Narrator: Previously, on a very special Clone High. (Joan sits on her thinking dock) Joan made a declaration.
(Joan and Abe in the Grassy Knoll)
Joan: Abe, I want you.
(Abe kisses Gandhi)
Narrator: And Abe found a new form of recreation. He's not gay or anything. (Shot of Cleo) Abe actually likes Cleo. A girl. (shot of Abe) That was just a hilarious plot twist. Hey, you miss an episode, it's your funeral. (Some live action guy eats a sandwich) I'm talking to you, Doug.
(The man looks up. Opening credits)
(A sports field. A banner reads "BIG CROSS COUNTRY MEET TODAY" and in slightly smaller letters, "*NSYNC CONCERT MOVED TO NURSE'S OFFICE". A brass band plays the Clone High theme. There are a lot of people watching, including Gandhi and Joan)
Gandhi: Wow! I've never seen so few fans at a cross country meet.
(JFK and some other kids run a race. Van Gough lags behind a little, and Abe lags behind a lot)
Joan: Lope, Abe Lincoln, lope!
Cleo: (In a cheerleader's outfit) Man, it's hot. I think I'll pour this sports drink all over myself. (She pours a purple sports drink all over herself) Ooh, it's sticky.
(Abe trips over)
Abe: Dinger!
(JFK comes first in the race)
JFK: I won! And I didn't even scuff my loafers!
Guy wearing jumper: Oh my god! We just won a cross country duel meet!
Buddha: Let's destroy property to show how much we appreciate the team!
(The screen tints red as the leave the stadium. The clones chant "Riot! Riot!" for the entire riot scene. Outside the library, Van Gough uproots a stop sign)
Van Gough: Stupid stop sign!
(He uses is to smash the doors to the library, and the students go in. They come out carrying books)
Boy: Yeah! Books!
(Napoleon throws a torch onto the library, setting it on fire. Somewhere else, there is a group of cheerleaders. Cleo is not among them)
Girl: Ready? Okay!
(Another girl is thrown through a window. She stands up)
Girl 2: Riot!
(Julius Caesar smashes the window to the A/V room and steals books)
Caesar: Yeah! Books!
(Gandhi, Catherin the Great, George Washington, and some other guy flip a car over. Gandhi pulls the muffler off the bottom, bites a hole in it, and laughs crazily. Then he drinks the oil)
Boy 2: Flip the pool! (Genghis Khan flips a pool over) Thank you!
(Genghis sets the pool on fire. JFK comes out a room holding a sheet of glass, which he uses to smash a brick wall. Scudworth watches from his office, which has a big convenient hole in it due to the riot)
Scudworth: Those loveable scamps! They're rioting at a college level!
(The cheerleader is thrown through Scudworth's window)
Girl 2: Riot!
(The next day, the school is half ruined, and smoke is rising from it. The blackboard in a classroom reads "CARE-FRONTATION TODAY CARE-IFF. Mr Sheepman has lost most of his wool)
Mr Sheepman: Now let's talk about yesterday's horrifying shenanigans. Feel free to say anything, because today (puts on a sheriff badge) I'm gonna be your care-iff. You see. (The students in the class are Abe, Gandhi, Joan, JFK, Cleo, Genghis, and the Elvis twins) Okay, moving on. I know teenagers have an awful lot of confusing feelings, but today it is unlawful, to bottle 'em up. You gotta LET EM OUT! Like I do, every night between ten and ten-fifteen on a pillow shaped like my father. (The clones stare) So let's brainstorm some constructive ways we can express ourselves.
Gandhi: (raising his hands) Uh, Joan of Arc makes movies.
Joan: Uh, I make films? Kay? On video? Experimental video art, particularly not intended for audiences.
Mr Sheepman: Okay, wonderful! Making films is a, is a, is a relatively inexpensive way to express oneself, I guess.
Abe: (Standing up) I'd like to help. I was on that cross country team! For this reason, I hereby volunteer to organise the first annual Take Back The Afternoon Film Festival To Save Clone High!
Mr Sheepman: (Giving Abe his care-iff badge) Fantastic! Now we'll never have another riot!
(Scudworth is being told off by the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures)
Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet. But that riot was unacceptable.
Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They FLIPPED the bitch!
Shadowy Figure: Principal Scudworth, if you were running this school properly there would be no riots. Only clone soldiers trained for superior intellectual and physical combat.
Scudworth: (Turning away from the screen) Little do they know, I have my own plans for these clones. Plans that don't involve these shadowy figures at all. (sniggers to himself)
Shadowy Figure: You're talking in a normal indoor speaking voice.
Scudworth: So I am. (Whispering) Little do they know, I have my own plans for these--
Shadowy Figure: Scudworth! (Scudworth jumps) You're walking on thin ice, man. Clone of Karen Carpenter thin. I think this is an issue we should talk about. In person.
Scudworth: (Happy) Maybe we could have dinner! Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!
Shadowy Figure: We were thinking somewhere more... intimate. (Menacing) Your house. Next Friday. No dairy. (pause) Please.
(He turns the TV off)
Scudworth: Damnit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like, forever!
(Establishing shot: Scudworth's house. Inside, Scudworth comes in to canned applause and takes off his hat and coat. Mr B approaches)
Scudworth: Mr Butlertron, my bosses are coming over for dinner, and look at this place! I haven't changed a thing since I got my degree in the mad sciences from ASU!
(His house is a mess)
Mr Butlertron: Maybe some overpriced knickknacks will add a touch of class.
Scudworth: They've got a great selection down at Restoration Pottery Peer N Barrel.
Mr Butlertron: Are you thinking what I'm programmed to be thinking?
Scudworth and Mr Butlertron: (Scudworth holds up a MisterBank Card) Shopping spree!
(George Washington Carver in his peanut lab. He's pouring a chemical from a test tube into another test tube when Gandhi opens the door, causing him to drop it)
Gandhi: [Shakka branna], George Washington Carver!
Carver: Damnit, Gandhi! You know how I hate to be interrupted while I'm in my peanut lab!
Gandhi: Okay, check this out. I have this ass-kicking idea for the film fest. It's about these two cops, and they're different, but in many ways, they're the same. It's staring me, and check this out: It's staring you!
Carver: No.
Gandhi: See, it's two different cops, from two different precincts, learning to fight crime together as buddies!
Carver: Please go away.
Gandhi: Check this out! You play Leon Black, and I'm... Tandoori Jones! (laughing) And you won't believe what it's called.
Carver: Black and Tan?
Gandhi: Black and Tan! (Pumping his fist) High five, racial pride!
Carver: (Screwing some paper into a ball) I don't like those movies, Mahatma. They're filled with bad dialogue and trite plot twists, and they perpetuate racial stereotypes.
(He throws the ball at the wastepaper basket and misses)
Gandhi: Naw, dog. See, this is about dissing racial stereotypes. The know the old one about how Indians and Blacks don't get along?
(Carver has his head in his hands)
Carver: No.
Gandhi: Well Black and Tan will prove, that even though we're different, we're ultimately a hilarious combo!
(Carver thumps his desk)
Carver: Good day, Gandhi. Good day!
Gandhi: There's a part for the peanut.
(Peanie comes out of Carver's shirt pocket)
Peanie: We're listening... (laughs)
(A bunch of girls stand outside of the editing room. A sign taped to the wall reads "JFK'S BIG MOVIE AUDITIONING GIRLS #11-38". Inside, JFK makes out with Catherine the Great on the casting couch. Then he stands up)
JFK: Next! (Apparently to the viewers) Thank God I got the key to this editing room. (he pats the couch as another girl comes in) Aw yeah. Casting couch.
(Abe holds up a sheet of paper with the words "CLONE HIGH "FILM FEST"" and "IT'LL BE A RIOT!!". It has quite a lot of clipart. He and Joan are in the Grassy Knoll)
Joan: (Trying to sound enthusiastic) Wow! Clipart! You know, I'm glad we get to spend some time alone.
(Cleo walks up)
Cleo: Hi, Abe. My film is really coming along. I'm doing an autobiography called The Best Of The Best Of The Best Of The Best the Best. The whole premise is how tough it is to be me. (Counting on her fingers) Popular, smart, well travelled, and incredibly well-endowed. Boob-wise. Hey, is there a time limit on the films?
Abe: Would you tell a sunset (whispers) that it couldn't last forever?
Joan: Sunsets last six minutes.
Cleo: (annoyed) Does a sunset have a soundtrack featuring Smash Mouth? See ya. (Seductive) And Abe? I'll see you, at the movies.
(Joan points at her throat)
Abe: Wooow. (Joan gasps and looks unhappy. Then she runs away crying. Abe stands up) Joooooaaaan! (He walks to the next tables and looks around frantically, panting. He finds Joan two tables away, with her face on the table) Joan! Thank God you're okay! I've been looking all over the restaurant for you!
(A policeman walks up)
Policeman: Abe, we put out an APB on your missing friend.
Abe: It's okay, officer, I found her. (The policeman leaves and Abe puts his hand on Joan's back) What are you doing here? It's not safe, this table's not even bussed!
(Joan looks up)
Joan: (whispering) I don't know how to say this.
Abe: You don't have to. You think the film fest is too commercial.
Joan: I do?
Abe: Yes. Film at Clone High used to be just you and Andy Warhol and your disturbing art films. But now Cleo's got her epic, Gandhi's doing his cop movie, and Mother Teresa's got that teen slasher sex romp. But it's not about them. This festival's all about you. Joan.
Joan: (Raising her palms) Me? Abe?
Abe: You, and me, and what you have here. (Puts his hand on her chest. Joan looks happy) Heart-wise. Like my film. It's everything I've been wadding up the sad chamber of my heart! And now I'm shooting that wad. In thirty-five millimetre. Joan, isn't there just one thing in that beautiful and honest heart of yours that you need to express?
Joan: Yes Abe. I love--
Abe: (Putting his finger over Joan's lips) Shh. Don't tell me.
Joan: Mmm?
Abe: Show me.
Joan: Mmm.
Abe: In your film.
(The camera zooms out to reveal the policeman next to them)
Policeman: Well, I'll see you guys.
(He walks away)
(Cleo sits on a throne wearing a snake headband. Everything looks very Egyptian)
Director: Okay now, Cleo baby. This is the shot where you reveal how difficult your life really is. And, go!
Cleo: Oh, I'm sorry, Ang. Am I having a nightmare? Because if I was awake, those cue cards would be written in CALLIGRAPHY!
(The cue cards read "BOO HOO. BOO HOO. BOO HOO. BOO HOO. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) BOO HOO. BOO HOO." An ugly boy is holding them)
Director: Oh my God, I am so sorry. (To the boy) Get the hell out of here! You are not my son!
(The boy looks down)
Joan: (Holding a camera) Okay, remember. You're Gabe. (She's talking to Genghis Khan) Gabe Linkoln. Now your motivation is that you're in love with your best friend, but you just haven't told her yet, (yelling) And go!
Genghis: Line?
Joan: (sighs) There is no line right now, you just scream and weep. And go!
(Genghis screams and weeps)
(Gandhi and George Washington Carver on a speed boat, apparently on the ocean. They both have big laser guns)
Gandhi: At first, I thought you were wack, Black. But now, we've both learned that when east meets west, it's deadly!
(Peanie turns round from a chair at the other end of the boat)
Peanie: Bueno momento, Black and Tan. (Pulls out two pistols that shoot peanut shells) Eat shell!
(Gandhi backflips onto the front of the speed boat, striking a lot of poses on the way. Carver just walks. Peanie laughs)
Gandhi: Go to hell, Seņor Peanie!
Peanie: Last one there's a rotten huevo!
(He laughs)
Carver: Say what?
Gandhi: (Annoyed) Cut. No no no, man. (They're on a set with a looping background and a wave machine) You're making me fall asleep! To death, bro. Okay, the line is, (falsetto) "say whaaaaaat?"
Carver: Say what?
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Say whaaaaaat?
Carver: Say what?
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Saaaaay,
Carver: Say.
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Whaaaaaaaaaat?
Carver: What?
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Say whaa--
Carver: Gandhi! This character is not me.
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Say whaaa--
Carver: Stop it! Listen! You and I, don't get along! (Drops his gun) I'm off the project! (He jumps off the boat and starts to walk away. Then he looks around) Watch out for that water tower!
(He jumps up and pushes Gandhi out of the way. A water tower falls onto the set, which bursts into flames)
Gandhi: Wow, G-Dub. You saved my life! Hey man, would you stay if I rewrote your character?
Carver: No! I'll rewrite it. My way.
Gandhi: (Falsetto) Say whaaaaaaaaat?
(Abe casts for his movie, It Takes A Hero)
Abe: Remember, this film is my heart. I want your voice to weep with honesty and truth! And all that is real in this world. Aaaand... go!
Bad Actor: (Flatly) There's nothing in the rule book that says a giraffe can't play football.
Abe: No. Feel it!
Bad Actor: (More slowly) There's nothing in the rule book that says a giraffe can't play football.
(Abe claps sarcastically)
(Scudworth is surrounded by shopping bags)
Scudworth: Get out your funbrella, Mr B! Because it's raining style!
(They hold up some overpriced knickknacks, and a montage happens. The music makes this segment quite funny. Scudworth knocks some Quittin' Time Beer bottles off a shelf, and replaces them with candles. Then he covers up with Rastaeari poster with some modern art. He runs across the carpet with his elbows bent and his wrists limp. Mr B follows, laying down an Afghan rug. Scudworth and Mr B hug in front of a splotch. A director's box for The Truth Wears Sideburns, Joan's movie, snaps in front of them. Joan and Genghis run towards each other in a grassy field. Genghis keeps running when Joan reaches him, and she is hurt. A director's box for the Best Of The Best Of The Best Of The Best Of The Best snaps over them. Three guys in togas walk past a pyramid, followed by a few Roman soldiers, and an elephant dragging a Sphinx, which Cleo is sitting on. She cries a single tear. A director's box for JFK's Big Movie snaps over her face. JFK claps his hands and a girl gyrates her hips. They are still in the editing room. A director's box for It Takes A Hero snaps over them. Abe sits on a fold up chair in the middle of a football field and speaks through a megaphone. A giraffe kicks him. Gandhi and George Washington Carver walk along the room of the school holding guns. When they get to the end, Gandhi jumps off. While he's falling, Cleo, JFK, Abe and Joan raise their palms. Then Gandhi hits the ground hard. He gives Carver a thumbs up, who returns it and climbs down the ladder. Then there's a shot of all the main characters and Carver smiling against a blue background)
(Clone High is being rebuilt. Joan is in the editing room. JFK and Catherine the Great are visible on the couch for a few seconds)
Joan: Well, there it is. I'm finished!
JFK: Well I'm not. Keep it down over there!
Joan: Finally, a film that perfectly expresses all of my feelings for Abe.
(Abe comes in)
Abe: Hey, Joan. What was that you were saying quietly?
(Joan smiles)
Joan: Abe! Hi, I just finished my film, and it really expresses my true--
Abe: I'm so proud of you. Opening yourself up, and expressing what's inside. You're such an honest and true friend.
Joan: Friend?
Abe: It's been hard for me because I'm trying to win over Cleo, and run the film fest, but knowing I have you as a pal, gives me the strength to do it.
Joan: Pal?
Abe: Don't worry, bro. (Gives Joan a friendly punch) Cleo will never take your place as my best friend.
Joan: Bro?
Abe: Yeah, even closer than a sister. So close that we could sleep in the same bed and never touch or kiss. So anyway, thanks for expressing yourself, man.
(He leaves)
Joan: Man.
(She drops her film into the wastepaper basket and leaves. Abe comes back in)
Abe: Joan, I almost forgot to pick up your-- Amigo? Buddy? Fella? Where are you, guy? (He picks Joan's film out of the bin) Hey, what's this? (Looks at it) You're going to express yourself, Joan. Even if I have to do it for you.
(He walks away, sniffing the film)
JFK: (Offscreen) Do you mind? Some of us are nailing Catherine the Great here! (Leans into shot) Or should I say, Catherine the So-So?
(The sign outside the auditorium reads "CLONE HIGH FILM FESTIVAL" and "TAKING BACK THE AFTERNOON ONE ENTERTAINED HOOLIGAN AT A TIME". There is a red carpet, and a limo and a horse drawn carriage are visible. Inside, Joan reads the clipart ridden program. She gasps and approaches Abe. Abe is wearing a suit)
Joan: Abe? Abe? Abe, why is my name on the program?
Abe: Because it deserves to be. I found your film in the trash can and I submitted it.
Joan: No! No, you don't understand, Abe! This film is embarrassing! (whispering) For both of us!
Abe: How could I be embarrassed by a friend?
(In the audience, Gandhi dances and everyone stares)
Gandhi: Who's got the legs? Me! That's who! Me!
Abe: Who knows, Joan? Maybe your film will change the world.
Joan: (To herself) That's what I'm afraid of.
(Joan knocks on the projection booth door window)
Joan: Open up, Thomas Edison.
(Thomas Edison opens the window. He appears to be an old man, but other scenes would imply that he is a teenager. He also appears to have some sort of sinus problem)
Edison: I know what you're after, Joan. And you're not gonna get it!
Joan: But you don't understand!
Edison: Or do I?
Joan: No!
Edison: Or is it yes?
Joan: No! Let me in!
Edison: You can try all you want, Joan. But we both know that even an angry woman can't claw through steel that's two feet thick!
(Scudworth's living room. It's a lot cleaner now)
Scudworth: Well, the apartment's all finished! I couldn't've done it without you, Mr B! And speaking of without you, go hide in the kitchen.
Mr Butlertron: But, Wesley...
Scudworth: My entire career is riding on the success of this dinner. And I don't need the electronic help muddling it up!
(Mr B heads for the kitchen)
Mr Butlertron: Don't let him see you cry. Just make it to the... kitchen.
(He goes through the door and closes it, then cries in a very human sounding way)
(George Washington Carver looks through a microscope in front of a background of equations and other sciency looking things)
Announcer: Meet Leon Black, a Harvard educated scientist turned (Carver looks through a magnifying glass in front of a background of footprints) expert police detective. (A shot of Gandhi in front of a more brightly coloured background. The announcer sounds happier as well) Meet Tandoori Jones, (Gandhi poses with his laser gun in front of a bunch of boxes labeled "Danger") a jive talking, smooth walking typical Indian supercop, who plays by his own rules: None! (Gandhi punches at the camera) Together they are... (Quick shot of Gandhi and Carver together, then the name of the movie is spelled out slowly in bullet holes) Black and Tan!
(Later. Carver dusts his hands off)
Carver: Thus concludes this caper. And speaking of capers, (Holds up some Indian food and grins) I thought we ordered from a deli!
Gandhi: Oh, it's from a deli all right. (Indian music) New Delhi, India. We've been transferred there for our next adventure!
Carver: What is that you saaaaaay?
(There's an explosion behind them, which flings them forward. Freeze frame. The words "BLACK AND TAN FOREVER" come up on the screen, then a question mark appears at the end. The audience applauds. Gandhi and Carver high five each other)
Abe: Now I'd like to introduce my film It Takes A Hero. Here is my soul, friends. My soul.
(The other students look excited. Later they look bored, except who Abe, who's staring at the screen with a tear in his eye. In the movie, the Heros are on 10 points, and the Villains are on 12. The giraffe kicks the football onto the goal, where it balances for a few seconds. The crowd gasps and the giraffe looks at it sadly.)
Little Girl: (In audience) I love you.
(The football goes over the goal, getting the Heroes another 3 points. The crowd cheers and the giraffe bellows)
Bad Actor: He's going, home.
(The giraffe is beamed up into a spaceship)
Little Girl: I have your baby in me, giraffe!
(The End. An Abe Lincoln Picture. The audience claps politely and Abe cries a single tear)
Abe: Wow. Single tear. (laughs) Okay. (walking up to the podium) Our next film, by Cleopatra, is titled The Best Of The Best of the-- Oh my god!
(The projection room is on fire. The audience screams and runs away, and Edison jumps out of the window. He stands up)
Edison: Damn coal powered projectors! (Lifts up a strip of film) Well, all the films are ruined.
(The film crumbles into dust)
Cleo: (Distraught) There is no God!
Joan: There is a God!
Edison: Except Joan's film, which has somehow expanded in the fire, and will now be seen in widescreen.
Joan: Ugh, there is no God.
Abe: This is a sign, Joan! If you don't express yourself, you'll just keep saying "fine" when someone asks you how you are. And then one day someone will say "How are you, Joan?" And you know what your answer will be? There won't be one. Because you'll be dead.
(Joan raises an eyebrow. Abe smiles at her)
(Four members of the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures have arrived at Scudworth's house. The atmosphere is awkward)
Scudworth: So, religion's for fools, eh? Fools and liberals!
(He raises his wine glass. The shadowy figures don't react. After a second, Scudworth lowers his glass. Mr B watches from the kitchen)
Mr Butlertron: Hello. Am I in space? (Comes in holding a tray of food) Because you all look out of this wooorld.
(The shadowy figures laugh. Scudworth and Mr B look at each other. Mr B smiles)
Scudworth: Board of Shadowy Figures, I'd like to you meet Mr Butlertron. My butl-- no. My friend.
Shadowy Figure: Well Scudworth I must confess, We actually came to dinner tonight to kill you. (Holds up a laser gun and shrugs. Canned laughter) But we had such a wonderful time that we're going to give you another chance!
(Scudworth smiles)
Scudworth: Oh Mr B. You've done it again!
(They hug. Iris in to canned applause)
Joan: Look. I think it's obvious what this is about, so let's just get it over with.
(She sits down. On the screen, the words "THE TRUTH WEARS SIDEBURNS (UN FILM DU JOAN OF ARC)" appear and violin music plays. The entire film is in black and white. Joan's head appears on the left side of the screen)
Joan: Whisper, whisper.
(Joan's head also appears on the right side of the screen)
Joan: Hush, hush.
(A stopwatch ticks. Two dolphins jump out of the water and turn into tears on Genghis Khan's face as he screams and weeps. A pie deflates and turns into a bunch of maggots. Zoom in on a dead penguin at a picnic while bells toll)
Joan: (Distorted) Celine Dion-athon, Celine Dion-athon.
(A stovepipe hat blows across a baron landscape. Another pie bursts into flames and becomes a rose, which bursts into flames and becomes a human heart. Genghis coughs. Bagpipes play. A kettle boils. Joan's head appears on the left side of the screen again)
Joan: Whisper, whiiiisper.
(Joan's head appears on the right side of the screen)
Joan: Whisper!
(Both heads whisper something unintelligible. Joan slaps a watermelon. Genghis puts a finger to his lips. Then the word "FIN" appears. The audience stares)
Clones: ...Huh.
(Sigmund Freud dances around next to Joan)
Freud: (Singsong) Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha, you love A-abe!
Joan: Go away, Sigmund Freud.
Freud: Could it be any more obvious? Hm-hm hm-hm hm-hm--
(Joan hits him with a fold up chair)
Abe: Well that's it! Wasn't this the best film fest ever?!
Clones: Yeah!
Abe: I can't hear you, Clone High!
Clones: (Throwing chairs into the air) Film fest! Film Fest!
(Abe looks startled, and the air tints red. The students break into the library, Genghis flips the pool over, and Gandhi and the others flip a car over. Genghis sets the pool on fire. Joan watches from a nearby hill. Abe approaches her)
Joan: So, I guess things are totally different now.
Abe: Not really, everyone's still rioting.
Joan: No, I mean with my film. (Sadly) Now you know the truth about how I feel.
Abe: (Confused) Uh... yeah.
Joan: And it doesn't change things?
Abe: Uh... No?
Joan: Thanks for not making this too weird. (Hugs Abe) I just felt so exposed, because mine was the only film that was truely personal.
(Abe pushes Joan away)
Abe: (Annoyed) What? Did you watch my movie Joan, or did you just see it? Unlike you, I didn't make a beeline for the obvious. I used a little something called symbolism. (mildly) You see Joan, I was that giraffe.
Joan: Wow. So, if you were the giraffe, who was that little girl?
Abe: Good night, Joan. Good night.
(He walks away. Joan watches him, then looks at the camera confusedly)
Narrator: Next time, on a very special Clone High. (JFK yells at Cleo and Cleo yells at JFK) JFK and Cleo break up for reals. (Joan yells at Cleo, and Cleo yells at Joan) Joan and Cleo duke it out, lady style. (Abe struggles to control his car) And something tragic may or may not happen. (Joan and Gandhi gasp)