it's 215am and i'm having a panic attack. or an anxiety attack i don't know which. i don't fucking care which actually.
what do you do when you can't call anybody because you know that there isn't anything to they can do for you?
what do you do when you don't know why you feel the way you do. that even though you know it's just a period that you have to 'get' through it doesn't matter?
what about knowing that even if i do make through this time it's going to happen again?
what do you do when you know you've got all the support in the world right now but it doesn't matter because all the people in the world couldn't make it better for you?
what about feeling like there isn't a future.... and knowing that feeling that why is just a 'sign' of depression?
do you just cry until you've worn yourself out and fallen asleep? do you worry about not being able to function at work in the morning - or is that just me?
do you worry about everyone esle giving up on you because you've begun giving up on yourself?
do you know that suicide isn't an option because you know that there isn't ANYTHING at all on the OTHER SIDE?
do you ever wonder if Hester's 'scarlet letter' was really a bloddy scar she'd dug into her body to show everyone that she's hurting inside?
does every inch of your body itch for no reason - and because of the drugs you take for your head are "so strong" you can't take anything to make the itching stop? and, even if you would have tried the itchy drugs anyway, you know that you NEVER want to feel the way you did having to withdraw from someone else's fuck-up so you just itch instead?
does it piss you off too that you don't even have control over the simple things in your life?
has it ever occured to you that nobody fucking knows..... and even if they think they do.... they know that nothing really works - that the bottom line is you just hold on for dear life and cry all the time.
i saw a movie the other night. one of the characters, who has just found out he suffers from panic attacks, says to his doctor..... 'now i run around all the time worried about when/if i'm going to have another one'.
'What if this IS as good as it gets?'
no kisses tonight because i don't know why you'd want them............. j