(Opening credits)
(Abe and Gandhi walk down a street lined with identical houses)
Abe: Gandhi, this year is going to be different. I'm taller I've got slightly bigger sideburns...
Gandhi: I spent all summer on my high fives and my finger snaps (demonstrates). I finally I have the acceptance I've so craved! (Joan comes up behind them) Joan of Arc! On top! (Holds up his hand)
Joan: Don't touch me, Gandhi. (walks on, leaving Gandhi standing on his own with his hand still raised)
Gandhi: Too slow! (points)
(Abe and Joan walk together)
Abe: Welcome back, Joan.
(Gandhi pops up between them and stares at Joan's breasts)
Gandhi: You got breasts.
Joan: Jeez Abe, you grew like, a foot.
Gandhi: You grew like, a pair of breasts.
Abe: Luckily the extra height doesn't feel that awkward-- (Walks into a low hanging branch and falls down) Dinger! (Joan and Gandhi continue walking, and Abe stands up a few seconds later) I'm up.
Joan: I wish I'd seen you more over the summer but, (rolling her eyes) I was at camp.
Gandhi: Was it breast camp?
Joan: (annoyed) Okay, you get one more.
(The three clones arrive at Clone High and stop to look at it)
Abe: Well, brand new year, same old faces.
(JFK and Julius Caesar stand together. Marilyn Monroe walks past)
Marilyn Monroe: (seductively) Hiya, Kennedy.
JFK: (To Caesar. JFK speaks in a loud monotone) I invaded her Bay of Pigs. If you catch my meaning.
(Elsewhere, the Elvis twins stand together. One of them is overweight and has stubble, the other does not)
Skinny Elvis: Oh yeah. Steamed vegetables. What'd mama make for you?
Fat Elvis: Nine fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and a thermos full of tranquillisers, thankyouverymuch. (Downs the tranquillisers and falls down happily) I have left the building.
Abe: Man, one of the Elvis twins really let himself go.
Joan: (sighs) Hasn't anyone here grown at all? (Gandhi stares at Joan's breasts again. After a second, Joan punches him and he goes down) You were thinkin' it.
Gandhi: (strained) I know.
(Students walk through the hallways of the school. Abe and Joan are soon visible)
Joan: You know Abe, I've been thinking, I'm gonna date a lot more this year.
(Cleopatra walks past on her way to her locker. She opens it as Abe and Joan look at her)
Abe: Uh-huh, yeah, I wanna date Cleopatra. She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance... (Cleo closes her locker) I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.
Joan: You don't think dating an old friend would be better? (sounding steadily more pathetic) You know, maybe someone that... you know, you take for granted...
Abe: Nah, I like Cleo.
Joan: But Abe, think about it. Like an old friend, you know--
Abe: Nope. Cleo. Only Cleo.
(Joan backs away as Cleo comes up behind Abe)
Cleo: Hi Abe. (Abe stands there opened mouthed) Are those longer sideburns?
(Abe turns to look at Cleo and attempts to speak, but it comes out breathy and unintelligible. Then he grins. He learns against a nearby trophy cabinet, and his hand goes through the glass, knocking down the trophies. A drop of his blood falls onto the floor)
Joan: Abe. I think you're bleeding.
Abe: (strained) Not. Now.
Joan: Fine. (walks away) I'll go wait for you by the gauze.
Gandhi: (offscreen) Cleopatra, comin' at ya! (Runs into frame and holds up his hand) Yow!
Cleo: Do I know you?
Gandhi: Gandhi. We had every class together last year? (no response) I gave you one of my kidneys? (Lifts up his shirt. The scene changes to inside his body. He has only one kidney)
Gandhi's remaining kidney: I miss him.
Gandhi: (dismayed) I was your foster brother for ten years until you convinced our parents I wasn't good enough for your image and you had me transferred to another home?
Cleo: Benji?
Gandhi: Gandhi.
Cleo: (falsely sincere) Oh, that's so great for you. Anyway, Abe, (Abe hasn't moved) JFK's having a party Friday. I hope I see you there. (walks away. As soon as she's gone, Abe regains his powers of speech)
Abe: Hey, Cleo. Why yes, these are longer sideburns.
(A classroom. Mr Sheepman is only seen from behind)
Mr Sheepman: The first day of school's always awkward, and just to let you know, I can relate. You see I'm not just your kindly history teacher, (Is fully visible. He looks something like an anthropomorphic sheep) I'm also the... first mostly human clone. Spliced in a little sheep DNA. (embarrassed) Which is fine, with me.
Abe: You can't even tell, Mr Sheepman.
(Mr Sheepman takes a bite out of his desk)
Mr Sheepman: Thank you! Before you leave, we have an announcement from Miss Of Arc.
(Joan comes to the front of the class and recalls what Abe said earlier)
Abe: I admire her commitment to community service.
Joan: Now, I know I don't have to tell you how committed I am to community service. (The students stare at her) That's why I'm starting a teen crisis hot line, and I'm looking for volunteers. (Before she can finish the last word, everyone gasps and runs away)
(Gandhi has his leg halfway out a window)
Abe: Dude, that's a three story drop!
Gandhi: I don't care, I'm goin' for it. (Jumps out the window and takes a second or two to land) Oh my god, I can see my bone!
(Scudworth's door, which soon fades into a picture of Abe and Joan seen through a periscope, then Scudworth using the periscope)
Scudworth: Oh young, unsuspecting clones. Little do they know, (gleeful) I control them! (Lets go of the periscope. He is wearing a paper hat) The greatest minds the world has ever known! (crazily) For what, is more powerful, than a high school PRINCIPAL!! (He lifts his arms in a cackling pose as the last word echoes)
Shadowy Figure: (offscreen. He speaks briskly) Doctor Scudworth. (Scudworth squeaks and freezes. The Shadowy Figure comes through the door) Sorry to disturb you, but there's growing concern among the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures that you may be... (in casual tone) completely insane.
Scudworth: (gripping his desk) BLASPHEMY! (opens a drawer, takes off his paper hat, and puts it in among a lot of others)
Shadowy Figure: Yeah, well, you do have a robot butler named Mr Butlertron.
Mr Butlertron: (coming in with a tray. He has a standard robotic voice that usually lowers in pitch at the end of a setence) Anyone for scones?
Scudworth: (taking one) Why, creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you're wearing.
(The Shadowy Figure looks down, then rolls his eyes. He isn't wearing a tie. Mr Butlertron offers him the tray)
Mr Butlertron: Coffee, Wesley?
Scudworth: He calls everyone Wesley. (Clasps hands affectionately) Don't know why.
Shadowy Figure: Yeah, that's fascinating. But we're paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible, so if you want to keep your job, you can either write a report proving you know what it's like to be a student at Clone High,
Scudworth: I'll do no such thing!
Shadowy Figure: Or I'm to kill you.
Scudworth: (Starts typing) I'll title it, "What's It's Like To Be A Teenage Clone" colon, (presses the colon button and poses) "A Rope Of Sand".
Mr Butlertron: Good title. It draws the reader in without giving too much away... Wesley.
(Abe washes his hands in the bathroom. JFK approaches, pointing his finger menacingly)
JFK: Lincoln! I got dibs on that Cleopatra broad, so back off! She's numbers one and two, on my list, of 150 women to bang this year! (Glares at Abe. Gandhi runs in)
Gandhi: What cha doing in here, buddy, making a... Lincoln log? (slaps Abe on the back and yells. JFK winces) What's up, Fitzy baby, party at your place on Friday, right? Rocking!
Abe: Yeah, pysched for the rager, j-JFK. Dawg.
JFK: I will see you there. And by will, I mean won't! (He walks out laughing, then comes back in) 'Cause you're not invited. I, uh, wasn't sure if I was clear earlier. So, uh, you're not. Invited, that is. (He leaves and comes back in again) To my party! (He closes, and immediately opens the door) Forgot to wash my hands! (Washes his hands)
(Establishing shot: The Grassy Knoll Diner. The flag outside is always at half mast. Cleo and JFK share a milkshake in one booth, and Abe, Joan and Gandhi sit in another. Booth, that is. I wasn't sure if I was clear earlier)
Abe: We've gotta get to that party.
Gandhi: Dude, we're never going to get invited, sitting here, surrounded by geeks.
Joan: (controlled) They're not geeks, Gandhi. They're just delightfully eccentric.
(George Washington Carver pops up from the booth next to them)
Carver: Hello, cohorts. It is I, George Washington Carver. (Holds up a jar with a peanut) And I spent my summer bioengineering this anthropomorphic peanut.
Peanie: Hi ho, guv'ner. I'd shake your hands, but you know. (waves his arms) Peanut arms!
(Carver grins at them)
Joan: All right, they're geeks, but we have better things to do than worry about who or what we're seen with.
Abe: (Standing up) No, Gandhi's right. This isn't about who we hang out with. This is about not having to put your hand on your own buttock and pretend it's a woman's breast. (Joan and Gandhi look at each other) All I'm sayin' is, a girl is interested in me, and I'm not going to ignore it.
Joan: (Also standing up) Abe, I want you.
Abe: (subdued) You want me to what?
Joan: Um, um.
Abe: (subdued) Forget what you were going to say? Happens to me all the time. (loud) Well! I'm off! (He turns to go, and Gandhi stands in his path and looks at him. Obviously he understood what Joan was trying to say) What?
Abe: (Approaching JFK and Cleo's booth) Kennedy, I have a proposition for you.
JFK: (Poking Abe in the chest) Mark my words, Lincoln, you and your friends are uh, not coming to that party!
Abe: I'll get the beer.
JFK: Be there at eight!
(He and Cleo walk away. Gandhi runs up)
Gandhi: (pumping his arms) SHAZAAM! We're in! Any ideas on how to get the beer?
Abe: Nope.
(Ghandi lowers his arms)
(Gym class)
Elanor Roosevelt: (An old woman) It's time for the presidential fitness test! Where we make you even more insecure about your bodies, by checking you while you perform arbitrary physical tasks!
Abe: I can't believe we got Elanor Roosevelt as a gym teacher.
Joan: (distracted) Yeah, he's great. You know Abe, tonight I finally have a night off from the hotline? Which is, community service. So I was thinking we could like, you know, carpool to JFK's party, you know, save gas...
(Elanor Roosevelt suddenly leans into frame angrily)
Elanor Roosevelt: Like talkin', Of Arc? Well, you can talk your tight little buns into principal Scudworth's office! (Joan walks off) Slowly... (Stares at Joan, who's offscreen) Oh yeah.
(Cleo approaches Abe, who chokes again)
Cleo: (seductively) Hey, stud. I'm so glad you're getting the beer tonight. I just love underage drinking.
Abe: (strained) I know? (Cleo leaves) Okay, how the hell am I gonna get that beer?
Gandhi: Easy. Tell them they heard you wrong. What you said was "I'll get the beards".
Abe: That makes no sense.
Gandhi: Yeah, but if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party.
(Gandhi fantasises about a party in which everyone is wearing beards)
Guy: This is the best party ever, thanks Gandhi!
(Gandhi, who is with a bearded girl in a bikini, gives a thumbs up. Back in reality, Gandhi grins and Abe glares)
(Abe and Genghis Khan outside the International House of Beer. The entire sequence has the sound of a ticking clock in the background)
Abe: Okay, Ghengis Khan. If the clerk asks if you're over twenty-one, say yes, got it?
(Genghis nods. The next scene is inside)
Clerk: You over twenty-one?
(Genghis says nothing. The next scene is at the Gas n Save n Guzzle n Such)
Abe: Okay. He used a very tricky line of questioning. Let's practice again. Are you over twenty-one?
Genghis: (nods) Yes.
(Inside the petrol station)
Another clerk: You over twenty-one?
Genghis: No.
(In another place that sells beer, Genghis Khan has a sign on him reading "I AM 21". Abe and Gandhi are standing behind him)
Third clerk: So I guess you're twenty-one.
Genghis: I am twenty-one. (He walks away with a huge keg of beer, then comes back) I'm not twenty-one!
(Establishing shot: Scudworth's door. Joan is tied to a chair in front of his desk)
Scudworth: Miss Of Arc! I'll overlook your little gym class disruption if you'll help me with a report I'm writing. Tell me your likes and dislikes!
Joan: (annoyed) Well... I dislike being tied to a chair.
Scudworth: Good! (Types) I'll use a big font, futz with the margins... and I'll be home in time for Jay Leeno!
Joan: (sniggers) You would like Leno.
Scudworth: (stands and points) How dare you insult that big chinned everyman and his various African-American bandleaders! Perhaps you'll learn some respect spending the rest of the afternoon in my DEATH MAZE!
(He presses a button and laughs crazily as Joan is sucked up into a tube)
Scudworth: Oh, this is useless. I need to observe the teenagers in their element. I will be Diane Fossy, and they the gorillas. (dramatic) But where, can I find, the mist?
(The PA crackles)
JFK: (Over PA) Attention students. JFK will be having a huge kegger night. STUDENTS ONLY! (quickly) That is all.
(Scudworth raises an eyebrow)
(In a classroom, Mr Sheepman and Gandhi are sitting at a table labeled "TEEN CRISIS HOTLINE". Mr Sheepman is on the phone, and Gandhi has his feet on the table)
Mr Sheepman: You seem to have this compulsion to "nail" Cleo. Whaddaya think drives this desire to act overly macho?
(JFK is on the other side of the phone)
JFK: Well uh, it's my foster parents. You uh, know that show "My Two Dads"? It's uh, like that but more gay!
(Pan to JFK's gay foster dads, Wally and Carl)
Wally: Mm, look how nice he looks in the dockers we bought him.
JFK: Daaaad!
Carl: (annoyed) What, you're too good to be gay like your old man?!
Wally: Carl, it is not his fault. Baby was born that way.
(Back in the classroom, Joan falls from the roof)
Gandhi: Death maze, huh?
Mr Sheepman: Oh, I was in the maze once. It was hot. You know, I'm hot now. I think I'll take my shirt off. (He grabs a razor and shears off the wool on his stomach. Joan and Gandhi stare at him) Ah! Ready for the weekend!
Joan: Gandhi, I think it's really big of you to skip the party and work the hotline tonight.
(Gandhi is halfway out the window)
Gandhi: Uh, of course. (sadly) Sure, I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi and became a non stop... party machine, but damnit, I still care. (He lifts up his palms and dilates his pupils to show sincerity) So... Joan? You can count on me.
(Cut to the party. Gandhi is on his phone and yelling to be heard over the music)
Gandhi: Uh no, no, I'm not at a party, we're just really busy here at the teen hotline! (He yells as a couple of girls walk past.) Susie, Kelly, do me a favour and make out! (He laughs, then puts the phone back to his ear) So, you're depressed.
(Abe arrives)
Abe: Hey everybody, it's me, Abe!
(A group of students respond unenthusiastically)
Abe: Hey everybody, it's a keg of beer!
Group of Students: (Happily) Abe!
(Abe and Gandhi stand on a balcony with some beers)
Abe: Hey, I thought you had to work the hotline tonight.
Gandhi: No man, I just forwarded the calls to my cell phone! (Speaks into it) Look, I'll talk to you when you can stop crying. (hangs up and drinks the beer)
Abe: You're not afraid of Joan catching and ultimately killing you?
Gandhi: (drops the beer and speaks sarcastically) Oh, uh, I'm scared. Well I think I'll just jump of this balcony in case
she-- (sees something inside) Oh my God! (He jumps off the balcony)
(Joan comes out)
Joan: Well congratulations, Abe. The people were clamouring to make asses of themselves, and you gave them the means to do it.
(Julius Caesar, Nostradamus, Genghis Khan and someone else drink beer)
Abe: Not exactly. I... uh, I could only get non-alcoholic beer. (Joan looks at him) They're going to be able to tell.
(Julius Caesar, Nostradamus, Genghis Khan and someone else are naked)
Nostradamus: I'm a pony.
Joan: You'll be fine.
Abe: Joan, do you ever like someone so much you're afraid you're gonna blurt out something stupid?
Joan: I have a rash on my back.
(The shadows of Scudworth and Mr Butlertron are seen on JFK's front door)
Mr Butlertron: Are you sure this is the best way to do research? Won't they be able to tell we're not students?
Scudworth: You underestimate me, my metal friend. (They go inside. Scudworth is wearing a backwards baseball cap, a shirt and baggy pants and Mr B is more or less the same) Whassup, fellow students? (raising his hands) Raise the roof! Raise it!
(The students stare at him. Scudworth kicks Mr Butlertron without looking at him)
Mr Butlertron: (raising his pincers) Where are my bitches?
(Vincent Van Gough is in his room on the phone)
Van Gough: Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry.
Gandhi: (Holding back laughter) I'm sorry uh, Van Gough, could you speak up?
(Gandhi is holding the phone up and a bunch of students are listening)
Van Gough: The only way I can... cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how... lonely I truely am.
Gandhi: (sniggering) He's sad.
(Everyone laughs)
Some Guy: Hilarious!
Van Gough: Hey. Am I on speakerphone?
Gandhi: (To the party in general) Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone?
Clones: No!
(Van Gough is annoyed)
Van Gough: Jesus Gandhi, how could you?
Gandhi: Hey man, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy. (closes the phone) Whew. Feels good to help people.
(Joan sits on a swing all alone. Mr Butlertron approaches her)
Mr Butlertron: Want to talk about it?
Joan: You wouldn't understand.
Mr Butlertron: Maybe you should tell Abe how you really feeeeeeel.
(Joan looks up)
Joan: What good would that do? (Looks down again)
Mr Butlertron: Maybe he just thinks you don't think he doesn't want to not ruin the friendship.
Joan: You make it sound so simple. (cheering up) Maybe one of us just needs to make the first move.
Mr Butlertron: Maybe that one of us... is yoouu.
(Joan hugs him)
Joan: Thanks, Mr B. (Mr B's antenna goes up) I love you.
Mr Butlertron: Don't mention it... Wesley.
(Cleo has her arm around Abe)
Cleo: You know Abe, maybe it's the beer talking. (drinks beer)
Abe: I doubt it.
Cleo: It's just... I always saw you as this honest guy, but now I'm seeing you as a cool guy who just happens to be honest. Doesn't that blow your mind?
Abe: That's me. Cool, honest Abe.
Cleo: (Pulls Abe towards her so that their noses are touching) Oh, Abe. It's like there's a tin can phone from your brain to my heart.
(Joan walks back to the party purposefully. Cleo and Abe lean in close to each other. Joan gasps. Abe and Cleo kiss messily. The camera pans up to an above ground swimming pool, where Gandhi is standing on a boat and posing.)
JFK: (randomly popping out of the boat with a girl) That no good cheating tramp! (To Gandhi) Hey, get off my dinghy! (The girl he is with stands up) Not you. (Walks up to Abe and Cleo) What do you think you are uh, doing?
Abe: Look Kennedy, we kissed. And I don't wanna exaggerate the importance of it, but (menacing) we're gonna be together forever.
JFK: Come on, she's drunk! She also kissed the talking peanut!
Peanie: Right here on me left nut! (points)
JFK: So uh, who's it gonna be?
Abe: Cleo, I care about you. And every moment we spend together makes me want to know you more.
JFK: (lifts up his shirt) My abs are so firm you can grate cheese on 'em!
Cleo: It's so hard to choose. (puts a hand to her forehead) I need some time to be alone! (runs away. Abe and JFK glare at each other)
JFK: (taking some nachos and offering them to Abe) Nacho?
(Gandhi sits on the keg of beer and Joan watches him)
Gandhi: (on the phone) Oh man, that does suck. (Amused) If that were me, I would totally kill myself. Hello? (Shrugs, hangs up, and squirts some beer into his mouth. Then he notices Joan) Hey Joan, cool stun gun! (Joan zaps him with the stun gun) Wait, I can-- (Joan zaps him again) Ow! I'm forwarding-- (and again) Oo! Egg whites only. (Falls down, dropping the phone. Joan grabs it)
Joan: (Into phone) Teen Crisis Hotline, we're here because we care. (Zaps Gandhi again)
(A blindfolded Genghis Khan hits Scudworth, who's tied up and hanging from the roof like a pinata)
Scudworth: Not a pinata! It's me! Your memorable school chum, Cloney McStudent!
Genghis: Pinata! (Whacks Scudworth again)
(Joan is still on the phone)
Joan: Uh-huh. Well, choosing between a jerk who's good for your image and a nice sensitive guy is not really much of a problem... (She looks in a window and notices that it's Cleopatra she's on the phone to)
Cleo: What should I do?
(Joan gasps)
Joan: (panicked) Go for the jerk! Ooh, and sleep with him right away, it's never too early for your first time. Oh and also, don't floss your teeth.
Cleo: (writing) Hmm. You do have to make sacrifices to be the best.
(Joan looks over at Abe, who is sitting on the ladder to the pool looking depressed. She sighs)
Joan: (under her breath) Dammit. (aloud, reluctantly) You know what? Go with the nicer guy. (Goes to hang up, then remembers something) And, flossing keeps gums healthy and removes plaque from hard to brush areas.
(Joan hangs up and Gandhi comes out from behind the keg)
Gandhi: (Points at Joan) Whew! Did you just screw yourself! Whoa! (Joan takes his belt) You know, even if these pants do fall off, I'm still wearing boxers. (Joan holds out some boxers. Gandhi's pants fall off. He looks down) Ah, good thing there was no one around to see that.
(Gandhi walks off and the camera pans to a pair of eyes in the bushes. It's Vincent Van Gough)
Van Gough: (sinister) Oh yes. No one indeed.
(Cleo stands between JFK and Abe)
Cleo: After consulting, a random person on the telephone, I've come to a decision. (points at Abe) I choose you.
JFK: (frustrated) Oh! Dammit. (He leaves)
Cleo: Abe.
(Abe falls between the rungs of the ladder)
Abe: (squeaky) Happy.
(Shot of George Washington Carver with Peanie on his shoulder)
Peanie: Sorry my dear boy, salty seconds! (laughs)
(JFK offers a beer to Joan)
JFK: Wanna beer?
Joan: Sure. Maybe pretending to be drunk will ease the pain. (They drink)
JFK: So uh, are you uh, drunk enough yet to sleep with me? (Joan doesn't react for a second, then she kicks him in the head and he goes down) Bobby! (After another second, JFK sits up) Answer the question!
(A police car shows up and the clones run around in panic. Cleo pulls Abe into the bushes)
Abe: Dinger!
(The sheriff gets out of the car)
Sheriff: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend. Underage drinking. So we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal? (He pours a cup of beer onto the ground. Gandhi pops in from the top of the frame and lands on the car)
Gandhi: (Drunkenly) Underage drinking? Shame on all of you! Shaaame! (Points at Sheriff) Back to you, Kojack.
Sheriff: (grabbing Gandhi) This kid's not sober, is he? (Points) And none of you are twenty-one, are you? (Holds up a pot sticker) And these pot stickers aren't made with real crab, are they? (Takes a bite) I stand corrected. (To Joan) You! You're holding a beer, get in. Get in! (Joan gets in) Well that's two, which is all we can fit in the squad car. The rest of you are free to go.
Cleo: (With her arm in Abe's) Come on Abe. Leave your friends behind, and come back to my soundproofed basement.
(Joan looks at Abe from the police car. Cleo leads Abe away and the sheriff carries Gandhi into the car. Abe pulls out of Cleo's grip and steps over the hedge separating them from the road)
Abe: Let. Them. Go.
Sheriff: Son. If we don't enforce the drinking age, then the excitement of sneaking around to get wasted might disappear forever. Do you want that on your shoulders, pal?
Abe: (reluctant) It's... non alcoholic beer.
(The partygoers gasp)
Gandhi: (points) I knew it!
Abe: I guess I was just looking for what all of us are. (Looks at Cleo and JFK) Acceptance.
Sheriff: (fake coughs) Loser!
(The others laugh at Abe. Abe looks down.)
JFK: (laughing) He coughed!
Sheriff: (High fiving an associate) I am so funny. (Laughs)
(Clone high, the next day. A heavily injured Scudworth kicks open the door of his office with the leg that isn't in a cast. He turns on the light)
Shadowy Figure: (offscreen) Where's my report?
(Scudworth yells in surprise and jumps backwards. Mr B catches him)
Scudworth: Shadowy Figure! It's actually a funny story. I was working on it, and I tried to email it to myself, but then my roommate--
Shadowy Figure: That is a funny story. Mr Butlertron. Lower the shades and lay down a tarp. (Mr Butlertron goes to comply)
Scudworth: Okay! I spent an entire weekend among the teenagers! I was humiliated, degraded, judged. (rocks in the fetal position) I felt so alone. (Stops rocking and looks at the Shadowy Figure. He's gone) Where'd he go?
Mr Butlertron: I guess you proved to him you understand what it feels like to be a teenager... and a pinata.
Scudworth: (Coming out of his office) Well from now on, I'll be more sensitive to the awkwardness and the emotional insecurity of today's youth! (slamming a locker door on a boy's head) Out of my way, fatty! (To a girl) You too, bad skin. (The girl sobs)
(Abe, Gandhi and Joan walk to school)
Abe: Well, I'm not gonna let this get me down. (He is knocked down by the same tree branch as before) Dinger! (He stands up) I'm up!
Gandhi: Look, right now you're a loser, a big one, but soon someone else will make an even bigger ass of themselves, and everyone else will forget about what a big big big big loser you are.
(He hears laughter and sees a mural, which everyone is pointing and laughing at. It's Van Gough's Starry Night painting, with words up the top reading "TEEN CRISIS HOTLINE", naked Gandhi, and a speech bubble reading "NO PROBLEM TOO SMALL!" Van Gough stands at the bottom sniggering. Joan waves)
Joan: Thanks, Van Gough.
Gandhi: I hate this school.
(Cleo and JFK walk past together. Cleo puts a note into Abe's hand, which he looks at, then watches them pass. Cleo looks back. The note reads "SORRY... LUV CLEO")
Narrator: Next week, on a very special Clone High: (Shots of Abe and JFK at podiums) Abe's competition with JFK heats up at the school election. (Gandhi has a saucepan on his head, which he hits with a spoon) Gandhi provides some sort of comic relief. (Shot of Marilyn Manson) And special guest star Marilyn Manson makes a shocking confession.
Marilyn Manson: My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'll see you next time, at Clone High.