friday, febraury 16, 2007
broken and disrepaired

i'm really not sure what this is all about. this feeling... i remember feeling like this when i was a little kid. i have this memory of me being in my room in bed - i can tell you everything that was in that room. it was the "scary" room - oh hell, both bedrooms that i had growing up were scary rooms. anyway........ i can't remember if it was dark outside. i was laying in the middle of the queen size bed - i was swallowed up by all the covers. i was laying there so still.... i remember feeling like i was getting too close to something - something that i didn't want to get close to. for a second it felt like i was floating there in my room and there was other stuff in the room with me. it wasn't anything that i recognized, but i knew i wasn't alone. i know for a fact that i wasn't dreaming. i wasn't sleeping at all... and, if i was sleeping, i haven't been sleeping lately when i feel it.. and i'm still feeling like if i let myself get close i'll go away for good this time. so..... i stay away from the "feeling".

i think i have finally completely lost my mind. let me tell you.... it's not a good feeling. it's very creepy and extemely uncomfortable. i just don't know how to get it to go away.

i also don't know why it's surfacing now. i've felt it on and off since i was a little kid. it (the feeling) comes up and i'm like ........... no no no... go away go away. i can't go there. i'm afraid eventually i'm going to go there whether i want to or not. so......... why now? why not while i was in the hospital or when i was really really really sick?

i've talked to jonathan about it. And i've talked to katharine, our therapist (jeff and my). i told them both that i found some of my old journals last weekend and read through them. they both told me not to read them anymore. but what they don't understand is that i have been feeling this - long before last weekend. i guess maybe they think it won't help any if i read through them. i suppose i pay them to tell me right and wrong... i should listen to them.

i don't know what to think. i can't decide if it's a big deal - this feeling. it doesn't seem like it. but i've been feeling it more and more lately. and i just don't go there. i've developed ways to avoid it along the way. i guess i'll just have to keep avoiding it. i just sucks!

i don't have any clever way to end this entry. i could say i'll be back soon, but in all honesty, i haven't got a clue when i'll come back. so... i'm taking off. thanks for listening!