Tuesday, January 18, 2000
Gee....... i had a good weekend.........
I didn't want to go out Friday night. I'd been staying at "the house" for the week... didn't feel well and was recovering from a bad day at therapy. But, R. left me a message saying "don't wimp out on me tonight". Having 'wimped out' on her so many times in the past i was determined NOT to do it this time..... so, i went. I guess i just sucked it all up and headed out - didn't think that NOT going was an option.
ahh... clubbing, as R. calls it. I sorta feel like 33 is a bit old to be out dancing the night away but, when i got there i noticed i didn't look any older than anyone else in the place. Granted, i do look all of 21 (on a good day :o), i still feel old inside sometimes.
*what's the point*
Jonathon, my therapist, asked me to write about why i had a good time this weekend... what i did to make it happen and the feelings i had while i was having fun. When he gave me the 'assignment', i thought, NO PROBLEM! Now, as i try to describe or write or whatever i'm doing here, i don't seem to be getting anywhere.
*putting music on - Train*
hmmm. i'm supposed to write about Friday and Saturday - the whole weekend... which WAS very nice. I can't seem to get through Friday and i wasn't even out on the town that long. Let's see. We got dressed up - sharp! I had on black stretchy pants that i can't believe actually looked pretty great on me... and a little red number on top! I've always been told that i look good in red - they say it's a blonde thing. *shrug*
So..... we took off out of the 'house' about 10:00pm. Got to the club in time to miss the cover charge - Bonus! And.... basically, just danced our asses off until it was time to go home. We had to be home by 2:00am. We made it in the door just in time for no one to even really notice we'd been gone. But, we made it none-the-less!
Did dressing up help? Usually, for group, i put on a pair of jeans and a turtleneck and t-shirt... throw my hair up in a ponytail/bun sorta thing and a hat.
Ok, so, dressing up was probably a good thing for me.
GAH! i don't know. What was it? Just the fact that i DID go out and didn't stay in - didn't let R. down again for the hundredth time in about that many days......
*Sigh - I don't know*
And, FEELINGS while i was out having fun? Feelings? I can't seem to put my finger on much. I felt pretty good. I didn't feel crazy..... didn't feel like people were staring at me saying, "Hey, look at the depressed chick.". Does that mean i felt pretty secure in myself? Hey, Jonathon, where is that sheet of funny faces and feelings that you said you'd give me........
OK, if i look at the entire weekend at one time......... maybe i'll see things clearly then.... maybe then the 'feelings' and actions that caused my good time will just come charging out at me saying... HERE... this is it..... do this again! Be Happy More!
*thoughts, thoughts, thoughts*
Saturday D. came down from Michigan. I met him a few months ago via ICQ. Actually, i thought he was someone else - a lady i had met through work who lives in Texas. It took me a bit to realize that it wasn't her. Duh, i could have checked out the 'User Details' but i had just assumed it was her.
Anyway..... D. and i talk nearly every day - computer or phone. He decided to come for a visit on Saturday. Wow, what a great time...... what a great surprise.....
Ok, so i'm no closer to finding out what it is that I did that caused me to have such a great time.
Other than the fact that i was open to going out and being with people/a person - didn't isolate.
Gah, that's it - isn't it..... i didn't isolate. Look at how miserable isolating has made me in the past. Yikes!
I'm still not really in touch with the 'feelings' i was having.
*Part 2*
The reason jonathon had me do this little exercise in the first place is because i said to him that Sunday night i felt do down... it was scary. I'd had this great weekend but, the pain, lonliness, the monster, it was all still there - or, it had return Sunday night. Why?
Look at that.... the words pain, lonliness, and 'monster' came spewing out of my mouth with ease. Isn't that funny. The icky feelings I can name! I can recognize those..........
hmmmm... thanks for listening to my babble! Kisses for you............... me