(A case of Ed transcript)
(Kevin stands at a window, arms folded, as toilet paper flies into shot a few
times. Ed and Eddy laugh. Eddy is putting rolls of toilet paper into Ed's
mouth, and Ed is launching them. They finish, then laugh some more. Jimmy walks
by as Kevin makes threatening gestures)
EDDY: Kevin looks like he's ready to bust an artery! (Jimmy looks surprised,
and tries to creep away, but he's too late. Eddy grabs him) Have a soda,
Curlylocks, we're celebratin'!(He puts a soda into Jimmy's retainer)
JIMMY: I don't want any part of this, you're in big trouble, Eddy.
EDDY: Old Shovel Chin can't do nothin', (Shot of Kevin angry) he got grounded
today! (laughs) A toast to Shovel Chin! (Chugs his soda)
ED: (Taking the soda attached to Jimmy's retainer)With lots of butter.
(Ed drinks the soda, then throws the bottle away, causing Jimmy to be thrown
against a tree. He squeals. Edd walks past happily, pulling a cart full of
books. He sees Jimmy.)
EDD: A daytime nap can invigorate, but nothing is more gratifying than a good
book, Jimmy.(He puts a book onto Jimmy's legs. Jimmy groans)
EDDY: Quick! Double Dee! You're never gonna believe this. Kevin got-
EDD: Recycled books, Eddy! Look at this profusion of knowledge! The library was
having a sale, how could I resist?(Hugs books) Look at these gems.(He holds
each book up as he says their title, while Ed looks happy and Eddy looks
unimpressed.) Nocturnal burrowing insects!
ED: Cool.
EDD: The enchanted spleen!
ED: Compelling!
EDD: Scores of spores!
ED: I can relate.(Eddy has disappeared)
EDD: One hundred and one Latin party jokes!
ED: Do tell!
(Eddy pulls faces at Kevin, who growls)
EDD: The encyclopedia of obscure diseases? This looks edifying! (reading) The
Lackadaisycathro disease. Uh, listen to this, Ed. Symptoms include; the
rationalising of mundane circumstances, habitual cleanliness, (smile
disappears) and an abnormal fixation to headwear?
ED: That sounds resembling!
EDDY: (jumps)Hm?
ED: Cause, it sounds like, uh...
EDDY: It sounds like Sockhead, Bonehead.
(Ed and Eddy stare at Edd)
EDD: Me? Really? Why that's just plain silly! (nervous giggle) I'll give you
rationalising, but habitual or abnormal fixation? Please.
(EDD sticks his head into the book)
EDDY: (Taking the book)Did you hear what I said? Kevin's stuck in his room!
Grounded, I tell ya!(Points at Kevin's window, but he's not there anymore)
Quick! He's hidin'!
(Ed and Eddy run towards the house, Ed laughing. Edd looks down at the book on
the ground.)
(Eddy stands next to the door, holding up his index finger. He greases it, then
blows on it, making a whistling sound. Then he presses the doorbell. Jaws style
music plays as Kevin pokes his head up from the couch in his living room, and
makes his way towards the front door, while Eddy continues to press the door
bell. Kevin pulls open the door and goes to punch Eddy)
EDDY: Uh, uh, uh. You're not supposed to be outside. You've been grounded.
(Kevin growls again. Eddy laughs as he slams the door)
(The camera switches to inside Kevin's house looking out the window. Eddy runs
back to Edd, who is reading the book again, and taps him on the head. Kevin
walks past, growling. Ed's foot pops up, with only the big toe extended, which
has a face drawn onto it. Kevin looks at it)
ED'S RIGHT FOOT: Hello Kevin. Why are you such a sad sack?
(Ed's other foot pops up, similarly positioned.)
ED'S LEFT FOOT: 'Cause he has been grounded.
(Ed raises the rest of his toes, which also have faces)
ED'S RIGHT FOOT: Oh. Pardon me.
(Switch to outside. Ed is lying on the ground laughing, and Kevin closes the
curtain.)
ED: I should be in show business.
(Ed and Eddy laugh. Back to Edd reading.)
EDD:(worried) Eddy? Do I mumble my words?
EDDY: Huh? You say somethin'? Quit mumblin' and put that book away.
(Edd chokes and covers his mouth)
EDD: Other symptoms include weakness in the lower extremities. (There is a
ringing sound) Huh? (He looks down; it's his knees knocking together) Edddyy?
(Edd stands up again) I think I have Lackadaisycathro disease!
(Edd hyperventilates as he puts an ice pack onto his head, and his fact turns
white. He finds a thermometer in his pocket, and puts it in his mouth, then his
back collapses. While Edd thinks he's ill, he speaks in a weak voice, and his
face stays white and drippy.)
EDDY: Give it up, Double Dee. You're about as sick as Ed is!
(Ed's foot appears behind Eddy)
ED'S LEFT FOOT: Hello, I'm Stinky.
(Ed's other foot appears behind Eddy)
ED'S RIGHT FOOT: And I'm Clammy.
(Ed laughs)
EDDY: But now that you mention it, you do look kind of green around the gills.
(Edd gasps and checks himself)
ED:(hushed) He does? What a pity.(The thermometer falls out of Edd's mouth)
EDD: Oh, I'm so sick!(His back gives out completely and he smashes his face
into the ground) Ohh...
EDDY: (Sniggering) Let me see this thing.(Grabs the book)(Falsly sincere) Yep,
this is you all over, Double Dee.
(Ed and Eddy laugh quietly)
EDDY: It says here,(He grabs Edd by the collar) there's some tests to see how
advanced it is.
EDD: Tests? Of course, tests. Medical science will provide the answer.(Eddy
grins)
(A doctor's bag falls onto a cardboard box with a bang)
(Beep. Ed, who's wearing a doctor's hat and reading the diseases book upside
down, lowers the book and grins)
ED: Paging Doctor Ed! Doctor Ed! (Beep. Ed turns sober)One moment, please. I
will be right with you.(He puts the book back up to his face)
(Edd, in a hospital gown, turns to Eddy, who's dressed in a fishing outfit)
EDD: I'm confused, Eddy. How is Ed qualified in-
EDDY: (Acting shocked) Say it ain't so, Double Dee! Confused? That's a symptom
of that Lackadaisycathro disease! (Screams) (Calmly)I'll be back. Nice shorts,
Romeo.
(EDD looks round and attempts to close the gown at the back. Doctor Ed puts a
stool near Edd)
ED: Please, rest your buttocks.
(Edd sits down and shivers, hugging his knees.)
(Eddy walks up to Kevin's door, holding a fishing rod. He opens the mail slot
and peers inside. Kevin is using a fork to try and pick the lock of a cookie
jar, labeled "NO COOKIE". A fishing hook grabs his shorts. Eddy laughs as he
reels in, getting all of Kevin's clothes.)
KEVIN: Hey!
(Back at Doctor Ed's. Ed holds up an eggbeater.)
ED: Hm.
EDD: An eggbeater, Ed? Is that part of the-(Ed puts the eggbeater into Edd's
mouth, causing him to choke.)
(Ed turns the handle of the eggbeater. Edd's face spins round a few times, and
he moans. Ed removes the eggbeater, now with Edd's tongue wrapped around it,
and sticks it into the ground a few metres away. Ed then lifts up a banana with
a string attached to one end, and puts it into his ear thoughtfully. He holds
up a can, with the other end of the string attached to it, and drops it onto
Edd's tongue.)
EDD: Aggahe.
(Ed removes the can)
ED: Hmm...
(Ed drops the can onto another part of Edd's tongue)
EDD: Wha iss i, e? [What is it, Ed?]
(Ed removes the can again.)
ED: Hmm...
(Ed takes the end of Edd's tongue and starts to pull, making Edd jump.)
EDD: (Surprised) E? [Ed?] (His tongue hits him in the face)
(Ed removes Edd's shoe, as Edd groans. He then eats the shoe.)
ED: Mmm. (Edd shivers) How long have you been a size two?
EDD: (panicked) Size two? (Puts his hands over his head and shivers again) But
I've always worn a size five shoe, Doctor!
EDDY: (Walking up) Sounds like you have a symptom to me. Did Doctor Ed give you
the rubber glove treatment yet?(Laughs wheezily)
EDD: Oh, Eddy. This Lackadaisycathro disease is progressing rapidly. (Choked)
I'm so unwell...
EDDY: Geez Louise! Has anybody tried to kick you yet?
(There is a pause. Eddy listens)
EDD: N-no?
EDDY: (Holding a piece of paper with stickytape on the back) Goood. (Slaps the note
onto Edd's back) 'Cause that's the final symptom. You're in the clear, buddy
boy! (Removes his hand from the note. It reads "kick me".)
EDD: Why. I feel better already. Thank you, Doctor Ed!
(Eddy laughs and kicks Edd into the sky, removing the stool he was sitting on.)
EDDY: (Acting shocked) Oh no, I thought you didn't have that last symptom,
Double Dee! (Grabs Edd by the collar) Ya gotta fight this, man!
(Edd turns to Ed)
EDD: (weakly) Doctor, please do something.
(Eddy kicks Edd again, as Ed looks thoughtful.)
ED: Next!
EDD: Wait! (Grabs Ed by the collar and pulls himself up.) Tell me the truth,
doctor. How long am I for this world?
ED: Um. Till lunch?
(Edd's eyes widen. The camera zooms in on his faces as his pupils dilate and
the background turns blood red. Eddy shoves a pencil and paper into Edd's
vision.)
EDDY: (Desperate) Here, quick, write! Hurry, Double Dee!
(The background goes back to normal, and Edd takes the pencil and paper.)
EDD: A poem on the beauty of life as I know it?
EDDY: (Clasping his hands) No. Your will. (Edd stares at the paper) Leave me
somethin' nice.
(Edd's pupils dilate more, and he shivers.)
ED: Ooh, ooh, and I will take your hat, thank you very much.
(Edd's eyes fill up with tears)
EDD:(dramatic) Oh, Double Dee! I knew thee well!
(Edd throws the pencil and paper onto the ground and runs off, crying loudly.)
(Eddy laughs, but stops when he hears Ed sobbing.)
ED: Poor Double Dee!
(Eddy grabs Ed by the collar)
EDDY: Double Dee ain't really sick, Lummox, remember?
(Ed brightens)
ED: That's some good TV right there.
EDDY: Now, back to our caged rat. (Ed and Eddy look at Kevin, who's cleaning a
window) Hey Jughead, over here! (Bends over and moons Kevin. You only see his
legs.)
ED: (As Kevin turns green with his cheeks bulging out) Whoa, hoho! I am turning
into a werewolf, Eddy!
(Edd pulls his cart, now filled with his belongings, past the mouth of the
alley. He sniffles. There's a shot of his face, then he hears kids yelling)
EDD: My beloved peer group.
(The kids approach Edd, dressed for the beach.)
ROLF: Ed-boy! Why does your face sag lower than Nana's inner thighs? (The other
kids fan out behind him, and Rolf holds out an eggplant.) Come, join us for
beach merriment and eggplant pass the parcel!
EDD: Dear Rolf, always giving... thoughtful...(sobs with his head in his hands.
Rolf looks puzzled.) That's why, (Holds up his microscope) I want you to have,
this.
ROLF: (Grabbing the top, confused.) A peanut smasher?
EDD: Ohhh, Rolf, (Hugging Rolf's legs) you're so uneducated! (sobs)
(Jonny adjusts his sunglasses.)
JONNY: (To Plank) Gloomy Gus is right, buddy.
(Edd looks up.)
EDD: (Wonderingly) Jonny? Is that you? (Pupils dilate) I'd like to bequeath
you, my remote control.(Holds it out to Jonny, who takes it)
JONNY: Far out!
NAZZ: Double Dee, are you, like, going somewhere?
EDD: Nazz, Nazz, Nazz. (Walks over to Nazz) So many things left unsaid.
NAZZ: Really? Like what, Double Dee?
(Edd stares at Nazz, unable to speak. Then he turns away and cries.)
SARAH: What's his problem?
JIMMY: The sickening pang of [Harp de furret?], Sarah.
(Jimmy sees the "kick me" sign on Edd's back and giggles. He kicks Edd, who
gasps as Jimmy giggles again. Edd stares at Jimmy, his pupils dilating once
more.)
EDD: CURSE THIS DREADED LACKADAISYCATHRO DISEASE!(Cries loudly)
(Nazz pulls Jimmy out of the way.)
NAZZ: Dude, looks like someone's playing a joke on you. (Takes the sign off
Edd's back and shows it to him. Edd's eyes widen as he takes it) Don't sweat
it, kay?
(The kids walk off.)
SARAH: What an idiot!
(The colour comes back into Edd's face.)
EDD: (angrily) Ooh, (face goes red) those, those, rapscalions!
(The screen is black, except for Kevin's eyes, which are slanted inward)
KEVIN: Okay. Now I'm mad.
(Outside Kevin's house, which now is covered by a wall of bricks. Ed and Eddy
laugh. After a second, Edd stalks up.)
EDD: (Really mad) ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELVES?
EDDY: Hang on there, Hamlet. (laughs some more, while Edd fumes.)
ED: Too rich, huh Double Dee?
EDD: LISTEN TO ME!
(Ed and Eddy look at Edd.)
EDDY: How can we not?
EDD: (Holds up "kick me" sign) This, (Ed and Eddy's eyes widen) was found on my
body! You had me believe I was expiring! (Glares)
EDDY: Rage. (Laughs nervously, and puts his arm around someone out of shot)
Ain't that a symptom, Doctor Ed?
(Eddy notices that he has his arm around Kevin.)
KEVIN: (menacing) I got out early, for good behavoiur.
EDDY: KEVIN! (Jumps into the air, and lands on his hands and knees) Honest, I
tried to stop'm. (Pulls Ed into shot and hides behind him) But Ed insisted we
bust your chops. He did.
ED: (Pointing) Monster bee!
(Ed and Eddy run away, Ed losing his doctor hat)
KEVIN: Get back here!
(Kevin pants as he chases Eddy and Ed into Eddy's house. As Eddy and Ed speak,
he pulls on the doorknob.)
ED and EDDY: (Dancing) Kevin can't get us, Kevin can't get us!
(Kevin looks in the window and shakes with rage.)
EDDY: Oh no, Ed, I'm so scared!
ED: I'm shakin' like cheese.
(Ed and Eddy laugh and continue their dance)
(Kevin growls.)
(Edd coughs, Kevin looks at him.)
EDD: Oh, look, (Holds up a key with a mirror ball attached to it) Eddy's spare
house key. (Drops the key) Oops! (Turns around) How careless of me! I seem to
have misplaced it!
(Kevin takes the key. Inside, Ed and Eddy are still laughing and dancing, and
don't noticed that Kevin, also laughing, has joined in their dance after two
revolutions. After another three, Eddy sees him and chokes. Ed continues
laughing.)
EDDY: (Scared) No, not the face, Kev!(Kevin dives onto Eddy) Ow!
(Kevin pulls Ed in)
EDD: (Now wearing the Doctor Ed hat) Kevin's Justified Pummel Disorder.
(Opening disease book) Symptoms are; bruising of the eye, followed by a sore
rear end, and the rapid release of hot air from an inflated ego.(Laughs)
(Iris out on Edd)
(
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