(The man turns off the TV. Opening credits)
(Establishing shot: Clone High. Inside, Gandhi puts two french fries up his nose)
Gandhi: Check it out. I'm the guy with two french fries up his nose! Get it?
(Abe laughs, pounding the table)
Abe: That's hilarious, Gandhi! Aw, your impressions are awesome.
Joan: Uh, spaz? Putting fries up your nose is not an impression. You actually are a guy with fries up his nose!
Gandhi: Oh, you like impressions, huh? (Takes Joan's retainer out of her mouth and puts it in his mouth. Then he stands up on his chair) Hi, I'm Joan of Arc, and I wear a retainer.
(Abe laughs harder)
Abe: Hi, I'm Abe Lincoln, and I've never laughed... (laughs) laughed so hard in my life.
Gandhi: Up high, h-onest Habe!
(Joan punches him and takes her retainer)
Joan: This bent wire better not cause an overbite, or in three to five years, I'm gonna--
(A poster is pasted over her head, muffling her voice. Cleo is putting up posters all over the room. JFK and President Dog are with her)
Cleo: Perfect! Oh. Sorry. I didn't see you there.
JFK: I did, but I didn't say anything.
Abe: Wow Cleo, you're doing a bang-up job promoting the Awareness Fair.
(Joan wasn't the only person to get stuck to the wall by a poster)
Cleo: This year, the theme for the awareness fair is... awareness.
Abe: Wow!
Gandhi: That is a good theme!
JFK: I like it also!
(President Dog yelps)
Cleo: And for a fundraiser, I'm hosting an open mouth kissing booth.
(Joan lifts the poster off her face)
Joan: Oh, for herpes awareness?
(Cleo narrows her eyes)
Gandhi: (Holding some money) Gandhi'll take a little sugar right now.
(JFK punches Gandhi)
JFK: Show some respect! (Holding up some money) JFK'll take a little sugar right now!
(They tongue wrestle. Abe watches)
Cleo: That was so hot. The girls definitely won't walk away from our kissing booth disappointed.
JFK: (Backing away) Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Whooaa! Whoa. WHOA! Our uh opened mouth kissing booth? More like your uh opened mouth kissing booth! You know my policy regarding fatties. (He lifts up his jumper. He is wearing a "NO FATTIES" T-Shirt underneath)
Cleo: But you don't see me complaining about having to kiss poor people! I'm sure you can make an exception for one day.
JFK: Well I'm tired of making exceptions, hussy! And I'm tired of playing second fiddle to that pooch!
Cleo: There's nothing going on between me and President Dog!
President Dog: Huh?
JFK: (Raising his palms) What happened to us, Cleo? I'll bet you let him poop in your backyard too!
(He leaves. President Dog follows)
(Scudworth and Mr Butlertron walk down a hallway)
Boy: (High fiving Mr B) Ring a ding ding, Mr Butlertron.
(Another boy, possibly James Dean, mumbles and also high fives Mr B)
Boy 3: (High fiving Mr B) Hell of a show last night, Mr B.
Boy 4: (High fiving Mr B) High five, sir.
Scudworth: Mr B! I'm the principal, and you're a mere butler slash vice principal slash dehumidifier, yet every student says hello to you and ignores me! How can I get close to the students?
Mr Butlertron: I try to listen with compassion, instead of killing them.
Scudworth: Of course! It's that soothing cardigan sweater of yours!
(Mr Butlertron looks at his soothing cardigan sweater. It sparkles. The sparkle reflects off Scudworth's glasses)
(Cleo sits in front of a hedge with roses. Abe approaches)
Abe: Cleo, uh, what're you doing here?
Cleo: I come here whenever I break up with JFK. Seems like I've been here a lot lately.
Abe: (Wiggling his eyebrows) Then these are lucky roses.
Cleo: How do you mean?
Abe: Uh... 'cause you visit them?
Cleo: Actually, Abe, flowers are just the reproductive organs of plants. They can't tell when someone visit them. (Abe raises a finger and starts to speak, but changes his mind) I'm just feeling sad. I don't know how I'll manage the opened mouth kissing booth.
Abe: Well I can help. I love opened mouth kissing. It's so much more open than closed mouth kissing.
(Joan watches them as Cleo jumps up and puts her hand on Abe's shoulder. A tear falls down her cheek)
Voice: Don't feel alone. God is always with you.
(Joan's eyes widen, and she looks at Gandhi, who's stuffing his mouth with straws)
Joan: Did you say something?
Gandhi: (Shaking his head) Uh uh.
Joan: The voices! Finally! (Happy) The voices!
(JFK is in Scudworth's office)
Scudworth: Come on now! Talk to me!
JFK: I am uh, not gonna open up to you!
Scudworth: Lynn, quick, your cardigan!
Mr Butlertron: But it's cold and flu season.
Scudworth: (whiny) Give it! (Mr Butlertron gives it with a sigh. Underneath, he wears a stained singlet and has chest hair) Behold, the soothing power of this enchanted... sweater vest. (It sparkles, then shines brightly) Behold it!
(JFK stares)
JFK: Do you have a BB gun?
Scudworth: I have several.
JFK: Wanna go shoot birds sometime?
Scudworth: I would love to!
(The clones are taking a test. Gandhi is smiling)
Gandhi: (writing) B, D, B, C, C, A, D, woop, I'm done!
(He bounces)
Caesar: Do you mind? We're taking a test!
Mr Sheepman: Gandhi! Just try and sit still until everyone is finished.
Gandhi: Not a problem, Mr Sheepman. (He looks around, still bouncing, and drums his fingers on his desk. Then he taps his foot and clicks his pen. He pops up in front of Abe, Joan, Cleo and JFK) Rhythm is everywhere!
Abe: (laughing) It's true, it's everywhere!
(Mr Sheepman snatches Gandhi's pen off him)
Mr Sheepman: Darn it, Gandhi, I've had with your constant fidgeting! (He walks back to his desk. Gandhi takes a deep breath and blows a long raspberry offscreen. When he's finished, Mr Sheepman stops walking) Who did that? (Gandhi whistles) Your innocent whistling doesn't fool me. I'm seventy percent sure that farting noise came from you. (Abe and Gandhi high five. Mr Sheepman claps his hands) Hall monitor!
(The hall monitor, who is huge, opens the door hard and drags Gandhi out)
Gandhi: I am so on today!
(In Scudworth's office, Gandhi opens and close doors and drawers and pulls paper out of the waste paper basket)
Scudworth: Stop fidgeting, boy! Can't you see I'm wearing a cardigan? (The cardigan sparkles. Gandhi ignores him and drinks the contents of a test tube) What's his deal, man?
Mr Butlertron: Impulsiveness, hyperactivity, short attention span. (Gandhi does push ups) I'll run the symptoms through my computer. (Makes musical beeping noises. There is a short pause, then he starts doing it again) Oh Wesley. You have ADD.
(Gandhi stops making swimming motions on a chair and turns serious. His pupils dilate)
Gandhi: ADD? Am I... (raises palms) dying?
Mr Butlertron: No, it's ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. You also have ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.
Gandhi: Wow, I... I need a minute to think about this. (He stares out a window with his hands behind his back. He very quickly cheers up) Hey, check out this extra flabby skin on my elbow! (flicking it) What is that?
Singers:
Boy with earring:
Brunet Boy:
Singers:
Brunet Boy:
Girl in beret:
Brunet Boy:
Boy with afro:
Singers:
(Paul Revere rides past on a horse)
Paul Revere:
Singers:
(Several fingers snap and a Broadway style song starts featuring six students. It takes place in the hallways)
Did you hear?
Did you hear?
Gandhi has ADD
Incurable disease
Did you hear, did you hear?
Don't tell Paul Revere
Gandhi is contagious
Totally outrageous
A disease with initials?
That's the worst kind
ADD has warped his mind
Did you hear
Did you hear?
Don't tell Paul Revere
Don't tell Paul Revere
(In harmony)
Don't tell Paul Reveeeereeee
Too laaaaaate!
Ba-rum, ba-rum, ba-rum ba-rum ba-rum
Gandhi has ADD
Gandhi has ADD
You get it from toilet seats
Use a protective sheet
Attention Deficit Disordeeeer
ADD!
(A spotlight comes on and they all pant)
Abe: It can't be true. But then again, it rhymed. So it must be.
(Joan enters the wood work classroom. She approaches Jesús Cristo, a Hispanic student wearing a fake halo. His name is
pronounced "Hey-zeus Cris-to". Light shines on him briefly)
Joan: Jesús Cristo, do you know the story of Joan of Arc?
Jesús: Yeah, I seen the movie out on DVD, homes. She was like sixteen, right? And then God told her to make the Frenchies fight the Englisses, you know, the people that drink tea all the time and have big teeth? And then, people started getting mad 'cause she was hearing voices, and then at the end, she got cooked like a steak. (Puts two thumbs up) Pretty good, I give it thumbs up, homes.
Joan: Basically. See, I've never been able to live up to her, that's why instead, I became a cynical, angst-ridden goth girl. But now, I'm hearing voices. Religious voices.
Jesús: Daaaamn. Hey, did he tell you who's gonna win the Latin Grammys? If it's Ricky Martin, don't tell me hey, don't tell me. It's Ricky Martin, huh?
(Joan grabs Jesús by the shirt)
Joan: It's totally freaking me out!
(Jesús pushes her away gently)
Jesús: Hey, take a hit, relax. God's messages can be a total drag. But you know you have to do what he tells you hey, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.
Joan: Wait. (Covers Jesús' mouth) Wait, the voices are telling me to head on down to... Saint Paul's... Mattress Discounters! I have to go! Jesús? God's power is in the mix!
(She runs off. Jesús watches her, then apparently nails his hand to the table, which is offscreen. Caesar appears)
Caesar: Be careful with that nail gun, Jesús.
(Abe and Cleo stand in front of the kissing booth for the Awareness Fair)
Abe: I'm worried about Gandhi.
Cleo: Me too. You don't think he'll freak out and bite me, do you?
Abe: He hasn't done anything to hurt anyone!
Cleo: Hey, which opened mouth kissing technique do you like better? This one? (Closes her eyes, moves her tongue up and down and smacks her lips) Or this one? (Closes her eyes and moves her tongue from side to side)
(Abe looks overjoyed)
(Scudworth and Mr B walk down the hallway)
JFK: Hey uh, Principal, look! (He points to a set of lockers with arms and legs sticking out of them) I fit the entire freshman class into just ten lockers! (JFK and Scudworth laugh) Oh man!
Scudworth: (laughing) Oh my! Oh JFK, (pinching JFK's cheeks) you're such a wonderful boy! So full of fun and life!
JFK: (leaving) I'm gonna go chuck a dead gopher into the girl's bathroom!
Scudworth: Classic!
(Joan is standing on a table at Saint Paul's Mattress Discounters. People are staring)
Joan: Jesus saves, and so will we, on California kings all weekend long! (Pokes some guy) If you can find a lower price, God will give you a bed for free! (Presses a mattress) Oh, feel it! Firm! But not too firm, just like the Lord!
(Marie Curie, Gene Kelly, and a few others. Marie Curie is huge and mutated looking. She sounds like a little girl,
though)
Marie: No, Gene Kelly. (Demonstrating) Shuffle, cha-cha, spin left, shimmy, booty quake, thrust, booty quake, thrust.
Gene Kelly: Wow. Marie Curie's mutated DNA may have left her grotesquely deformed, but she's a realy glood dancer.
(Gandhi shows up in a gold leotard and white leggings. The others stare at him)
Gandhi: Sorry, I'm late, but somebody forgot to tell El Gandhisimo we had practice. (Lies on his back) Hey, before we kick it, can I get someone to stretch my hammies?
Marie: Gandhi? This is really hard to say. I think maybe 'cause of your condition, you shouldn't be--
Gandhi: You're kicking me off the dance squad. (Raises palms and dilates pupils) The Solid Gandhi Dancers? But I'm the treasurer!
Marie: What if you have ADD attack, and you can't pay attention to the moves?
Gandhi: That's not gonna happen. Check this out.
(He dances hyperactively for a while)
Marie: Gandhi stop, you're out of control!
Gandhi: Are you watchin'? Are you watchin'? 'Cause watch this, here it comes, finish. Hah!
(He kicks out and knocks down a pillar, which crushes Gene Kelley)
(A PTA meeting. The sign outside reads: "ADD: GOD'S WRATH OR EGYPTIAN CURSE?". Everyone is yelling)
Woman: I don't want that diseased freak going near my Attila!
Man in spacesuit: I don't really think it's safe for Gandhi to wander round without a spacesuit.
Toots: Folks, you all know me. I'm Toots, Joan of Arc's foster grandpa. Now, I may be blind, but I can see certain things loud and clear. This is a room full of scared people making decisions based on fear, and ignorance. (The others look ashamed) Now when I left the house this evening, I intended to go to Giovanni's Italian Restaurant. I can tell I'm in the wrooong place. (Leaving) So if you'll excuse me, I'll leave and let you get on with your meeting.
(Everyone starts yelling again)
Scudworth: Settle, the bevested principal has the answer! (He lifts up a microphone) THERAPUTIC ISOLATION!
(All gasp)
Woman 2: That will solve everything.
Man: I feel so pacified.
Man 2: Is that cashmere?
Carl: The man in the dapper cardigan is right. Let's lock him up like a diabetic!
Wally: I vote we form an angry mob, just a whole bunch of mens just... running.
(Meanwhile, at the Grassy Knoll, Abe and Cleo are sitting together)
Abe: I've never sat here in the popular section before. Wow, salt and pepper?
Cleo: With me, Abe? It's first class all the way.
(Gandhi jumps onto the table)
Gandhi: Abe, you've gotta help me! You're all I have, man! ...Is that pepper?
Cleo: Abe, do you have a celibacy wish?
Abe: No, no! A thousand times no!
Cleo: Because when I see you talking to Gandhi, I feel like totally not kissing you.
Gandhi: You wanna kiss something, Cleo? You can start with my solid gold ass! (Raises his hand) Up high, Lincoln Continental! (Abe raises his hand a little, then lowers it) Dude, don't leave me hanging. (Abe doesn't move) C'mon Abe, it's me. (Gandhi's pupils dilate) Gandhi. Don't you know me?
Abe: Sorry, Gandhi. I'm kinda tired.
Gandhi: (annoyed) Fine. (High fives himself without enthusiasm) I never thought the world would see Abraham Lincoln dissing Mahatma Gandhi.
(He takes off a medallion reading "BEST DUDES 4-EVA")
Abe: Gandhi, no! Not our matching friendship locket!
(Abe takes his out from under his shirt)
Gandhi: Best dudes forever, Abe? Best dudes forever?
(He gives his locket to Abe and walks away. Abe looks about to cry as he strokes the locket. Outside, Gandhi walks away, but stops when he notices the glow behind him. He looks around and sees an angry torch wielding mob made up of PTA members, who are holding signs like "P.T.A. RULEZ" and "LET'S GET THE MONSTER (Gandhi)". Gandhi looks frightened and the flames are reflected in his glasses)
(Abe walks by the Infirmary For The Brainsick, where Gandhi is painting a picture)
Abe: I brought you some fries. I was thinking you could, I dunno, stick some in your nose. Like old times.
Gandhi: Keep yer damn fries.
Abe: Look Gandhi, when I chose not to high five you yesterday, it wasn't because I don't care about you. It was because I didn't wanna touch you.
Gandhi: I'm sorry, is somebody talking? 'Cause I don't see anyone.
Abe: Gandhi-- (His phone rings and he answers it) Hi Cleo. Yeah, I got your fax. Yeah, I already called ahead to the lipblam shelter. Yeah. I'm going right now. (He hangs up, and speaks in a heavier tone) I'm going right now.
(Gandhi watches him go angrily, then cries a single tear)
(The next scene is a montage. Abe gets into his car and drives off. The numberplate reads "MNCIPATE". Abe opens the locket
and looks at the picture of him and Gandhi inside. They're in a fishing boat, and Gandhi has a fish up his nose. Both are
laughing. Abe rubs the back of his head, then his beard, not paying any attention to the road at all. There's a shot of a
young Abe and Gandhi in the bath. Gandhi has the soap up his nose, and Abe splashes. Back in the present, Abe drinks coffee.
There's another flashback to Gandhi's Bar Mitzvah, during which Gandhi sticks the Torah up his nose and Abe laughs. In the
present, Abe cleans his ear with his finger. In a hospital, Abe watches a surgeon pull a shoe, a cat, a plug, and a huge pile
of jellybeans out of Gandhi's nose. Then Abe and Gandhi splash at the beach. They hug in a close up, and a starfish is
visible in Gandhi's nose. In the present, Abe stops looking vacant and starts looking determined. He pulls away from the Lip
Balm Shelter and parks in front of the ADD Education Institute, which is right next door)
(Inside, Abe reads a book called Tom Green's Big Book Of ADD)
Tom Green: (offscreen) Hi there, friend.
Abe: (looking up) Wow, Tom Green!
Tom Green: Who?
Abe: You work here?
Tom Green: Oh, I always make time to teach kids the facts about ADD. And/or ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.
Abe: Huh?
Tom Green: (Taking the book) Hey, you're reading my book. (Creepily) Touch the book. Liiick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Book book book book book book book book book. (Normally) Yeah, I haven't read it either. (Throws the book away) People with ADD, they aren't good readers. (Holds up a razor) Wanna go shave a dog?
Abe: My friend has ADD, and everyone in school treats him like kinda leper!
Tom Green: Well that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump on my parent's bed? (Abe says nothing. Tom Green makes a bird noise) I'm a albatross! I'm an albatross! (Musically, while walking around and flapping his arms) I'm flap flap flapping my albatross wings, flap flap flapping my albatross wings...
(He jumps out of a window, screams, plays with the extra flabby skin on his elbow, and screams again)
(Scudworth sits at his desk. The cardigan is still sparkling)
Scudworth: Go ahead. I'm here for you.
JFK: (Lying on a couch) I er uh, recently broke up with my er, girlfriend Cleo.
Scudworth: (nervous) Remember, too much emotion makes Doctor Scudworth uncomfortable.
JFK: But she was the first girl that gave me er, what's that word? Feelings!
(He wipes away a tear. Scudworth recoils)
Scudworth: Ugh! Is that water leaking out of your face?
(JFK raises his palms. Scudworth presses a button and JFK falls through a hidden trap door)
JFK: (screams) Er, uh, (screams some more)
(Scudworth walks over to Mr Butlertron)
Scudworth: What is this touchy-feely bullcrap? Yech! (taking off the cardigan) I don't want the power of this sweater no more!
(The Awareness Fair. The camera pans past the Anorexia Bulimia Pie Eat, the Motion Sickness Aware-O-Whirl, and a long line
leading to Cleo's opened mouth kissing booth. Abe looks on. Joan comes up behind him, wearing a sandwich board reading "HIS
POWER IS IN THE MIX!")
Joan: God won't stop talking to me. His power is the in the mix! I haven't slept in 78 hours. (laughing) Oh, my goodness, I'm knackered.
(She blinks one eye at a time)
Abe: Jeez, that guy's like 45!
(At the Infirmary For The Brainsick, Scudworth has Gandhi on an operating table. He is holding something that resembles a
drill. He also has three kinds of saw, a sword and a syringe close by)
Scudworth: Whee! It's experimental surgery time!
Gandhi: Go on man, do it. I want you to. Stick it in my head, I hope it kills me.
(Scudworth puts the drill down)
Scudworth: You're not terrified, where's the sport?
Gandhi: I don't wanna live in a world where buds diss their homeboys. You're a high school principal, you don't know what's like to be lonely!
Scudworth: On the contrary, Gandhi. Some principals do feel loneliness. (Walks over to the window) We're not the invincible gods that teen magazines would have you believe.
(Gandhi gets up and looks out the window)
Gandhi: Then I guess there's no hope for guys like us.
Scudworth: There's always hope, Gandhi. When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make... super lemons. (Pointing out the window) So go down to that Awareness Fair, stand up for what's right, and bring me back a funnel cake!
Gandhi: But there's no way out of this place.
(Scudworth holds up a keyring)
Scudworth: Isn't there?
(He drops the keys on the floor, and Gandhi looks at them)
Gandhi: Oh. I think I know what you're saying.
(He picks up Mr B and throws him through the window, shattering it, then jumps through the hole)
Mr Butlertron: (Offscreen) You really helped that boy.
Scudworth: I did. And without the sweater vest! (Laughing) I guess it wasn't magic after all!
(Mr Butlertron is lying on his back outside)
Mr Butlertron: Or was it?
(His cardigan sparkles, and he floats back onto his wheels)
(Beethoven sits on an outdoor stage. Joan comes onto the stage and everyone gasps)
Joan: Is there a Heather in the crowd? Heather? (A girl in the front row raises her hand) Heather, I have a message for you. Jerome wants you to forgive him for hooking up with Lupé at Trey's party. And God is commanding all of us to give a shout out, to all the locos at the In-N-Out at La Puente! His power is in the mix!
(Her retainer falls out, and a voice comes from it)
Voice: We're 107FM, with a mix of fresh Christian jams, (Joan stares) slam first! (Joan notices a van at the back of the crowd with "FM 107" and "HIS POWER IS IN THE MIX" written on it. The DJ inside the van continues speaking) His power is in the mix. Coming up, we've got a rock crusade! Forty minutes of non-stop Amy Grant!
Joan: (In shock) Okay, okay. I, you know, I gotta take a... okay.
Jesús: (In the audience) I can't believe it, ay. Jermone hooked up with Lupé?
(Gandhi's hand slams some money onto a counter. Everyone screams. Gandhi smirks at Cleo)
Cleo: What the hell are you doing here?
Gandhi: You're selling kisses, I'm buying.
(Abe walks up)
Cleo: Abe, will you form a mob, and get rid of this loser?
Abe: No. But I will INform a mob, with the help of this winner. Tom?
Tom Green: Hi everybody. I'm Ottawa's Tom Green, I live in Hollywood. (They applaud) Thank you. So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for coffee, anyone? Sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a ferris wheel! So I guess what I'm trying to say is, (runs off chasing a plastic bag) plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag, plastic bag.
Abe: Like Mr Green so eloquently said, ADD is not infectious. What is infectious is ignorance. If everyone keeps treating Gandhi like a contagious freak, then this isn't an awareness fair. It's an awareness unfair.
(Raises palms. The mob makes noises of disagreement)
Man: You think I was born yesterday?
Tom Green: Who likes cheese?
(Abe lifts up a five dollar note. The American president featured on the money talks to him)
Lincoln: Aaabe? You know what you have to do.
Abe: You're right.
(Abe pulls Gandhi towards him and open mouthed kisses him for quite some time while everyone else looks shocked. Gandhi pulls away)
Gandhi: Dude! That was not cool! Not cool! And 'cause of that, I am only paying you, four dollars.
Man 2: My discomfort with a man kissing another man is stronger than my hatred for people with ADD!
Paul Revere: Hey, let's all accept Gandhi and shun Abe instead!
All: Yay!
(President Dog barks)
Cleo: Wow, Abe. Your brave, homoerotic gesture has changed my view about ADD. (Abe leans in for a kiss) Just don't touch me.
(Marie lies on the stage in front of the Solid Gandhi Dancers)
Marie: Gandhi? Get on up here and dance!
Gandhi: But I didn't bring my dance skins.
Marie: (Amused) Gandhi!
Gandhi: Okay, you got me!
(He jumps on stage and rips off his clothes, revealing his dance skins underneath)
Joan: Maybe I can help. I think God left one last song in me.
(She parts her lips)
Singer: Ya'll ready for God?
(Dance music. Gandhi dances hyperactively. He points at Abe, who gives a thumbs up, then throws Gandhi his Best Dudes Forever medallion. Gandhi catches it, then sticks it in his nose)
Narrator: Next time, on a very special Clone High. (Joan hugs a roll of film) Will Abe and Joan's student films
(Abe watches a movie happily) reveal their true feelings for one another? (Scudworth runs through his living room
in oven mitts) How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? (A water tower collapses) And what
will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you, but I haven't seen the episode yet. They were supposed to send it to me, but there's
this guy at work who totally hates me. If he gets me fired, I'm gonna kill his dog. (Shot of a live action dog)