Well, last time I was writing, I said a lot of things I don't want to lose. Especially what I said about you, Linda. [hugs] It'll make it back in. Anyway, there's a good question as to why I don't tend to write about happy things. The answer is that there aren't any happy things strong enough right now to inspire me to write, as it takes a greater happiness to want to sit down and commit it to posterity than it does an unhappiness. Further, there are second-rate happinesses, three of them that I can think of . . .illusory happiness, fleeting happiness, and happiness that you can't distinguish from the first two. Illusory happiness is happiness based on a false reality. Now, I wouldn't say that fleeting happiness is without value . . . it should be enjoyed while it is there, but my version of fleeting happiness is the kind where you can't really carry it with you because of the way it ended. There are moments of fleeting happiness which are to be treasured always, but then, I see that as a permanent happiness. It takes a more permanent, more powerful happiness to get me to write. This is a bit convoluted, but is anyone following?
I can think of a very particular tempation to happiness that I haven't and rationally can't give in to, because by all appearances, it could well fit into my third category above. As in, I can't really be happy about it, because it could disappear at any moment, or turn out to be something I'm just wishing for and isn't even remotely real. So, anyway, I thought I would write about some of the permanent, real happinesses.
Start off easy. Jujitsu. It's a guaranteed "up" on Monday nights, and unless something terribly unforeseen happens, which I'm not anticipating (see, I'm not all cynicism and disillusionment), it will always be a happy memory. When I'm there, I'm not thinking about anything else . . . the rest of the world drops right away, leaving only the dojo. For all I know, the world might actually cease to exist as I forget to be aware of it. I noticed this first in karate at UMCP. A couple years ago, when I was struggling through the end of the story in the previous journal entry, karate was my one haven. For two hours, twice a week, my mind was cleared of the pain, of the hope, of the fear, of the stress, of all thought about what was going on outside. It was my beloved oasis. I hadn't thought of that specific aspect of it for a while, but it hit me just now as I realized the exact same thing exists for me again in jujitsu. It's not simply that things outside don't bother me . . . they don't exist.
God is my comfort, but jujitsu is my escape. I don't know what it is about martial arts . . . but I love it. Some people try to escape in, um, random escape, --alcohol. That's just expensive, screws your liver, ruins almost every other aspect of your life eventually, and makes you someone you aren't, or, rather, takes away your control and gives it to parts of you normally kept in check. It's an interesting phenomena, but not worth risking my reputation, body, and Christian witness over. I have inhibitions, and when I break them, I break them consciously and judiciously . . . but I have many inhibitions for a darn good reason. If I really drank, and spent time with people who did as well, would I still eventually be able to tell my future wife that I am hers, and hers alone? I can guarantee you the the answer would be "no." The desire for physical intimacy is too strong in me, and with the influence of alcohol and a willing partner, I'd have taken away my only chance to give myself wholly and utterly to my wife. It's not worth it to me, and I could never be unfaithful to my wife. No, I'm not married, but I certainly plan to be at some point, and if I have sex with anyone but her, I'm cheating on her in advance. I'd rather slit my throat now. Anyway, that's my little diatribe on alcohol and risking your inhibitions and a touch on the importance to me of marital fidelity. Besides, that's only one area--there are abusive and angry drunks, depressed drunks, obnoxious drunks, etc etc. The point is made.
. . .and the larger point was that there are many far less healthy escapes. I'm glad that I have this one. Books work for me, but only to a degree . . if it's bad enough, I can't even read. [a little ashamed] I encountered THAT little phenomenon at a pretty bad time, when I'd just started a new computer job and had all sorts of technical manuals to read, PLUS I was taking Anatomy/Physiology and a lot of other study-intensive courses. What happened to my grades that semester? [sigh] Computer games can work, because, like books, they provide a whole other world to place yourself into, but take less effort. Oh, and music works. Listening to music can, but even then, people often choose music that matches their mood--what can truly work is to play. With the exception of playing for my sister, and then kind of after I'd warmed up for Sarah, (although just about everything she heard, with the exception of figuring out Sarah McLachlan, was when I was still terribly nervous, and playing mainly to demonstrate that I was willing to do so in front of her) I don't play nearly as well in front of people as I do by myself, but that's changing. (and no--songs which are just chords don't count. I mean really playing) Then there's work, and exercise, and all sorts of other things people are able to use as escapes.
Thank you, Sarah . . . it might have taken me forever to find out that I already had a friend in a good martial arts school that I could go to if you hadn't nudged me and I hadn't asked Evan about it that evening. In a way, the happiness I derive from jujitsu comes from you. = ) [hugs] Evan, you are a valued friend . . . I regret that your new job limits the late-night social time otherwise enjoyed, but there's a lot of life ahead. Thanks for your openness and for welcoming me into part of your world.
Well, that was a lot out of one happy item. How about another . . . Linda. (My sister, for anyone who might not know.) Linda is increasingly a joy to be with, and I count myself as blessed to have her in my life. Neither of us are perfect, but she is growing steadily into a beautiful, wise, wonderful young lady of God. May you keep your path straight, and your eyes on the goal. She will one day make some young man more happy than he could ever imagine at this moment, and if she doesn't, it's undoubtedly his fault. Oh, and as for you lil' unworthies out there; I fully understand my role in this precious girl's life as High Protector and Enactor of Karmic Justice . . . and if you make her unhappy, *I* will make *you* unhappy. [beams]
There, that was more expeditious. Not that she's at all unworthy of more print. Another happy item is true friends. True friends are loyal and trustworthy, and honest, and sacrificing, will stand by and for you always, and are (pardon the redundancy) true in all the senses of the word. To those of you, I love you all. You are among the most treasured elements in my life. Now, I have valued, loved friends who are not, or may not be, "true" friends . . . chances are this is because of that third item of false happiness found so many paragraphs above. There is much to be said for security and worthiness of faith. But just to name a couple (and I really am just pulling a couple representatives out of a figurative hat); Laura . . . life has been, well, "interesting" to us, but having been there and here, you have proved yourself to be all that a friend and sister in Christ should be. Whatever trials may come, be they from without or between us, I know that nothing will change your loyalty and desire for me to be all that God can make me. Your faith and love for God sharpen my own.
Eric, we've journeyed together, and lived together, and ate together, and prayed together, and cut a swath of conquest through many an online territory together. We understand much about each other, and are cut from strikingly similar cloths. We, too, have been through trial together, and have passed stronger than before. When I think of faithful friends, I think of you.
Carol, you have listened, and cared, and taught, and loved, and reached out when it was not deserved. You are able to know me in ways that many cannot. You have a tremendous capacity for love and compassion, and demonstrate the spirit of Christ.
So, those are three people who fall solidly into the "true friend" category. I hope, and work, and pray to be worthy of friends such as these. I frequently fail, but ever try again. To all such friends . . . you are the voice and arms of God on earth.
Continuing with happy things, God is my unfailing Rock. Even the friends discussed above are imperfect, and we all are, until those who accept God's sacrifice of Jesus are made perfect by Him after death. God has shown Himself to be faithful in all His promises, and especially in that He has never abandoned me or failed me, and could not. I will never abandon Him. He gives me strength when I have none of my own, and His love sustains me when I feel no other. I have disappointments in my life, and hurt (as well as plenty of laughter and love and joy); but underneath and through it all, I have His unswerving faithfulness. I have the guidance of the Holy Spirit to show me the way and to help me understand the things of God. I have a desire to be like Christ which is most definitely NOT in accordance with my natural desires, and those who have known me for longer, before I truly gave my life to God, know what I was like, and how I would be if not for God's grace.
So, there are a number of the happy things in my life, constants, the joys I can rely on. There are many others, like my parents, food, writing, reading, learning, animals, nature, health, freedom . . . so many things. [smile] So now, I'm not even in the mood to write of unhappy things. I will go to bed as someone wished me to, as I always hope for her as well. I will sleep, perchance to dream, and wake tomorrow, having stepped one day further along the journey of life. I pray always for new strength, for love, for a character and heart after God's own.