Hearing Problems.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set ofhearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentlemanwent back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Mouse Tales

Once upon a time an unhappy mouse went to see a tree guru in Brooklyn. "I

am tired of being a mouse," he said. "I understand that you could make me

into a gnome."

"That's true," said the guru. "I just happen to have the necessary leaven

to make the change. Come into my leaven room and I’ll fix you up."

The mouse was a little alarmed when he saw the guru pick up a shovel. "Oh

don’t worry," said the guru reassuringly.

As Edgar, a guest, observed, . . . "It takes a heap of leaven of make a

mouse a gnome."

The church mouse's wife had her bags packed and was ready to walk out the door.

"Why are you so unhappy?" her husband asked. "We have a roof over our heads and every day the kind old preacher puts in his hand and feeds us cheese and bread crumbs. It could be worse!"

"I'm 1eaving you for good this time, Ralph, " she said. . . . "I'm sick

and tired of living a hand to mouse existence!" (By Don Lindal)

Fear No Evil

For many generations a family had raised cotton in a lush southern valley.

Unfortunately, the boll weevil came to call and for three seasons their crop

was wiped out. The younger members of the family urged their patriarch to

leave the cursed valley which was driving them to ruin but he refused,

saying, . . . "Though I live in the valley in the shadow of debt, I will

fear no weevil!" (By Herb Silverman)

The World According to Student Bloopers

By Richard Lederer

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is

receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have

pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably

genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,

from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn

a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the

Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such thatthe inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them

to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kindsof columns-Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. SirWalter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother diedin infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assisinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species.

Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

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