As usual, I'm riding the whirlpools and eddies of life, either ones I've created or ones others near me created. One friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend of two years, and the fallout is fairly heavy in our circle. Of course, I have other circles entirely untouched by this . . . but it's pretty significant to some of us who've been watching them and praying for years.
Gosh, the situation. Well, it's a girl I was quite interested in at a critical juncture in my life, a couple years back. She's attractive, sweet, loving, has a strong nurturing instinct, intelligent (more on that later), creative, supportive, a dedicated, true Christian (if largely doctrinally untrained, but hey, she's a quick learner), and a few other things as well. Despite being powerfully attracted to her in some way, I never felt the magic "click" I've experienced with some others. Eric Phillips recently concluded (and I've felt this way for a long time, having had numerous discussions with Steph way back in the day on this) that attraction can be broken down into three categories; physical attraction, intellectual kinship, and thirdly that difficult to define sense of "rightness" and charm we call "magic."
However, I'd have to say that my attraction to this girl defies such categorization. She has the capacity to fulfill certain emotional needs (check the resume~ I gave for her in the previous paragraph--she scores rather high on supportive traits) and I think she's pretty, although I'd be hard pressed to explain in concrete terms my physical attraction to her. It's more ephemeral than with most. Laura, it's easy . . . she's trim and athletic; 5'4"; perfectly curvy in the right places and finely toned in the straightaways; has light, beautiful skin; soulful and expressive brown eyes; a quick; quirky smile; longish blond hair; a well-defined feminine jawline and an impish demeanor which turns serious when necessary. Except for a few moments of thought given to phraseology, that description pretty much simply sprang to mind. The same could be done with Sarah, or perhaps other girls I've been strongly attracted to, although there aren't too many of those. (I've known plenty of attractive girls, but girls with that special pull that connects with some deeper portion of my psycho/physiological makeup are far rarer.)
But as for the girl presently our topic of conversation--it's less concrete, and more like an energy field, or gravity. Very strange, in my experience. As for intellectual kinship with her . . . that's another weird one. Says me, a girl who actively and demonstrably uses a high level of intelligence is darn sexy. Well, she happens to be highly intelligent, and can express herself remarkably well on paper. Just a couple paragraphs up, I said she hasn't had much theological training . . . WELL, last week at Thursday night Bible study, we were going over different arguments for the existence of God, most of which I don't believe she had encountered before, and certainly not in such specific and complicated philosophical terminology. Darned if she didn't read straight through the arguments one by one, and ask insightful questions afterward. THAT was attractive. The girl has a wonderful mind. However, and here we get to the part where I explain my confusion over the intellectual kinship thing . . . she went to a high school which I would like to retroactively explode and pound into tiny fragments for the effect of socialization it had on her. They taught her that keenly displayed intellect was NOT a virtue, that proper social behavior consisted of the intellectual path of least resistance. I spent the evening with her and three other of her friends/acquaintances from this high school on Friday, and except for the times I was talking only to her, I felt like, well, like ME amongst half-trained valley girls, which is to say . . . hopelessly out of place and developing a possibly inappropriate yet subdued superiority complex. "yeah I did my nails blah blah can you *believe* he said this and this about her before *I* saw him with blah blah oh, I never liked her anyway, but that was only because yada yada she was pregnant and did you know . . ."
Let's do a test SAT question:
1) I am to the above situation as
a) U2 is to the Spice Girls
b) Armani is to a polyester leisure suit
c) The X-Files is to Friday the 13th: The Series
d) Robert Heinlein is to Danielle Steele
e) [brief scornful look, examines nails] It's so totally obviously all of the above, I can't believe you even *asked.*
Ok, so I'm a bit carried away and overly hostile. Hey, since it's my opinion, we can do this. If someone else would like to write an opposing set of opinions, Geocities is always happy to have another page on which to place negligibly relevant advertising. I suppose there may not be anything objectively *wrong* with that manner of interaction, but it's antithetical to the style of relating which I hold dear.
So, while I love her mind, she was trained to relate differently. Now, why does all this matter? Well, I've probably distracted you from the line which stated something to the effect of "she's single again." So that's one of the reasons I'm thinking all this through again, although I have to say that she's been on a consistently uphill climb, in character and in maturity both intellectual and emotional. So that leaves me nicely confuzzled inside like I was before, but this time I've been there so at least it's familiar and I have a better handle on the mechanics.
Actually, the reason she's single again is one of the primary factors inducing me to reconsider how I see her. She's been in a destructive relationship for a long time . . . it began as merely ill-advised and progressed to full-blown harmful with little buffer. I partly felt "well, if that's the sort of guy that she's attracted to, then hey, I don't need anybody to read the warning signs *for* me." I mean, the last thing you want is to go after a girl who picks manipulators, because it's generally not a one-time thing, it's a pattern, and this guy is probably what I would rate a mid-level manipulator by quality. There's something wrong with women in relationships with abusive men, although not criminally wrong as it is for the abusive partner, merely . . . diseased. This guy isn't physically abusive, but he's an emotional extorter. For years, he's treated her as if she were a possession, rather than a human mate. When he had a car and she didn't, it didn't matter to him whether she needed to go home to sleep for work . . . if he wanted to be out, he ignored her. There were numerous times at social events where she would ask him if he could take her home because it was late and he just wouldn't reply. Yes, he was that cold. However, when SHE had a car and HE didn't, he took advantage of her and used her like a chauffeur. Continuing on, I remember him leaving her house without saying goodbye and as he was walking off the porch onto the sidewalk she asked him for a hug and he just kept walking. She asked again, and he stopped and shrugged without turning around, and waited until she had run out to him and let her hug him. Also, He plays this game where he acts despondent until he gets sympathy, and then just soaks it up as long as he can. Another issue is spirituality . . . she is determinedly Christian, with a strong love for God. He finds Jesus whenever he's about to lose HER. Like the proverbial clockwork. Well, without unduly extending the litany of crimes, suffice to say he's bad news.
She, however, has been covering for him and finding one excuse after another for all this time. Typical abused mentality. It was just killing us to see it, but there's only so much you can do or say before your rationale and logic become loathsome to someone in such a position, as they fight to maintain their illusion. In fact, her relationship with one of her closest friends is damaged, hopefully not beyond repair to former standards, because her friend was so passionate about trying to open her eyes.
You can try to point things out, but after you've laid it out as clearly as you can, it's up to the victim to decide when to stop being victimized. Well, as of a week ago, she decided. As far as I can tell, precious little, if any, of the illusion remains. She's made a stand and is holding firm with clarity. Most of her friends, with one notable exception, are as relieved and happy for her as I am. It's hard to see someone you love so much being hurt by the one THEY love.
She's working at putting things right, and with God's grace, she will. I want so much to see her happy, and to see her loved and held as precious as she is, in the eyes of a Godly man who will respect and uplift her.
Sadly, he's going through the normal guy stupidity, which takes place after being broken up with and tells the guy that any kindness from or contact with her indicates that the relationship is on the verge of repair. It's a blindness/illusion of roughly the same strength as what's experienced by girls in poor relationships. This makes things worse on BOTH parties, since the girl is trying to get on with life and he keeps showing up for dinner uninvited . . . that kind of thing. As for him, it prevents him from letting go as he needs to and beginning the healing.
*sigh* I'm far too intimately acquainted with the mechanics of this. Girls: When you break up with a guy, sever contact and do NOT try to "be friends," at all costs. It will be far worse on everyone otherwise. Guys: If you've been broken up with, run like heck. If it's been a few days of negotiation and you're not back together, kick the tires and light the fires. If she's going to come around and accept you back, how about getting yourself straightened out FIRST and then, after you've gotten ahold of yourself, re-enter her sphere of influence and let her see what she's missing. Anything else is Bad News.
It became apparent about a month ago that if Sarah and I are at some point going to wind up together, it's not going to be terribly soon. As it generally does, this hit her slightly before it hit me. When I realized this, I backed off significantly, deliberately giving myself time to reduce emotional dependency on her. I got a grip, realigned myself, and now it's safe for closer contact again. I didn't step back because I didn't care about her . . . quite the contrary; but I knew what I needed to be able to maintain the strength of friendship we have. In this case, it meant letting go of someone I loved. As a result, she doesn't feel caged or pressured in the least, and I remain a safe harbor. To quote general wisdom, if you love someone, let them go, and if they love you, they'll come back . . unless of course, they're intercepted, but THAT'S close to home, and not my mistake. LOL, I'd never thought of that particular qualifier before. Yep, if it's a screwy pass, there's always the possibility of interception.
Well, on quite a different front, I'm registered for school. I'll be taking 15 credits, and have completed a solid base for my Criminal Justice minor, building on my foundation of last semester. This semester I have Criminal Law, Intro to Statistics, Medieval History, Intro to Creative Writing (please, you can do anything you want, but don't throw me in the writing patch!), and Criminology ( a sociology course.)
Better, four of the five are online, and I only have one class period twice a week which I need to physically attend. That'll be Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:30 AM to 10:45 AM. This will leave me free to work at least three days a week, and won't particularly stop me from working some afternoons on T/Th either. I'm thinking maybe working the lunch shift at Lone Star on T/Th. As for the MWF job, I'm exploring a few possibilities. One which looks hopeful is working at Chevy Chase as a teller. Jenni's worked for two years, both during school and over summers, as such, and her mom has been in the system for a long time. It also pays better than NIH, which is to date the highest paying job I've held. So, I shall see. Money is rather important, I'm afraid. I wish it weren't so, but alas, it is. Still, I'm not about to hurt myself over it, as long as I'm the only one who needs it and I'm not trying to support a family. Should that become a serious consideration, I am as always prepared to do whatever it takes to provide.
New topic, again, but I really have to go to bed, so this'll be briefer than I would otherwise make it. There are eight of us friends participating in a wargame campaign, using the Warhammer 40,000 AD system. Ahh, the strategy, the tactics, the intrigue, the little figures we meticulously paint! I'm rather proud of my little force. I've done some expanding and touching up, but my army remains primarily the way it was when I bought it a year or so ago from a friend who was getting a full-time job PLUS getting married, and would be quite out of the loop. Nonetheless, I'm repainting a number of the models, and re-outfitting some. 40K is primarily a game of tactical competition, fought on the company/squad level. I'm looking forward to getting our campaign started--there are eight of us in four teams, playing on a map with 86 territories to be captured and controlled. Battles between forces take place at those territories. When one team controls 50% of the territories, the campaign is ended. It's going to be messy, surprising, challenging, and tons of fun. Bring it on!
Ok, as generally concludes these entries, I need to hit the sack. Good night, and God bless you!