Friday, February 25, 2000
The Key
Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous When I think of yesterday....
-- Cranberries, Dying in the Sun
i remember the things........ i think remembering the things from yesterday is what keeps me going from one day to another. Mary, my house-manager, told me today that i'm lucky because i have the 'good' memories to look back on... to remember. she does have a point. until she made the statement i think i just sat in this pity of what used to be..... i had a teaching job, coached, i was a mother, a wife..... i could do it - why can't i now. that's where i've been stuck.
i started seeing this guy about a month ago. we corresponded via computer for 3-4 months previous to our meeting..... lately we've gotten fairly serious. suddenly i believe i can get better.... i will get better - at least that's the attitude i found myself with this afternoon. suddenly i was starting to stress out..... what if i'm not better. what if i can't stay better.... what if i lose my mind...... lalalala. the point is, i'm NOT better yet - at least, whatever progress i have made ISN'T because of this Mr. Wonderful. my progress is due to the work i've been putting into getting better. And, just because i have a 'reason' to want to get better doesn't mean i'm any better than i was a week ago. errrrrrrrrrr.... that doesn't make sense.
*hmmmmm* i guess i'm saying that my prospective may have changed since i started going out with him but, my illness hasn't been put IN CONTROL because i've started seeing him. i have to remember that i have worked hard to get to where i am today (not that i know where i am). it will continue to get better ONLY because i actively do something about it. NOT because of him - however supportive he has been - and he has been VERY VERY VERY supportive, thank you babe!
the need to look back on yesterday, positively, is the key! it's a key that Mary handed over to me this afternoon in therapy. i need to use it! it's scary...... working on this stuff all the time..... feeling like it is all i am. it's important, however, to remember who i really am! i AM a school teacher. i AM a coach. i AM a good person. i am NOT this illness................. i'm not sure that i want it to BE me.
kisses................ me