The friend is Sarah (A.E.M.C., and I swear that doesn't stand for African Episcopal Methodist Church--ok, Tangent Corner: I've noticed that a church's doctrinal soundness seems to decline geometrically proportionate to the number of factional modifiers applied to it. For example, "Grace Baptist Church" consists of the factional modifier "Baptist" and the distinctive doctrinal emphasis and further modifier "Grace." Grace Baptist Church is one of the soundest, if not THE soundest Church I have ever attended. However, take something like "Mt. Zion African Episcopal Methodist Church of Jebez." I can *guarantee* you the pastor's kids won't be able to explain their own salvation, much less have any comprehension of faith/works mechanics whatsover. Try it sometime. I actually talked to a 30-year-old woman who's the daughter of a pastor of a similar church in Washington, DC. with an attendance of over 1,500 any given Sunday. She thought she was going to heaven, but when asked, couldn't supply any reason why, and had no idea how to explain her salvation. That isn't merely sad, that's enfuriating. How can the daughter of someone who pastors a church with 1,500 people not even know for certain she's saved? Grace Baptist has a membership in the low two hundreds, and every one of them can take you through Scripture and explain the path to salvation, from why we even need it in the first place to how God will ultimately glorify us after death. And that's only the MOST FOUNDATIONAL PART of Christianity . . . and at least 1,500 human beings can attend church on a regular basis and still be destined for hell because their own pastor doesn't know, or worse, won't SHARE the essential knowledge for their salvation.), and a couple of you know her, and many more of you know OF her. Actually, even after that e-mail mentioned above, I sent her a song with a brief note attached, and she gave me back an e-mail that I haven't replied to. It's been several days. Why, you ask? I might get around to answering that.
In that first e-mail, she raised a possibility which struck a resonant chord in me . . . caught me a bit off guard, actually, but induced some serious thought. She mentioned a concern that in the midst of a good many wonderful things, life with me could also become, at some point "monotonous." My first thought was dismissal, but then a closely following thought was "well, maybe she has a point . . ." Maybe it could happen, I thought. Now, notice that I'm not raising any evidence in support of this option . . .there's a reason for that.
The thought was troubling . .after all, not many of us want to be thought of as taking life on cruise control, and a solid of portion of those would be miserable in such a life. However, the danger she hypothesized was troubling enough that I wanted to give it serious consideration, and part of that was to gather opinions from others, whom I could trust to give me an honest answer based on their understanding of me. (Friends who quibble to avoid offending you are NOT friends.) I asked another friend of mine, who knows me well, and she said that no, she couldn't see that possibility.
In talking, I realized that the reason Sarah's stated concern had seemed legitimate initially was not because it was based in truth, but because I am so personally loatheful of the possibility myself. My own aversion to the thought lent it weight. It was at that point, when I realized the basis of my sympathy with Sarah's consideration, that I gained control over it and could tackle it rationally. It also made me smile, for I realized, despite how intimately Sarah knows and understands me in many ways, there's so much ground left to cover, even in areas she thinks she understands. Now, there are a few things which draw Sarah to people . . . and to list a few; that they make her think, that they make her feel, that they present a mystery to be unravelled, that they have a strong system of belief --whatever it may be--, that they think analytically and not emotionally or blindly, that they love things and people she loves, that they challenge her by their very beliefs/ways of life, and of course there are a host of positive (and some negative) personality traits she's also drawn to.
When I smiled, I smiled because it amused me that what was now falling into place like a master of Tetris playing on level 10, was still outside her immediate realm of observation. And I smiled because even if SHE didn't see it at the moment, the fact that she still had so much to learn about me meant that there was a continuing pull for her to be interested in me, and could choose to use it or not as I decided. You see, she has a hierarchy of "pulls" to people, some of which are more immediate than others, and some which are prerequisite to others. Merely by being someone she doesn't yet know, you fascinate her. Once she begins to know you, however, you are satisfying her initial need to understand and discover, and unless she has found more of those "pulls," she'll log you and move on. I realize this is a somewhat cold blooded and analytical way to discuss someone, but I think somehow she'd be disappointed at anything less. She *already* knows my "hot blooded analysis." [grin wink wink]
So anyway, I was surprised and a bit pleased (in an awkward way) to discover that she doesn't know me as well as she could. But, back to the specifics of that. She had hit directly on one of my rather basic fears, and on something against which I am programmed at the core of my being to resist. In logically weighing the possibilities of my life or, specifically, my life with someone, becoming monotonous, I realized that it is a flat impossibility. To start with an external reason, A) I don't DATE people with whom life could become monotonous. In fact, that's when I execute an about face and move out smartly. (leftleftleftleftleftleft)
Really, who have I been seriously interested in who allows for the possibility of a "GoodmorningdearthanksforbreakfastseeyouwhenIgethomeHihoneyI'mbackdinnerwasgreatgoodnight" life? Linnie? You gotta be kidding! She's a Theater/English major who's the lead singer of a Christian band. And if you think MY dating situation is funny at times, well, she partly helped *design* it. So there. Jenni? Yeah, right. We'd be up to our ears in construction paper and elaborate Lego castles on any given evening, with either one of us randomly spinning off into various creative writing/teaching careers for the next 50 years. Rachel? Between bouts of strangling one another, we'd be waxing fantastical with independent and co-authored fiction till we died and the first words out of our mouths would be "Where's a computer?" Laura? We would have too much fun exploring and delighting in life in general, pursuing creative interests, and deepening our faith to ever sit still. Sarah? Where to start? A psychiatric nurse who can sing and play the piano as well as Tori or Sarah McLachlan and a black-belt in Tang Soo Do and who writes poetry and couldn't stop learning if you tied her down in a blank room because she'd spontaneously create an intellectual gravitic field which could draw obscure philosophy from continents away . . .
For external reason B) my life doesn't seem CAPABLE of going more than five consecutive days without applying some serious English. Heck, I couldn't have a stable life if I tried. Better just to understand that and ride the wave. For better or worse, life's in a constant state of flux.
And then for the internal reason, C) I just don't ALLOW my life to get in a rut. Complacency is antithetical to my being. What am I doing right now? HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm studying Goddess mythology through history, learning about Christian millenial hypotheses, investigating multiple dating possibilities, maintaining and expanding a web site, writing a novel and designing a text-based computer game, working, serving in the Army Reserves, putting together a men's group for church, taking jujitsu, attending two Bible studies, changing jobs, going through the usual wrestling with faith, playing the guitar, dealing with all the wonderful and fearful weirdness of life's romantic irony of the last seven years, trying to get through college, and aiming to be a psychologist and FBI agent. My life is likely to become monotonous WHEN?
LOL, the very idea, knowing me, is preposterous to the point of being actually hilarious and explains the wry grin on my face even now as I think of it. Now, the above paragraph skips most of what this next comment is referring to, but Eric has told me that he's never known anyone before whose life so much resembled a soap opera in a real and fascinating way. Brother, is that true! = ) I've skipped most of the dying and poisoning and sleeping around parts, but the complex threads and interwoven plot elements and romantic ironies and cosmologically holistic relationships are almost too good to have been invented. Those of you who have shared in it can attest to this! [grin]
So, anyway, at least Sarah made me take the time to reason all this out concretely, and has greatly helped to dispel any lingering concern over the possible "monotony" of life. What her suggestion ALSO does, however, is give me further insight into HER fears for herself, and possibly also into a bit of relationship rationalization. [chuckling] So, all in all, while I'd rather she have a more accurate picture of me than less . . . that's what time's for, and I'm sure we'll have a long, long time to figure out what makes the other tick. Love ya, Miss Sarah Anne. [sigh . . all the tickling . . .[impish grin])
Wow, I should go to bed, but you know what, I'm just plain not done here. So THERE, I say. Tomorrow's Jujitsu! (You know, today, but until I go to bed, it's still Sunday) Must be a good day. There wasn't Jujitsu like normal last week due to NMAA camp, which I didn't attend due to prohibitive costs. (Speaking of costs, I got my $300 dollar tax rebate from Uncle Sam today. Cheers to Republicans!) However, Jujitsu the week BEFORE was particularly cool. I got to participate in randori for the first time. (Randori, for the uninitiated, is sparring.) Heh, just to keep Sarah a running theme in this entry, she was absolutely correct to peg me for Jujitsu when I was talking to her about what art I'd be suited for. I did well in Judo way back when I was little, and I've always kicked some major butt when it comes to wrestling . . .in fact, it didn't take too long growing up before I didn't have anyone to wrestle with since my friends all learned it was pointless to go against me. A point of pride, but also disappointing after I didn't have anyone to fight with. Fairly recently, I took Karate at UMCP, and loved it. I have long limbs, and flexible legs, so I can account quite well for myself at range, but let's not talk about my skill with strikes at close range. [wink]
Karate at UM was for credit, and I got a 99 on my final test, which was a practical demonstration of skill. While I'd never profess to be actually "proficient" at karate (my blocking skill is another area we can touch later), I certainly have a proclivity, and thus when thinking about which art to take now, my thoughts turned first to Tang Soo Do, because of my respect for Sarah's art and what she had explained of it, but according to her (and this has also been verified by every other serious martial artist I've talked to), you just aren't going to find a decent school anywhere around here. So, after that, I considered Tae Kwon Do, owing to its reliance on ranged attacks and especially kicking, but the people I talked to all gave me unfortunate reports of TKD's martial effectiveness. However, when I asked Sarah about which art would suit me, she didn't hesitate, but immediately said "Jujitsu." I was surprised . . . while it's an art I've been taught to respect, I hadn't thought seriously about it since it's primarily a grappling art.
Nevertheless, and this is where I've been going with all that, she appears to have been dead on, at least as to an art which complements my natural abilities. While I have every intention of studying a ranged art at some point, probably Tang Soo Do if I can work it, I love Jujitsu, and seem to have a natural talent for it to boot. Looking back at how I've always done at grappling and "diversionary" fighting, I'm not suprised, but I AM suprised that Sarah would have pegged my strengths so accurately, considering the time she's known me and the small amount of "sparring" we've actually done. She can explain eventually.
So, that brings us back to sparring, and specifically, the randori of two weeks ago at Jujitsu. I sparred four people . . . one of whom was my friend Evan (who introduced me to the school), a purple belt who could really stand to be a brown, and will be shortly. Evan knows a good many martial arts, and Jujitsu is merely the latest one he's working his way up through the ranks of, so he has an excellent foundation and is an innovative and challenging fighter. He did very well . . . playing the defensive initially, allowing me to try attacks to see what worked and what didn't, and to what degrees. In other words, it was a purely instructional match, at the end of which he chucked me fairly effortlessly to demonstrate he could. = )
As for the other three matches . . . I fought a green belt, a yellow belt, and a fellow white belt, in that order. The white was a female, and the other two were guys. I felt pretty bad fighting the green belt, because I tore the snot out of him. We went four sets, each of which concluded with me putting him down and wrapping him like a Christmas present. It was even worse against the yellow belt. After about the second or third time I'd nailed him with a particular grab and leg sweep, Sensei, who'd been watching my matches, looked at him and was like, "Hey, he keeps getting you with that o soto gari every time . . . you might want to think about what you have to change." So, the guy changed up a bit and I nailed him a different way. Sigh. Ironically, it was the female white belt who was the most challenging. She tried some things on me that actually almost worked, and certainly put up the best fight. The green and yellow belt were unimaginative with no killer instinct, but Christy . . . she actually cost me my balance once, and it was in the process of trying a move that might have worked with just a bit more determination. I was impressed. Girls who can fight are darn attractive. [wry smile]
Well, on that happy note, I'll sign off and maybe get some sleep. What a concept!