Jack: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to our show. I'm Jack, and this is my sister, Jill, and we're proud to be your announcers for this most spectacular of events!
Jill: Yes, this is it, the moment all fae have been waiting for, Accordance War II!
(Sounds of applause from the crowds.)
Jack: And it certainly is a lovely day for it.
Jill: As you all know, the sidhe claim the right to rule all of the fae, but the commoners demand the right to self rule. However, everyone has agreed that another war would result in needless bloodshed and loss of life.
Jack: Quite right, Jill. So, both sides have agreed to this match. Each major kith will send one champion to face off against the sidhe in a game of their choosing.
Jill: Well, then let's get on with it. Who's our first challenger, Jack.
Jack: It's a hobbit, er, boggan, Jill. What game will he choose?
Jill: It looks like he's picked Chinese Checkers, Jack.
*** ROUND 1: Jayna Copperpot vs. Baron Reginald van Snootissimus ap Leanhaun ***
Jack: It's the twentieth move, how does it look to you, Jill?
Jill: They seem about tied to me, Jack. But Reginald looks pleased all of a sudden. I think he has a plan.
Reginald: (moves) You know, Jayna, it would be very HELPFUL to me if you'd move your piece to there.
Jayna: urghhhhh. (fails willpower roll) Okay, like that, sir?
(and the game goes down hill from there)
Jack: Well, the first round didn't go so well for the commoners, did it, Jill.
Jill: No it didn't, but the games not over yet, Jack. The eshu are second, and their champion has chosen Monopoly™.
*** ROUND 2: Sheeneza vs. Duchess Siobhan ni Gwydion ***
Sheeneza: (Rolls a nine and lands on Connecticut)
Siobhan: You owe me 100 dollars rent.
Sheeneza: I do not. This is the first move and you haven't bought any property yet.
Siobhan: I am the duchess! I already own all this land. I do not have to buy it.
Sheeneza: You do so, it's in the rules... Hey! What are you doing now?
Siobhan: I see no need to wait before putting up these buildings. Let us have hotels immediately!
Sheeneza: JUDGES!!!
(And so, the sidhe lose at Monopoly™)
*** Round Three: Gershlan von Gearslinger vs. Count Andrew Neismith of Ailil ***
Jack: Well round two is over and it's a tie!
Jill: This certainly is an exciting match, Jack. What's next?
Jack: Gershlan von Gearslinger represents the nockers, and he's chosen Scrabble™.
Jill: Well, the nocker should certainly have the advantage with, um, vocabulary.
Jack: I'm not so sure, Jill, look what the Sidhe just spelled.
*The sidhe has placed the tiles for "oferniman" on the board.*
Gershlan: What kind of {expletive deleted) word is {expletive deleted) "oferniman"?
Andrew: Pure English, unsullied by centuries of corruption by lesser tongues!
Gershlan: That ain't no {expletive deleted) word! It's {expletive deleted) gotta {expletive deleted) be in the {expletive deleted) dictionary!
Andrew: Very well. Shall we also look up that monstrosity you placed with all the X's and no vowels?
Gershlan: {Expletive deleted) is a {expletive deleted) nocker technical term!
Andrew: If my words have to be in the dictionary, so do yours.
Gershlan: (Kicks the board) I knew you {expletive deleted) sidhe would cheat! I give up!
Andrew: That is why you lost the last war.
(And the score is 2:1 against the commoners)
*** Round 4: "Skeeter" Pookanose vs. Countess Gredda von Turnedupnose ni Dougal ***
Jack: Things aren't going well for the commoners, Jill.
Jill: No, they aren't, but there are plenty of matches left to go. What game have the pooka chosen?
Skeeter: (Places a box and the table in front of Gredda.) I didn't bring Trivial Pursuit™!
(The commoners in the crowd moan. Skeeter rolls the dice and Gredda reads a card.)
Gredda: Who was the fourth musketeer?
Skeeter: Annette!
*Despite the fact that the Sidhe doesn't know a single event from the last four hundred years, the game goes downhill from there.*
*** Round 5: Bloodnose ap His Momma vs. Lord Peter Brackensmere ap Liam ***
Jack: It's 3:1 against the commoners, do you think they have a chance of turning this around, Jill?
Jill: It's still early in the game, Jack. Anything could happen. And the rivalry between the redcaps and the sidhe goes back a long way. I'm sure he'll do his best to beat the sidhe. What game has he chosen?
Jack: We'll know any second now, Jill. Here he comes onto the field. Wait a minute, what's that behind him, it looks like a truck full of Hostess Snack Cakes.
Bloodnose: I challenge yuse to a pie eatin contest!
Peter: That's hardly a game! Choose a real game.
Bloodnose: Says you! Pie eatin contests been a part of da 'merican tradition since... uh, since, uh, a long time ago! Good redblooded 'merican boys has always hoped ta win pie eatin contests! Ya ain't got no right to say it ain't not a game.
Referee: The decision stands. Now, get ready... BEGIN!
Peter: (Grab, open box, unwrap, bite, bite, grab, open box, unwrap, bite, bite, grab, open box, unwrap, bite, bite...)
Bloodnose: (Grab, bite, grab, bite, grab, bite, grab, grab, grab, BITE, grab, grab, grab, BITE)
(Needless to say, not having to open the package proves a decided advantage to the redcaps.)
*** Round 6: Daniel Furybottam vs. Duchess Delictia ni Fiona ***
Jack: The redcap victory has brought the score up to 3:2 against the commoners. Can the pull victory from the jaws of defeat?
Jill: It seems likely, Jack. The satyrs have picked a game where their stamina will be a major advantage, arm wrestling. They should be able to take this game easily, since the sidhe have chosen their champion badly this time.
Jack: You're right, the Duchess isn't known for her strength of arms. I wonder what the sidhe were thinking.
(Daniel and the Duchess approach the table. Before Daniel sits, the duchess leans, whispers something in his ear. Then she sits. They put their elbows on the table, and she uses her other hand to adjust her shawl to show extra cleavage.)
(They clasp hands and Daniel's arm hits the table instantly.)
Jill: The satyr lost!
Daniel: That's what you think, cutie!
(The audience groans in despair as Daniel and the sidhe disappear behind the stadium.)
*** Round Seven: Demetrius "Mucky" Romanov vs. Sir Gabrial ap Ailil ***
Jack: This looks bad for the commoners, Jill. Even if they win all the remaining rounds, they'll only tie.
Jill: That's true, we'd have to have another contest to break the tie, but if they lose even one, then the sidhe rule forever!
Jack: It's the sluagh's turn to choose a game. What will they choose?
(The sluagh almost oozes out of the shadows and he spreads a cloth and game board on the ground.)
Demetrius: (hissing) Twisssssssterssss.
Gabrial: Um, concede!
(And the commoners win the seventh round.)
*** Round eight: David Glorion vs. Baron Euel ap Gwydion ***
Jack: It's the last round of the contest. If the trolls win, then it's a tie and we'll have to do it all again. If the trolls lose, then the sidhe will rule uncontested. What game have the trolls chosen?
David: The rules are simple, sidhe. The first one of us to blink, loses.
(The contest lasts for twenty-seven minutes, but in the end, nothing stands up to the iron will of the trolls. The sidhe blinks.)
Jack: It's a tie! We're going to have to do this all over again!
Julian ap Scathach: Not so fast! There's another kith to demand freedom.
Euel: The sidhe can't be a commoner kith, Scathach. You're not part of this contest.
Julian: For decades, you resurgence sidhe have called us commoners. Well it's time to eat your words, noble. If commoners we are, then as commoners we will enter this contest. You cannot claim the sidhe are not a major kith.
Euel: No...
Julian: Then so be it. I demand entrance into this contest, and my game is Chess!
Euel: Chess! I am a chess master of House Gwydion. Very well, fallen sidhe, I accept!
(The board is quickly set up. Euel arrogantly offers Julian the white pieces, so certain is he of victory. Julian moves his queen pawn two spaces forward.)
Euel: What are you doing! Pawns move one space at a time.
Julian: The rules have changed. A pawn may move two spaces on it's first move, bishops can move any number of spaces along the diagonal, and the queen is now the most powerful piece on the board!
Euel: But but, that's not fair! Play the way the rules used to be!
Julian: Perhaps you shouldn't have missed the past 400 years of history! You want to rule in the modern world, play by the modern rules.
Euel: But I don't know these openings! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(And that is how the commoners won Accordance War II.)