Scene Three


The Knopf living room late Friday afternoon three
weeks later.  At rise, the stage is empty. We hear a
rap at the door.  
NADINE’S VOICE
                                        (from the kitchen)
I’ll be right there! (A few more raps at the door as NADINE enters, wiping her hands on her apron, and shuffling toward the front door.) Won’t you come in? (CHUCK HATFIELD and HAM HUDSON enter. HAM is a huge hunk of a boy with a cherubic face which is invariably referred to as "gorgeous" in the Girl’s Locker Room. HE is presently on the verge of tears. CHUCK is smaller, slighter and hardly cherubic---unless you find angels with egregious cases of acne.)
NADINE
Now you boys stay right there and I’ll get the money.

CHUCK

What money?

NADINE

For the Mineola Daily News.

CHUCK

We’re not paper boys, ma’am. We’ve come to see Rosalie.

NADINE

Oh, I’m awfully sorry. Rosalie hasn’t gotten home yet. I’m her mother. Won’t you sit down?

CHUCK

Thank you, ma’am.
                                            (under his breath, to Ham)

Sit down.

NADINE

I can’t understand what’s keeping her. Please make yourselves at home. I’m just finishing some cupcakes in the kitchen. They’re called "cupcakes incognito". Have you ever heard of "cupcakes incognito"?

CHUCK

Ham, the nice lady’s asking you a question. Have you ever heard of cupcakes incognito?

HAM

No.

CHUCK

That’s all right, ma’am. I’ve heard of them.

NADINE

Oh, I’m so glad. I thought I’d made it up. These particular ones are individual movie stars.
                                  (CHUCK turns so that she cannot see his grimace of madness.)
If you can stay for an hour or so, you can have a Rita Hayworth or a Charles Boyer and some milk. Now you must excuse me. I’m sure Rosalie will be home any minute.
                                 (SHE dashes back into the kitchen.)

HAM

I’m not going through with it!

CHUCK

Keep your voice down.

HAM

I’m not going through with it.

CHUCK

Keep your voice down I said, and don’t start crying.

HAM

I’m not crying! I never cry! When did you ever see me cry?

CHUCK

                                   (counting on his fingers)
Two Fridays ago when you fumbled in the Dania game, last semester when Mr. Bronson caught you looking off Shirley Sue Phillpot’s paper, two years ago when…

HAM

I’m not going through with it.
                                   (CHUCK sighs with disgust, crosses his arms and begins surveying the room.)
Hey, Chuck…

CHUCK

I know. You’re not going through with it.

HAM

Are you sure her brother’s Art Knopf?

CHUCK

I’ve told you sixty-nine times. I’m sure her brother’s Art Knopf.

HAM

Tell me again.

CHUCK

I was going to my locker in home room class. Rosalie dropped some of her books and out fell a picture of a guy in a football uniform. I picked it up, and I said, "My gosh…that’s Art Knopf." And she said, "Yes." I sneaked a peek at the writing on it…"to my little sister, Rosalie, my favorite girl in the world"…then I gave it back, and she said, "Thank you."

HAM

Well, how do you know Art Knopf wrote it? Maybe she wrote it herself.

CHUCK

I told you. Words were misspelled.

HAM

Anyone can misspell "favorite."

CHUCK

Yes, anyone could misspell "favorite," but who besides Art Knopf could misspell "sister"?

HAM

But why do I have to take her to the Christmas Dance?

CHUCK

You don’t have to do anything.

HAM

So what am I doing here?

CHUCK

You’re using your brain…that’s what. For once is your life, you’re using your brain.

HAM

I am not. It’s your idea.

CHUCK

And it’s a damned good idea.

HAM

Why? I wanted to ask Betty Claire to the Christmas Dance.

CHUCK

Betty Claire. There are thirty Betty Claires is the Junior Class. There’s only one Rosalie Knopf.

HAM

So how come you asked Betty Claire?

CHUCK

Ham, look. You want to be one of the top football players in the country, don’t you? Art Knopf is the best quarterback Oklahoma ever had, isn’t he?

HAM

Yeah.

CHUCK

Oklahoma has the best team in the country, doesn’t it?

HAM

Yeah.

CHUCK

You want to go there when you graduate, don’t you?

HAM

Yeah.

CHUCK

Art Knopf’s a freshman now. When you’re a freshman, what will Art Knopf be?

HAM

                                 (after a moment’s deliberation)
A Junior.

CHUCK

By that time Art Knopf will be the most famous player in the whole country. You’ll just be a little freshman. Do you know what it’s like to arrive at a school not knowing anybody, particularly when you’re as shy as you are?

HAM

I am.

CHUCK

But knowing Art Knopf you’ll be in from the minute you step off the plane. And with him behind you, you’re a sure bet to make the first-string team in your freshman year.

HAM

Aw, I’d make it without him.

CHUCK

Don’t be too sure of that. You’re good, boy, but you’ve got a long way to go. Remember the Dania game. You gotta plan for the future. It’s the same way in anything. How dya think Rockefeller got to the top…or any of them? How dya think your father made all of his money?

HAM

He just started by walking along the beach picking up seashells.

CHUCK

And now he’s known throughout the state as J. L. Hudson, the Seashell King. Ya see? Investments.

HAM

But what good’ll it do to take her to one dance?

CHUCK

Oh, there’ll be others.

HAM

The heck there will!

CHUCK

Investments. Remember your father, Hammy boy..

HAM

But he did it with seashells, not with Rosalie Knopf.

CHUCK

It’s all according to what you want out of life. If you want to be a football star, you do it with Rosalie Knopf.

HAM

                             (slugging the arm rest of the chair)
Oh, buckwheat cakes! Why can’t I go with Betty Claire and say just talk to Rosalie every once in a while? Gee whiz…Betty Claire’s the best lay in the school. (We hear the back door slam.)
CHUCK
Sssh.

NADINE’S VOICE

Rosalie...your knee! It’s bleeding.

ROSALIE’S VOICE

She finally got me.

NADINE’S VOICE

Who?

ROSALIE’S VOICE

Sharlene Harkness. She finally ran me off the road with her horn. She was too quick for me.

                               (ROSALIE appears in the kitchen doorway followed by NADINE.)

NADINE

Let me get some bandages. (NADINE rushes into the bedroom. ROSALIE suddenly sees her surprise guests. HAM tries to bolt, but CHUCK stops him.)
ROSALIE
Oh.

CHUCK

Hi, Rosalie. Say "hi," Ham.

HAM

Hi.

CHUCK

We just dropped by. Ham has something to ask you.
   (NADINE appears with a bandage and begins to wrap it around Rosalie’s knee. CHUCK
                              pushes HAM toward her.)

HAM

                              (whispering)
I can’t while she’s being bandaged.

CHUCK

                             (under his breath)
Ya want her to write to her brother and tell him to have nothing to do with you?

HAM

Would you like to go to the Christmas Dance?

ROSALIE

Why, Ham…

HAM

Okay, I’ll pick you up at eight-ten that night. G’bye.

                             (HE scrambles to the front door end gallops out.)

CHUCK

You gotta excuse him. He’s shy. Sorry I can’t have a Rita Hayworth, Mrs. Knopf, but my mother’s got a couple o’ Gina Lollobrigidas at home. (As he turns, HE grimaces, walks toward the front door and exits. ROSALIE scampers to the phone as NADINE trails after her trying to bandage her knee. ROSALIE checks a number in the directory.)
NADINE
Rosalie…

ROSALIE

                               (dialing and speaking into the mouthpiece)
Hello, Mrs. Fell…This is Rosalie Knopf. I hope I didn’t disturb you, but can I see you tonight sometime?…May I see you tonight sometime…Well, I wanted some advice…Ham Hudson just asked me to the Christmas Dance, and you’re the only teacher in school who can advise me about what to wear and how to act. You see, It’s the first date I’ve ever had…Yes, at nine o’ clock sharp…Thank you so much, Mrs. Fell. (SHE hangs up with an expression of victory.)
NADINE
Rosalie, what it this all about?

ROSALIE

I don’t know exactly, Mama, but I think I’m going to be wooed.
 
 


LIGHTS DIM