Sunday, 10:15am - the Cabin
Went into town this morning.... $1.85 - that's it... that's all i spent. Granted, I only bought a small bottle of half and half and a 2 liter bottle of diet 7up but, do you know how much that would have cost back in Chicago??? Dollars!! More than $1.85 that's for sure! God, I love this cabin!

Sunday, 12:00pm - the Cabin
I decided not to fight it any longer!
I finally broke down!
I'm watching the Green Bay/Bear football game!
I'm pulling for the (Chicago) Bears.... why not? It's raining out.... I don't have a computer with me here at the cabin...... these feelings i'm beginning to have.... surely I'm not anxious about this ballgame?

Sunday, 4:45pm - the Cabin
I came down here to relax... told jonathon that this place is my 'Wonderland'...... told him i can be ME here..... I've never experienced a bad moment here... I mean, it hasn't always been perfect but, it's always been memorable - in a positive way! Right now my head is so crazy-spinning that i want to scream but i can't. I'm shaking and my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest...... Now what? Now where do I go? It would seem that i just can't escape this.

They've been trying to tell me - i just don't want to listen to them.... "You need to let yourself feel all the feelings inside you, Jami!" I begin to wonder if I have a choice. I think my feelings are begging to get out... the rapes, the beatings.... the verbal molestations.... too much for my head to keep in place.... trying to spit it all out - whether I'm in Wonderland or not......

Sunday, 8:15pm - the Apartment
I made it home. I had originally planned to stay all week at the Cabin... drive into the City for my therapy and drive back down.... Why not - it's so peaceful... it's my 'Wonderland'. I experienced what I would definitely call an anxiety attack - possibly a panic attack while i was driving back here.... All that traffic, all that snow.... all these feelings wanting out...... Where is my Wonderland now?

Saturday, November 27th, Some time very late in the evening...

(I found this in my paper journal.... it's interesting that i wrote this actually 4 days before i decided to 'bleed')

I'd like to bleed - believe,
Understanding things hasn't been so easy.
Make the bad things go away - please....
Please, be my hero.

I know you can see them - the demons
when you look into my soul.
They won't let me look at you.
I won't let you look in.

I should say I'm afraid you'll take something away from me.
I should let you take your best shot.

It's not easy making contact - I know...
It's not easy surrendering to something i can't understand.
It's not easy understanding why it all means so much to me....
Why I have this hold on something i don't know how to handle.

You ask me to look at you - your eyes
I can hear him say the same thing.
He isn't standing here any longer...
What about you?

I should say I'm afraid you'll take something away from me.
I should let you take your best shot.

Fading in and out - breathing
Holding on to you
Trusting you when you say you'll try...
try to not let me slip through.

You'll help me back out - when i'm ready
That's what you say....
You tell me to look at you.
I ask myself to bleed.... believe..

I should say I'm afraid you'll take something away from me.
I should let you take your best shot.

kisses for you - regardless of your motive.......... jami