i'm just sitting here.... it's Friday afternoon. I should have been on the road by now. friday afternoon traffic in Chicago is pretty close to what i imagine Hell might be like. i have to pick Rich up at the cabin. Ha, if you can believe it..... he actually called me this time while he was on vacation! he never does that. a big part of me says that the only reason he called was because he wanted to make sure i was going to meet him... not that he wanted to say hi.... or that he was looking forward to being together this weekend - even though he DID say both of those things.

i had a great session with jonathon this morning. we talked about so much. about my anxiety and cutting myself - which, i haven't done at all since last Wednesday (2 wednesdays ago). i feel so much support from him. and, like Rich, i'm so apt to believe that he doesn't really care whether i get better or not.... it's just his job..... the whole - Don't believe you are likeable thing! Don't believe that ppl can care about you - one way or another. we talked a little more about my relationships in the past... about trusting ppl - especially men..... we got into some of my destructive relationships that i had in high school. anyway, it was a great session and i took a lot away from it! so.............

i'm listening to Sarah McLaughlin - Mirrorball. she's singing "don't know how to let you go". the song is called Do What You Have To Do. this song is sort of fitting today..... considering that i don't seem to want to get into a relationship and NEVER know how to end one once i'm in it and unhappy! Maybe i'll just end this entry with the lyrics to the song.............. have a great weekend everybody! and............ of course................

kisses for you.......... me

You Do What You Have To Do

what ravages of spirit conjured,
this temptuous rage,
created you a monster,
broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it.
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it,
you do what you have to do.....

and i have the sense to recognize
that i don't know how to let you go,
every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,
i'm ever swiftly moving,
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you,
i do what i have to do,
the yearning to be near you,
i do what i have to do

but i have the sense to recognize
that i don't know how to let you go,
i don't know how to let you go,
a glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow,
deep within i'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you,
i know i can't be with you,
i do what i have to do,
i know i can't be with you,
i do what i have to do

and i have the sense to recognize,
but i don't know how to let you go,
i don't know how to let you go,
i don't know how to let you go