It's the last day of November.... i have $21.37 left on my LINK card. I have all the food I need and then some....
i'm so confused tonight. i have been all day.
jonathon (my therapist) spoke with my parents yesterday and with me too..... he's urging (at least, that's the way it feels) that i go into a Group Home. after speaking to my mom and dad he said he realizes even more now how serious my sickness it.... that i have a lot of work to do.... that this disease i have goes so far back into my geneology that my distant relatives probably brought it over on the Mayflower with 'em.
A disease.
A disability.
dis-ease...... i've certainly been
feeling plenty of "dis - ease" lately.
dis-ability.... guess i've experienced my share not being
"able" to get things done also............
I don't like this. I don't like it at all. If you've been around me (this site) long you have come to that conclusion yourself - i'm sure.
I've been struggling with 'where do i go?' and 'what do i do?' since September 1st - Hell, even before then! Now suddenly it would seem that i can't do that anymore....... or, that I 'need' help doing it now......
JESUS, i've needed help for so long..................... now that i'm in my own little world people want to pull me out of it - help me. And, I honestly believe that they do want to HELP. I agree, it's not the most healthy environment i've created for myself. But, it's what I could do....... it's me and it's mine.
When I was a little girl, i would get so angry at Aaron for not sharing his TONKA truck... or his new plastic boat...... i shared everything growing up.... I still do, it's just me... I share - i give the shirt off my back to people who will turn around and use it to wipe their ass with.... i don't care. it's just me........
Except that suddenly, i don't want to share anymore. I don't want to share my clothes, my 'toys' and i DEFINITELY don't want to share Mims! Gosh, I really hated Aaron when he wouldn't share.........
i guess i can do again... sharing my things - i mean. I mean, it isn't something that you forget how to do.... either it's in you to be a sharerererer (sp?) or it isn't - i suppose.
it just seems like i've given up so much.... lost so many things throughout my years of sharing..... i'm afraid of losing more.... what i do have left.... they are things that i've worked so hard to NOT lose..... especially Mimsie.
i'm tired of giving things up
without getting something back in return.
i'm tired of being lied to.
i'm tired of trying soooo hard to make something work.
but, most of all,
i'm tired of being tired.............................
i don't guess i'm any less confused at the moment then when i started this entry. not that i thought spilling out my brains onto the keyboard was going to somehow help me sort things out.... it's just..... well, i don't know what it is.................
i'm just plain ole confused.
i hope you have a good day tomorrow......... kisses for all of you............. me