Tuesday, January 25, 2000
SIX
six, i've counted.....
six new drugs since September 1st.....
six new drugs, and i'm not feeling better.........
serzone
paxil
ativan
klonopin
ritalin
and now lithium....... not to mention the couple of drugs they
gave me while i was IN the hospital. *shiver* i don't even care
to remember the names of those...... Just pray i never run into
them again!
i guess in the great scheme of things i shouldn't worry about how many different drugs i've taken.... only worry about which ones work. right now they're using paxil and ativan with the lithium..... or, i guess it's the other way around. lithium with the paxil and ativan i've been taking.
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this might be the last journal entry i write from my apartment..... Mimsie is sleeping quietly on the chair here with me..... i've got to get an appointment for her to get 'fixed' and shots.... poor little thing. she's going to be in a world of hurt and THEN she's going to suddenly be thrown in with 7 other cats......... a new house....... and NO ME! i'm sorry Mimsie - i love you more than you know! she's been my source of living and breathing lately..... ok, johnathan would tell me that i'm 'exaggerating'. i not. she's there with me when i go to bed and she's right there in the morning......... ahhh, but we all have our animals... our stories about how wonderful and human-like they are/were. i know i'm getting her back. it's just going to be really hard not having her there!
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i've been reading I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. it blows my mind that this is fiction. who ever it is that wrote (obviously just a name to me) had to have lived with or lived amongst someone who suffered from depression or mania or schizophrenia. She knows WAY to much about what it's like.... what it's like behind the doors of the "Institutions".... what it's like to live and breath sadness.... what it's like to not feel believed..... or to hate yourself so much that you think you are a poisnous snake ready to strike anyone passing by......
tonight, at McDonald's, while i was reading chapter 19, a lady sat down behind me...... i could hear her having a conversation - a pretty seious one..... when i stopped reading and listened a big closer (yes, i'm an eavesdropper from WAY back) i could tell that she wasn't speaking all English... in fact, i didn't recognize what she was speaking. it was a language i've heard around here..... and trust me, there are A lOT of different languages spoken around this neighborhood! gah.... it just made the book more real.
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kinda all over the place with thoughts tonight...... my friend, D, sent another of his 'writings'. i'm afraid to continue sharing his stuff with you because.... well...... you might just stop wanting to read MY STUFF! *frown* but, what he says is sooooo good. i hate to not share with my 'webbies' - that would be you guys! so.... i've decided to make a link to his stuff. if you want to read it it's here! it is definitely worth your time.
thanks, by the way, for taking the time to come back here and check up on me..... it's nice to know that..... well, it's just nice that you do that!
kisses for you............ me (and Mimsie)