Mimsie is curled up in front of the radiator... I can't believe i'm actually here typing while the heat is running.... hmmm. Maybe i'm getting used to the cold! Yikes!

I'd like to say that not much has happened lately.... since i last updated but, i can't. Well, i could but i like to be open and honest about things here.... seriously what would the purpose be if i wasn't.

Mimsie just mumbled something to me about getting on with the entry.... the entry... um, yes......

Well, i cut myself Wednesday..... as in, hurt myself on purpose. (ok, there go a million of my readers) i don't know how to explain why i did it..... i've done it before.... i think the last time i did it was about a year ago. i don't particularly think highly of myself for having done it.... 7 cuts this time... on my left wristbone... no stitches but, i think they will probably scar......

*way to go, jami*

I have a few friends that i've been talking to on here since Day 1. i've mentioned them here and there.... i just had a convesation with one of them..... one of the few that is not from the Chicago area that I've managed to meet.... and, i was VERY happy to have met him. i think we closer.... something that i've noticed doesn't usually happen after meeting a "net friend" in person...... or maybe i've just been real unlucky - or something - but that's another entry... another time

Anyway.... John has managed to work his way into my "interior" - not an easy task from what people tell me. But he did - or has - or something like that. I really respect John... respect what he has to say about who i am.... who i've been.... what i'm trying to do in my life right now.... unfortunately, i haven't always been so great about showing him this respect.

i've lied to him on occasion - knowing he knew better (ok, just one time) and now, i've cut myself - knowing that he said he would stop talking to me if i ever did it again (a conversation we obviously had quite some time ago when i was stressing out about 'the big picture').

I didn't email him to tell him what i did... didn't icq him.... didn't call him.... i was afraid to talk to him! He found me, though. it's not hard to find me on here.... i pretty much keep ICQ on all the time. So.... he messaged me.....

"Amija, what's up?" he said.

I told him i was afraid to talk to him.... we went back and forth a bit and he finally figured it out....

*BIG SILENCE*

Very big, SCARY silence that lasted forever - i might add!

After trying to explain why i did it - even though he didn't care what the reason was and i don't know it myself..... and after several *silences* he decided that he was really disappointed in me..... gave me A LOT of things to think about.... and decided that he wouldn't stop talking to me. In fact, i got a *huggles* before he left for the day....... i am soooo grateful for his understanding... *and for the understanding i've gotten from my parents.... jonathon (my therapist)... my psychiatrist.... Rich*

The truth is...... i wish i understood myself..... I mean, i wish i understood MYSELF!

33 years old and i don't get it....

the big picture...

Jonathon told me that i need to stop focusing on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and just hop on it instead..... ride it out... enjoy the experience.... if you saw jonathon (how incredibly great looking he is) you'd think - wow, what a dorky thing for him to say... but, jonathon being dorky is very affective with me... *ie; he wouldn't have said it if he didn't really mean it*

I never 'got into' rainbows - i didn't have rainbow sheets growing up when it was a cool thing to have (at least it was cool in Bristol, Indiana which doesn't necessarily mean it was cool anywhere else - i realize that) A pot of gold, however, would be nice - i think i could definitely 'get into' that!

I have to say, though, that i wouldn't trade John's understanding of this situation... or my parents, or anyone else's for any amount of gold...

Hmmm... maybe i should hop on that rainbow! Just give it a try.....

Have a great weekend, everybody. Mimsie and I are off to the cabin......

kisses for you....... Amija