i had a long conversation with him yesterday.........

i tried to get him to understand that i just wanted him to turn and walk away from me.
i wanted him to understand that i've tried so many times to do it myself and i can't.
i hoped that i could get him to understand that it's not just one of those computer-line issues..... it's so much more.
but he wouldn't go away.... and i just couldn't get myself to push him hard enough......

thus the rain.

i knew it was coming..... i just didn't realize how hard it was going to be - the rain, i mean.

i know that i'm sensitive. and i know that i've been through alot lately. but, i also know that this thing with him goes much deeper than just 'having a bad day - take it out on the good guy'. i've had these feelings about him or for him forever. they aren't anything new to either of us...... sometimes i just think he forgets or something.... or sometimes i think he WANTS to forget about them.

it's hard to deal with feelings that you just can't pin down.... ya can't name away...... i know that of all my friends he does rate at the top for being most supportive..... there were days when i couldn't get settled at work and he'd email me and ....... God, i wish i could have him around all the time. they were exactly the words i needed to hear.... he didn't try to fix me.... he just let me know that he cared.... made me feel like i was worth being cared about......... *shrug* i don't know how to explain it.

i guess i need to remember that this 'thing' isn't about love...... i know that.... it'd be so wrong - sick of me to think that it is.... i mean, a true, romantic sort of love anyway.

he told me that if i was there right now it'd be so hard for him to see me...... he told me that if it's right he'll make it here someday.......

like i said, it's hard to deal with feelings when you don't know what they really are.

i do love him..... in a strange way - not the way we "love" eachother over the lines..... but, in away that i know if he really would have turned and walked away from me yesterday i'd be in so much more pain than i'm going through right now....... yet, it's a way that i don't know how to deal with it all sometimes.......... and, i know, i know that he loves me in the very same way. even if he can't tell me that he does.

i'm hoping that the rain will let up in the morning..... it's still very damp outside. my head hurts from all the thunder crashing and lightening striking my insides - the pain i want to go away.... i just wish i knew how to keep him in the meantime.

good night everyone...... kisses...... me

more September Kisses
more kisses