Wednesday, January 5th, 2000

my Dad emailed me the other day to say that Charles Schultz (the Peanuts creator) was retiring. Evidently Mr. Schultz suffers from depression.... fairly severe depression. And, on top of the depression he just found out he has cancer. My Dad sent me this quote from him......

"Recovering from depression is like teaching a parapalegic to walk without rails. He'll fall and fall and fall but he does keep pulling himself back up.... because he has to."

....... ain't that the truth!

********************

i want to tap dance on the sand at midnight with the full moon acting as my spotlight!

********************

friday i over-extended myself.... 3 appointments and therapy - each taking place between 9:00am and 2:00 pm. i had planned to miss therapy but jonathon really thinks i should be there for the 9:00 am group to get some closure on an anger issue i've been dealing with......

doesn't he know how important these other appointments are to me? well, of course he does... he has practically lived my life with me for the last few months.....

i'm so confused.......

i'm so angry..... i sat in session with him today and cried like a baby.... i don't know why. i was just SO sad about something. i'm angry now because i want to write, write, write, write...... tell you what i'm going on inside of me at this very moment - but i can't find the right words. i can't find any words.

********************

i just talked to Rich. once again i found myself apologizing for what happened on Christmas and he said.... again.... "enough all ready". he said i must not think much of him as a person if i believe he would take that one incident out of all the times we've spent together and judge me on it.....

and i thought to myself... "well, yeah........ normally, people have done things that way with me." but, i kept that to myself.....

i actually called him this evening because i was having a "bad moment" and i needed to make contact with someone....

he asked me what was wrong.

"I'm just fumbling around with decisions right now." I told him.

"...think maybe you have outgrown Lakeshore?" He asked?

"Maybe that's why i was crying so hard today.... knowing that i have to move on but scared to do so......" I replied.

**Pause in conversation**

"Maybe it's time to move on, Jami." He said......

yeah, maybe it is.......

Rich has been completely supportive of my going into a Group Home.

I guess that i just assumed that he was going for it because it'd be easier for him to stop seeing me... i mean, he's not going to want to be with someone who can't live alone and take care of herself.......

Of course, i can't give him the benefit of the doubt and just believe that he thinks it really is a step forward for me.......... nah, that'd be too much like believing him when he told me the day after Christmas that our "conversation" wasn't a big thing..........

********************

i really have been fumbling around......... trying to figure out if.... or what..... or....... i don't know.

**Shaking my Head**

i fall and then i get back up again.... i fall again and stay there to try to figure out what keeps me down....... i get up because i have to.......

i know these entries have been pretty weird lately..... i've been having problems concentrating on things.... not in a bad way as much as i've just had a lot to deal with lately.

i'm going to get it all together one of these days.........

until then, kisses for you................ me

more January Kisses

ok, so it doesn't look like a bar but... here it is!
WayBack Bar - Jan. 5, 1999