees light bulbs, hubcaps, post boxes aeroplanes helicopters, mirrors and so on. The most likely of these is the aliens are playing jokes on us. They have the technology to get here from miles away quite fast, remove memories implant new ones, why can't they make themselves invisible. here on earth that’s nearly been done, so every thing that we supposedly see is some aliens having a laugh at us when we frantically try to explain that we've seen a UFO.

6     Aliens
          Have you seen the Alien films??? I thing that they explain aliens quite well - nasty evil killers. But then of course there was ET the nice one. BOLLOCKS, it was just a crappy puppet thing, no alien would be that nice, most of them want to experiment on us or take over our bodies in some hideous way, with sharp things and other intimidating looking pointy bits. Oh hang on that’s just in T.V. Real aliens are... well who knows. Grey with big heads and large eyes and spindly bodies. well I haven’t actually seen one, so I don't really know what they look like but quite a few people (none that I know) have said they resemble the latter description. Who am I to disagree with them, for all I know they could all have been high when the 'saw' these aliens.

7     The Loch Ness Monster
          A huge fish like dinosaur living in a Scottish pond? How come no one has seen it, apart from those that have. Where does it go? What does it eat? the answer is simple - it goes into a large cave thing that goes out into the sea, where it eats loads of fish and seals and dolphins and people and anything else that takes its fancy. The reason it isn't seen very often is because its scared of air. Being a fishy type creature, it’s got gills and can breathe underwater. Although it does sometimes brave the scary air and get photographed (No it doesn't the most famous picture is a fake, so are most of the others)

8     The Pyramids
The pyramids are huge, huge stone things, how could the ancient Egyptians get the blocks up that high. there are a number of likely ways. They were all super strong. They were all telekinetic and moved the bricks with the power of their mind. It could have been a bunch of drunken Aliens. They had big whips really big  whips. And my own theory - They made the pyramid small, out of yellow lego bricks,  then they pointed their 'Make it Big and Stone' ray at the miniature model and lo and behold a pyramid ta-da. the same goes for the sphinx. only they had to spend a bit longer looking for the lego pieces, because they needed some of those corner pieces.

9     The Pyramids on Mars
          Either the drunk Aliens liked their handiwork in Egypt, and decided that they would do the same up on mars, or the ancient Egyptians thought that is would really funny to confuse people if the went and built more pyramids on mars .

10    The 'face' on Mars
          The face on Mars is said to look like the face of the sphinx. could there be a connection. Are they alien spacecraft? there were two built originally out of solid rock on mars. one of them was launched into space towards earth, whilst the other was kept for a bit longer. Unfortunately, as it was made of stone it was impossible to control, hence it crashed into the head of the 'giant dog/cat/lion' creature that those pesky ancient Egyptians had built using their 'Make it Big and Stone' ray. When the prototype space craft got lodged in the head of whatever the Sphinx was supposed to be, the Egyptians set about painting and carving bricks into it so it looked like they had done it themselves so they could take all the credit for it.

11    The first man on the moon
          Neil Armstrong wasn't actually the first man on the moon. Whoever built the structures (see below) there was obviously before him. How do we know that he ever went to the moon in the first place, It could have just been a big room made up to look like what we think the moon looks like, again they are screwing with our heads. The moon has a number of craters, which, are all named sea. what kind of idiot puts the word 'sea' in a crater name? there isn't even any water on the surface of the moon, and if there was, it would probably freeze or boil depending on there the moon was at the time. the whole sea/crater idea is preposterous.

12    The structures in in the moon
          The buildings on the moon are on the 'far side' so we can't see them coincidence? no, rubbish. that’s because the buildings on the moon are about as likely as there being life on it. As if anyone would build a house on the moon. They'd have to float around it all day in a spacesuit, and that would get irritating. Things would float off shelves at random times, it would be impossible to keep track of everything unless it was glued down. Which in the case of a fork, would make it difficult to eat politely. On the subjects of buildings, why are they still called Buildings even when they are built? shouldn't they be called Builts? wouldn't that be a better name for them.

13    Spontaneous combustion
           It’s called the Wick effect. Body fat leeches out of your body into your clothing, which then forms a candle like event, with the body fat acting as the wax. pretty disgusting isn't it. Bones only disintegrate at extreme temperatures for a prolonged period of time, which is what happens when you 'Spontaneously combust'

14     The Bermuda Triangle
           A big imaginary triangle, A pop group, A musical instrument? The Bermuda triangle is only one  of these things. It is a large imaginary triangle that things go missing in. I think the best place to look is behind your fridge, if you loose something, its almost always there. I strongly suggest that when you next go to your fridge you look behind it, you never know what you might find. Last time I looked I found a hairy piece of cheese, after I'd scraped the mould off it I put it back in the fridge. An interesting thing about refrigerators - how do you know if the light goes off when you close the door? who turns it on and off? two questions I have the answers for. To find out if the light is on or off after you close the door, simply drill a hole in it, then all you need to do is look through the hole. If you see darkness, the light is obviously off, if you see whats in there it is the opposite. As to how the light goes on and off, there is a small elf that comes out of a door in the back of your fridge and flips the switch. repeatedly opening and closing the door will annoy the elf, and if it's annoyed it goes around eating your food, but seeing as its only a little elf it doesn't really matter. but it would make it feel better if you got a bit cross and frustrated when you find tiny, barely noticeable teeth marks in your milk.

15     Crop Circles
           These are all part of the UFO phenomena again. Supposedly they are the imprints of UFO when they land. Why they choose to land in a field of corn is a mystery, what with their superior intellect, they should know better than to land in a field where they'll make an unusual pattern in the corn. I think that it's just the Aliens having a laugh again, at our expense. They must have a really weird sense of humour to find this sort of thing amusing. It really pisses the farmers off, imagine if you had a lovely field of wheat growing in nice neat rows, then some bloody great ship thing lands on it crushing many of the plants. It costs the farmer money, the  crops could have been sold in the market or whatever. If the Aliens keep this up they'll be putting the farmers out of business.

16     The Remote control mystery
           Such a mystery has plagued mankind since the advent of the remote control. You can be sitting there on your own watching T.V, put the remote on the arm of the chair, and the next time you reach for it, its gone. Other times, you get up to make yourself a cup of tea, when you come back its nowhere to be seen. You desperately search for it, but to no avail. You even look under the chairs and in the kitchen, You've even looked behind the fridge, but it still isn't there. Finally sitting down again, you have one last check down the side of the chair, which was also the first place you checked and its there, how does this happen? Fortunately I have an answer. The remote we all have come to cherish is a breed of creature that has the ability to turn itself totally invisible and ethereal. The only solutions are to glue it to a table or tie a helium balloon to it, so whenever you see the balloon, you know the remote is attached to it. But be careful, remote controls are sly and cunning. Have you noticed, that when the battery is dead, you refuse to accept it, thinking the harder you press the buttons and the closer to the set you are the more likely it is to work. Although this does work on some occasions it would be easier to just change the channel whilst you're standing there pushing the buttons for all your worth trying to squeeze the last bit of life out on the poor dead remote.

17    Ghosts
          BOO!

18    O.J.
            He did it, trust me on this one. Besides, how can a fruit drink kill someone? Let me tell you: he is a highly evolved carton of juice. How he came to develop arms and hands is the main mystery here. One of the more likely theories it that its those damned pesky aliens again, just 'having a laugh', as they keep telling me. Or it could be those ancient Egyptians again. they get everywhere, like cockroaches. Have you noticed how difficult it is to kill a cockroach? they're like city pigeons. you see them arseing around in the middle of the road, so you drive straight for them hoping to teach it a lesson about how dangerous roads can be. Even when you get really close, they don't fly away, so you think you just ran the little git over, but no, as you glance through your mirrors to see you supposed road kill, its still there happily pecking about as if nothing had happened. Damn I hate it when that happens. Even with a shotgun you still can't hit the bloody things.

19    Stonehenge
          Simply put, a bunch of old men in dresses with beards thought that it would be hilarious if they invented a physical game, where they kick a spherical object between two markers and score a point. Putting this idea into motion, the old men in dresses with beards, constructed a round playing circle. The most readily available material they could lay their hands on was rock, everything was made of the stuff. Of course being old men in dresses with beards, they weren't very strong. So they got on the phone to the ancient Egyptians, and they came with their 'Make it big and stone' ray and made the small scale lego models into the full scale structures we can still see today. Anyway, they set up the seven or so 'goals' around the edge of the circle, and got the 7 of so teams ready, and proceeded to kick a stone ball around the circle. After this most of them couldn't walk because of various broken feet, hands and some fractured skulls. Deciding that the whole Idea was basically a big steaming pile of cow dung, they forgot about it and went for a pint down the local.

20    The Marie Celeste
          One fine sunny (possibly) day, a load of sightseers came across this boat floating around in the sea, boarding the boat (see I'm using those complicated nautical terms) they started to explore. A young girl by the name of Goldie came across a room with dinner ready, so she sat down and ate all of it. she then decided to sit in a chair, which she broke with her big fat ass. feeling quite knackered now, she went to bed, where she dozed off into a deep sleep until.....the Three bears came, home. Daddy bear shouted Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English man. Goldie, who spontaneously changed her name to Jack and gender to male. He grabbed the magic goose that laid golden eggs and legged it out of the place, down the beanstalk and into a shed where he grabbed a big axe and proceeded to chop down the beanstalk. The giant bear, plummeted from the heavens and died on impact. Changing name and gender to Red, she skipped through the forest to her grandma’s place, where unbeknownst to her, a wolf was hiding. When she got there, the wolf pounced on her, but luckily, her Fairy godmother laid it out with her baseball bat. Red, changed her name, (by deed pole this time) to Cindy and her fairy-godmother who hadn’t changed cast a spell on her so she was
really pretty. She went to a big party up at the palace, where she fell for this rich guy, called Prince (who also liked to change his name). He sang songs like 'party like its 1999' and some others. They lived happily ever after. until one day they discovered a wardrobe, going through it, they discovered themselves in a magical world where there was a really big Tiger called Aslan.

21    Leprechauns
          If you ever see a short guy dressed in green, with ginger (usually) hair, and a beard, shoot him. or twat him one with a stick. If you manage to get hold of the little fella, he HAS to grant you some wishes, but be careful, remember what happened in that film the Wishmaster..... The ultimate with is obvious. I wish you were a nice genie who didn't want to kill people and do all that other nasty stuff, I want you to be more like Robin Williams in Disney’s much acclaimed film - Aladdin. Simple why didn't the girl wish that? Are all these people stupid?

22    The raining fish/frogs/men phenomena
          Well, have you ever seen anything other then rain of snow, or other water/ice related stuff fall from clouds? The Snow/Rain mixing elves and goblins would have a thing or two about what falls from clouds. When there is an over flow of fish or frogs, the snow/rain mixing elves, throw them out, of the window, into what they thought was the spare fish and frogs bin. But since it got stolen, none of the snow/rain mixing elves and goblins has noticed, so they still chuck them out. unfortunately, they tend to fall all over the world causing total confusion wherever the freak showers occur. Someone should really tell the snow/rain mixing elves and goblins about the problem, but no one knows their telephone number, and they can't pick up radio signals on the clouds. Who would steal a spare frog and fish bin anyway? it must be some real loony.

23    The Titanic
          Contrary to popular belief, the titanic was actually a magic boat. Like an amoeba, it entirely duplicated itself and its passengers, after it sunk. The duplicate ship, complete with Spratface himself, floated to Marrakesh, magically assisted by the master magician J.F.K or Dave as he likes to be called now.

24    Alien abductions
          People who say they have been abducted are obviously a result of the Aliens practical joking again. Such comic geniuses. Imagine, the hilarity of taking someone up onto their, super-duper- invisible-non-crashing-space-going-vessel and poking them with all those pointy things and doing all that weird X-flies/Fire in the Sky sort of stuff, then watching from there high powered potato telescopes and giggling as the poor sap tries to explain that he/she had been abducted. As if anyone in there right mind would believe them.

25   The toast Cat conundrum
          The theory behind this lies within the facts that buttered toast, will always land butter side down, and a cat will always land in its feet. I propose to staple, tie, glue, tape or nail (whichever is most suitable and preferred by, the cat in question, whom I will ask to get permission of) a piece of buttered toast to its back, then I am going to push the cat off a table and observe the results. I expect the Cat and toast to hove 1 inch above the ground turning continuously, forever more. This unique property of cant and buttered toast, will allow me to create an anti gravity machine, which I shall sell to someone for a great price and become exceedingly rich. But we all know that that wouldn't happen, I have dropped toast and it has landed on the dry side, this may be because I don't put butter or margarine on my toast. I have also pushed a cat off a wall and it hasn't landed on its feet, more its arse. So this theory is not as likely as it may seem at first.