i move around this monster carefully, not touching it despite the grip it has on me... it is a grip that i am unable to articulate...

trying to put words and pictures to names to things that i've never known as anything other than fear and destruction in my life....

i don't know who this is.
i don't know what this is.
but, it's killing me
or, perhaps it will beginto do so very soon.

moving around in this void... close to it but not as close as it is to me. i am floating but it is set - not moving in this place - a color of nothingness - black and white and tan and puke!

it doesn't care that i've shed tears.
it doesn't feel, it doesn't see
it simply possesses me.
i am immobile.

the picture i have of this monster is so childlike but, that's it's way... the simplicity of it is it's own complexity. it's deceiving and hateful and it needs very little to illustrate it's strength.

it needs nothing other than me to survive. if i die, it will die. but, dying is not an option. how do i kill it before it kills me? what does a person take into battle against something so strong?

it won't crumble - though it is a concrete block - it's made up of tangled dreams and nightmares, fears and experiences that are so wrapped around one another that they've created a knot that is impossible to undo.

what does a person take into battle with a monster like this?

jami