“This is the end of the world,”
My roommate was saying, but I was too busy writing off to a college
About how wasteful they were being with their overuse of dental floss.
The absolute horror! To think
That a ball of that stuff, the size of a raw green tomato,
Was being used as a ball in an alternative game of cricket.

Well, this would just not do. The World Organization of Cricket
Players (Esq.), would be on their backs in one turn of the world,
Not to mention that illustrious group, the Tomato
Lovers of America. This college
(Its name was Rhodes, I think.)
Was using and abusing its dental floss,

And it was high time someone did something about it. Dental floss,
In today’s market, is one of the rare commodities that not even a chirping cricket
Could afford without emptying its nonexistent pockets. One would think
That with such a crisis going on in today’s world,
This high-ranking university, this high-and-mighty college
Would be so wasteful. I was tempted to throw a tomato

At their building! Mind you, not just any tomato.
This would have to be a special one, wrapped in dental floss.
The whole of this system, this degradation of the College
Atmosphere (heightened to the maximum by a cd entitled “Cricket
Noise”) would permeate the entire world,
And all humanity would cease to clearly think.

(They say you have to prove to these people that you can think,
And that a story involving a cricket, dental floss, and a tomato
Will bring you up in the world.)
I wrote that letter to Rhodes, snubbing their use of dental floss,
Mailed it, and walked outside to play a game of cricket.
(I still remember what College

Board neglects to tell new students. They should say, “Applying to college
Will drive you insane.” I happen to think
That whoever They are, They have the mentality of a cricket...)
I laugh maniacally, munching on a ripe tomato,
Winding around my fingers a handful of mint-flavored dental floss,
And declare to the rest of the B Ward patients, “...and that is how I changed the world!”