Sunday, December 12, 1999

if i did it again,
would you promise not to leave?
would you promise to try to understand?
because i don't understand......

you say it hurts you,
don't you know how much it hurts me?
don't you know that i can't seem to stop?
because i can't......

When i was little, my sister, Kim, really disliked me. it went beyond simple sibling rivalry. she felt threatened by me..... i was the little sister, 6 years difference. but, i could do almost anything she could do and sometimes i did it even better. we didn't know that she was dyslexic. dyslexia wasn't well understood at the time...... who would have known? instead, she grew a deep jealousy for me, my talents and acted out on that jealousy in ways that i'm still dealing with 30 years later.

i've tried to let go of it all. i've forgiven her. i've felt guilt for being who i am. i've stood up for her and tried so hard for her......... in fact, we actually have a very civil relationship now - more than civil. my guess is that she'd rather just forget about all of it and move on........ be sisters! Forgive and Forget.

that's the funny thing though...... my head says forget... i forgave her long ago.... my heart and my soul..... they just can't untangle all of the misunderstandings that cropped up between us. i love my sister..... i always have. the love has changed from loving her because she was my sister... to loving her because she had problems.... to loving her out of guilt....... *shaking my head*

a therapist told me that at this point in life "it's" not about Kim anymore.... not about what she did. it's about me..... i can't go back and change the things she did to me..... i just need to untangle it all and let it go. letting it go might let the guilt that runs my life disappear.

i don't know....... i'll just keep going and learning more and more about myself..... see where that takes me.

kisses for everyone.......... me