Monday, January 3, 2000

"At the core, I don't write to entertain (though I'm glad it does for some of you), I write because it gives me back my perspective -- puts me in either an emotional place where I can purge or in an objective place so I can see the big picture." Elizabeth, Atropine, www.moderngypsy.com/entries/001.html

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"i write because it gives me back my perspective....."

in therapy today, Judith asked if i could relate to how difficult it is sometimes to just pick up the phone and dial...... or, had i found a way to do it finally? i sat there curled up in my chair.... people looking at me to answer.... rumor has it that i've been doing a lot better lately.... i hate rumors like that! i was running my right index finger over my scars.... (on my left wristbone). while they aren't as visible anymore they certainly are there by touch - a reminder..... of what, of fear..........

i looked at judith..... afraid, really, to answer her......

"i've made movement. Yes, about a centimeter of movement." i told her and the group.

she smiled SOOOO big and said, "i'm so glad to hear that you recognize that it's just a little step but an important little step!" i went on to explain that i'd found help in making these steps by doing something i call my "5 & 5". it involves writing my thought down somewhere....... somewhere that i can glance back when i need to gain some perspective on things......

jonathon asked me to set aside time every morning - same time - same place to say, out loud, 5 things i am grateful for........... so i started doing it. granted, i didn't get it everyday... sometimes i'd forget completely, sometimes i'd do it in the shower or on the way to therapy but...... i did what he asked.

then we had a group one day....... a "Self-Esteem" group that i fondly refer to as "Happy Hour". The CD (chemical dependency) therapists get kinda pissed that i call it that but...... really.... it is a happy hour... anyway..... i digress!

we got a worksheet that asked us to list 5 things we had accomplished in 1999, 5 things we hadn't accomplished and 5 reasons why we hadn't accomplished them........... then, at the very bottom of the page..... there was one question. it sat there alone but asked none-the-less........

What is one thing that you can accomplish today?

WOW!

More than any of those 5 accomplishments i'd listed above for 1999, this statement ..... or, answering this question...... made me realize something..... made a light turn on somewhere..... Wow!

without one little, tiny accomplishment...... anyone of those 5 Major 1999 acheivements would not have been possible....

i'd been laughing at myself because i thought i was pathetic for feeling good about taking a shower... or, about getting out of my apartment.... little shit that I take for granted..... but, suddenly, this little shit fell into place and i realized that i wouldn't have been able to keep a job as long as i had, i wouldn't have had my own apartment.... etc., unless i'd been able to do those little things.......

it occurred to me that night that i could probably find 5 little things i'd accomplished that day.... i could write them down...... and while i was at it.... i bet i could find 5 things i was grateful for that night too...... so i started to write...... since i write in my journal everynight i just started 5 & 5s everynight

let me just tell you the feeling - no, i can't. i can't explain it......... it was amazing.... suddenly, i don't have to make fun of myself for being sick anymore.......

sure, i still do now and then(probably more than i realize :o) And, it's really hard accepting Public Aid, Food Stamps, Disability..... stuff like that. But, i certainly appreciate myself.... or, i appreciate my ability to respond to life...... and that's a feeling of accomplishment like NONE other!

Eliazbeth has decided to stop updating her on-line journal (see above). i will miss you..... i don't look for you to ever return but, you gave me something to carry on with....... thank you Elizabeth! Good luck in everything you do!

Kisses for you........... jami

more January Kisses

ok, so it doesn't look like a bar but... here it is!
WayBack Bar - Jan. 3, 1999