(Opening credits)
(All the students are attending an event on the school grounds. Cleopatra is giving a speech standing next to JFK. He's holding giant gold scissors)
Cleo: All students are special at Clone High, but only some students are ostracised because they are special. That is why it is my great pleasure, as president of the student body, (gestures to a caravan on a raised platform, surrounded by barbed wire and a moat) to officially dedicate this impassable moat protecting us from the Special Ed classroom.
(The clones applaud)
Joan: I'm surprised Cleopatra didn't fill the moat with acid.
Abe: Actually, Cleo says it would kill the piranhas.
Gandhi: Joan of Arc, don't think about the moat in terms of its devisive ignorance, think of it as an opportunity for building community. (Yells) Hey, community! Skinny dipping in the piranha moat! Yow! (Takes off his clothes) Everybody get naked! (Runs offscreen) Woo! (Splash)
Cleo: Finally, I won't be running for re-election this year. (Starting to cry) This is probably the last time I'll ever use these oversized novelty scissors, unless... (Swallows) a giant needs a haircut! (Running away) Oh god!
Abe: (To Joan) I've gotta go console her. (Starts to follow)
Joan: Abe Lincoln, don't! She's just trying to get attention and you're falling for it! (Abe leaves the frame) Ugh, it makes me so mad I could kiss you!
Abe: (Leaning back into shot) What was that last part?
(Joan is startled)
Joan: I'm sorry, what? No, I I said, I I I cou-- I could piss... glue... As in uh, "Oh, I'm so angry I I could piss glue".
Abe: I've never heard of that.
Joan: It's a very common expression.
Abe: Huh. Well, see ya. (He leaves)
(Gandhi walks up, covered in piranhas)
Gandhi: Stupid, Joan. Real stupid. (One of the piranhas falls off)
(Cleo looks in her locker while JFK stands nearby)
Cleo: (close to tears) Oh. Oh, JFK. I can't bear to talk about it.
JFK: Thank god, because I hate it when--
Cleo: It all started freshman year, I was... (JFK looks at his watch) elected president. But now... (Closes her locker) Oh, JFK.
JFK: (patting Cleo on the shoulder) There, there.
Cleo: It's term limits, Jack. Dirty, dirty term limits. (Looks around and speaks normally) My only hope is that someone, and I have no idea who, could run, win, abolish term limits, resign, and endorse me as his replacement. (dramatic) But who? Who?
JFK: Huh?
Cleo: Oh, thank you JFK. Thank you, For your courage.
JFK: Can we make out now?
Cleo: (whispers) Totally (Cries a single tear)
(They French kiss. Abe walks round the corner)
Abe: Hey Cleo. (Sees them) Oh.
(In Scudworth's office, Scudworth speaks to the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures while Mr Butlertron adjusts the Cloney Island model)
Scudworth: Your secret army of cloned historical figures is maturing according to schedule. (A billboard is visible behind him)
Shadowy Figure: I'm sorry, Scudworth, is that a scale model behind you labelled "Dr Scudworth's Evil Plan"?
(Scudworth looks around. It is)
Scudworth: Saaay. Where'd you get those fresh Pumas, bro?
Shadowy Figure: Actually, we're sponsored by Puma. (All the shadowy figures are wearing Puma footwear) These bad boys are catalogue only.
Scudworth: If you're implying that I intend to steal the clones away from you, and use them in an expensive clone themed amusement park, then shame on you! (smiles) By the by, could I have two million dollars? (The Shadowy Figure says nothing. Scudworth laughs) You know, for dry erase markers and such! They've got some keen new colours, and kiwi, and... mango...
Shadowy Figure: For giggles, I'm going to keep saying no until you turn the TV off. No no no no no no nono no.
(Scudworth turns the TV off and walks over to the Cloney Island model. He sighs and fiddles with it)
Mr Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a coperate sponsor. Those Pumas were rather freeesh.
Scudworth: Sell out? And turn the school into an ad for some profit-hungry corporation? Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas. (Smirks at the camera)
(The Grassy Knoll. Joan is sitting with Abe)
Joan: I can't believe that JFK is running unopposed. I mean, you'd think with a school full of world leaders, someone would be into student government.
(George Washington and Winston Churchill walk past)
Abe: Well, I'm a genetic dupilcate of Abe Lincoln. I'm not fit to be president. If I only knew what fears and insecurities were holding me back.
(Ae slurps his drink. They are sitting in front of a graphic painting of the original Lincoln getting assassinated)
Joan: Abe, you should run. I mean together, we'll fight for things that really matter, (clenches fist) like new bishops for the chess club!
Abe: So what you're saying is, if I run for president, I can get Cleo to like me. That's why she likes JFK, because he's a natural leader. Great idea, Joan. (Joan growls in frustration and knocks their drinks off the table. Abe glares at her) Clumsy, Joan. Reeaally clumsy.
(Scudworth's office)
Scudworth: So your product is called...
X-Stream Mike: X-STREAM BLU!
X-Stream Erin: (Jumps onto a Scudworth's desk and shows him a bottle of X-Stream Blu) IT'S A POWER SNACK! STICK IT IN YOUR FACE HOLE!
Scudworth: Is it something you eat?
X-Stream Mike: (aside) It's really just pancake batter mixed with blue house paint in a blue sports bottle. (normal) SICK! TIGHT! CYBER AWESOME!
Scudworth: I see. Now, for allowing you to test market this X-Stream Blu on my students, I am willing to be paid two million dollars.
X-Stream Mike: Allow me to confer with my associates. (They confer to screaming guitar music) TO THE MAX!
X-Stream Erin: (something)
X-Stream Bob: I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM!
X-Stream Mike: We accept your offer. (Drops a bag of money onto Scudworth's desk)
Scudworth: (gasps) Dead presidents, Mr B!
(The sign outside Clone High reads "CANDIDATE SPEECHES TODAY". JFK is giving a speech at a podium. The crowd is cheering him)
JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you! Ask what you can do to your student body president's body!
(The crowd cheers some more. Abe, Gandhi and Joan are waiting nearby)
Joan: Abe, there's nothing to worry about. He's making empty promises and detailing his workout routine.
JFK: And on Fridays, I do abs and legs, but not calves! As you recall, I do those, with my lats, on Wednesdays! (pumps his arms. The crowd cheers louder) Thank you!
(Abe goes up to do his speech)
Joan: Good luck.
(JFK and Cleo hold hands, wave, and leave the stage. Abe stands on the podium and stares at the audience. The crowd quietens down)
Abe: My name is Abraham Lincoln, and I'm running for student body president! (pumps fist)
(There is a long silence)
Girl: I love you, JFK!
(More silence)
Abe: We've got a lot of, uh, tough issues facing us right now... such as... (slowly gaining confidence) adding a second session of AP Calculus for those who have a conflicting class with AP Physics! (Three nerds, one of whom is an albino, stand up and clap) But, first and foremost, we must get tinted windows for the albino wing! (The albino kid remains standing, the other two sit down)
Albino: Woo!
(Joan and Gandhi stare)
Scudworth: Okay, you're done. (Abe walks off) Young men and women, please give it up, for the X-Stream Blu, Mega Crew!
(The curtains are pulled back, revealing a blue structure with a ramp and the words "X-Stream Blu". Two guys in X-Stream Blu outfits skate down the ramp as the crowd cheers)
Tyler: Hey everyone, I'm Tyler, that's Paco, and we want you to get up out of your seats and clap your hands to the beat! (The two guys start clapping, and most the students join in. Gandhi claps his hands while Abe and Joan just stare) 'Cause we're here to tell ya about X-Stream Blu! A new, wicked food product that lives where X-Stream meets Blu!
Paco: It comes in a totally sick wide mouthed squeeze bottle! (He squeezes some out into his mouth) EMAIL!
Gandhi: That looks so good! What's in it?
Tyler: Great question! (Pulls a smoke bomb off his sash and throws it at Gandhi) Have a t-shirt!
(An X-Stream Blu t-shirt appears on Gandhi, which he wears for the rest of the episode)
Gandhi: That totally answers my question! (Dances)
Abe: Man, the audience was not havin' that. Huh guys?
Joan: Uh, Abe?
Abe: Just give me a few more minutes of denial.
(Exterior shot of Abe's house. There is a rhythmic thumping noise. Inside, a couple of portraits of the original Abraham Lincoln shake. Then the source of the thumping is revealed to be Abe banging his head on the door of his room while Joan watches. The walls of his room are covered in portraits of his clonefather)
Joan: Abe, Abe! (Abe stops banging his head) Your speech wasn't that bad! O-okay, maybe the encore, (Abe starts again) not the best idea idea, but the speech itself--
(Gandhi comes in. He is still wearing the X-Stream Blu t-shirt)
Gandhi: Whew! What stinks in here, man? Oh yeah, it's your campaign. (He jumps onto a chest of drawers) You died out there. I mean, that assembly was like (gestures) this boom this! You're the boom.
(Abe resumes his head banging)
Abe: No matter how hard I try to live up to the real Abe Lincoln, I always fail!
(Gandhi either levitates to Abe's height or sits on the doorknob)
Gandhi: (Patting Abe on the head) Hey, don't worry man, your problems are answered. See, I met these really cool guys after the assembly that will so get you. Guys, come on in here, man!
(The X-Stream Blu team ride in on scooters)
X-Stream Mike: X-STREAM BLU IN THE HIZZOUSE!
Gandhi: FLIP A NOLLIE AND TURN IT UP!
X-Stream Erin: LINCOLN AND X-STREAM BLU WILL LITERALLY CRUNCH THE GOOGLY TO THE MAX!
X-Stream team and Gandhi: (In formation) HOT SAUCE!
Gandhi: See, they wanna sponsor your campaign. And all you gotta do, is abandon your values, and promote their product by doing some dangerous extreme sports related stunts!
X-Stream Erin: (Leaning into frame holding a pen and paper) JUST SIGN THIS LEGIT-ASS CONTRACT!
X-Stream Mike: (Popping up behind her) AND TOTALLY INITIAL ARTICLE SEVEN!
X-Stream Bob: (Popping up behind them) MY SON WON'T EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYE ANYMORE!
(Abe takes the pen)
Joan: W-w-wait. What about the issues, Abe? What about... the carpet in the library?
Gandhi: (sarcastic) Ooh, Abe's big choice. Ooh, I wonder what it will be? I'm so worried. (fake shivers)
(An television advertisement. The camera lingers on a sign reading "MT EVEREST SUMMIT" with another sign hanging off it reading "BIG RACE TODAY". Then it pans up to three girls in bikinis and snow boots sitting on the summit of the mountain. Abe, in mountain climbing gear, climbs up a rope lower down. He stops and wipes his forehead)
Abe: I'll never make it.
(A live action X-Stream Blu bottle named Blushi appears out of nowhere)
Blushi: Maybe I can help, slice dawg!
Abe: Blushi! But I'm not match for that gang of snow sharks!
(Sharks on snowmobiles come up the mountain rapidly)
Blushi: Don't worry, bro! Blushi gonna stream it hardcore!
(It squirts some X-Stream Blu at the slope)
Abe: No way!
(The bottle has turned into a surf board, which is riding a wave)
Blushi: Hop on, it's [pram sports you]!
(The wave of X-Stream Blu runs over the snow sharks, knocking them down the mountain. Then they randomly explode. Abe, the girls and Blushee sit at the top of the mountain drinking X-Stream Blu)
Blushi: Hey! Let's go surf the internet!
Abe: But what should we do with all this X-Stream Blu?
Abe and Blushi: (The words come up on the screen as they say them) Spray it in your face and slam it!
(It cuts to a black screen with the words "ABE LINCOLN FOR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT")
Man: Abe Lincoln, for student body president.
(The TV turns off. Abe and Joan were watching the ad in the library)
Abe: Do you think it's too much?
(Joan opens her mouth to speak)
Gandhi: (walking in) Abe, I just polled everyone in the girl's bathroom. You're ahead!
Abe: (facepalming) I knew the polls-- did you say I was winning?!
Gandhi: Straight up, man. Numbers don't lie.
An Anthropomorphic Number Four: (walking past) I'm the number five!
(Abe, Joan and Gandhi stare at it. It walks past a crying Cleo)
Abe: (standing up and taking her hands) Cleo! Why are you crying?
Cleo: I just... (sobs) don't think... (sobs) things are going to work out with JFK.
(Abe pumps his fist in the air and mouths the word "wow" as Cleo puts her head on his chest)
Abe: (sincerely) I am so sorry.
Cleo: I need someone to comfort me. Someone who's leading the polls. And who's named Abe. Wait. You're named Abe. Aren't you, Abe?
Abe: (Putting his hand on Cleo's shoulder) To the max, Cleo. To the max.
Joan: That's it! All the pictures of him I have over my bed are coming down! (Smiling to herself) Except for that one... where's he's under the tree with his shirt off. (Hugs herself and smiles some more)
(Scudworth in his office. He's wearing a white coat and holding a bottle of wine. It looks expensive)
Scudworth: (smashing the bottle) We're rich, Mr B!
Mr Butlertron: (gold plated) Bling bling. But shouldn't you be saving some of this money for your secret plan instead of having me gold plated and lowered?
Scudworth: Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically outfitted friend. Why, I watched the first two thirds of the Mc Hammer Behind The Music, and if there's one thing I've learned about money, it's that it (gesture to the rest of his office, which contains a lot of expensive junk) never runs out!
(JFK's house. It's raining. Inside, JFK and his foster dads are having dinner)
JFK: Hey uh, gay foster dads? How do I get everyone to like me?
Wally: Baby, a lot of people liked the original JFK because he was such a caring leader, (feeds Carl some mashed potatoes) and he inspired a generation of young people!
JFK: I thought he was a macho, womanising stud, who conquered the MOON! (There's a knock on the door) Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl! (He answers the door. It's Joan, who's soaked) You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... (pointing) with my pants!
Joan: (deadpan) I wanna manage your campaign.
JFK: Hey, whatever you're into. (calling) Dads! I'm gonna be uh, busy nailing this kinky broad for the next fifteen minutes!
Joan: (annoyed) Would you shut up? I'm here because I can't stand Abe being Cleo's puppet. And you can't win the election without my help. Here's what we're gonna do. (Whispers into JFK's ear) And then... (whispers some more)
JFK: Well how about... (whispers in Joan's ear) Dental dam! (whispers some more. Joan slaps him) Bobby! Okay, no dental dam.
(Abe wearing a blue helmet)
Abe: Folks, for my next totally outrageous campaign stunt, I will ride this board, (holds up a windsurfing board) which is connected by a bungee cord, to this monster truck, which my friend Gandhi (Gandhi eats some X-Stream Blu) will drive back and forth on this half pipe. (Abe is on the top left of the half pipe, Gandhi is in the middle) Just like the real Abe Lincoln would've done, had he the tools to do so.
(The truck revs and drives up the opposite site, pulling Abe to the bottom. It flips over before it gets to the top and lands at the bottom, trapping Abe underneath. The clones cheer)
JFK: (falsetto) Hey everybody! Something is uh, on the er, closed circuit TV!
(The clones cheer and run to watch. On the TV, a few pictures of Abe fly across the screen)
Announcer: Abraham Lincoln. (A highly unflattering picture fills the screen) Honest Abe. Or so he'd have you believe. (A red number 15 flies from the bottom of the screen to the middle) Last year, Abe said he was fifteen years old. (The red 5 is replaced with a red 6)Now he claims to be sixteen. (Question marks fly up the screen) Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight. (A crayon drawing of a stick figure in a top hat eating a baby appears) He'd also like you to believe that he's not a baby eater. (Shot of the audience watching) He's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies.
(The stick figure chomps on a baby. A video of Abe appears)
Abe: I can't wait to eat this-- (obviously edited in footage of a baby on a plate)
Announcer: Baby? (The students gasp and look sick. On the screen, Abe sucks up spaghetti, getting sauce all over his mouth. The camera zooms in) When's it gonna stop, Abe?
(A picture of JFK holding two babies and standing in front of the American flag appears)
JFK: Not voting for Abe. It just makes sense.
Abe: (Watching) Where did JFK get my spaghetti video?
JFK: (On video) JFK would like to thank Joan of Arc for her help on this ad!
(Abe's pupils dilate)
(A newspaper spins at the camera with the headline "NEW POLLS IN: JFK AHEAD". It also has a smaller headline reading "NEW POLES IN: TETHERBALL CLUB ECSTATIC")
(Abe and Gandhi walk down the hallway. Gandhi is eating X-Stream Blu, and looks a little bloated)
Gandhi: Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe. At least it can't any worse.
Abe: (annoyed) How many times have I told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen. I've seen it on Happy Days, watch. In three. Two. One.
(Cleo shows up)
Cleo: Abe. I'm really confused about my feelings right now. I think I just... (dramatic) need some time to be alone. With JFK.
(Abe looks at Gandhi)
Gandhi: Wait. At least it can't get any better!
Abe: It doesn't work that way, Gandhi.
(Abe walks away. A butterfly comes in bearing money, which Gandhi takes with a grin)
(Abe walks through the hallway and somehow comes out on a dock at sunset. He sits down hugging his knees. Somewhere else, Joan also sits on a dock hugging her knees. She looks to her left)
Joan: Abe? (The docks are right next to each other. The school is nowhere in sight) What are you doing here?
Abe: I come out here to think sometimes.
Joan: Me too.
Abe: Well right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock, thinking about what you did.
Joan: I was only trying to help, Abe. You don't know what you're getting into. What she's getting you into.
Abe: (annoyed) You don't know what you're getting into! And that's out of, my friendship. (Stands up) And you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. (A nail sticks up from his shoe) But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. (still annoyed) So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should've used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?
Joan: (Whispering) I guess it is.
Abe: That's where you're wrong, Joan! Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the Snake River Canyon. Goodbye, Joan. (He walks off to the right and falls into the water. He gets out) Goodbye, Joan. (He walks off to the left)
(The auditorium, which is packed. Some footballers run across the stage dragging a jacuzzi containing Scudworth, Mr B, and some girls in bikinis)
Scudworth: Clone High! X-Stream Blu presents, (Blue spotlights center on a X-Stream Blu curtain) the X-Stream Blu high school presidential debate! With celebrity panelists Marilyn Manson, (he twiddles his thumbs) Mena Suvari, (she waves) and introducing Murray T. Wayans! (He points) And now. He risks his ass to thrill his class, Aaaaaaaabe Lincooooln!
(A bear comes in and roars, then explodes. Abe is behind it on a jet powered skateboard. He's died most of his hair and beard blue. Abe flies over the heads of the cheering crowd onto the stage, where he falls flat on his back. He gets up and waves)
Cleo: (wearing a "GO ABE" T-shirt) Woo-oo!
Scudworth: And on this podium, captain, of the football team, and el capitan of the fútbol team, J! F! K!
(JFK walks out to his podium)
Cleo: (wearing a "GO JFK" T-shirt) Woo-oo!
JFK: (Shielding his eyes from a glow coming from offscreen) I can't see, due to the glare, from Mena Suvari's enormous forehead!
(The glare really is coming from her forehead)
(Later)
Marilyn Manson: The next question is for JFK. How do you respond to the criticism that, unlike Abe and myself, you won't put yourself at risk of physical harm in order to gain approval.
JFK: That is a uh, good question, scary androgynous white guy! And I would like to reply by uh, (taking his shirt off) taking my shirt off! (The crowd cheers louder)
Abe: My bare chested opponent raises a good point. But he's avoiding the fact that X-Stream Blu is mad packed with all nine essential nutrimites to fortify your X-zone!
JFK: May I respond to that?
Marilyn Manson: Yes you may.
JFK: Abe's a tot muncher!
Abe: Oh yeah? (The curtains behind him open) For my rebuttal, I'd like to dramatically gesture to this giant death defying skateboard ramp behind me. (On the giant death defying ramp, spikes come up, a fan begins to blow, hoops light themselves on fire, and three crocodiles and a dolphin come out of a wading pool. Abe stands next to the ladder) I intend to ride said ramp. Gandhi? (Gandhi, who's extremely bloated, bluish, and looks ill, looks up) You may now attach the skateboard... To my head!
(Gandhi attaches the skateboard to Abe's head. Abe climbs to the top of the giant death defying ramp. Gandhi follows. At the top, Abe stands on his head and Gandhi goes to light the firecracker on Abe's back)
Gandhi: Abe, it all comes down to... (falls off the ramp in slow motion) thiiiiiis.
(The audience gasps. Abe opens his eyes)
Abe: Gaaaaaaaaaaaandhiiiiiii! (Gandhi hits the ground and lies there. The pacing goes back to normal and Marilyn Manson jumps. He goes over to him and opens one of his eyes. Everyone gasps) Marilyn Manson?
Marilyn Manson: Yes. It is my professional opinion, as a singer and a licensed doctor, that this student is suffering from... malnutrition. (Everyone gasps again) Mena? I'm going to need one milligram of sub-cue glucagon, stat!
(Abe comes down the ladder)
Abe: How can this be? (He picks up a bottle of X-Stream Blu and looks at it. There is a label reading "INGREDAMENTS" with "NUTRIMITES VITAMINOS HEALTH ACIDS" in slightly smaller writing. He looks more closely at it and sees a much smaller label reading "INGREDIENTS" and "PANCAKE BATTER, BLUE HOUSE PAINT") What have I done? (He takes a mic) Fellow students, X-Stream Blu is a sham. For four days straight, Gandhi ate nothing but... pancake batter and blue house paint. A shallow ploy, by Racist Mammy Breakfast Foods, to jazz up an old product with extreme marketing. (The audience members look at their bottles of X-Stream Blu, then they look angry) The same marketing scheme I used to win your votes. Well, I don't deserve your votes! (throwing down the mic) I suck!
(The crowd boos and throws bottles of X-Stream Blu at Abe. Cleo removes a shirt reading "I [heart] Abe", revealing a shirt reading "I [heart] JFK". The X-Stream Blu team come by on scooters and take away Scudworth's money, as well as most of his clothes)
Scudworth: There goes our ghetto fabulous lifestyle.
Mr Butlertron: (sadly) Bling, bling.
(Joan picks up the mic)
Joan: Wait, everyone. You should vote for Abe. Because a real leader does what Abe just did, and what he always does. He stands up for the right thing, even if it makes him look like a jackass. That's the kind of jackass I want in my corner.
(The crowd applauds wildly and Cleo, wearing her "I [heart] Abe" T-shirt, comes on stage. The needle on a meter in Mr B's chest goes into the red zone)
Mr Butlertron: That's the highest score yet on the Applause-O-Meter, the official voting system of Clone Hiiigh.
Scudworth: Looks like Lincoln is your new president.
Joan: (To Abe) You're gonna make a great-ass president.
Abe: Thanks, Joan. For showing me how to be a real-ass leader.
(A cute little dog walks onto the stage)
Boy: Hey, check out that stray puppy!
Girl: Oh my god, he is so cute!
(The dog licks Gandhi's face)
Boy 2: And he's licking that dead Smurf's face!
Clones: Awww!
(They applaud. The glass on the Applause-O-Meter cracks)
Scudworth: Fine, whatever! This random dog is your new president!
(The audience cheers)
Cleo: (crouching down next to the dog) Hey there, president. That's a cute collar.
(President Dog licks his lips. Gandhi has woken up, although he's still lying on the floor)
Abe: Well, we sure learned a lot today.
Gandhi: I'll say. But there's just one thing I don't understand, Doctor Manson. How does a growing boy like me eat a healthy, balanced diet?
Marilyn Manson: Well Gandhi, I'll tell you. The only way I know how. (He stands up, a spotlight appears on him, and he begins to sing)
(He starts to dance, puts on a top hat, and holds a cane)
(In front of a food pyramid)Oh grains are the foundation A body needs to grow (He stands in front of some sort of graph, and grows)
All: (standing around the food pyramid) My body is a pyramid that's made of healthy food
Clones: Yeah!
All: Eat right every day! (The words of this line appear around Marilyn Manson)
Clones: Food! (Gandhi is holding a giant hot dog)
All: IIIII looooove yooooou! (An American flag comes down behind them)
Marilyn Manson: (spoken) Buy American.
The ancient pharaohs were not too bright they say
But they made on contribution that I live by to this day
It's the food pyramid and it's approved by the USDA
So please take my advice(Dances in front of the grains part)
Have five to eleven servings of bread, cereal or rice(jumps up to the fruit and vegetable section)
Three to five of vegetables and four of fruits is best
Their antioxidants and fibre help you to digest(The words ANTIOXIDENTS and FIBER squeeze through a digestive system)
Three servings of yoghurt, milk and cheese(The foods he mentioned also have their own hats and canes)
Will help your bones and subsidise the cattle industries(He pulls open his chest, revealing his ribcage, taps a cow's bell, then stands in front of a farm holding a moneybag)
And growing takes proteins(His left bicep magically grows and the word "PROTEINS" appears on it)
That's why meat can be a tasty treat like fish or human beings (Abe and a giant anthropomorphic fish join Manson. They also have hats and canes. At the end of the line, Manson snaps at Abe)
When you eat your sweets(He comes out of a mouth of a boy eating a lollipop)
Make sure you try (He's at the top of the food pyramid now)
To limit your serving
Or you'll DIIIEEE!!(On the word die, he breathes fire from his mouth, speaks in a harsh tone, and stands on a platform that appears to be in hell. Then he's back to normal)
Everybody!
So do what we say!
(The song ends and everything is back to normal)
Abe: Well... I guess we did learn that.
Narrator: Next time, on a very special Clone High. (As he speaks, pictures of Abe, Joan, Gandhi, Cleo, JFK and Mr Sheepman appear on the screen in that order) Someone open mouthed kisses someone else. So set your VCRs for stunned. (A shot of some background students looking shocked) Because you will be. Oh, you will be.