dececmber 24th, 1999

i'm sitting here in so much pain - or is it saddness. it's something that i don't understand - this much i know. i'm searching for a word to describe it.....

i look down at mimsie.... there on the floor in the sun..... 'you are so beautiful - so pure and innocent'. she plays with something next to her.... pawing at it... twisting and turning and curling around herself.... so fucking happy. she is so beautiful.

i don't have any children... i could have. it would be 3 this year.... but i chose not to put her/him through the hell that i've experienced.... nor the hell her/his father knows...... no, mimsie is the closest to a child for me. she is just 2 years old. i rescued her from a hellhole.... ha, one very similar to the hellishness that my child would have lived through had i made the descision to make her/him my own.

the pain i'm feeling today is a silent, gripping pain. perhaps it is merely a longing for something different. at this point, my friends, my family, my doctors... we are all longing for something to change. exhaustion has set in.... i wonder if frustration and anger will soon develop in those around me......

god came to me this past week. for several days i didn't know or didn't believe he was speaking to me because i didn't want to hear what he was saying. he was telling me to sit still in myself..... it is well in my soul, be patient.

i have been beating myself up all week for a decision that i made on monday. as i sit here, spelling out my pain to a world of people i do not know, i hear the words of that hymn. 'it is well.... with my soul'. i hear myself tell chris that this has always been my favorite hymn. i sit here now thinking about that decision monday.... i think about being there in his home.... listening to that hymn. i wouldn't have heard it anywhere else. nowhere around here - not in a setting that was so bright and sunny, so powerful... so incredibly beautiful.... i wouldn't have heard it in a place that could have made it stay with me like it has.