The Movie

An Aussie and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they see a

cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend says to the

Aussie: "I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus." The Aussie answers:"I do not

believe that." They agree that the looser invites the winner to a bottle of

wine after the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they

drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema. Then the

friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw the film for the

second time." The Aussie replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did

not think that this fool would ride into the cactus again."

Riddles

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree

would kill you?

A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

Same Message

Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs. They had

been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the

same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were

waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.

The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his

right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears,

just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy

Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to

the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough

business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around

the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the

polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the

owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his

chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to

help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever

you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed

and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in.

Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across

the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled

at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes,

keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large

bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!"

The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How

could you tell that from way over there?"

"Its obvious" said Billy Joe "You can't wear glasses, you ain't got

no ears!"

Use or Abuse

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and

insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a

toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or

charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained , "I've

spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you

going back there?"