Has anyone else felt the self-destructive fury, the combined arms of jealousy and love and fear which, when striking jointly, can destroy anyone from the inside out, starting with their spirit, then devouring the heart in its black insatiable fire, and eventually metastasizing tongues of fire through the mind to madden and twist? I've felt it before, and I have known it; it almost destroyed me completely. Because of it, I tried to destroy myself. It will never happen again, but nonetheless, I feel the soft lure that starts so imperceptibly. This time, however, I know. I haven't been able to eliminate the feelings entirely, but knowledge is power, and I know my course, refusing to allow the seduction of my heart by the force of pride and dark chaos.
Yeah, I know the tone of this entry is a little different than the previous one. Sorry! Ironically, I don't believe the majority of my friends see the war within me. Outwardly, I am bouyant and silly, and yes, often contemplative or a trifle down, but I know, and you know, what lies beneath. Do you need back story? [sigh] You must. Why does this sound like epistolary fiction? Down, pathos! BAD pathos! No biscuit. Or, well, whatever it is you give to your theatrical sense when it's been treating you well. Ok, I'll write the fairy tale some other time . . here's the same story, just further depersonalized in the forms of common yellow symbols.
Anyway, most of you know the story of the little boy happy face who wanted nothing more in the world than to find a little girl happy face. He dreamed of finding a little girl happy face, he prayed every night for a little girl happy face, and how he sought her. But for years, he could find no little girl happy face for him, no matter how much he prayed, or how much he cried. No one saw him that way, of course, because he wouldn't let on to anyone how deeply he felt. It wasn't proper for a little boy happy face, you see.
But then, one day, the little boy happy face realized who his little girl happy face was! He'd finally found her, and oh, she was more wonderful than he'd imagined! She was caring, and sweet, and intelligent, and creative, and musical, and playful, and loved God, and oh so cute, and her smile . . . ! There was only one problem, however, for there must always be a problem before the resolution. But what a problem it was! The little girl happy face was dating the little boy happy face's best friend, and the little boy happy face could never do anything to hurt either of them, especially not letting them know that he was falling in love with the little girl happy face.
So, he carefully hid his feelings, and played the perfect role of friend to both, for indeed he was a true friend. Neither of them could possibly suspect his true feelings for the wonderful, beautiful little girl happy face. One summer, however, and, yes, it's always summer, the best friend went away on a trip, and the little boy happy face and the little girl happy face happened to have been paired up as prayer partners that summer, and maintained regular phone contact, which altered the situation enough that while the little boy happy face never expressed his feelings to her, nor were they even discussed, the groundwork began to be laid. The little boy happy face enjoyed his time with the little girl happy face more than anything in the world, and it became common for them to spend seven or eight or even twelve hours a day with each other on the phone, talking of this and life and that and dreams. It was during this time that the little boy happy face fell truly, and deeply in love with the little girl happy face he'd always wanted, although he still didn't allow even himself to realize it.
As time passed, it became apparent that all was not well with the best friend and the little girl happy face . . . the best friend would call the little boy happy face and tell him about this *other* little girl flirty face he had met on his trip, and one day late in the summer, the best friend called the little boy happy face and said that he had just gotten off the phone with the little girl happy face, and he had broken up with her. The little girl happy face was crying and hurt, and the best friend was hoping the little boy happy face could talk to her and comfort her. Well, the little boy happy face did so immediately, and listened to what the little girl happy face had to say and cared for her.. His heart was breaking for her, but also, he was becoming disenchanted with the best friend, who had lied to the little girl happy face, saying he wasn't breaking up with her because of another girl. The little girl happy face overcame her hurt, and she and the little boy happy face spent the rest of the day talking.
And so things had changed between the little boy happy face and the little girl happy face . . . no longer did honor and true faith hold him back from caring for her, and he quickly discovered how he felt. When school started just a week or two later, he saw the little girl happy face again in person, and the two were instantly the closest of souls in the flesh as they had been on the phone. They were happy and sweet, and so full of pureness and joy in life that the two were like a radiant sunbeam captured in human form. It took very little time for the little boy happy face and the little girl happy face to realize they were in love. Never had the little boy happy face or the little girl happy face been so truly happy. School was not something to be dreaded or endured, but something wonderful and exciting, because there, every morning, the two came together, and parted only as the needs of classes separated them.
The two happy faces lived and grew in love, and every day was an amazing journey of otherworldly wonder and happiness, and the little boy happy face loved the little girl happy face with his whole heart and mind and strength.
But such happiness was not to last forever. The little boy happy face graduated from high school, and so too did the little girl happy face. And one summer, for it is always summer, the little girl happy face began to change. You see, the little girl happy face had not always been as she was. In fact, once she had been much different, in many ways, some good, some bad. Because of these differences, good and bad, she was treated cruelly in elementary school, by certain teachers and students alike. When the time came to change schools, and to come to the school where attended the little boy happy face, the little girl happy face resolved to change her ways, and become what she thought everyone would want. It might not have been what *everyone* wanted, but she was loved by teachers and had many friends, and . . most importantly to our story, had chosen to become precisely everything that the little boy happy face could ever wish for in a little girl happy face.
After graduating from high school, however, she got a job and made some new friends, friends who didn't like her current personality, and who had elements of those things she had left behind. They reminded her of how to lie, and deceive, and taught her to view others less as people, and more as objects to be used for her own amusement. They began to break down the nature of the little girl happy face she had made, that the little boy happy faced loved with all his being. Though he did not understand at first, he saw her changing, and slipping away into a stranger. He tried with all his strength to understand, to connect, to keep alive the most cherished part of his life. Eventually, though, the little boy happy face discovered what was happening, and saw that the little girl happy face was being unfaithful, something he could never have believed, had he not discovered the evidence himself, seeing the two of them together.
Never having known such fundamental betrayal before, in a way incomprehensible from his own heart, he was numbed, cold, a numbness which allowed him to smile and joke and behave in a manner perfectly amiable with the little girl happy face and the little boy demon face. The little boy happy face broke up with the little girl happy face, and because of her pleas, agreed to spend a week intirely apart, at the end of which the two would come back together and talk things out. During the week, the little boy broken heart who had been the little boy happy face knew what he must do, that attempting to continue the relationship with the little girl changeling face was wrong, and that he must let her go her own path until or if such a time as her path again rejoined his own. However, at the end of the week, when the little boy broken heart and the little girl changeling face met together, they had a beautiful day together, and when the time came to talk, she said she was truly sorry for what she had done, and that it had been a mistake, and not what she wanted, and crying, asked for forgiveness and for the relationship to continue. The little boy broken heart was never and is never a person to refuse someone who asks for forgiveness in sincerity, and the little girl changeling face, at the time, was being sincere, and he forgave her and accepted her back.
It did not work out.
The little boy broken heart, having tasted the fruit of betrayal and having his eyes opened to deception in what had once been hallowed ground, remained more objective in his observations of the little girl changeling face, and again saw that she was being untrue, and lying to her parents, to him, to others, and had become someone untrustworthy. It was very hard on the relationship, his mistrust and her deceit, and eventually there was a tremendous argument on the phone in which the little boy broken heart again broke up with the girl and hung up, having had as much as his heart could handle. He called her back immediately, but she had finally decided that it was best that they not be together. The little boy happy face cried for hours straight, in unexpressable torment over the loss of his most precious gift and joy. He still could not understand, the concepts of unfaithfulness and deceit being so foreign to him in a place where openness and honesty and trust must reign supreme.
The little girl changeling face remained uncertain of how she wanted to be with the little boy broken heart, wanting everything good from both the worlds she had chosen. She told the little boy broken heart that her feelings could change again, one day, and wanted to stay with him as friends. The little boy broken heart knew this was the wrong thing to do, but could not resist the pull of his heart toward the one he had made an ultimate and unbreakable commitment to. For him to leave her would have been the death of all he was. However, in knowing the little boy demon face, the little boy broken heart saw how the little boy demon face was in turn deceiving the little girl changeling face, as she had deceived him. She did not want to believe, and would not, despite the concrete evidence that the little boy broken heart gave to her. The hope she laid out for him of regaining the love once had warred mightily alongside and against the torture he felt at seeing how she had fallen and been blinded against the evil being done to her by the little boy demon face. The little boy demon face used and manipulated her, just as she was relearning to do against the little boy broken heart, and even the little boy demon face himself.
The little boy broken heart was helpless . . . nothing he could do or prove was good enough to shake the little girl changeling face's self-deception. He was trapped in a vice of his own convictions . . . you see, he had sworn to the little girl happy face that he would love her forever, unconditionally . .. not merely when it was easy, not only when it was convenient or purely amenable, not even only if she loved him . . . it was love sworn from the soul of souls. He had sworn to never leave her, never forsake her for another. His love for her was as much a part of his being as his veins or blood. What then was he to do? She did not love him, she did want him except for her own self-assurance. His love which could not be broken could neither be fulfilled, and had been severed not on his end, but hers, leaving him with an all-consuming emptiness.
Even had he the ability, he could not break his love for her, such was and is his unwavering commitment to his sacred oath. Nevertheless, his oath was being broken, not by himself, but by the little girl changeling face. So many things . . . the pain of betrayal, the futile quest to show her truth, the burning, burning emptiness inside him, the powerful, eternal love which could not be returned, and the forced breaking of his vow by the very one to whom he had pledged it. The pain was too much to bear, and the hate he held for himself as a violator, willing or not, of his precious vow to the little girl happy face, grew stronger every day he had to live with himself.
Death became a comforting thought. The possibility of release from this torment and increasing bitterness and hate, which was driving him literally mad, was like an oasis to a man dying in the desert. For in death lay two comforts . . . one, an end to the absolute misery, and two, fit punishment for one who could no longer keep a vow made before God to man. Not only did he not want to live, but did not deserve to live.
Ok, the story of why the little boy broken heart is still alive is for another time. But anyway, that brings us back to paragraph two. And so, it's not anywhere in the neighborhood of as bad as it was before. Probably not even in the same state. Maybe different coasts, even. Nonetheless, why does John Keats come to mind, you ask? [faux amazement] How'd you guess?? [peers at you suspiciously] *shrug* Anyway, yeah, La Belle Dame Sans Merci has been coming to mind of late. I'm going to be putting up an art gallery on the site soon, and John William Waterhouse's painting of La Belle Dame Sans Merci will be one of the first, if not the first. Is it even appropriate? Isn't it a little harsh to be thinking of someone in those terms? Well, there's debate as to whether even in the poem the woman intends for this fate to befall her suitors, and as for real life here . . . no, I very much doubt it's the case. Heck, I could still *be* a valid suitor in her eyes. I don't know. Every time in the past regarding her I've wondered if the "end is near," I've just told myself to let it go and see what happens, and things are all right . . . I really ought to save this discussion for the page with the painting, however. I'll let this be incentive to get more work in. =P