A hillbilly couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby

came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful

Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so

they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever

possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so

he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had

relatives all over the country.

Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying.

No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone

would have a bomb on the plane.

She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess

demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly

every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be

convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have

a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe

one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people

having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Tom, Dick, and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night,

when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets

each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was

drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long

gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were

enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

This Jew put his 3 year old son on the table and said, "Son, jump down from

the table." The son was scared and said, "No, I will hurt myself." The father

said, "Don't worry, I will catch you before you hit the ground, you don't

think your father is going to let you fall." So, the son jumped and the father

did not catch him. After the kid stopped crying some half an hour later, the

father said, "Son, you have learn your first lesson in life. Don't trust

anyone, not even your father."

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national

pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager

operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less

often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a

man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was

instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After

three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she

didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing

that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does

she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

A man received a phone call from a mortician in another town. Seems his

mother-in-law had passed away. The mortician wanted instructions as to whether

to prepare her for burial or cremate the woman. The man replied quickly,

"You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!"

Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to

Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a

diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the

windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"

shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on

and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the

Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and

hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY G-D DAM* HOOD!!"

~ A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the

woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken

for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is.

This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"