SHORT TAKES.

GOD

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up

to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay

dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went

to Heaven," I replied.

My son thought a moment and said, "Why'd God throw him back down?"

QUESTION OF BELIEF

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving

very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man

over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads

stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there

was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these

mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to

go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I

stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And

the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of

whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step

out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

GAME

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his

company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the

seat is in the last row in the far upper corner of the stadium - he's

closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty

seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a

chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to

the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob

Again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right

mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was

Supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl

we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you

find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

COMPETITION

Once there was a competition. The idea of the competition was to see who

who was the best using longbow and arrows. Target was an apple on top of a

little boy's head.

First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. "I'm

William Tell."

Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into William's arrow.

"I'm Robin Hood."

Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boy's

left eye. "I'm sorry!"

ONE UP

This guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to

a, Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and

shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car.

You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there,

too? I got a fridge in the backseat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a

refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got

a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the backseat of

my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of

course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury

car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a

bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he does not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce

speeds away, and goes straight to the dealer, where he promptly

orders that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picks up the car and the

bed looks superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It's clearly

a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins

searching for the Yugo, and he drives all day. Finally, late at

night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up

from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the

Yugo. When there isn't any answer, he knocks and knocks,

and eventually the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet. "I now

have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the

Rolls states arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looks at him and says, "You got me out of the

shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

CHANGE

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on

a hot day and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want

to go in and get a drink but have no money. But the priest comes

up with an idea that he thinks might work, so he goes in alone,

telling to others that if his idea works they can all get free

drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's finished with it, the

bartender gives him his tab.

The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!"

The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really

busy in here and I must have forgotten."

The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened,

so the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then

informs the bartender that he already had paid when the bartender

asks him for the money. Again the bartender apologizes.

Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender

gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I

ordered the drink."

"I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's

wrong with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this

to."

"I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,...

Just give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way!"

KNOW HIM

An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an eye doctor for a

checkup.

The doctor started with some simple testing showing him a standard

eye chart with the letters: CRKBNWXSKZY

The doc asked, "Can you read that?"

Czech says, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!"

THE BABY

With help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All

of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their

family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A

little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not

yet."

Finally they say. "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When

the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby

cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it"

DOUBLE NEGATIVE

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one

day. "In English,"he said, "a double negative forms a

positive. In some languages though,such as Russian, a

double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language

wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up,

"Yeah. Right."

IMAGINATION

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the

personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director

asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years

experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted

somebody with imagination."