Paul once again refuses to play goalie this season. Why paul continues to deny his millions of fans the privilege of watching him get hit with little black objects is beyond me. Watching Paul without his pads is like watching Michael Jordan play baseball in the prime of his basketball career, watching The Rock make movies instead of wrestling, and watching Joe Riggi make an accurate pass. It just doesn't seem right. Will Paul ever play goalie again? I recently asked him and he quickly avoided the question with his usual sexual advances. If you look in Paul's closet you will see those pads hanging in dust, along with an Asian midget wearing diapers. Get used to seeing Paul play offense fans, and get used to every one of his team mates..hating him.

Now this is the real bio:

Paul Durning-Offense/Defense/Goalie
Assets- Has always been a key offensive player. Is a shoe in on the team for top 3 in goals every year and can play with any linemate. Has nice speed and draws many penalties.
Flaws- Lacks ideal size and gets pushed off the puck from time to time. Has a hard time creating his own offense. Could use some work on defense.


(Funny Bio Goes Here)

Now this is the real bio:

Ryan Crelin-Defense
Assets- Owns an impressive offensive package that includes some nifty stick handling and powerful shot that goes along great with his gritty game. Can be an effective player on both offense and defense.
Flaws- Can be a weakness on defense from trying to do too much offensively. Shot could be a much better weapon if it hit the net more consistently.


Mike will be making his Extremes debut this season and to everyone's surprise will be without, for the first time, his cinder block rolling appliances that he called skates. The new hi-low experience is sure to have Mike dipsy doodling all over the rink...most instances probably ending with a high speed splat into the boards. However, Mike's undying love for the game still remains the same....not quite as much as he loves calling 900 numbers and speaking to hermaphrodite midgets at all hours of the night...but his hearts in the right place. He likes to call himself something like "Bibby Fruity Most Impotent Player Tin Boy Oreo" or some crap like that. Mike has the offensive prowess of a fruit bat and the defensive skills of Barbie's best friend Skipper. With contributions like that its a good thing he can make us laugh.

Now this is the real bio:

Michael Riggi-Defense
Assets- Shows effective poise with the puck and displays great vision on the rink. Hardly ever caught out of position. Great offensive weapon down low with his size and hands, and effective defensmen as well.
Flaws- Has trouble keeping up with the quicker teams. Does not own a powerful shot and does wear down over the course of a game.


Something happened to Brian Costello last year that changed his life forever. It was during a game last season, Brian was skating doing whatever it is that he does and a teammate by the name of Ryan called Brian to the bench. Brian, not understanding why someone even had the audacity to speak his name out loud, skated to the bench and asked what's up. Ryan then, opened the door and skated onto the rink. Brian's jaw dropped as Ryan had taken his time on the rink. Since then Brian has been to therapy countless times and spends most of his days combing his hair and planning revenge. We'll get him Brian..we'll get him.

Now this is the real bio:

Brian Costello-Offense
Assets: Brian really broke out last season as an all around great hockey player. His offensive numbers dipped a little bit dropping to fourth best on the team but he developed a two way game. He is an extremely shifty player and his hard to contain in the offensive zone. Great skating ability with the best stick handling on the team. Has an explosive shot that he can unleash from anywhere on the rink.
Flaws: Even though he has greatly improved on back checking, it's always offense on the mind with Brian. Tends to take very long shifts and over works himself when the team is struggling. Slap shot is very wild.
Overall: Brian will be absent for the majority of the season. An appearance of 1-2 games might be possible, but the team will have to plan on him not being there and alter our strategy accordingly.


Dave has the most experience playing in the new Inline Roller Hockey league called the Extremes. He has a significant advantage over the rest of the team and will use his knowledge to show his team mates how to take wild slap shots and never pass back to Mike on the point. Not anyone could do these things, but dave has mastered them and does it often with ease. Dave committed treason when stating his negative opinion of the team name "High Rollers". For this act he will no longer be called Faz the Warrior, but Faz the Communist. Dave has also had problems with steroids in the past by injecting them into his sweat glands. The man sweats A LOT.

Now this is the real bio:

David Fazendiero-Offense
Assets- Is an extremely effective player along the boards. The teams top face off man and has a very heavy shot from the point. Great size and is an awesome shot blocker.
Flaws- Has not been able to put up great offensive numbers like in the past. Needs to find his scoring touch once again, or develop a more sound defensive game.


This season Jason will make a significant effort into regaining his spot as team leader. Last season with new team mates Jason was known as "Spanish". For the first time Jay wasn't seen as a ruthless competitor who would do anything to win, he was seen as an immigrant who happened to play hockey. Finding a get rich quick scheme along with his loyal side kick Dave, he yet again missed games last season. Jason of course came back to the team and dominated the games like no other illegal alien could. Jason will hopefully not find another way to get rich, although Willie Wonka and the chocolate factory is holding tryouts for an oompa loompa. Don't go Jay!

Now this is the real bio:

Jason Brito-Offense/Defense
Assets- The unquestioned vocal leader of the team. Is a ruthless competitor with a winning attitude. Can carry a team offensively or defensively. Is the complete hockey package with speed, passing, puck handling, grit, and fire power.
Flaws- Can take bad penalties from time to time. Sometimes tries to do too much on his own, and misses games every year.


Fil came to America with a dream. A dream for freedom, success, and the soccer. Because soccer is played by only 13 people in America, Fil had to settle for hockey. He has made the transition well, although a lot of the team believes Fil thinks he is still playing soccer. Fil has especially takin the skill of skating to an entirely new level. Mastering quick turns, skating backwards, stopping, and plenty of speed, Fil is thinking about starting an instructional video on how to skate. Ok I just made that up. Fil coming out with an intructional video on how to skate is like President Bush starting print on dictionaries.

Now this is the real bio:

Fil Oliveira-Offense
Assets- Has deceptive hands that can make room for himself on offense. Very creative and has an underrated shot. With the right linemate, can really rack up the points.
Flaws- Lacks the basic fundamentals which hurt his overall game, especially with positioning. Is a liability on defense and has trouble with faster opponents.


Brian "Ridge" Connor-Offense

(FUNNY BIO GOES HERE)

Now this is the real bio:

Assets- Displays a nice all around game, both on offense and defense. Has a productive offensive package equipped with stick handling, speed and a decent shot. Can match up well on the defensive side.
Flaws- Tends to drift offensively when playing defense and could use a more physical edge. Needs to stick with either offense or defense to truly develop his game.


Joe Pinto-Goalie

(FUNNY BIO GOES HERE)

Now this is the real bio:

Assets- Has a great frame which he uses effectively to cut off the angle and make key saves. Owns a tremendous blend of size and mobility and has a lightning quick glove hand.
Flaws-


Now, I am sure that by now you must have an idea as to who wrote these bios, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. It was none other than Michael "Bobby Friggin Most Improved Player Iron Man Orr" Riggi.

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