the questionable establishment

2001.04.04

Well, I never finished that last entry. Matter of fact, I deleted it. So here I am, listening to an Alanis Morrisette cd (the second one - Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie) that I haven't listened to since I bought it. I'm looking at my Greeks Do It Better pin, the sailing ship behind it that my grandmother painted, sweating in the faux air conditioning that forces me to keep the window open. And through all of this I'm wondering just exactly what the hell I'm thinking. All along, throughout high school, I've gone from thinking I was hated to thinking I was loved. Today, I find out that people like me a little better than I credited them for. I, loser me hiding in a corner hoping no one will notice I haven't had a chance to take a shower in the morning despite the lack of air conditioning and, thus, extra sweat, talking to no one as usual—and my homeroom, full of people who I thought wouldn't give a thought to forgetting I existed, go and nominate me for two SENIOR FAVORITES. Me! Two! My God. When it came up for three people to nominate for each of, like, 6? categories, I was chosen for both Most Likely to Succeed and Most Creative. I mean, naturally I've always wanted to have something like that to attach to my name. But I never thought anyone but me would attach it. I don't expect to win, of course (that would require another homeroom nominating me for the same thing), but it would be nice.

::Listens to "That I Would Be Good," and wonders whether to smile or cry.::

I don't know. I mean, I'm not the most responsible person in the world. I have projects to do tonight that I've put off past the deadline. I have a dirty room, a lost wallet (amont other things), an accident on my driving record. So what does that make me? Normal? Maybe so, after all.

Have you ever noticed that you can hear a person's voice in her breath?

And the air is circulating, and I have a shot at the next few minutes. How do you keep from putting things off so that you can live later, so that you can live up to responsibilities? And what is life if we spend it working? Do we work to live or live to work? It seems so hard to figure things out sometimes... ::sigh::

I'm going to go make a To Do list. I need conviction to do the work to get the work out of the way to create something that will make me something more of what I am. Out for now.

Hail and Farewell,
Leaina-arni/Lioness-lamb