What am I doing?
I know you can't tell me that..... But, I want you to! Just help me figure out what is wrong. Today someone else told me that there is a missing piece somewhere in my life. A therapist in the hospital told me that. I KNOW that! But, I can't figure it out and I want to. I don't want to live like this anymore. People tell me to just change what I don't like. But, it's not that easy. OR IS IT?
Can I just suck it up and go to work - sit there in the building - that room way up high - no window - people just doing it everyday all day long - can I just be that way? Is it that I just don't want to do that so I'm throwing a tantrum? A very fucking expensive tantrum? Am I looking for someone to take me away from it all so I don't have to try so hard? Is it just that easy? Or is there really something missing? Is there really something wrong with me? Am I just searching around for attention form someone?
I'm 33 years old. Why am I still asking myself these questions? Tonight I wanted to hurt myself. Not HURT, just cut myself - let it out - the thing about letting "it" out that way is that it does hurt. I'm not much for pain - and pain isn't the "it" anyway.
I had a conversation with my parents tonight that felt sterile. I don't like that! They have been my support....I'm afraid they are losing patience with me just as I am have lost patience with myself.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel good about what I'm doing to fix things but, I don't know how to fix them any other way. Going away? Starting over? School? I can't do anything right now and I don't know why!
I told someone today that God never gives us more than we can handle.......... The problem is that I don't know if I really believe that.........