Wednesday, December 29, 1999

i don't know what's more frustrating sometimes. the fact that there are so
many people out there in the world and the computer can bring me close to
them and i can meet them..... that way i see that there is at least one
person in the world dealing with things like me and i shouldn't feel
alone..... or, then, i think about it some more..... and i feel soooooo utterly alone
because i want, want, want........

*shaking my head*

*****************************

that's an excerpt from an email i sent to a friend. we correspond alot during the day. i've really been graced with a lot of chattin' buddies! some have been really good for me..... some not so great. this particular email went to a "good" one. just as confused about things as i am.

i have my Wondertwin, Mike, in New Zealand. We are TOTALLY ONE with the whole depression universe thing! we finish eachother's thoughts. we sense when there is something odd going on for the other one! i'm serious! we are TWINS! the orginal Wondertwins and he has the power.................

recently, there's been this other "buddy" (for lack of a much better term). i'll just call him "Mr. Bunny" - he knows who he is *wink*

what follows below is something he sent me early this morning...... i know his pain! i can't wait for Mikey to see it! We are all so familiar with the roar...............

The Roar...

Out of control my head spins and weaves
Get a grip I roar as my world I want to leave.
My head is constantly swimming in thought
I push the thoughts back before coming distraught
So many thoughts flying here and there
What to do with them I send up a flare
telling myself to work a bit harder
Work hard enough and then still work harder
To get away from thoughts I cannot control
Thoughts of love and demise that leave a big hole
Lacking self-esteem or just a feeling of unsure
IT grabs and rips at my sole as if it were
a wet paper bag wanting to break
I yell out loud, and think of the lake
The soft sullen waves that so gently glide
across the surface and then they will slide
up through the sand and across the warm beach
and finally end just short of my feet
I look at the sky and see the sunset
Knowing today I should not have fret
Soon the sun will rise above the land
with shades of pink, purple, orange and ….
And the sunrise will promise to me once more
that another day is here and with it I roar
I roar to myself and roar to the sky
I roar to the sun that is now getting high
I roar to my soul and roar to my mind
Damn it to hell Today I'll survive.

all i know is that this Roar he talks about could be so many different things in my life........ lots of roaring going 'round!

thank you, my bunny-man for the poem! thank you for understanding. with friends like you and Mikey, i think i'll make it through the noise!

kisses for you, Mr. Bunny............ and aways for you........ jami