(Ed-touchables transcript)
(A house. Cut to a door labeled "EDD'S ROOM". Cut to room covered in labels. A
repetitive sound can be heard. A skinny boy with an oval shaped face, a black
hat and a red shirt runs across the screen. This is Edd. He seems excited. He
uses a label maker, the source of the noise, to create a "LAMP" label, which he
places on a desk lamp happily. Edd then makes a "BOOKS" label, which he puts on
a bookshelf. There are shots of other labeled surfaces. "DESK", "SACK", and
"PILLOW". "SACK" is in fact his bed. Edd sighs happily. When he speaks, his
voice is quite hoarse and soft, making him sound slightly like Og from Mike, Lu
and Og)
EDD: (With growing excitement. As he speaks, we see "DOORKNOB", "FLOOR", and
"JIM" [a cactus]) Four thousand, eight hundred and twenty; four thousand, eight
hundred and twenty-four.. (We now see what he's counting, an ant farm) Ooo, I
like what you've done with that tunnel. Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty-
one, four thousand, eight hundred and thirty-five; that's everybody. (Edd
fiddles with an abacus) Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty-seven ants!
(Places a label on the ant farm. It reads "ANTS 4,837" The doorbell rings. Edd
seems apprehensive) Hm?
(Edd looks down the stairs at the door, then heads down to answer the doorbell.
There's no one outside. Outside is a cul-de-sac in an outlying suburb. A dog
barks once. Birds twitter. Edd slams the door)
(Edd goes back to his room looking bemused. The doorbell rings again when he's
at the top of the stairs. Edd opens the door. There's still no one there. He
presses the doorbell. It sounds, at first different to the way it sounded
earlier)
EDD: Hmm... (The doorbell rings while Edd is on the stairs. Edd gasps in
exasperation. He opens the door angrily) Oh, *please*!
(A bucket of water falls on his head. He slams the door and walks up the stairs
with the bucket still on his head. The doorbell rings and he runs down again,
sans bucket. He looks outside carefully. A fish hits Edd in the face and he
closes the door looking shellshocked. He ascends the stairs one more time,
holding his nose. The doorbell rings again and he rushes to answer it. Outside
is Eddy, who is short, with a square head, a yellow and purple shirt, pink skin,
and three hairs)
EDDY: Hey, Double Dee! What took ya so long?
EDD: Oh. Hello, Eddy. (Smiling) What are ya doin'? (Thoughtful) Hey. Was that...
you ringing my doorbell?
EDDY: (Coming inside) Who, me? Naah!
(Edd closes the door)
(Edd opens the door to his room, and Eddy begins to enter. Edd blocks him)
EDD: Wait, Eddy. You know the rules.
(Edd and Eddy look at a box marked "SHOES". It has a pair of bunny slippers
inside, each labeled "SLIPPER". Edd holds them up to Eddy's face.)
EDDY: Aw, c'mon, Edd. Not again. (Edd waves the slippers. Eddy groans.) All
right. (Grabs the slippers) Sheesh! (Through gritted teeth) Stupid slippers...
(Eddy removes his shoes and puts on the slippers. Edd takes the shoes.)
EDD: I'll dispose of these.
(Edd drops Eddy's shoes in the SHOES box.)
EDDY: Okay. The slippers are on now-
(Edd vacuums Eddy's face. Eddy is annoyed, but can't speak.)
EDD: I'll have you clean in no time, Eddy. (Eddy's head disappears in the tube)
Almost done! (Edd vacuums Eddy's shirt, then turns the vacuum cleaner off)
EDDY: (Sarcastic) Gee. Thanks, Edd.
EDD: After you, Eddy.
EDDY: (Walking inside) Yeah. After me.
(Eddy stands in the doorway as Edd rushes off to keep labeling. After a second,
he runs to Edd's bed and starts bouncing on it.)
EDDY: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(Edd looks around)
EDD: (Freaking out) Eddy! (Runs to his bed and quickly neatens the sheets)
Messymessymessymessy. (The bed gleams briefly. Edd walks away. Eddy hasn't
landed) *Please* don't do that, Eddy.
(Eddy is attached to the ceiling. He falls down with a scream. He growls and
takes the label off one of his slippers, switching it with the "SACK" one on the
bed)
EDD: *Eddy*!
EDDY: Huh?
(Edd is still facing his desk)
EDD: Please return those labels to their rightful designations. (Labels the
"CHAIR")
EDDY: Alright, alright. Don't have a bird. (Replaces the label on the bed with
one reading "TOILET". He laughs.)(Wearily) Are ya done yet? Let's go get Ed!
EDD: (Holding a label above a magnifying glass shaped shilluette) Please be
patient. I have just one more- (Sees the shilluette and screams. He looks at the
shilluette and the "MAGNIFYING GLASS" label below it) It's gone... (scrapes the
shilluette and stares at his finger. Edd grabs Eddy's collar with his other
hand. Eddy looks bored) Edddyyy... Someone took my magnifying glass. I feel so
violated!
EDDY: Maybe you misplaced it.
EDD: (Posing dramatically, knocking Eddy over in the process) Never! What has
become of this world? (Leaning on his desk) Is nothing sacred? (Taking the skull
off his desk and pushing everyone in the bin) Oh, everything is soiled! Who
would do such a thing? (To the skull) Who would violate the sanctity of
someone's room? (Dropping the skull) With their filthy hands! (Leaning on Eddy's
head) Oh... I feel sick! (Breathes with difficulty) I feel nauseus! (Releasing
Eddy, who walks out of shot, and tugging his collar) I CAN'T BREEAATH! (Eddy
picks up Edd's bed. As Edd begins hyperventilating, Eddy smashes the bed over
his head. This, for some reason, calms him down) Thank you. I... needed that.
EDDY: Anytime, pal. You know, you can't have somebody touchin' your stuff. It
just i'n't right. Okay. Race ya to Ed's place!
(Edd and Eddy walk out the front door. Eddy leap frogs over Edd's head, and they
race cartoonishly down the road.)
(Edd and Eddy look into a basement window. Someone is sitting inside watching
TV)
EDDY: (Husky) There he is.
(The someone, Ed, laughs as he turns around. He is tall, with yellow skin, a
buzz cut, and a monobrow. He is wearing a green coat and a maroon and white
striped vest underneath. The walls of his room are covered in posters for B-
movies. Edd and Eddy are still looking through the window. Eddy jumps inside and
goes to follow him. He gets his fingers squashed instead, as the window closes.)
(Edd groans. Ed stares at a rotating skeleton on the screen.)
EDDY: (To Edd, who seems to be in considerable pain) Shh. Quit foolin' around!
(Eddy creeps up on Ed, and pounces. Without looking around, Ed grabs him and
gives him a noogie. Eddy struggles)
ED: Heeey, Edddyy! Haha, whhaat's uup?
EDD: Doggpiile!
(Edd flies through the air to land on Ed. As he does, a cartoon fight ensues, at
the end of which, Ed is also holding Edd and giving him a noogie)
ED: Oh, hi Edd-Double Dee! (Laughing) You guys make me laugh. (The room shakes
from loud footsteps and Ed stops. Edd and Eddy stop struggling) Hm?
(Things roll around. Sarah opens the door. She is younger than the Eds and has
long orange hair and a large mouth. She is the only character to have lips
without lipstick)
SARAH: (Growls in Ed's face) WHERE IS SHEEE?
ED: (Confused) What? Who?
Sarah: (more calmly) My dolly. Polly Poo-Poo, that's who! (On the verge of
tantrum, she leaps onto Ed's couch and starts biting it. She leaps onto the
ceiling and uses some spaceships hanging from the ceiling to keep her up) I-I
need my dolly. (Growls)
ED: But Sarah. I didn't touch her.
(Sarah jumps down onto Ed's head)
SARAH: Liar! (Jumps onto Ed's back and pulls on his head. Ed starts walking
crookedly around the room, with Edd and Eddy still under his arm) Don't you lie
to me, you dolly stealer!
EDDY: (Choked) You gotta love these family moments...
SARAH: If you don't tell me where she is, I'm gonna get *really* angry...
(Ed falls down. The introduced characters so far lie in a heap on the floor.
Sarah coughs, and falls off)
EDDY: Uh, Ed?
ED: Yah, Eddy?
EDDY: (Sweetly) As much as I really love the smell of your stinky pits, (Angry)
can ya let go of my head now?
EDD: (Lying on the floor facing Sarah) Ya know... (His eyes briefly become love
hearts) someone has... touched... my stuff... also.
SARAH: (Deadpan) Really.
(The characters are suddenly standing up)
EDDY: Don't you see what's going on here? It's epidemical! Double Dee's
magnifying glass, Sarah's doll, (Kicks Sarah away)
SARAH: Oo!
(Eddy paces)
EDDY: Someone, or something, is touching everybody's stuff. We gotta spread the
word! We have to warn everyone that there's a, a serial toucher on the loose!
ED: How are we going to do that, Eddy?
(Eddy's hairs become dollar signs for a second)
EDDY: Hey! I know just what to do! (Laughs)
(Eddy stands on a box outside, speaking through a traffic cone. Ed and Edd stand
near him, holding folders. The traffic cone deepens Eddy's voice)
EDDY: Attention please! (Kids talk) Hey! (All the cul-de-sac kids except Jonny
are standing on the road. They turn around) Beware of the Toucher!
KIDS: What?
EDDY: Serial toucher on the loose. Hide your stuff, (The kids except for Kevin
stand in a group, looking puzzled) hide your valuables,(Kids talk) serial
toucher on the loose.
(The kids are Jimmy, a boy the same age as Sarah, who currently has a band-aid
on his head, and a large retainer circling his head, and hair the same colour as
his skin; Nazz, a pretty blond girl who wears lipstick and wears a short white
top over her black top; Rolf, a tall blue haired boy with a yellow and red
shirt; Kevin, a bike-riding boy the same age as the Eds, who wears a red
backwards cap, a green shirt, and has a big chin; and Sarah.)
SARAH: That dirty Toucher took my Polly Poo-Poo!
(Kids scream)
JIMMY: It's true. Won't somebody help us?
(The kids talk at the same time. They seem to be agreeing, and Kevin is heard to
utter the word dork)
EDDY: (Waving his hand) Quiet! Quiet! Everyone just relax! We've got it all
under control.
(Kevin pokes his head into shot, covering the view of the other kids)
KEVIN: Yeah? Would could you dorks do about it?
KIDS: Yeah!
(Eddy puts his traffic cone into Kevin's face. Spit comes out the small end)
EDDY: Well, we "dorks" are gonna solve this mystery!
(Kevin pulls his head out of the traffic cone. Spit drips down his face)
KEVIN: Hah! I'd pay money to see that.
SARAH: (Arms folded) Me too.
(The kids agree. Again, Kevin says dork)
(The Eds stand alone in the alley. Eddy paces)
EDD: Wh-what do you propose we do now?
(Eddy appears behind Ed and Edd)
EDDY: Okay, boys, here's the lane, okay? We'll start here, then we'll cross the
street over by the corner store...
(Closeup on Ed, who's laughing. He continues until otherwise noted)
EDD: Uh, please do not move. This is delicate work.
(Zoom out to show that Edd and Eddy are tying something onto Ed's chest)
EDDY: (also laughing) There's no way the Toucher can resist this. (They've hung
a sign on Ed's chest, reading "DON'T TOUCH!") Perfect!
EDD: (Looking to the left) Someonescoming!
(Edd and Eddy dive behind a bush)
EDDY: Ed, don't move! Stop giggling!
(Ed stops laughing. Kevin rides past, slowing to look at Ed)
KEVIN: Dork!
(Kevin zooms off)
ED: Dork?
(Eddy pops up)
EDDY: Sh! Ed, somebody else is coming!
(Eddy hides again. Jonny walks into shot. He is younger than the Eds, and has a
buzz cut and a large head. He carries around Plank, a plank of wood with a face
clumsily drawn on.)
JONNY: Watch doin' Ed? Oh, Ed, I'm likin' your haircut. (Jonny extends his neck
to look at Ed's hair. His neck goes back to normal length, and he scratches his
head) What's that, Plank? (Puts Plank to his ear) Do you wanna feel too? O-kay.
(Jonny rubs Plank onto the side of Ed's head)
(Behind the bush, Edd is holding some string that was attached to Ed)
EDDY: (Attempting to whisper loudly) Ed's been touched! Pull! Pull! (Edd pulls.
Various alarms explode from behind Ed, knocking Jonny over) Ahah! (Edd and Eddy,
now out from behind the bush, point at Jonny) Doctor Toucher, I presume?
JONNY: Whoa, you guys are weird!
(Jonny grabs Plank and runs away to the right)
EDDY: Get'm!
(Edd and Eddy fall over, then take off after Jonny. Ed sits there for a second,
then runs to the left)
EDDY: (faint) C'mon! Ed, this way!
(Ed laughs, and runs to the right)
(Jonny runs down the lane, panting. The Eds follow)
EDDY: He's getting away. Follow me!
(Eddy runs towards a gate set in a fence. He jumps over. Edd follows, opening
it, and closing it hastily behind him. Ed stops short, and squeezes through a
hole in the gate slightly larger than his eye.)
(Eddy and Edd run behind a lamp post, completely disappearing, Road Runner
style. Ed runs into the lamp post a few times, and until Eddy reaches out and
grabs him. Jonny runs past desperately a few seconds later. The Eds each stick
their foot out and and trip him. Jonny screams as he falls on his face. He pants
a few times)
JONNY: (Weakly) They got me, old buddy, but you, you can still make it, (Throws
Plank into the air) Plank, ruuuunnn! (Plank falls onto Jonny's arms) Save
yourself. (Eddy grabs Jonny's shirt) Be niice... (Eddy yanks Jonny out of shot.
Ed picks up Plank)
(Jonny and Plank are tied up on separate chairs. Both have electrodes taped all
over their bodies. Jonny has one on his tongue, making his dialogue a little
indistinct. Ed approaches, shining a torch into Jonny's face)
ED: (menacing, drawing out his words) Hey Jonny, nice haircut. (Pointing) Double
Dee's got a surprise for you! (Edd has a computer, which appears to be attached
to a toaster. There are wires all over the place) A lie detector.
(Edd drops some bread into the toaster)
EDD: Ready.
ED: Better watch what you say, Jonny.
(Eddy approaches Jonny, wearing mirrored sunglasses. He has a bit of straw in
ihs mouth)
EDDY: (False friendly) Yeah, Jonny. (Sniggers) You wouldn't lie to your pals,
now would ya? (Takes the straw out of his mouth. One lens of his sunglasses pops
out. Eddy drops the good cop act, and his sunglasses) Ed! Light! (Ed throws the
light to Eddy. The screen goes completely black for a second, until Eddy takes
the flashlight off the floor. He shoves it into Jonny's face) Alright, Jonny,
enough foolin' around. (Picking the good cop act back up) So why don't you just
tell us where everybody's stuff is, hmm?
JONNY: I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't do anything!
EDDY: What's the word, Double Dee?
(Edd sniffs the smoke rising from the toaster)
EDD: Inconclusive, Eddy
(Eddy growls in frustration)
EDDY: Well, if you won't talk, maybe your friend will. (Menacing, to Plank) You
must be the brains, uh? (Plank remains silent, being a plank of wood. Eddy
shifts from bad cop to rabid cop) Where's the stuff, Planky? Fess up! (Plank
still doesn't react. Eddy goes back to bad cop) Ah. Silent, uh? (Eddy casually
slaps Plank, the screams bloodcurdlingly, his hand throbbing) SPLIN'ERS!
JONNY: (groaning) Leave Plank alone, Eddy!
(The toast pops up. Edd sniffs it, as Ed and Eddy pay attention. Edd rushes to
his computer, types on it, then turns the screen to face the viewer. There
appears to be a scatter graph on the screen, with the majority of spots making
up the words "false".)
EDD: As you can see, the board is lying!
(Closeup on Plank)
EDDY: Well, Planky? (Holding up a water gun) I think it's time we tried other
methods.
JONNY: Huh?
EDDY: This, will make ya swell up good.
(Eddy squeezes the trigger. A drop of water falls onto Plank. This continues.)
(Jonny looks terrified. His faces twitches. Eddy continues dripping water onto
Plank. Jonny groans. Eddy smirks. Jonny tries not to listen to the dripping. He
groans in time with the dripping. His gut starts making bubbling noises. He
crosses his legs desperately. Jonny's eyes fill up with water, causing his
pupils to float to the top. He tries to cross his legs further than they go. He
screams weakly.)
JONNY: (Speaking clearly again) Okay, okay! I did it! I took everyone's stuff!
Now let me go, I've gotta go to the baathrooom!
EDDY: (Smirking) You heard'm boys. (Snaps fingers) Case closed.
(Jonny bounces around outside in a large tire. He isn't enjoying it. Eddy
jingles a jar full of money.)
EDDY: So, boys, what's big, round, costs a nickel..?
(Ed and Eddy put an arm around each other's shoulders and wave the other arm
happily)
ED and EDD: (Ecstatic) JAWBREAKERS!
EDDY: Now awaaaay we go! (Bumps into Sarah and Jimmy. Jimmy now has a bandage on
his nose)
SARAH: Now wait just one minute. I found my dolly, under my bed.
JIMMY: (nasal) It's true. And here, (Holds out dolly) she is, see.
EDD: (Guiltily) Excuse me, Eddy. (He has his hands behind his back) Um. On
further inspection of my person, I seem to have come across, (Holds up
magnifying glass) my magnifying glass.
(The Eds stare guiltily at Jonny, who's still in the tire. Eddy laughs, and
holds out the jar. Ed and Edd brighten)
(Sarah and Jimmy walk along. Sarah is pushing the tire that contains Jonny)
SARAH: (To Jimmy) That Eddy thinks he's so smart. (Kindly) We know you didn't do
it, Jonny.
JONNY: Can't... move...
SARAH: Hang tight, Jonny. (Pushing Jonny down the hill) This won't hurt a bit.
JONNY: Whoooaaa....
(The Eds enjoy their jawbreakers, which are twice the size of their heads. They
stand in front of the candy store, in a puddle of their spit)
EDDY: This is good.
EDD: Should we feel guilty about Jonny's predicament?
EDDY: Nah. You know what they say. A little childhood trauma builds character.
(Jonny rolls right at them, tripping them. Eddy screams. The Jawbreakers come
out of their mouths and roll away.)
(The Eds chase their jawbreakers against a dusk sky)
ED: Jawbreaker jawbreaker!
EDDY: Gotta get the jawbreaker!
(Iris out on the Eds)
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