Blue - Jace
Purple - Jen
Red - Skate
Green - All Three

Darth Ane smiled as Jace Sidrona, JeniViolet, and Skatepulsar walked into view. They weren't near him, of course, they were all stuck in space, trapped inside the steel walls of the Satellite of Love. Their job up on the Satellite of Love was simple...they were going to watch horrible movies until they submitted their will to Ane and joined him in his bid to rule the galaxy!

Behind him stood Code, his small little religious buddy. The little man fidgeted nervously.

"Today," Ane said to Jace, Jen, and Skate, "I found THE worst movie to ever grace any movie screen. In fact, after the movie was released in theaters, the cast and crew were hunted down and executed. After it is done, you will bow to me, and you shall join my army."

"Uh, if you say so, Ane..." Jace said, "...but remember, we already watched Star Wars: Episode 1....it doesn't get much worse than that."

"Ah, but this movie puts even The Phantom Menace to shame...You are going to be forced to watch..." He paused dramatically. "...Sith Squadron."

"ACK!" Jen yelled. "But WE'RE Sith Squadron!"

Ane chuckled. "Yes, I know. I am hoping the irony alone will defeat you. Now...are you ready?"

"Well, not really..." Skate muttered.

"Too bad!" Ane yelled as he pulled the lever. Off in the Satellite of Love sirens began to go off and the three Siths started to run around waving their arms like idiots.

"Ahhhh! We got Movie Signs!" Jace yelled.

Jen smacked him in the head and yelled, "It's Movie Sign, dickweed! No S!"

Suddenly the doors to the theater opened and the cheesy special effects played. Jace, Jen, and Skate walked into the theater and took their seats, creating a silhouette of three shadows against the large movie screen. They mentally prepared themselves for the worst...

Zak sat and waited.

"And waited and waited," Jace interrupted.

That's all ever did.

"Zak needs to get a life," Jen put in.

He waited all his life for a position here, an opening there. Never really doing what he wanted to do, which was be a fighter pilot. He had flown all his life. Having grown up on the backwater planet of Howell...

"Wasn't Howell a pitcher for the Oakland A's?" Skate asked.

"No, I think he means like a wolf's howl."

"Quiet or you're going to make me miss the plot!"

"This thing has a plot?"

"Well I don't know. You keep disrupting this fine film."

...he had learned to fly and pilot all sorts of craft...

"Whoop de shit."

..He worked for his father who produced high amounts of steel. On the planet of Howell anyway.

The intercom beeped and startled Zak back to reality.

"Coruscant to Zak...come in. Wake up!"

He noted the clerk and her blank expression. "She must really love her job," he thought to himself.

"Or she could just be really dumb" Jen said.

"Let me tell ya." He glanced at the time. It felt like he had been there hours.

"But it had only been seconds..."

There was a reason for that, he had been...

"Sleeping?"

The clerk spoke into her com unit and looked at him. "The Admiral will see you now." she said.

Zak nodded and stood up. He walked over to the door and pressed the activation button. The door slid open revealing a large open room with a desk in the center and numerous pictures and awards covering the walls.

"Hey, this is Dr. Kevorkian's office..."

And seated at the desk was Admiral Antilles.

"DOUG Antilles."

His father was Wedge Antilles, possibility one of the greatest X-Wing pilots who ever flew.

"Or crashed."

Zak had read much about the man. His career, personal life, flying tactics, squadrons, military career, you name it.

"What was in his trash can...what kind of underwear he wore...what kind of soap he used to wash his..."

"HEY!"

The Antilles family had its name forever engraved in history.

"Yeah, in Wedge's rebellious days he used Luke's lightsaber to carve his name on the side of the Museum of Galactic History."

"Please, sit down Lieutenant Tucker," The Admiral casually commented.

"What kind of Star Wars name is Zak Tucker anyway?"

"A bad one...but don't worry, it gets worse real quick."

Unlike his father, Tracie had decided to work for a fleet command position instead of flying a starfighter.

"Probably because he would've gotten his ass kicked with a name like Tracie."

"I'm sure he got his ass kicked anyways."

Instead of taking a seat, Zak fell to parade rest. "Thank you sir, but I shall stand if its all the same."

"What, LIEUTENANT, are you too good for the ADMIRAL?"

Antilles studied Tucker for a moment and a smirk crossed his face.

"Nice...now turn around for me baby..."

"Very well," he mused. "Stand if you like. I understand you have recently flown with Nova Squadron. After graduating the New Republic Starfighter Command Academy you tried to join any fighter squad you could. You flew transports for various ships and even served on the Mon Calamari cruiser Mon Remonda.

"Not that this whole movie isn't a farce, but he's being technically inaccurate already. The Mon Remonda was destroyed by the World Devastator Silencer-7 during the Second Battle of Calamari during the campaign of the resurrected Emperor Palpatine six years after Endor..."

"Thank you, Jace, that's enough for now."

"Yeah, you can shut up now."

"But..."

"Watch the movie or you might miss an important plot twist!"

"Your career is clean and uncut but you never can seem to be accepted by a squadron."

"That's because he's a belligerent drunk and a complete jackass!"

"Yeah, but if this was the real Sith Squadron that would be a plus..."

"Another reason this movie should be burned, it's ashes spread so far across space it couldn't be put together in a million lifetimes."

Antilles paused for a moment. "Why do you suppose that is Lieutenant?" He finally asked.

"Cuz I'm dumb?"

Zak stood there, thinking of an answer to give the Admiral. "I do not know," he finally said.

"Liar!"

"Only that I feel like I am a good pilot and I should be given a fair chance."
The Admiral studied him for a moment...

"Great butt...no brains...but great butt..."

...and finally spoke. "Let me introduce you to someone Lieutenant."

"This is giant flaming jackass."

"I'll take Bachelor Number One."

At that moment a door slid open and in walked a tall well built man. he looked familiar to Zak but he wasn't sure. "Allow me to introduce Commander Owen formally of Wraith Squadron."

"No real Wraith would ever be named OWEN...they'd kick his ass for it. XCantinaX is a moron..."

Zak hoped to attention and saluted. "Sir!"

"At easy Lieutenant," he casually stated.

"Didn't he mean 'At ease'?"

"Sigh...knowing this movie, probably not."

"You have been brought here for a reason son."

"You were a bad boy and need a spanking."

"I wish to see how good a pilot you are. That is, if you are up to the challenge."

"Well, I was going to do my laundry today, but..."

The young Lieutenant thought for a moment, not wanting to rush into something. "Yes sir," he finally said. "I am up to it. What exactly would I be doing, sir?"

"Does the name Lewinsky remind you of anything?"

The Commander smiled and said, "Oh, you will like it."

"Uh huh..."

"You are one of eleven that have been selected to assist me."

"ORGY!"

"I know you will do well."

::Jace snickers::

With that, he saluted and said, "Dismissed."

Zak saluted to both officers and marched from the room. After the door had closed behind him, he let out a sigh of relief and slumped. What had he gotten himself into?

"Headache? Try Nuprin...Little...Yellow...Different."

* * *

Admiral Antilles finally stood and strode from behind his desk

"Hey, he wasn't wearing pants!"

"Do you think he will join?" He asked Owen.

"Possibly, hopefully..."

"Maybe, perhaps, I don't know, who cares? I'm not wearing pants and let's go get a drink."

"He's a good pilot but he questions orders and pops off in situations. I think I can change that about him." he said with a sly grin.

"A few lashes with my electro whip will cure him..."

"Let's hope you can," Antilles said. "Let's hope you can..."

"So what about that drink now?"

Michael gazed out of the viewport down onto the city below.

"Oh not another dumb name..."

"Trust me...it gets worse."

"Wait...what's wrong with Michael? I think it's a good na..."

"Shut up, Jace."

Life was hard. Nothing had ever seemed to go his way. He always came in last, got the bad end of the stick, was never rewarded.

"Aww...I'll give you a doggie treat if you can sit. C'mon...sit boy, sit!"

All that was about to change.

He turned back to the table in the room. He picked up his mug of Corellian Ale and sipped it.

"Booze, it's what's for dinner!"

As he gazed down on the table, he did not think about the drink, but the letter he received only days before and meeting only hours before.

"Dear Michael...stop writing to us, Penthouse, we don't want your stupid letters anymore, we're just not interested in Wookiee porn..."

Commander Owen had said he was chosen. Chosen... Never was Michael ever chosen...

"...first for kickball...he was always last, even behind the girls."

...unless it was for clean up duty. True, he was not the best pilot in Starfighter Command...

"Well THAT much is obvious, even without seeing him fly..."

...but he could hold his own.

::Jace snickers::

"What are you laughing at?"

"Just trying to picture what it is of Michael's that he holds..."

"Damnit Jace, grow up."

"Actually...now I'm kinda wondering..."

He had to decide. Decide to go. Decide to do something else. He didn't care either way. After what happened to him... to her, his life had not been the same.

"Circus accident."

"Ohhhhhh"

He sat on the couch and placed his mug on the table. How could he go on like this? Why should he? He shook the thought away. "No, Crystal would have wanted me to make something of myself. She would hate to know what's become of me." he thought to himself.

"Crystal...Star?"

"Ewww, I hope not!"

He sighed and stood. He checked his watch and realized he should start to get ready. There was a group of cadets getting together for a party that night and he didn't want to be late.

* * *

"Woo hoo!!" was the sound heard inside the speeder bike.

"Wow, it must hurt to squeeze two people inside of a speeder bike."

"No more than it's hurting us to watch this movie."

"By the Force Lindsay..."

"By the Power of Grayskull!"

"...slow down!" shouted Steph at the top of her lungs. "You're going to kill us!"

"God I hope so...then maybe this movie will end!"

The speeder fish tailed around the next turn and nearly ran into another speeder.

"Relax," Lindsay casually commented. "I know what I'm doing."

"You're not the first person I've killed in a speeder crash, ya know."

"Well, that's great and all but do you think the police know you know what your doing?"

Lindsay looked back behind her and saw the flashing lights of the police lights behind
her.

"Quickly...hide the coke under the seat and pretend I'm Santa Clause and you're my elf!"

"Uh, no officer...this is just snow from the North Pole. Uhhh...it's my wife's sleigh!"

"Oh crap! Don't worry... uh Steph, hang on!" She hit the brakes and cut the corner.

"Geez!" The speeder almost went all the way around with her. The cop was still on her tail and gaining fast. She turned down alley ways, ran lights, and weaved in and out of traffic. The cop was still there.

"Crazy sober drivers!"

"He's gaining on us Lindsay!" shouted Steph. "Oh great, there's another one now."

"Two more, you mean. Oh wait, are we talking about stupid Star Wars names again...?"

"Don't worry, it only goes downhill from here..."

"Where, where!? I can't see him!"

"That's because your eyes are closed, silly."

But he was there. They came up from both directions.

With that, all 3 speeders came to a stop. Lindsay felt the tightness in her stomach...

"Cramps."

"Uh-huh."

"What?"

"Nothing, Jace, just be a good little boy and watch the movie."

...she had been caught.

The officer strolled up to the speeder's window. "Step out of the vehicle if you would please..."

"Actually, I'd rather not, ya know...since you're giving me an option here..."

"...Now!" he boomed.

"...oh, okay, never mind. Yeah, I guess so, why not? "

Lindsay slowly stepped out of the transport. "I am rea....." she trailed off and never finished.

"Oh he's just so cute!"

There he stood, a man from her past. But how!?

"Hello Lindsay," Commander Owen said. "You are a hard woman to catch up with." He smiled.

"Too cute...losing...consciousness...eh, screw it."

With that, Lindsay fainted.

* * *

A smile spread across Daniel's face as he slowly slid his TIE Interceptor through the asteroid field.

"Is that like supposed to be some kind of sexual metaphor? He slowly slid his TIE..."

"Shut up, Jace."

He was looking... he was out there but not alone.

"The Partridge Family was with him."

The sensors showed no other signs of another craft but he knew they were out there. The sensors weren't broken, just that his opponent was good.

"That's not Mr. Radar! You're looking at Mr. Coffee!"

Suddenly, without warning, the target alert sounded. Quickly, Daniel juked his Squint to the right. He looked back and saw nothing. "Blast it!" he said to himself. "He's toying with me." He shook his head. He risked a glance away from the view port... and realized he made a mistake.

"Is that supposed to be like..."

"Shut up!"

"By the Force!..."

"By the Power of Grayskull!"

...he screamed as he looked up to see a X-Wing coming at him in a head on collision. The X-Wing fired and rolled to the left only inches from the TIE. The lasers bounced off the TIE's shields and Daniel swore under his breath. He never had time to swing back around for a counter attack for the X-Wing was on his tail.

"Give it up," came a cold voice. "You can not win this time." The X-Wing got a lock and two torps flew from the X-Wing and slammed into the Squint.

Inside the Squint, the last thing Daniel saw was blackness.

"Oh, he passed out again. Too much alcohol. Hey, maybe they CAN be real Siths..."

Then the top hatch opened and he saw the face of Adam, his fellow pilot.

"Nice try yet again Daniel." Adam said with a smile. "Maybe next time I will let you have a A-Wing and I will take a blastboat... haha!"

"Ha ha!"

"Why are we laughing?"

"Cuz this movie sucks!"

"Yeah well," Daniel protested...

"No 'Yeah, well" about it....it sucks."

"I am preoccupied right now. Things have been bugging me."

"I have the sudden urge to get a job working for the postal service so I can shoot things. Do you know if UPS is hiring?"

He started to walk off but paused and looked at Adam. "I will meet up with you tonight, at the party." He waved and left.

"Yeah, I'll see you later. We can get drunk, dress up in monkey suits and go parading around the streets of Coruscant yelling at the top of our lungs. You know, a typical Friday..."

"Poor guy," Adam said aloud. "He just can't get over Beth."

"More dumb names..."

He shrugged and left the simulation room. He had gotten as far as his transport when he noticed a speeder go flying by pursued by cops.

"Crazy sober drivers!"

"Wow, they must really be after that guy." he said in amazement.

"No shit, Olie."

With that, he close his transport door and departed for home.

The music blared from the dance hall. Flashing strobe lights and colorful and bright neon lights were all over the room.

"Stayin' alive, stayin' alive oh oh oh oh stayin' aliiiiiiiive..."

"Disco Stu loves disco music."

The party started only 20 minutes ago but it looked like it has been going for hours. Drinks of all flavors, foods of all quality, and smoke of all smells surrounded the place.

"Housekeeping is gonna be pissed..."

When cadets had fun, they had fun. Except for a few such cadets who kept to themselves.

Doug hung back with Brian and Chris.

"So you guys...twenty minutes, my room, hmm?"

"I hope all three of them die...and the other people who have been in the story so far. Oh yeah, and anyone else who is going to BE in the story..."

They were the "nobodies" of the place.

"I though they were all "nobodies"?"

No one wanted to be with them and they didn't want to be with anyone. Why they followed the advice of the friend Porter and came, they never knew. One thing was certain, however, if they didn't leave before everyone got drunk, they were in trouble. They decided to make small talk for the time being.

They decided to make small talk for the time being.

"Why would you leave a party BEFORE everyone is drunk? I...don't understand."

"This is why they are not REAL Siths..."

"So did you hear," Chris said excitedly...

"I got my tonsils out!"

"I am being transferred and I am being picked up by a squadron!"

"And I am talking really funny and I am looking really funny and I am probably going die in the first dogfight, I am."

"That's great," Doug said. "What squadron and ship?"

"It's called Wild Squadron. It's a group of Star-wings out of the Unlimited Fleet."

"A Star-wing? Now he's just making shit up."

"Now wait...no fleet is Unlimited...maybe Shitload of Ships Fleet? But not unlimited..."

He hoped up and down showing signs of excitement. "I can't wait... I have a call sign too: Wild 6."

"Whoop de shit. I'm the Wild One!"

"Well..." Brian said putting a hand on Chris' shoulder.

"Are we still going to my room?"

"...good luck."

"I ship out tomorrow. I sure will miss you guys."

"Yeah...those long walks on the beach...romantic candle lit dinners..."

He sighed then cheered up. "So, what kinda positions do you guys got lined up?"

"Well if you have to ask that then I don't know if we should be going to my room...oh! Oh, you mean career wise! Uh, nothing..."

Brian almost sighed and said, "Nothing yet. Just putting in applications till I find something..."

"I'm hoping for a job at K-Mart, but so far they haven't returned my call..."

"...How about you Doug?"

"Me?" he asked. "I got a letter yesterday from Admiral Antilles. He wants to see me."
The other two laughed aloud.

"Just don't go behind his desk while he's talking to you...sniff sniff...I made that mistake..."

Finally when they stopped, Brian spoke up, "Why would he want to see you?"

"I don't know," retorted Doug. "I'm not the Admiral."

"Wow, he's smarter than I gave him credit for."

At that moment, an intoxicated cadet stumbled by.

"Well if it isn't Biggs Corpselighter!"

"What up, meat?"

"C'mon guys, I'll be okay up there...cut it out."

"You little dorks." he laughed. "Worthless cadets. Why don't you just go home to mommy... hahaha!" Then, he shattered his bottle over Brian's head. Doug and Chris only backed away. The drunken cadet was about to strike with his fist when a hand caught his in midair. The next thing he knew, he was back handed and knocked on his face. A knee was shoved into his back and he heard a deep voice in his ear. "You move, and I will break you spine. Do you understand?"

"Nanoo..."

"Yea... ahh... it hurts..." he mustered out.

Finally, a couple of his friends showed up and drug him away, promising to sober him up.

"Thank you," Doug told the man. "I'm Doug Barnwell, Flight Cadet in Starfighter Academy."

"I'm a fifteen year old French prostitute with webbed feet named Chloe."

"Pleasure to meet you. I'm Flight Officer Michael Hicks." He shook the younger pilots hand. "What was that all about?"

"Oh nothing...he just disagreed when we said that a Yanni/Hanson concert would rock!"

"He was drunk. Nothing major I guess. I hope Brian will be all right though." he said solemnly.

"He didn't spell all right correctly...he's an illiterate moron, as well as a bad writer."

"You sound like you get picked on often." Michael replied.

"You look like it, too."

"I do... we all do, but I'm hoping that will change."

"Yeah, I'll fix their wagons real good..."

"Well, I must be off. Nice meeting you cadet." He gave a mock salute.

"Thank you sir." He saluted then turned back to Brian and Chris. "Well," he said. "At least we got a friend..."

"Now, off to my room, hmm?"

* * *

Zak sat at the bar and sipped his Forvish Ale. Things are not always what they seem. He always thought that. He scanned across the dance hall at all the people there. He saw people dancing, playing games, talking, eating, or just having fun. He sometimes wished he could be a part of it. He pulled the captain bars from his pocket and looked at them. When he accepted the new command, he was informed that he would be the XO.

"Now what dumbass made that decision?"

"Probably the same dumbass who wrote this story..."

Not bad, he thought. I didn't even try. He heard a commotion across the room and noticed two men in a brawl.. He decided not to interfere.

"Rough crowd... a' captain?" said the bartender from nowhere.

Zak looked up, started at first but turned back to the room. "Yeah, I guess so. This is the last big convention for most of these kids. They will be shipped off or shuffled around to another assignment and may never hear from each other ever again." Zak sipped some of his Ale. "I was once like that myself ya know. But I grew out of it."

"Just like my shoes..."

"You miss it," said the tender, wiping the counter top. "You still want to be a young cadet and not some," he pointed at the rank bars," old captain that you and your peers mocked when you flew as a Flight Officer."

"No, I just miss being able to get drunk and do the Macarena with twenty complete strangers and wake up on a different planet wearing a boy scout uniform and a bad hangover."

"Headache? Try Nuprin...Little...Yellow...Different."

Zak grinned. He was half right, but of course, that meant he was half wrong. "What's you name bartender?"

"Well, following in the tradition of the super crappy and unimaginative names in this super crappy and unimaginative story, I'm gonna have to guess....Billy."

My name's Dee..."

"Williams!"

"...at least, that's what everyone calls me." He gave a bit of a laugh...

"Ha ha!"

...and poured a patron a glass of something. "What do they call you captain?"

"Dipshit...loser...dickweed...jagoff....jeez man, the list just goes on and on..."

"Tucker, Zak Tucker..."

"Bond. James Bond."

"You can just call me Zak."

"Well, Zak it is." He looked over Zak's shoulder and suddenly panicked.

"Oh no, it's the health inspector! Quickly, pretend that roach DIDN'T just crawl out of your drink!"

"Get down!!"

Zak jumped over the bar just in time to hear an explosion rattle the dance hall. The next thing he knew, he felt heat, smelt smoke, heard screams, and saw... nothing...

"Heat...smoke...screams...hmm, is that a metaphor for.."

"Jace..."

"Sorry."

Zak awoke in the hospital. He had no idea which one, how he got there and who was with him. He had no sense of time and had no clue how long he had been there. He looked up to see a nurse standing over him.

"Ooh, I woke up in a porno movie. Is this Naughty Nurses IV?"

"How long have I been here," he muttered out.

"Oh, I don't know...four...five hundred years? How ya feelin'?"

"Since last night. Don't worry, you're all right." she assured him. "Just a few cuts and a possible concussion. You checked out." Then she turned and went back to her work.

"You will be free to go after the doctor checks you out."

"I thought checking him out was Antilles job..."

"She turned to the door just as it opened. "It appears you have a visitor. I will leave you now. Call if you need anything Mr. Tucker."

Commander Owen moved out of the way as the nurse walked out the door. "It seems you had a wild evening." the Commander said.

"Yeah...went to the Antiques Roadshow...caught a British mystery on BBC...got blown up...the usual."

"Will you be all right?"

Zak sat up. "Don't worry about me," he said.

"Sniff sniff...no one does..."

"but what about everyone else.. what happened?"

Owen shook his head. "It was a planted explosive. We caught the guys who did it too."

"It was Regis and Kathy Lee, huh?"

"Seems they had a little run in with some cadets and decided to get them back. They were so drunk in fact that one of their own killed himself in the explosion. The only casualty in fact. A lot were hospitalized and it seems some cadets wont fly a starfighter after last night."

"And most shouldn't have been flying them in the first place, so..."

He paused. Finally, with regretion in his voice....

"Regretion? Oh man, I won't even start with that one..."

"Whatever happened to spell check?"

...he said, "It's a shame really. Anyway, enough about that. Let's get the doctor in here to check you out. We got work to do Captain."

"Yeah, the lawn needs mowing and you still have to wash the dishes after dinner."

Owen and Zak strolled into the briefing room. There were two individuals already sitting at the table. Two female individuals. They both stood and hoped to attention.

"Your choice, Zak...you want the first one or the second one?"

"As you were." Owen stated. "I would like to introduce you two. This, "he pointed to Zak, "is Captain Zak Tucker. He is the squadron's XO."

"We're sooo screwed."

He turned back to Zak and pointed at the two women. "This is Flight Officer Lindsay Tillery and Steph Gowan. I've had the pleasure of knowing Officer Tillery before I met her yesterday."

"Wait...you knew her before you met her yesterday? Does that..."

"Make sense? Nothing here has, Jace..."

He addressed them all, "I hope you get to know each other. You will be serving together for a long time... unless you drop out that is."

"Or get blown up...which ever comes first."

"A pleasure to meet you Captain," Lindsay said. "Steph feels the same way."

Zak looked puzzled.

"Is this supposed to be news?"

"Why do you speak for her?"

"She's a blind, deaf, mute, ugly, stupid Wookiee dressed up as a human...duh!"

Lindsay looked at Steph and back to Zak. "She has a problem with talking to people she doesn't know." She shrugged. "That's just how she is."

"Yeah, most blind, deaf, mute, ugly, stupid Wookiee's dressed up like humans are like that. Go figure."

"Well," he said, "I hope she eventually gets to know me well enough."

"My room is four doors down...yeah, just thought I'd let you know that...heh heh..."

He smiled and turned back to Lindsay. "So, have you met any other of the new pilots that have been selected?" he asked her.

"Nanoo..."

"No," she replied, "Just you and the Commander." She looked around the room and noted the 13 seated table. "Maybe," she speculated, "they are going to show up here."

"Well no shit, Olie. What gave you that impression?"

Zak thought. "Possibly. I just hope everyone is sane."

"Well...they chose ME as the XO so..."

That gave Lindsay a troubled thought. "What does that mean?" she asked him worriedly.

"Well, I'm afraid everyone is as stupid as I am..."

"Well... " he started to answer but never finished.

"Ten-hut!" came Commander Owens booming voice.

"Jabba the Hutt!"

"Durga the Hutt!"

"Pizza the Hutt!"

"Officer on deck"

"The poop deck!"

Filing in from the door was a line of pilots from Starfighter Command.

"It's the Starfighter Command Marching Band!"

"Do do DOO!"

Zak, Lindsay, and Steph had never seen any of these pilots and they had never seen each other either.

"Isn't that kind of repetitive?"

"Kind of?"

"Please take a seat at your selected seats please." The Commander said.

"Okay...tall people in the back, short people in front. Remember, smile for the camera and no flipping it off."

"Awww..."

They all sat and waited.

"And waited and waited."

In came the last guest or was it the host?

"It's the Beer Guy!"

"WAHOO!"

Whatever his title, he was Admiral Antilles of the New Republic Space Forces. Zak knew he had to be behind their gathering.

"Whatever his title, he was Admiral Antilles? Uhhh....should I?"

"No need, Jace. That one was too easy."

"I would like to thank you all for coming here. I am Admiral Antilles of the New Republic Space Forces. This, as you know, is Commander Owen. You have been gathered to form a new and interesting squadron."

"ODD Squadron...?"

"No, this squad actually got a story finished. A bad one, but a story nevertheless."

"Of course, were getting ahead of ourselves. I will turn it over to Commander Owen." He turned to the Commander, nodded, and took a seat.

"Your turn, big boy. If you do good you can have a cookie."

"Thank you Admiral." he said. "First, I would like for you all to state your name, rank, and where your from so everyone will get to know each other."

"Also, if you're female if you wouldn't mind leaving your phone number..."

He looked at Zak. "We shall start with you."

Zak stood. "Captain Zak Tucker, XO, from Corellia."

"The stick up my ass has a stick up it's ass."

The pilots stood each down the row and stated their name, rank, and home world. "Lieutenant Adam Craiger from Bespin. They call me Beetle."

"Beetle Baily, sir!"

"Lieutenant Nicole Vest from Dathomir."

"ALL MEN HERE BELONG TO ME! I AM FROM DATHOMIR AND I AM A BITCH,..ER...WITCH!"

"Flight Officer Lindsay Tillery from Chandrila."

"Flight Officer Steph Gowan from Chandrila."

"Hi...we're from Chandrila. And this one time at Band Camp..."

"Flight Officer Michael Hicks from Alderaan."

"Hi...my name is Michael...and I have a problem. Wait...this isn't the AA Meeting?"

"Flight Officer Daniel Peterson from Bespin."

"I'M NOT A SPY!."

"Flight Officer Michelle Hale from Coruscant."

"WOW! Look at her head...it's HUGE! She must be related to Brak."

"WOW! Look at her breasts...they're HUGE! She's got a lovely pair of coconuts, deedly dee, there they just bouncing up and down, bump de bump de bump...big ones, bigger ones, ones as big as my head!"

"Flight Officer Adam Green from Sluis Van. They call me Screech."

"So that's what he did after Saved by the Bell...man, what a downgrade for him."

"Flight Officer Laura Cain from Contruum."

"Condom? Gee...wonder who the resident slut is?'

"Flight Cadet Doug Barnwell from Coruscant."

"DOUG Barnwe...oh wait, nevermind."

"Hey...where, might I ask, are the aliens here?"

"Huh? Human...human...human...human...hey, you're right. Commander Owen and Admiral Antilles must be a bigots. In addition to being pantless."

"How could you make a squadron with no aliens? A funny alien with a weird quirk in his personality and homeworld is a MUST in ANY squadron. Hell...even WE have a Bothan. Ooryl had his first person talking...Runt with his minds...Khe-Jeen Slee and his people's weird mating/childbirth rituals...what kind of squad doesn't have a weird alien? Hello? Diversity, people! What, are we back in the 60's?"

"Jace, you're missing the movie."

"Movie? Oh! Yeah..."

After the introductions were finished, Commander Owen stood and addressed the room.

"Four score and seven years ago..."

"...in a day that will live in infamy...

"...I had a dream!"

"I know you all seem a bit confused about some of this."

"No, it's just dickweed, er, Zak."

"Beings pulled from your various locations or positions and being reassigned but I assure you, you all have been selected for a reason."

"ORGY!"

He paused and looked around the room.

"Oyah! Y'all will do jes' fiiiine."

"You all need to start making preparations for departure. We will be going to a secret training facility for the next few months."

"Okay, so it's in the next room over and we'll only be there for an hour and a half...that's what happens when you elect Jar Jar Binks as your Chief of State."

"We will have no contact with the outside universe."

"No AOL?! ACK!"

The reactions were minimal.

"So was their thought process."

"Begin your preparations for your departure. Dismissed."

The pilots got up and left with quizzical expressions on the faces. What was that all about? All they knew was that they were leaving to some unknown place for some unknown reason.

"Wow...they're brilliant."

Zak thought to himself, "What have I gotten myself into..."

"Headache? Try Nuprin...Little...Yellow...Different."

"Commander," the Admiral said. "A fine bunch. They do posses all the skills that are necessary, correct?"

"No, actually, they're not pilots. We just picked up random drunks on the street and promised them alcohol if they sat through a boring ass meeting."

"Indeed Admiral." came Owen. "They will make their names a part of the elite such as
Rogue Squadron has." He smiled. "A fine selection if I must say."

"Well you don't have to, so don't."

"Now," Antilles said putting up a finger, "Where are the problems?"

Owen thought for a second. "For one, some races are going to be upset because they are all human. Also, I do not personally like mixed sexes. It sometimes causes problems"

"Ah, so besides being pantless, Owen is racist AND sexist. Hasn't he heard of the Woman's Movement? Shit, they'd have his ass nailed to a wall for that. And I know Fey'lya wouldn't let any type of squad be formed that didn't have a Bothan in it. It just ain't PC. What ever happened to equal rights, ya know?"

"Damnit, Jace, you talk too much...even FOR MST3K."

He shrugged. "Aside from that, nothing we can't work on in the squadron."

"Good. I would hate to think things wouldn't work out."

"So don't think it...it WON'T work out....but it'll be okay as long as you don't think it."

"I had better leave Admiral. I must prepare some things for the squadron."

"I'm making brownies and hot chocolate."

Antilles looked at him. "What do you plan on calling it?"

"Brunch? I don't know...I'm going to serve it between lunch and breakfast so that seems fitting...oh, you meant the squadron!"

Owen thought for a moment. "Sith Squadron. To strike fear in all being who oppose us."

"Truth is he meant "Shit Squadron", but was just too dumb to spell shit right."

Antilles smiled. "Excellent." He waved at the door as it opened.

"And the door didn't wave back...::shakes head::...now that was just plain rude of him!"

"Dismissed Commander and good... I mean, may the Force be with you."

"Shit kid, you're gonna need it."

They all filed from the room. As they left the room, they all studied one another and tried to make something of the situation.

"Hey there, baby."

"Hmm...no, no you're way too ugly for me."

Lindsay and Steph went up to Michelle. "Hi." Lindsay said to her.

"Hi, I'm ditzy!"

She introduced herself and Steph. "It's going to be fun serving with a squadron again."

"Yeah," Michelle said. "I am just confused about this secret training facility." She shrugged. "I guess we will find out soon enough."

"I hope so," said Lindsay. "I do not want to be kept in the dark for long." She looked up at the new visitor. It was Nicole.

"Hi. I'm Nicole." She introduced herself to the group. They looked at her and at each other. They knew the rumors about Lieutenant Vest but had no proof.

"Yeah, she had her dress cleaned the next day and President Clinton denied the whole thing."

They were afraid...

"They shouldn't be...I don't see Linda Tripp anywhere."

"Don't worry, even though this mysterious incident with Nicole seems to have everyone scared, they won't ever explain what it is."

Doug ran up to Michael waving. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Remember me?"

"No, should I?"

Michael grinned and greeted him. "Sure I do. How is your friends?"

"Someone didn't pay attention when they taught Basic in elementary school."

"Lord Teacher Thunder would give him an F!"

"They are okay," he replied. "Chris is mad though. He says he will get them back when he gets his Star-wing."

"Were we supposed to remember these people?"

"Yeah," Michael said while giving off a small laugh. "Say, do you know that those guys are the same ones who planted that bomb?"

Doug shook his head. "I didn't know that. I wonder," he speculated, "who gave them the explosive."

"Probably that bigot Owen trying to get rid of more female alien scum..."

"Good question Cadet. Let's see if we can find out." Michael noticed that there was a little convention of most the females of the squadron were in a huddle.

"Okay...time to test out my manly charm. Hey, does my breath smell?"

He looked for the captain to see if he could shed any light on their investigation but he had already left. Then he noticed Daniel and Beetle talking amongst themselves. He headed in their direction with Doug following behind. "Hi," Michael said as he introduced himself.

"What are you two fellows been talking about?" He grinned.

"Nothing much." Beetle said. "Just about this new secret training facility."

"Yeah...I'm sure you were...::cough cough::...SPY..::cough cough::.."

He paused and looked at Daniel. "Well, you about ready to go?"

"Yeah, we don't want to miss our ballet class"

Before Daniel could say anything, Michael interrupted him. "Did you hear about that explosion at the Cadet dance hall? Hurt a lot of kids and killed a guy." He nodded. "They got the guy though. Locked him up good too."

"Oyah! They locked thems a up a reals good!"

Daniel looked at his watch and shifted his feet.

"Ooh, if I miss my pre-dance stretching my legs will cramp!"

"No. Didn't hear about it."

"Come again?" Michael asked. "How could you not know about that?"

"Uuuh...shut up!"

"Well...uh, I mean," Daniel stammered. "I didn't know they caught the three guys."

Michael looked at him with a suspicious stare. "How did you know that there were 3 guys? I never said but one."

"Uhh...shut up!"

Beetle looked at Daniel and said. "We got to go, right?"

"Yeah, ballet class, man. Teach makes us do extra triple toe loops if we're late..."

Then he turned back to Michael. "If you will excuse me Flight Officer Hicks, but I have business to attend to that requires the aid of Flight Officer Peterson."

"We're gonna go make out."

Michael and Doug both saluted. "Yes sir," Michael said.

Beetle returned the salute and he and Daniel left.

"There goes some stupid, stupid men."

"And really bad spies, to boot."

Michael thought to himself and finally turned to Doug and spoke. "What did you make of that?"

"Well I thought Daniel was kind of cute, but Beatle just didn't do it for me."

Doug shook his head. "Nothing at all. Come one, lets get a bite to eat."

"Sure, there's a Micky D's about half a klick down the road."

"I plan to get to the bottom of this." Michael said and he and Doug left.

"And the bottom of a liquor bottle while I'm at it."

"Uh... dude," Beetle said to Daniel in the turbolift.

"Like, yeah Keanu, dude?"

"If they find out."

"If they find out," Daniel finished, "that we sold him that thermal detonator, our careers would be done for." He showed no look of concern but there was a harder tone in Daniel's voice. More anger than fear.

"Don't worry, they wont find out." Beetle reassured him. "Not if I can help it."

"One good swift kick in the butt..."

Daniel thought. "Maybe if we tell them why we gave them..."

Beetle cut him off. "Are you crazy! Then we really will be in deep bantha mess." He shook his head. "Let's not think about it. Let's just pray to the Force this can be kept under wraps."

"Wait...in the beginning Beatle was worried and Daniel was all cool, then the next sentence Daniel was talking about giving in and Beatle was scared shitless."

"They're gonna need more than the Force to help them now...maybe Own can sell them some more thermal detonators if they promise to hit some more female aliens with them..."

* * *

Screech stood by the lamp post waiting for a taxi to come by. He didn't care if he had to but he didn't want to walk all the way home.

"He was wearing his cement shoes again."

He glanced at the door to the building from which he just came. A group of 4 women came out chattering about things which he didn't care about.

"Football, sex, and beer."

Soon after , two other men from the squadron which seemed to be in more than a bit of a rush. He wondered what they were running from when it came out of the door. A younger man and what seemed like a kid came out the door and watched the two other men leave. Screech wanted to go and ask about what was going on but he never go the chance to. they left before he could.

"Of course, everyone leaves before you when you're wearing cement shoes."

A taxi never showed so he decided to walk instead.

"If he needs a taxi he should go to New York...I don't think Taxi's go to secret rebel bases."

He was about a block away when a hover car stopped and the passenger window rolled down.

"Hover car? What is this, some cheesy 1960's sci-fi movie...oh wait, never mind."

Screech stuck his head in to see Captain Tucker from his Squadron.

"Well hello Captain." came Screech in an almost humor sounding voice. "What can I do for you?"

"So how much do you charge an hour?"

Zak looked at Screech a moment and said. "It is more like, 'what can I do for you.'" He grinned. "It's a long walk from here to the Sluis Inn on 10th."

Screech looked at him. "How did you know where I was staying?" he asked astonished.

"I've been following you home every night and watching you shower..."

Zak grinned and said, "I'm Captain. I know everything."

"Except how to act."

He laughed.

"Ha ha!"

The speeder rode off down the streets in the darkness.

Owen stood on the deck next to the Corellian Freighter which would be used to transport the squadron to the star ship Glencoe, which would be the transport star ship for the squadron. Own had chosen this particular ship because it has adequate cargo space, living quarters, and its hanger bay. Admiral Antilles had it pulled from its assignment and reassigned to Commander Own. The Captain of the Glencoe was Captain Gleason, a rather noisy Corellian at times but always reliable.

"Aren't all Corellians noisy?"

"HEY! CORELLIANS ARE NOT NOISY!"

The ship had three other support staff. Ensign Henry, Lieutenant Rickels...

"Don Rickels?"

...and Lieutenant Dunn.

"Is he Dunn yet?"

Dunn was there with Owen. He would pilot the transport up to the Glencoe.

"How many left Commander?" he asked Owen

"Well, we already killed the first bunch, so these guys are last..."

Owen did a quick count and noticed two of his pilots were not there.

"Wait, how many pilots are there in a squadron again?"

He waved over to Captain Tucker, the XO. "Where are Flight Officer Peterson and Lieutenant Craiger?" he asked with a bit of annoyance in his voice.

"They're still at ballet class. There is a recital coming up and they wanted to get some more practice time in. You know, that way they didn't look dumb when they're on stage dancing in tutus."

Zak thought for a moment.

"There's a first."

He had received no word from them about being late. "I do not know sir. Shall I go look for them?"

Own shook his head. "No bother. If they do not show, then they will be left behind and two more will take their place."

"Since I don't like females or aliens flying in my squad, I've lined up a tree and an old shoe that could replace them."

"Who the hell is Own?"

Almost as if they heard Owen speak those words, Daniel and Beetle came through the door realizing they were late. Owen didn't wait for them to come up and salute.

"Ten-hut! Line up where you are." Owen ordered and the pilots lined up where they were. He walked in front of them as they stood at attention.

"Time to play dominos...Zak, push the guy at that end of the line and watch them all tip over..."

After a moment, he finally spoke. "Ladies and Gentlemen..."

"...boy and girls, children of all ages! Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Baily is proud to present...a bunch of imposters!"

"...from this day forward, you will not be regarded as just pilots..."

"You will also be known as housekeepers, maids, and you females will be stewardesses."

"...You will be looked at as the most ruthless squadron in the galaxy. You are now all Sith of Sith Squadron."

"Liars!"

"Fakes!"

"Imposters!"

He look at Zak. "Captain Tucker." Zak stepped out from the line still at attention.

"Sir!"

"Get the Sith ready for departure. Get everyone on board and make sure all luggage is secure..."

"..in the overhead compartments. Make sure you have your hands and arms inside the spaceship at all times, and the in flight movie will be The Fake Sith Squadron."

"Ewwww!"

"...You will fly as co-pilot with Lieutenant Dunn." Zak saluted Owen and stepped back in line. Owen looked over them one last time.

"Oh yeah, I'm definitely the cutest."

"Dismissed." he said at last. He left it in the hands of Zak for the moment . He had to make a call.

"Those terrorist didn't just hire themselves, ya know!"

* * *

"All right everyone," Zak was saying. "You heard the man, let's head out." He picked up his own bags and headed for the cargo bay.

"Where is one of those female alien slaves Owen keeps around? I don't wanna carry my own bags..."

After each person had put their belongings in the bay, they headed for their seats to strap in.

"Strap on?"

"Everyone secure?" Zak asked everyone. He was about to head to the cockpit when he noticed one girl having trouble with her harness.

"Yeah...those velcro straps are bastards, aren't they?"

He walked up to her. "Laura... right?" She only nodded. "Let me help you with that."

"Hey there, watch your hands Zak."

But as he went to get her harness, she jumped back. "I can do it myself... leave me alone. Sir!"

"That's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it!"

Then she got her harness snapped in and gave the captain a 'told ya so' look. He only shrugged and went up front.

"Everyone secure?" Dunn asked him.

"Well...Adam and Beetle are making out in the closet, and Screech has his head lodged in the 'fresher, but besides that..."

Zak nodded. "Now were just waiting on the Commander."

The holo display came to life and Owen saw the face of Admiral Antilles.

"Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope...wait, wrong message, sorry."

"Are they ready?" he asked Owen.

"Indeed Admiral. We are departing now. I shall report in immediately if something happens."

"Yes, if we get ambushed and destroyed I shall report in right afterwards."

"Excellent Commander. Keep me informed. Antilles out." Owen saluted as the holo display faded. Then he turned and trotted towards the ship.

"Oh, if I'm late they're gonna make me lick the X-wings clean again..."

* * *

Antilles leaned back in his chair. Things were going so well. There had been no major confrontations within the New Republic for quite some time now. There had been peace. True peace. But what good was a strong Navy if you did not use it. The same applies for a fighter squadron he thought. Antilles knew his father had been in Command of Rogue Squadron and was the greatest pilot that ever served the Rebellion/New Republic.

"He's as smart as Zak is."

He wanted to be remembered like his father was. He smiled. After this, he would be remembered forever.

"Yeah, I'll blow them up real good."

He closed his eyes and turned his chair towards the window. Things were perfect.

"Hey, maybe Owen would even buy some more thermal detonators from him. Gotta get rid of those pesky aliens, ya know."

Owen sat down behind Zak. "We're clear." he said. "Let's get moving." Lieutenant Dunn worked the controls and the shuttle lifted off the flight deck.

"Oops, we left Doug and Michael inside the engine...oh well. Now we can get that tree and shoe..."

Soon it was clear of the planet and Owen finally spoke. "Set a course for the Glencoe and prepare to dock." As they came around the shield perimeter of Coruscant, Zak got a good view of their ship. She was a nice craft indeed. Two engines protruded from her main hull. There was a module atop the opposite end of the hull which was no doubt the living area and bridge of the ship. the main hull was mostly cargo bays and a large hanger. Large enough, in fact, for 12 fighters, 2 shuttles, and parts for all the vessels.

"Plus a waterslide, a football field, and a room specialized for watching porno movies."

"Big ass tv screen?"

"Nanoo."

Zak worked the controls as the transport prepared for a landing. It set down with barely a clang and Zak killed the main thrusters.

"Oh my god, he killed the main thrusters!"

"You bastard!"

"All right," came Owen. "Captain, assemble everyone in the fighter bay."

"Then hit the airlock and watch them implode!"

Zak nodded and headed to the back. By the time he got there, they had all gotten un- strapped.

"Ten-hut!" Zak yelled. "File out to the flight deck." They did as told and Zak marched with them. "Line up everyone." Then Owen emerged from the shuttle. "All present and accounted for sir!"

"Except for Daniel and Beetle...we can't seem to find them..."

Zak said then saluted. He stepped back in line with the rest of the pilots.

Owen nodded and turned as the door to the hanger opened. Three men walked in and Owen introduced them. "Sith, these men will be in charge of this ship. You will learn to work with them. They will also be in charge of the training facility once we arrive." He gestured towards the largest of the men. "This is Captain Gleason,"...

"Lard ass! Lard ass! Lard ass!"

...he pointed to the next and went down the line each time. "Lieutenant Rickles, Ensign Henry, and Lieutenant Dunn, which you may have already met." He went down the row introducing all the Sith to the crew. Then he continued. "Ensign Henry will make sure you all get to your quarters. Captain Gleason, will we be getting under way soon?

Gleason nodded.

"Once my Viagra wears off."

"Just as soon as you're ready Commander."

"Good." Owen said. "Then lets be on our way. Captain Tucker, you may dismiss the squadron." Owen turned and saluted the squadron and headed for the bridge with Gleason and his two Lieutenants.

"ORGY!"

"Sith Squadron," Zak announced. "Dismissed." Zak looked around. "Ensign Henry, will you be showing up to our quarters?"

"Nah, I figured I'd just go hang out at the bar."

"Yes sir." he replied. "As soon as your ready to leave Captain."

"Sith, get your gear and lets head out."

Zak stood on the bridge with Owen and his small crew.

"Anyone up for scrabble?"

The ship was on its way to their training base. Why officers such as themselves needed additional training was beyond him but, it was the Commanders party. It seemed that while aboard ship, the men of the squadron had one room and the women had another... at the far end of the hall.

"Owen's Philosophy: If I can't have sex, no one can!"

"Tucker," Owen said. "Come here and sit. Let's talk."

"You see...when kids reach a certain age, their bodies start to go through certain changes..."

Zak did as told and waited for Owen to begin the conversation. "What do you make of the other pilots? In your honest opinion."

"Well, two are gay, the chicks don't like me, one of them has a huge head and equally huge breasts, and the others beat me up..."

Zak thought for a moment.

"Ow, headache!"

"Headache? Try Nuprin...Little...Yellow...Different."

"They all have good records and have performed excellent in training situations. Lieutenant Craiger earned....."

"No Captain, I'm not asking for stats. I got them myself. I want things that the computers and records can't tell me."

"Do they like Leonardo DiCaprio, or not?"

Zak nodded and then actually thought about what he would say next. "Tillery seems uneasy when she is around you sir. Gowan is very shy about other members. Cain believes she can handle anything on her own. Craiger and Peterson seem a bit... destructive according to their records, but I have not observed much."

"Well, except for that whole blowing up the Academy prank they did...but hey, kids..."

Hicks posses a keen sense of espionage skill...."

"...but he's a raving alcoholic."

Barnwell is a quick learner..."

"And a great kisser."

"...Green is..." He stopped mid sentence and thought. "I will have to get back with you about Green. Vest has a hidden secret, everyone fears her to some degree. And Hale seems about the only sane one among us."

"Which means that she's going to end up being the traitor."

Owen leaned back in his seat. "Very good Captain. It will be your job to watch over the other Sith very closely for the next few weeks. You will report to me any unusual behavior."

"So is everyone a spy in this movie?"

Zak nodded but did not completely understand.

"That's because Zak is a dipshit."

Owen smiled. "Once we get to the training facility, we shall all be one big happy family for a very long time...."

"Just wait, Mini Me, we're getting to the good part..."

Zak never flinched but thought to himself.... "What does that mean?"

"I'm not going to be holding you prisoner, why are you accusing me of it!?"

Michelle was very slow about it. She took her time and made sure everything was perfect. One more... almost.. there...

"Hey, is that...?"

"No, Jace, it isn't."

She stood back on the ladder and leaned on the rail. "There!" she exclaimed to no one in particular. "It's perfectly and aesthetically arranged!"

"And I spelled my name in alphabetical order, too!"

"AECHILM!"

"God bless you."

"What is?" came a voice beneath her.

She was startled at first but looked down to see Lindsay and Steph. "Hi!" she exclaimed.

"Hi again, ditzy!"

Then she pointed at the black line under the hatch of the X-Wing. "My name. It's perfectly painted on the side."

"Here, you missed a spot. Let me just touch it up there...whoops...hope you don't mind those run marks..."

She gestured like it was a beauty contest. "Isn't it pretty!" All three girls laughed.

"Ha ha!"

Then Michelle climbed down the ladder. "So, what you two up to?" she asked them.

"Oh nothing," Lindsay said. "Just decided to check out our fighters." She looked around. "Just a word of advice, watch out for Owen. He's a flippin reject."

"And a sexist, racist pig."

Michelle gave her a quizzical look.

"Your head is so small next to mine..."

"Why do you say that? I take it you have known him before."

"Ohhh yeah," she said, "Steph and I both know him. For what friggin' reason he had us dragged along is beyond me."

"Honey, most things are beyond you. Common sense, for one..."

She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I just wanted to see if you wanted to head to the mess hall. I want to get all the girls together for a game of sabacc."

"Strip sabacc!"

Michelle shrugged. "Sure why not. Let's go." They left the hanger and headed for the mess hall. On the way there they passed Nicole, and Lindsay managed to get the courage to invite her along. When they arrived there, they noticed that Laura was already there., sitting in a corner drinking something and reading. Lindsay approached her.

"Hello Laura. Would you care to join us at a game of sabacc?"
Laura looked up and regarded Lindsay and the 3 other women behind her.

"Oh great, it's the Slut of the Month Club."

"I have stuff to finish first. Maybe later." Then she went back to work pretending she had never stopped.

"You sure," Lindsay asked. "It will be fun."

"Yeah, fun like watching the Fake Sith Squadron!"

Laura stopped reading then looked up to give Lindsay a cold look.

"Never mind."

"I tried to be polite at first. Now I say leave me alone... Now!"

"Now, and now I say no! NOW!"

"Now?"

"NOW!"

Lindsay took a step back and thought about apologizing then figured there would be no point. She returned with the others.

"Well, she said no to group sex, but I think I can convince her..."

Nicole looked at Lindsay. "What was that all about?"

Lindsay shrugged. "Beats the heck out of me. She is a very ill tempered person."

"Well no shit, Olie."

She glanced back to insure she didn't hear her.

"SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HER ASS KICKED! SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HER ASS KICKED!"

Nicole shook her head. "Personally I do not like her. I reviewed some of her record. Very aggressive attitude and violent behaviors. Why in the Force she was chosen I can never guess."

"Why in the Force ANY of you were chosen is beyond me..."

"Why in the Force someone made this movie is beyond me..."

They sat down and began their game.

"Let's see some skin here!"

Michael finished programming the Simulator.

"Now his CyberErotica machine was up and running!"

He needed some practice.

"Hee hee."

On board, there was only one unit.

"Hee hee."

"Oh yeah, NOW who needs to grow up?"

At the base, there were 12. He climbed into the cockpit and it sealed above him. He hit the button and the simulation began.

::seductive voice:: "Hello Michael...what do you want to do today?"

Michael did a couple of rolls and twists to get the feel for the craft. Then the computer began its program.

"You will now see the world through...LARRY VISION!"

"Red One, this is base. There are 2 interceptors heading towards your position. Attack and destroy."

"And afterwards ram your fighter into planet."

"Understood base." he acknowledged.

He threw all his shields forward and locked his S-foils into attack position. He adjusted his cannons to duel fire and bumped his laser recharge rate up a notch.

"Then he lowered the lights, put a bag of popcorn in the microwave, and popped in his onboard copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie!"

Unfortunately reducing his shield recharge rate but the odds would be about even.

"SAY WHAT?"

The first Squint came into view and Michael had gripped his stick.

"Shouldn't he wait till he's back in his cabin to do that?"

"Michael better clean the Simulator pod after he's done using it."

"So do all Michael's grab their sticks when they see a squint?"

Wait... wait... Suddenly, the squint let loose a stream of deadly laser fire that splashed off the X-Wings shields.

"Yeah...yeah take that you crazy, drunk bastard!"

Then it abruptly veered off to the right. Michael dumped some laser power into his shields and leveled them out. He wasn't going to fall for that trick.

"Not again."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twenty eight times, shame on me."

Then he saw the second squint band...

"Straight off their first tour..."

...expecting to come behind the X-Wing and not meet it head on. Michael did a 180 degree turn to get on the 2nd squints tail.

"Oh, Mikey boy thinks he's a player now...trying to take on two squints at once..."

He managed to get behind it but not close enough to get a deadly shot.

"Attempting torp lock..."

Quickly, he dumped shield power into engines to increase speed. He had to hurry before the other squint came around.

"Yeah, don't wanna get caught with another squint, eh?"

He lined up his targeting brackets on the squint and pulled the trigger. The lasers slashed across open space then finally struck its target. The squint didn't explode at first but drifted, sparking in space as Michael flew by. The pilot would be dead and the craft was in operable. Half the mission was....

Laser struck against the X-Wings starboard shields. "Sithspit!" he yelled...

"Did he just insult us?"

"I think so!"

"YOU SUCK!"

...as he rolled to port. He looked at the damage. Shields were down to 10% due to the earlier dump.

"Or maybe due to the fact that he can't fly a starfighter and keeps getting shot up, hmm?"

His top right S-foil laser was out and the paint was scorched. The targeting computer and scanner still worked...

"Oh good, so he can still scan his naked pictures and send them on AOL."

...so he kept an eye on the squint. He knew he was still behind him and gaining fast. He had to do something.

"Taking out that Brittany Spears CD you're listening to would be a good start."

In what seemed like minutes, but were merely seconds, Michael dumped all his laser power into his shields, turned the shield rate to full and lasers to zero, killed thrust and rotated 180 degrees.

"Wow, all that in a few seconds...he's special. Or so his doctor says..."

He switched to torps and didn't even wait for the brackets to go from yellow to red. The squint was already dead ahead. The other pilot never even had time to fire.

"Ha ha, eat my proton, small head...torpedo, that is."

The squint exploded in a ball of flame. Debris flew over the X-Wing and systems began to fail because of the explosion.

"Well whaddya expect to happen when you crash into large chunks of floating metal?"

He checked his readouts. He was still alive...

"Damn..."

...and he had 1/2 engine power. Damaged X-Wing but he made it.

"Damn, damn, damn."

"Base, this is One. Targets destroyed. Heading in."

"Yeah, that Elmo punk won't be bothering us anymore..."

"Great work, One. Mission completed."

::seductive voice:: "You're so good, Michael..."

"Yeah, you don't know how often I hear..."

"Finish that sentence, Jace, and I swear to god you won't walk away from this movie."

"At the rate they're going, that's highly unlikely anyway."

Then the cockpit opened and Michael emerged from the simulator. Next time, three squints.

"Whoa," ::singing:: "He's a super pimp, super pimp..."

"Captain Gleason, we will be coming out of hyperspace in moments." said Lieutenant Rickles.

"So please put your seat in an upright position, and do not use any electronics or the ship will crash and we will all die."

Gleason nodded then glanced over to Owen. "We will be there shortly." He turned to look at the chrono. Four minutes to go.

"Till the end of the movie?"

"Sadly, no, there's plenty of that left."

Captain Tucker stood behind Owen watching the viewport.

"What a fun job."

Waiting for the stars to fade to their normal space. Five...four...three...two...one... The ship dropped out of hyperspace to reveal a dark gray planet.

"Oh damn, I forgot my sunblock."

More or less a large moon if nothing else.

"That's no moon...it's a space station!"

"No, no, it says moon right there...see?"

"Huh? Ohhhhh yeahhh..."

"It's a super happy fun ball!"

Owen smiled. "Welcome to Gordella..."

"The cheeeeeeese planet."

"...A planet in the outer rim. Here, we will train without much interference from the outside universe."

"Well, with the exception of the occasional Mardi Gras and Million Man March. But besides that..."

Zak looked up at Owen. A look of puzzlement on his face.

"He should be used to that by now."

"Exactly what kind of training will we be going through sir?" he asked.

"Well, try not to think of it so much as training as a series of random and senseless beatings."

Owen looked at the pilot and smiled. "A kind, Mr. Tucker," he said, "that you nor any other pilot in this squadron will ever forget."

"Can't forget things when you're dead, eh?"

Zak nodded then turned to leave. What had he gotten himself into...

"Headache? Try Nuprin...Little...Yellow...Different.

From the air, the planet seemed very wild like.

"Nothing but parties 24/7."

Desert, jungle, snow, and mountain covered the one continent. The rest of the planet consisted of a gray colored dirt.

"It's where they get Play-Doh."

It seemed most strange indeed. The training facility was in the middle of a valley surrounded by a forest. It was rather large indeed and looked brand new. Zak could tell this place was built for them weeks maybe months in advance.

"Nah, the New Republic just killed it's previous occupants...The Sunshine Day Care Center...and took over."

The ship came in low over a large hanger. The top of the hanger split open from the center and rolled down both sides revealing a very large hanger bay large enough for the Glencoe.

"Ensign Henry, Lieutenant Dunn," came Captain Gleason. "Set us down."

Henry and Dunn adjusted their controls and as gently as they could set the ship neatly inside the hanger.

"Ship down and secure Captain. Hanger bay doors closing."

"You're now trapped, ha ha!"

Owen spoke to Zak. "Gather the Sith. Tell them to meet in the rec. room at 08:00."

Zak saluted. "Sir." Then he hurried below.

"And they'd better not be wearing pants!"

Beetle and Daniel threw down their bags. "This is great!" Beetle exclaimed. "Did you see the size of this place?!"

"Yeah," Daniel said dryly. "Just great."

"What's wrong?" Beetle asked him.

"It's still bugging me. And you know what I mean."

"Phone companies who screw people over?"

He shook his head. "I just hope no one finds out."

Beetled frowned "That Hicks is a bit too nosey..."

"Chirpy?"

"Ratboy, Sandra Lock."

"Chief?"

"McClou..."

"Damnit, guys, be original and think of your own jokes! Sheesh..."

"...If he knows what's good for him he will stop meddling..."

"I woulda got away with it, too, if it were for those meddling kids and their dog!"

"...Otherwise I will rip his arm off and feed it to him... and I will kick him in the groin and TEAR OUT HIS...." Beetle hollered at the top of his lungs.

"BEETLE!!" Daniel stopped him. "Calm down dude. Get a grip."

"Geez, take some prozac or something..."

"Yeah, try decaf."

Beetle sat down. "Sorry about that. Gotta little carried away there."

"Well no shit!"

He laughed.

"Ha ha!"

"Hey, let's go log some hours in the Sims."

"Yeah, I heard Michael got his CyberErotica machine up and running."

Daniel shrugged. "Sure, why not. But you get the A-Wing and I get the blastboat." He laughed as they left.

"Like, dude, I am SO going to kill you."

"Make sure your careful now. Watch that line there!"

"Oh my god, my laundry!"

"...Hey you, don't slack! I want all these X-Wings in the fighter bay within the next 2 hours...."

"Better start pushin'."

"...I still have to check them out." Dee shouted at the 3 crew men from the Glencoe as they moved the X-Wings from the ship hanger to the base.

"Yes sir, we will get them." came a mocking voice behind Dee.

"And blow them up."

Dee spun around to see Owen standing behind him.

"Ack! Sneak up on me...Pain...heart attack...damn you, Owen..."

"Well hello there Commander." He shook the others hand. "So glad to see you."

"A pleasure to have you here as the squadrons mechanic."

Dee chuckled. "How could I not pass up something as big as this. I mean, a whole squadron of..."

"Transvestites who think they're Wookiee's and dress like Ewoks. Who could pass up an opportunity like that?"

"Shhh..." Owen warned him. "Keep your voice down. None of them know yet."

"They're dumber than I thought, then."

Dee had a look of confusion on his face. "What! How!?" he quietly exclaimed. "How could you not know?"

"Well I know!"

Owen pointed at the base around him. "We have taken certain precautions about where these pilots go and there is an extra added feature everywhere they go."

"Snipers."

"Ahhh."

He looked troubled. "I believe Cain knows. I think Tucker has caught on by now but the rest have been kept in the dark since they first joined the academy."

"And so they will be the rest of their miserable lives, which knowing how well they fly shouldn't be that long!"

"Must have been tough." Dee said.

"You have no idea." Owen said tiredly.

Henry came walking up and saluted Owen. "Call from Admiral Antilles for you Commander."

"He wants to know if you'd like a free trial subscription of the Coruscant Examiner?"

"Thank you Ensign. Carry on." He turned back to Dee. "If you will excuse me Dee, I have a call to make."

"1-900-WETGIRLS isn't up twenty four hours a day, ya know."

"See ya around Commander." Dee turned back to the X-Wings. "Hey! Are you mad... what do you mean only two!?"

"That's the number of intelligent lines in this movie."

"Oh come, stop being nice Jen."

The com unit flicked on showing a grave face. The face of Antilles. "Bad news Till. Gillad is dead."

"Who's Till?"

Owen sat back. A streak of fear passing through him. "Oh dear..."

"We're doomed!"

"Shove it, Goldenrod!"

"...When was this?"

"Just this morning. He apparently died in his sleep."

"Police say the gun found next to him, and the bullet hole in his head are just a weird coincidence."

Antilles shook his head. "With Pelleaon dead I doubt the treaty will last. I heard rumors that the Imperial ambassadors are leaving Coruscant and the Senate is getting restless."

"Well, the Senate isn't what it once was. It's no longer full of greedy, squabbling delegates and there is a lot of interest in the public good."

He gave Owen a dark stare.

::Gives Jen a dark stare::

"ACK! Stop that, you're creeping me out!"

::Continues dark stare::

"I'm warning you..."

::Holds his dark stare on Jen::

"That's it!" ::punches Jace::

"Ouch!"

"Now watch the kriffing movie and don't look at me again!"

"Be ready for the worst Owen. It may come."

"I know that because I'm planning on killing you all!"

Owen nodded. "Thank you sir. My sympathy goes out to Gillad Pelleaon and his loved ones."

"Yeah...I'm sure the Imperials will appreciate your sarcasm and insincerity."

"I have heard that someone is trying to take control of what's left of Imperial Space. Someone named Krakus...."

"Krackhead?"

"...So far, little is known about him..."

"Except that every Friday night he dresses up like a woman and hits the bars looking for some action."

"...but we will keep you updated. Antilles out."

Owen switched off the com unit and sighed. He had his own problems.

"His damned peecee kept crashing and he left his Mac back on Coruscant."

Owen was the last to enter the rec. room. "Good morning Sith." He studied the room.

"Hmmm...I don't know if I would've gone with teddy bear wallpaper..."

"I know you all arrived only a couple of hours ago but we are getting started today. First thing is first, get your schedules." He nodded to Tucker. "He will issue you all a datapad with what you have to do for the next 2 weeks." He walked over to a man in the back of the room." I would like to introduce the squadrons mechanic... and a man of many other talents...."

"He can also stick out his tongue and touch his nose..."

"And close his eyes and say his phone number!"

"...This is Dee."

Dee sort of waved and saluted. "Nice to be here. This should be fun especially with this bunch." He chuckled.

"And Owen kicked him for the slip of his tongue."

None of them knew what he meant but he did have a suspicious tone in his voice. Zak recognized him in an instant. He was the bartender.

"What squadron would be without a bartender? At least they did SOMETHING right in this story..."

What was he doing here? How could a bartender be a squadron mechanic?

"How could a dumbass be a squadron's XO? Hey, these things happen."

Such questions entered Zak's head. He guessed he would have to figure it out later.

"Or, more likely, never at all."

Owen went over some more things with the squadron. "I have set up and drawn out a setup for the squadron. Until further notice, this will be the squadron's Flight Groups. I will command One Flight. Sith 2, Flight Officer Hicks. Sith 3, Lieutenant Vest. Sith 4, Flight Officer Gowan.

Two Flight will be lead by Captain Tucker and he will be Sith 5. Sith 6, Flight Officer Peterson. Sith 7, Flight Officer Green. Sith 8, Flight Officer Tillery.

Three Flight will be lead by Lieutenant Craiger and he will be Sith 9. Sith 10, Flight Officer Cain. Sith 11, Flight Officer Hale. Sith 12 will be Flight Cadet Barnwell."

He flipped through his pages and looked at the pilots. "If there is a problem with your call sign or you wing man please file any complains on the sheet of paper in front of you and hand it to me before you leave."

"And then I'll just toss it in the nearest garbage can...er...filing cabinet."

"Do they even have paper in Star Wars? I thought they didn't use that..."

He put away some papers then addressed the room once more. "You all will report to the SIM room at 14:00. So for the next 6 hours, I suggest you do something constructive...."

"Bang your heads against the wall."

"...Dismissed."

Before Owen left, he was approached by Lieutenant Craiger. "Good morning sir." He handed Owen the complaint form. "I feel I would be better suited to have Flight Officer Peterson as my wingman sir."

"I just love it when he watches my tail..."

Owen calmly read over the letter, withdrew a small lighter and burnt it before Craiger's eyes. Craiger stood there in shock, not protesting to his superior officer. "That, Mr. Craiger, is what I think of your protest. We are a fighter squadron who has to learn to work together not play wingman with our buddies from home. Either you can accept your assignment or you can be replaced. Which will it be soldier."

"Well, I won't be in any squadron where the Commanding Officer doesn't do as I order him too! I'm outta here!"

Craiger quickly snapped to attention. "Sir, I will accept it, Sir."

Owen nodded then added, "Very well, dismissed."

Craiger saluted smartly and did not spin on his heel till the Commander returned his salute.

"Leave the traitor hanging, Owen! Don't salute back!"

Screech eyed her cautiously.

"Now that Zack and A.C. are gone, I'm finally gonna score with the girls!"

He was on the urge of approaching her but couldn't bring himself to. So he just stared at Laura's stunning features.

"I think he's one of those one-handed typers you hear about on the internet."

She was beautiful to him but he could not approach her. He didn't have the nerve... just then. Maybe later when he was drunk it would be another story.

"Yeah, everything is easier when you're drunk."

"He could approach her if he had LARRY VISION!"

"Are you just gonna stand back there behind me or are you gonna get yourself over here and sit down." she asked him without ever turning around.

"Oh, I figured I'd just sit here and stare at your..."

"Uhh.. yeah... " he was shocked and stunned. How did she know he was back there? Was he that loud? He sat at the opposite side of the table from here. "Hey, what ya doing?"

"Oh, just trying to figure out why every time I go to a squadron of some sort, some hot shot pilot has to try to get and fresh with me..."

"Maybe it's because you walk around completely naked."

"...How about you... what's on your mind?" She acted rather haughty and defiant.

"Well, I just thought I would come say hi."

"Hi...now get lost." She returned to reading her book.

"I already am."

Screech was about to consider getting up but changed his mind. Instead, he pursued further. "Just what the devil is your problem? Why do you have to act like a banthas hindquarters to everyone?"

"A banthas hindquarters?"

"It means 'ass", Jace...it's edited so they can show the movie on ABC."

"Can they show our movie on ABC?"

"Oh helllllll noooo..."

If looks could kill then Screech would have been vaped by the look Laura gave him.

"If looks can kill then poor Laura would've already been dead."

"Look pal, the only reason I'm here is because the Supreme Commander of the New
Republic Navy, Admiral Antilles himself, asked me to be here. Something about how people of my talent were hard to come by and he needed me."

"In more ways than one..."

She closed her book. "I just hate being shifted around and meeting new people."

"Especially since the old people you met think you were a bitch, too."

Screech looked at her in the eyes. "You lost someone in a squadron before, didn't you? Is that it?"

"Well yes, how did you...HEEY! Stop reading my mind, pervert!"

She laughed. "Unless you count myself." She put her arms around herself to suppress a shiver. "I feel... empty... I can't explain it but something is wrong here."

"Maybe it's the dark shadow of impending failure and doom hanging over your shoulder!"

Her arms moved up and down on each arm as if she were trying to warm herself up.

"Or get herself all nice and hot for Screech."

"I just want this to be over."

"That's odd. Nothing feels any different here than my last assignment." He thought.

"That's because your last assignment was a grocer for Safeway."

"Maybe its the situation you're in. You're probably like the rest of us, you never been in such an important place before."

"Well...I did go to Washington Land once."

Laura rolled her eyes and stood up. "Look, I'm going to get some rest. I will see you at the Sims later."

"Take it easy." He casually said to her as she walked off. Well, at least she talked to him he thought to himself.

"A step up from how most women just run away in fear."

He considered following her to her room but thought better of it and decided to head for the mess hall.

"Yeah...gotta wait a few days, THEN you can establish yourself as the squadron stalker and perverted freak."

Lindsay fired again and again.

"Take that, Screech! Stay out of my underwear drawer!"

She crouched down again breathing hard. This constant fighting was tiring but there was little she could do about it. I mean, you can't just go home and be done with it. She glanced up and around again but there was no sign of life.

"Screech was most certainly dead, now!"

Either they were dead or moving.

"Well, those would be the options now, wouldn't they."

She was hoping for dead.

"Well, she succeeded. This movie is most certainly dead."

"It'd be better if we were viewing it in...LARRY VISION!"

Quickly, she holstered her blaster and looked down at her fallen comrade. Davis was hurt bad; he wouldn't make it. Slowly his eyes opened and she could hear him speak. "It's your fault Lindsay It's your fault I'm dying so now you must die too!!!"

"There is...another...Till....er....y....."

Then just as fast as it started, it was over and Lindsay awoke in her cabin. The nightmares were getting worse as the years go by. She could never forget that terrible mission but every time she dreamed of it, it changed. Maybe it was her fault Davis died maybe if she She shook her head. No. It was not her fault. It was the Empire's. The Empire is to blame for all beings who died after the war.

"Well, except for the people that Owen, Beetle, and Peterson bomb for fun."

If they didn't resist and keep fighting, then she probably would never have joined the New Republic fighter command.

"Ah damnit, why'd they have to resist. Now those jagoffs have doomed the entire New Republic."

She could have lived a happy civilian life away from military affairs. She glanced over at her chrono "By the Force!" she screamed.

"By the Power of Grayskull!"

If she didn't hurry, she was going to be late for the training session. She quickly jumped out of bed and began getting dressed.

"How come she doesn't work naked like Cal?"

She didn't know how she did it, but Lindsay arrived in the SIM room before time.

"Wow, she arrived before time did...now THAT'S an accomplishment."

Owen picked up his helmet.

"This is a standard New Republic issue chip dipper. Simply fill it up to this line..."

"All right Sith, another day, another fight. Into the pods."

"Oh no, Owen is a Pod Person!"

"Trumpy?"

"Chief?

"McCloud?"

::smacks Jen and Jace::

All the pilots began climbing into their trainer SIM pod one after another.

"Must be a tight fit."

Within seconds, they were set and going through their preflight checks.

"This is Sith Leader." Came Commander Owen over their headsets. "Things are gonna be done a little different today. I know you all have been working as a team lately, but today, were going to have a littlefun."

"Are we going to blow up more female aliens, sir?"

"Shut up, Beetle!"

No one liked the way he said the word "fun". Owen gave orders for flying. "Sith 9 and 10. You two will fly with One Flight. Sith 11 and 12, you will be with Two Flight. This will be a basic furball. 6 on 6."

"ACK!" ::cough cough:: Oooh, furball!"

"Understood Lead." Came the various voices of Sith Squadron.

Zak was a bit dumbfounded as to why this was being done.

"So has anyone counted how many times Zak has been confused, or dumbfounded, or lost?"

"Sorry, Jace, they don't make numbers that high."

Would there actually be a time where Sith would fight against Sith in a battle? Who knows. Regardless, this was only a simulation.

"Or so they thought..."

Owen brought his X-Wing up with the rest of his flight on him. The began their attack run against the other half of Sith Squadron. Zak keyed his Flight channels. "Stay sharp. Chose your targets and go after them. If you need assistance, just call."

"And if I'm not home, just leave your name and number after the beep and I'll try and get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks."

"Show me the message! Show me the message!"

"Acknowledged 5."

The fray began.

The first move out of formation came from Sith 2 who came in hard to get behind Sith 8. But Lindsay was too fast for him. While he tired to roll in behind her, she dove low and kept him in on her tail.

"I'm quite sure Michael didn't mind being on her tail, if ya know what I mean...heh heh."

Michael would have gotten a shot at some point if it weren't for Sith 7 who popped off a few shots at Michael, sending him hard to port and off of Lindsay's tail. "Thanks 7." Came Lindsay.

Zak and Daniel stayed in tight on Owen's tail.

"Ewwww!"

Since his wingman had taken off in search of a kill, it left the Commander wide open for a shot. Owen swore under his breath at Hicks for leaving him like this. He juked hard to port. He stole a glance back to see Zak take a shot at his rear shields. Owen dove hard with Zak and Daniel hard on his tail.

"Too much info, thanks..."

He had to do something quick. He instinctively used his skill against the two other pilots. He leveled out his fighter and rolled hard to starboard. In mid roll, however, he killed his thrust completely and spun his fighter around at the on coming fighters.

"Damnit, this isn't Babylon 5 and he's not flying a Star Fury...X-wing's can't do that!"

He fired seeing his lasers splash off of Daniels shields. He veered off to port to avoid taking more damage from the Commander. But where had Zak gone too. He was rewarded with an answer when he received laser blasts from port. Zak knew what he was doing before and veered off before Owen could perform the maneuver. Clever pilot. He would have to show him who was in charge.

"So is anyone else as confused as I am to what is going on here?"

"I'll second that!"

Craiger fired again and again. Only one out of 6 shots managed to hit Michelle who was in front of him. Her constant maneuvering kept him from getting a direct hit.

"Move Michelle, or Beetle's gonna fire a torp up your six!"

He heard something over his head set. "9, this is 10. I need help here. I got one that I can't shake." Craiger swore to himself as he rolled to port to go to the aid of his wingman. He saw her being chased by 12, Doug. The little twerp was friends to that Hicks. This should be fun. He switched to torps and waited for a lock. Doug never knew what was coming. The torp slammed into his X-Wing and it exploded into pieces. "Where did that come from?" Craiger heard over the speakers in his helmet. He laughed to himself and moved back to go after Michelle once again.

"No means no!"

Steph had saw what happened to Daniel and the Commander and decided that Daniel would be an easy kill. So she thought. She moved in behind him and lined up for a shot. Before she realized it though, Daniel had pulled the fighter into a steep climb and inverted the craft. She pulled up to follow him through but was not near fast enough. He managed to get somewhat behind her craft and fired his lasers hitting her rear shields. She cursed aloud and juked to port. It didn't help her much for when she tried to run, Daniel leveled his craft in behind hers much easier. He fired again destroying her shields then her ship could no longer with stand the beating and exploded into two pieces.

"Cool."

Steph ejected but would have died none the less because Sith do not take prisoners. Daniel smiled at the thought.

"Of Steph dying? Yeah, it made me smile too."

The SIM finally ended after nearly an hour worth of fighting. In the end, Daniel turned out to be the victor.

"The rest he voted off, now Daniel is our sole Survivor and the million dollar winner!"

Owen had managed to vape Tucker but only to be vaped by Michelle in turn.

"Ha ha!"

"Wedge would never get vaped by one of his pilots, ya know."

Lindsay caught a bad break along with Nicole. They both managed to collide with one another during the battle and both ships were destroyed.

"The new Flyers ED video...Red Asphalt: In Space!"

"Well," Owen said. "It only goes to show, we can fight each other with little hesitation."

"Or any at all, really. Given half the chance I'd kill you all in a second!"

Doug raised a hand. "A question Cadet?"

"Is there a place I can wash my pants? I had an accident..."

Doug stood. "Sir, with all due respect that was a simulation. We knew it. If that would have been real, I doubt I would have been able to attack a fellow squad mate."

Owen nodded. "Yes, that is understandable. But tomorrow, you will not fly against yourselves but New Republic squadrons."

"We shall be making our move against Coruscant tomorrow...and nothing can stop us! HA HA! The New Republic shall bow to us!"

This got a strange look from the other pilots. Michael raised a hand and was called upon.
"Any particular reason we are fighting against our own people and not the enemies fighters?"

"Well, the enemy is just so hard to kill these days...we thought we'd have a better chance blowing up our friends when they weren't looking."

"Because if we can fight out own people with no remorse, then we will do better against someone we hate!" Owen barked.

"Well that just doesn't make any sense."

"Perfectly fitting for this movie."

"Can you not see that Flight Officer Hicks. And another thing, who do you think you are flying off and leaving your wingman unprotected. If that were real combat, I could have been killed by Zak and Daniel while you were off flying around trying to earn kills! Stay in formation and always stay with your lead."

"NO WIRE HANGERS! NO WIRE HANGERS!"

He turned away from Hicks who was more than a little angry at Owen. Owen smiled. "Good, be angry. It's good for this squadron to touch evil as much as possible." He turned to the rest of the squadron. "Sith, dismissed."

"Let the Dark Side flow through you, my young apprentices...and use it to break really expensive stuff..."

The dark menace stood tall.

"As opposed to sitting short."

The view from the ship was beautiful and wondrous. But that was not the interest of this dark creature. His main concern was what was going on in the ship on which he was on board. The crews did this and that making sure everything was on schedule. His High Admiral, Admiral Mosely, was over seeing the Fleet.

"I'm just gonna Mosely on down over here."

"He shouldn't be stoned when he's on duty, ya know."

"I wanna be the High Admiral!"

"No, you just want to be high. Now watch the movie."

All he could do was wait. Slowly he turned around and strolled across the command deck. He was a fearsome sight to look at.

"Oh now, you're too hard on your self, Mosely...you're not that ugly. Oh wait, yes you are..."

His stern face showing years of experience and hatred. His dark hair sleeked back and his large over bearing nose that would look comical if not for his towering height. He heard footfalls approaching him...

"Hey, I've been to Foot Falls...beautiful place, really."

...and he turned as one of the ships officers came forward and bowed to him.

"Your All Mighty Ugliness, sir."

"Lord Trotter," he stumbled out. "The Admiral wishes to inform you that all ship functions are up to full strength."

"Next time I won't leave the ship's headlights on and drain the battery."

Trotter nodded and waved the man away. He rushed away never looking back. Trotter smiled to himself. It was good to have power over people he thought. To control someone else was a good thing. He made people fear him for if they did not, they would surely pay the ultimate price.

"He'd take away their lunch money."

Trotter strolled back to his cabin. He had plans to make and New Republic worlds to conquer.

Mosley sat at his command chair. "Captain Watts, set us a course to the Omanian system."

Watts looked up at Mosley.

"Huh?"

A look of puzzlement on his face.

"I don't know, that's what the script says!"

"But sir, that will take us into New Republic space."

"And also right next to a Dairy Queen!"

Mosley gave Watts a cold stare.

::gives Jen a cold stare::

"Don't even start with that again, Jace, don't even start..."

"What point are you trying to get across Captain?"

"I love you!"

"...Are you saying I'm stupid and that I did not know this already? Was that it Captain!"

"Well.....yes."

Watts quickly moved to the crew pit.

"Mosh pit!"

"Set course for Omanian system. Alert the fleet and make the jump to lightspeed as soon as you are set." A Lieutenant nodded and began relaying orders to the other ships.

"Thank you Captain. That is all for now. I will be in my quarters if you need me."

"With the door unlocked...hint hint..."

You have the bridge." Mosley got up and strolled from the bridge inspecting each officer and crewmen as he left. Suddenly the Admiral stopped as he passed a crewmen. "Ensign McCarn! Your uniform is not properly fitted. Fix that jacket! You have 6 hours mess hall duty for this!"

"Only six? Gee, now I feel like walking around naked."

McCarn stood at attention and never said a word. Mosley continued on his way.

"Dickweed."

The Sith sat around the mess hall chatting about this and that.

"Has this guy ever hear of the word "plural"?"

None of them seemed very eager to do anything but lay around.

"Naked."

They were tired of their constant training that they had received since they had arrived.

"Uh, training is their job. They should quit their bitching and get back to work."

They had been there a little over a month and they had yet to go on a mission or being training for one.

"What?"

The odd thing was the way things were changing for them.

"Screech's voice was deepening, and he was getting hair where there didn't use to be hair."

Their reflexes were getting faster and their concentration had increased. All of their kills in the simulators had increased and they all showed a 60% increase in fighting efficiency. Clearly, they were getting better and fast. But what was doing it?

"Probably the crack Owen puts in the caf."

"I know one thing, I can't wait till we get off this rock and head back to civilization." Laura spoke aloud. "I am dying for something sweet.... "

"Hey, she's dying! Cool! That's one down..."

She gave a sort of grin when she said the word 'sweet'.

Zak laughed and pointed at Doug.

"He did it!"

"Well, we do always have the Cadet over here." That brought laughter from the rest of the squadron.

"Now Zak, let's not scare the poor kid."

"He might wet his pants again."

"...I mean, if we're gonna warp him, let's do it right!" Lindsay said as she began laughing.

Doug got a look of annoyance on his face. "Shut up!" He quickly snapped. "You're all going to hell."

"God I hope so!"

He turned away from everyone else.

Michael rolled his eyes. Daniel and Adam exchanged glances.

"Wanna sneak off now? Oh, later? Okay."

Michelle finally spoke up.

"Geez Doug we're only kidding. Can't ya take a joke."

"Yeah, we'll see if you can take a joke when I blow you all up!"

"Try being on the end of the stick sometime and see how it feels." He quickly retorted.

"Oooh, nice come back. What's next? Gonna go tell Mr. Owen that the other kids are picking on you and not letting you play on the swings?"

Lindsay and Zak began to snicker and Michael had a hard time keeping from flat out laughing. Steph stood up. "You people are sick..."

"Thank you."

"...Come on Doug, let's go play some racket ball or something."

"Racket ball? Racket ball!? This is Star Wars, there isn't racket ball! Crap, why don't they just grab a cappuccino and then play football? Damn."

Everyone waved and said bye as they left. Then they all began laughing again.

"But anyways..." began Screech.

"You all suck."

"...Hey Daniel, I was thinking, your last name sounds familiar. I just can't quite place it."

Daniel gave Screech a sideways glance. "I don't know." He said rather quickly.

"I'M NOT A SPY!"

Screech hopped up. "Peterson, Peterson..." He repeated over and over again. Did you have a relative in the Imperial Navy? Back during the Thrawn campaign."

"How the hell would Screech know about a minor crew member on a ship that was involved in a campaign FORTY FIVE YEARS AGO!?"

Daniel seemed to get a look of worry. The other members became suddenly interested. Daniel seemed to think for a moment and sat down. "My Grandfather was in the Imperial Navy," he quietly began. "He served on board Grand Admiral Thrawn's flagship: the Chimaera. His name was Pieterson... Cris Pieterson." He looked up at the rest of the squadron. "His son, my father, was only a child when he died. My grandmother never knew of her husbands death until after Thrawn had died. For fear she would be hunted down, she had my father's last name changed." he shrugged. "All she did was take out the 'I' but it was enough." He glanced around the room. "Just because I have Imperial roots doesn't make me an Imperial."

"Yes it does."

"So wait....how did Screech know bout his great great great great grandfather when the man had his named changed? Ack, this movie sucks..."

Beetle slapped him on the back. "Hey man, we know your not." He grinned. "I can personally vouch for this guy. I grew up with him on Bespin. He's been my friend.. oh, all my life." Daniel gave a half smile to that.

"Of course, I'm a spy too, so..."

Michael stood. "So, anyone care for a game of aback." He looked around.

"What the hell is aback?"

Zak looked at the Flight Officer. "Sure." he quietly said. "If you tell us how you come from Alderaan after it was destroyed."

"And you're not like fifty years old."

All eyes shot towards Hicks. It had not occurred to anyone that Hicks was clearly too young to be from Alderaan which was destroyed over 50 years ago.

"That hadn't occurred to anyone yet? Morons..."

Michael staggered a bit. "I am from New Alderaan. My Grandparents were from Alderaan. They were away when it was destroyed. They moved to New Alderaan and lived there where my mother was born." He looked sad for a moment. "My mother was on her honeymoon with my father when the resurrected Emperor destroyed New Alderaan."

"Okay class, math time. Alderaan is destroyed four years before Endor. New Alderaan isn't found until after Endor. New Alderaan isn't destroyed until six years after Endor. Now, his mother was born on New Alderaan, which meant she was born around the time of, oh, I'd say Thrawn, which for those of you keeping score, if five years after Endor. She is on her honeymoon when the Resurrected Emperor comes and levels her planet, which is six years after Endor. WHICH MEANS...that she was probably about one year old when she went on her honeymoon...six at the oldest. Make sense to you? Well by golly, it shouldn't!"

"Thank you, Mr. Know-it-All."

"Anytime."

He shook his head. "But, enough of that. I was born on the 2nd New Alderaan which I call plainly: Alderaan."

"Cuz, like Zak, I'm just dumb."

He nodded. "Need any other explanation Tucker." He gave Zak a hard stare.

"Yeah, why are you a jackass?"

Zak gave a slight grin. "Nope, I guess that will be about it." He stood and picked up his coat. "I think I will go read awhile. Take a rain check on that game?" He asked Hicks.

Hicks nodded. "Yeah. Take it easy." He added with a bit of disgust.

Zak casually strolled from the mess hall leaving the others behind.

"Time to use Michael's CyberErotica machine..."

A fleet of 6 Imperial Star Destroyers came out of hyperspace. A blockade was setup around the small plane of Omanian. Turbolasers shot wicket bolts of death towards the planet surface.

"Wicket like the Ewok?"

"I like using the word "Wicket" and the word "Death" in the same sentence."

Buildings were melted to slag and living creatures were vaporized in seconds. Lord Trotter stared out from the view port with a cold smile on his face. This will force them out, he thought to himself. This will make them show themselves.

Admiral Mosely sat quietly not saying word but watching the readouts on the displays.

"Nah, he's looking for porn on the internet."

His mind was weak and easily swayed.

"All the minds in this movie are weak...so is the plot."

Mosely was always trying to stay on the good side of his Dark Lord.

"He even bought him a puppy."

He would follow him to his death or die for him.

"In the long run, isn't that kinda the same thing?"

However, the thoughts of Captain Watts were different.

"But he couldn't express his feelings because it would end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit."

Watts thought this attack was absurd and insane. It made no sense to attack a New Republic planet. The treaty should still remain regardless of Pellaeon's death.

"Which is why he's a Captain, while Mosely is an Admiral."

Watts looked up from his control board and noticed Lord Trotter staring at him.

"Sooo...how's about dinner after we're done killing a planet?"

Before he knew what was happening he was lifted 10 feet into the air.

"Up in the sky...its a bird, it's a plane, it's.....Watts?"

"Oooh, he's got hover shoes!"

He couldn't make a sound. Air was being cut off from his lungs.

"That's what happens when you smoke cigarettes."

He began to shake wildly and blood began to ooze from his eyes and nose. With one spastic jerk, his body twisted in half and a bone crunching sound of his spine could be heard clear across the bridge. Trotter bowed his head and the body of Captain Watts fell limply to the deck.

"Guess that means dinner is off..."

"Remind me not to look at Trotter funny anymore..."

"Get that pathetic piece of slime out of my sight." Trotter said with a dark tone. Quickly, droids were dispatched to clean up the mess and remove the body. "Admiral, stop the bombardment. Deploy the fleet and prepare for a conflict in the next 24 hours."
Mosley nodded and began relaying the orders.

"You, fetch me donuts. You, go break something. You, go to that console over there and push random buttons. And you...just stand there and look important."

"One other thing Admiral," Trotter casually said.

"Your fly is down."

"Find a replacement for the Captain."

"Yes Lord Trotter." Mosley said obediently.

"Good boy, now go fetch my slippers and the Sunday paper."

Owen waited till everyone was seated before he began. "Good morning Sith." He dimmed the lights and the holoprojector came to life in the front of the room.

"Okay, I hope you all brought your permission slips from your parents...today we're doing Sex Ed."

He walked slowly around the table. "This is the Omanian system. It is just inside the boarder of New Republic/Imperial space. For quite sometime now, this planet has served little purpose other than a few minerals being deported. It is no real value to the New Republic and is occupied by only a few thousand people."

"That's not even a small village. This planet must be like twenty miles long."

He pressed a button on his pad and the planet grew smaller revealing more of the system around it. Surrounding the system were 6 capital ships. Imperial starships. "The planet is being blockaded. By whom we do not know. We only know this: if that planet becomes occupied by Imperial forces, other Imperial warlords will begin crossing the boarder and taking planets. Slowing advancing within New Republic space." He shut off the holo and the lights came on. "Our job is to go in and run them off."

"And destroy what few citizens remain alive in the Omanian system."

Michael raised a hand. "Sir, how long will we have to train for this mission?"

"Uh, about five minutes."

"24 hours Flight Officer." Owen replied.

Zak's eyes widened a bit. "But sir," he protested, "Do you think that will be enough time?"

"No, and frankly, that's the point. We're going to see how easily you guys get destroyed. Don't let me down...I bet with Antilles that you'd die in under two minutes.""

"C'mon, lose one for the Gipper!"

Owen nodded slightly and clasp his hands behind his back. "Do you not have confidence in my judgment Captain? If I think this squadron can pull that off in that time then I will give the assignment. If I didn't think we could, I would have given us more time."

"Ooh, someone got punked."

He glanced around. "If there is nothing else, then I will be meeting you all in the simulators. Dismissed."

Zak dove hard and banked right. All the while Daniel on his tail. "Six, bank hard to port when I say and swoop around behind this rookie."

"Jen?"

"As ordered Five." came Daniel.

"Yes?"

"Three two one... mark!"

"Ya know, I don't really like saying Jen."

"Then why'd you say it!?"

"I don't know....I'm bored."

Zak rolled to starboard while Daniel rolled to port. The TIE pilot being confused rolled to port after the nearest target. Zak swung around and leveled in behind the TIE Fighter and fired his laser cannons. His lasers scored a direct hit on the TIE and it exploded in a ball of flame.

"What else would it explode in? A ball of Jello?"

"Good shooting Five." They reformed and looked for another group of targets.

"The Backstreet Boys are flying those TIE fighters over there."

Meanwhile, Owen and Hicks followed by the rest of One Flight swooped in low. They
were 4 klicks away from the star destroyer and had their torps armed and ready. "Wait till I give the word then let loose all your torps by order." Owen commanded. "Ready to fire .... Mark!"

"Why do they keep yelling at poor Mark?"

Eight streaks of red shot from the X-Wings and glided towards their target. Each scored a direct hit on the shields of the Imperial Star Destroyer. "Fire 2!" Again, 8 streaks and 8 contacts. The Imperial Star Destroyer didn't wait around for another volley. By this point, its shields were down and it's bridge was open to attack. Owen could see the fighters being brought back into the bay of the star destroyer and swung around on an exit vector.

"All Sith, form up on me."

"And then I want you to all hit the self-destruct button on your snubbies and blow yourselves up."

When all the Sith were in position, Owen fed the coordinates into the nav computers and they all made the jump to lightspeed.

One by one they all crawled from their simulators.

"Wow, gee, what a fun cyber orgy. Same time tomorrow?"

Michelle looked over to Doug. "Nice shooting in there. If that were to happen for real, you would really save my neck."

"If that were to happen for real it woulda been me shooting at you."

Doug shook it off and grinned. "It was the least I could do.... hey, wanna have.."

"Sex?"

Michelle dropped down to the ground before he could finish. "Nope, sorry Doug, gotta do my exercises."

"Well, we would be exercising...."

That was twice that Doug had again made an attempt to ask Michelle out to dinner. It was getting on her nerves. Sure, she wouldn't mind having a guy asking her our but... Doug!

"Geez, what a loser."

She shook her head. Not that there was anything wrong with him but he was so young. It would wear off soon she hoped.

Screech was standing quietly under Laura's simulator waiting for her to crawl down. When she never did, he decided to look up and have a peek. He quietly leaned over to look into the cockpit.... and saw no one.

"Uh, hello? Anyone there?"

But he spun on a credit when he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.

"I didn't do it!"

He was looking directly into her eyes... they were a beautiful sight, when she wasn't ticked off.

"Which right now wasn't the case."

"Just what do you think your doing," she demanded, "snooping around my simulator?"

"Well, that's kind of what stalkers do, ya know."

"Well, uhh.." He stammered but quickly recovered. "I was waiting for you. I thought I might escort you back to your room."

"And then we could have a little roll in the hay..."

He smiled and held out his arm. "I can be very good company ya know. It never hurts to just talk to someone."

"I'd rather talk to A.C....he was on the wrestling team."

"Damn Slater! He always gets the girls!"

She eyed him closely and then let loose a small grin.

"You couldn't handle me, boy."

"Sure.. why not." She put her arm around his and began walking. "So Screech, tell me a little bit about your background."

"Well, me and Zack went to Bayside High School, where we were always up to some scheme. Usually Mr. Belding caught us though, but there was this one time..."

Screech shrugged and figured, what the heck. "I grew up on the planet Sluis Van. My father was a smuggler and my mother was a trouble maker..."

"Just like me!"

"...She was not around often so much so I mostly grew up with my father." He pressed the door release button to the simulation room and walked out into the hallway with Laura.

"What was he like? Your father." Laura asked him.

"Oh, what you'd expect. Cross-dressing, drinking, prostitution...the norm."

"He was ok I guess. Always going places, doing things. He was never set down for anything longer than a negoation to get something from some Hutt or such." He sorta smiled then he gave a look of sadness. "He was transporting a load of weapons to a planet when an Imperial warship stopped him and boarded his vessel. He was in Imp space and smuggling weapons were illegal..."

"Uh, hate to break this to ya, Screech, but smuggling weapons ANYWHERE is illegal."

"...Especially if you were selling them to Imperial controlled worlds that wanted under New Republic control."

Laura knew what was coming but she asked anyway. "What happened to him?"

"Oh, I killed him years ago..."

Screech stared straight ahead while he spoke. Never flinching. "We received a holo of him in a prison cell..."

"His cellmate was a 300 pound man named Bubba."

"...My mother and I never saw him again. Soon after, my mother left me and I went to live with my friend, David. When I was 18, I joined the New Republic Starfighter Command and here I am today." He looked down at her and gave a sly grin.

"What a shitty life."

"Well, enough about me. Tell me about you."

They stopped outside of her quarters and she looked at him. "Well Mr. Green, I am at my room. You can go now." He opened the door and paused. She turned her head back to him and said, "But if you really wish to know what I'm like, come on inside." She gave him a evil grin and walked into the room.

"Oh yeah, she wants me. Okay, I just gotta remember what I saw in all those pornvids I still watch...er...used to watch."

Screech shook his head and muttered to himself. "I may regret this later but, what the
heck." He closed the door behind him as he went into her room.

"Regret it? What the hell would he regret about having sex with a beautiful woman?"

"Moron."

"He doesn't deserve to score."

Dee nodded to Owen as he entered the hanger.

"Good morrow, Abbot."

"All the ships have been checked out and are ready to go."

"I rigged them with bombs just like you asked, sir."

"Good," came Owen. "I will have all the Sith ready for departure in less than 5 hours." He looked around. "Ensign Henry." The Ensign came running up and saluted to Owen.

"What up, Meat?"

"Have Captain Gleason prepare the Glencoe for take off."

"Aye Aye Sir!" Henry spun and ran to the Captain to inform him.

Owen gave Dee a nod and strolled towards the briefing room. He pulled his comlink and spoke into it on the way. "Captain Tucker, meet me in the briefing room. We have a plan of action to discuss."

"Dee knows too much, we have to eliminate him."

There was a chill in the air that morning.

"Then they shouldn't be standing inside the freezer."

Everyone knew what the plan was and they had boarded the ship. The mood was one of silence, fear almost. Even so, they knew they had a mission and that they must accomplish it.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it...oh wait, you don't have a say in it."

Daniel and Beetle stood at the bay windows of the Glencoe as the ship made its jump into hyperspace.

"Oh, don't you just love looking at the sunset on Play-Doh world?"

The flicker of light and the stars streaming past in a blue. Then, the continuous shift from blue to gray in the darkest parts of space around them.

Daniel turned away from the window to see the rest of the Sith sitting around in the lounge. This was his first mission with this group of pilots and he was nervous. They all were. He could... sense it.

"Hmmm. That isn't a hint, is it?"

Kinda like a 6th sense. He couldn't really explain it.

"Can I tell you a secret? I see dead people..."

"Of course you do...they're called the Fake Sith Squadron. And soon they'll be dead..."

Finally the silence was broken by Michelle. "Does anyone else got this strange feeling like something bad is waiting for us out there. I don't mean just the Imperials."

"Well, at least three members of your squadron are planning on blowing you up...does that classify as something bad?"

"Not for us."

She glanced around the room to see if anyone even heard her.

"But they were too busy reading the latest issue of Tv Guide to pay attention to her."

Zak nodded. "Yes, something is going to happen." He paused then sipped his ale. "But I do not believe it will be bad. I believe it will be something good."

"The squad is gonna get wiped out!?"

He shrugged. "Then again, I could be wrong."

"You always are."

Nicole started in. "Well I don't feel nothing..."

"And I also failed English."

"...Except the coldness in this room." And she was right. The room was awfully cold.

"Maybe you should leave the freezer then."

Steph reached to turn up the heat but stooped when she saw that it was on 80º F. She swallowed and then decided to just leave it. Wondering why they all felt cold when the room was so warm.

"Maybe cuz' they're naked and sitting on giant ice cubes."

The intercom came on and Owen was heard over com unit.

"Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!"

"All Sith, report to the briefing room for final briefing." It clicked off. The Sith stood and all filed from the room.

"Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work we go!"

They all sat while Owen spoke.

"Except for Beetle who was lying down naked in the bath tub."

"This will be a quick mission. In and out..."

"Oh man, that reminds me..."

"Jace, I don't wanna hear it!"

"Jeez, I was just gonna say I was hungry and wouldn't mind going to In and Out Burger...damn."

"...I want it to go quick and easy. No foul ups." He turned to the holoprojector and displayed the Omanian System once again. This time with only one star destroyer orbiting the planet. "As you can see," Owen began. "The better part of the Imperial occupation has left the system..."

"This, of course, makes no sense except that it is really convenient and makes our job a lot simpler for no apparent reason."

"...There only remains one Imperial Star Destroyer. Out mission is to go in, destroy the star destroyer and get out...."

"Hopefully lots of you will be slaughtered in the process."

"...The Glencoe will take us to a point just outside the system where the X-Wings will be deployed and we will make a hop into the system...."

"I just thought of something...this happens fifty years after Endor. Why are they using X-wings? By now don't you think they'd have something more...advanced?"

"Yeah, it's like flying a Preybird...just completely outdated and useless. ACK! I can't believe you just made me say that! Damn you Jaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"

"...Once there, you will have very little time before eyeballs and possibly some squints move to engage you." He paused and deactivated the holoprojector while the lights came back on. "Any questions?"

"How come there have been no technological advances in the last thirty or forty years?"

"What ever happened to the Yuuzhan Vong?"

"Why aren't you wearing pants?"

"What did they have to pay you to be in this god awful movie?"

"What's your relationship with Lindsay? And why was a cigar found in your office?"

"WHEN WILL THIS MOVIE END!!!???"

He looked around then nodded. "Good, then get to your fighters. We will be departing in less than an hour. Dismissed."

The Sith departed from the room and headed for the hanger bay.

The hanger bay doors opened and the X-Wings began to depart from the ships hanger. Owen brought his X-Wing out in front and the members of One Flight lined up in formation behind him. Shortly after, the rest of the squadron followed suit.

"Well, time for you guys to die."

"All wings report in." Owen ordered.

They did as ordered. Owen finished the computations then gave the order. "Ready to jump into hyperspace in 3, 2, 1, jump!" The canopies all filled with the wondrous blue swirls of hyperspace.

"LARRY VISION!"

"Nah, that's just what happens when you drop acid before a mission."

Then, just as quick as it began, it was over.

"Another down side to drugs..."

Instead of seeing empty space now, they were rewarded with a massive Imperial Star Destroyer.

"That's a reward? Damn, I'd hate to see a punishment."

"May the Force be with you." came Owen as they emerged from hyperspace.

"And may your foreheads grow like the mighty oak."

"What!?"

"Uh, nevermind."

"Five to lead, incoming multiple boogies dead ahead. I count 6 sir."

"Five to Lead, multiple boogers coming in from the left nostril. I count six, sir. Moving index finger to intercept!"

"Two Flight," Came Sith 1, "Make your run on the Star Destroyer before anymore fighters show up. After you deliver your torps, get back here so Three Flight can make their run."

"And while you're there ask if they got those cool glow in the dark flightsuits I heard about on the internet."

"As ordered lead. Lock S-Foils in attack position and head for that star destroyer."

"Oh, this ought to prove entertaining."

While Two Flight was dealing with the star destroyer, One and Three Flight had their hands full with the eyeballs.

Owen and Hicks banked hard to port while Vest and Gowan banked to starboard as they came in. Owen scored a direct impact on one eyeball destroying it instantly. Vest fired but missed and took damage to her forward shields.

"How could her missing a shot make her damage her forward shields?"

Two TIE's gave chase to Sith 3 and 4 while the other 3 continued on to Flight Three. They each performed the same maneuvers however getting no kills.

"They should try firing their lasers...it helps."

Owen swung around and looked on his scanners. Two Flight had launched all torps at the star destroyer. It would still take another run to destroy the ship.

"Wow, they make Star Destroyers weak these days. Ya know, in my day..."

He also noticed that a squadron of fighters were heading their way too.

Sith 11 and 12 were on the tail of a TIE when 12 took hit to his rear shields. "Whatever you plan on doing 11, do it quick."

"I hope she plans on dying."

11 put the TIE in her sights and squeezed the trigger. The TIE exploded in a flame of debris.

"Oooh, pretty."

She glanced at her rear scopes to see 12 getting pounded by laser fire from a pursuing TIE. She had to do something. "12, stay on course. I got you covered." She swung her X-Wing around to loop in behind the TIE. But instead of it staying on course behind 12, it looped around and tried to fall in behind her. She knew that he would be on her in seconds if she didn't.... but suddenly the TIE exploded and she saw 12 in the place where the TIE should be. "Thanks 12."

"Okay, that just didn't make any sense."

"My pleasure 11." He swung back in formation with 11.

"They need to start referring to people by names, or at least make it clearer who is who. I don't know who any of these numbers are."

"But do you care?"

"Not really."

"Well there ya go."

Meanwhile, Two Flight had returned to the fray. Along with a squadron of TIE's.

"They followed me home, sir, can we keep them?"

"Three Flight," came Owen, "begin your run on the ISD."

"May the Power of Grayskull be with you!"

"As ordered lead." Three Flight flew into formation and headed for the ISD. 4 TIE's in pursuit the whole way.

"We've got four boogers on our back!"

"How'd you get boogers on your back?"

"Uh, long story."

9 saw the 4 TIE's behind them and made a decision.

"Screw you guys, I'm a goin' home."

"11 and 12, continue on towards the ISD. 10 and I will take care of the TIE's."

"Translation: We're gonna play with the ships that break easy while you can go off and die."

9 banked hard to port and 10 to starboard 2 TIE's following them in the process. 9 hit his rudder and dived throwing the Imp pilot off. He pulled back up to see him dead in his sights. He pulled the trigger and the TIE exploded in a ball of flame. He moved in behind one chasing his 2 other companions and fired, barely hitting the TIE and sending it spinning off into space.

"Why can't he just spell the number out? Is it really that hard?"

10 managed to vape her attacker but not after taking on damage to her shields. She looked up to see the others coming back. They had attacked the ISD and it was already setting a flame. She got back into formation and headed back with the others.

Back in the fray, One Flight was having its problems. Having been in the entire fight, they were the most tired and bogged down.

"And yet they are still alive...what a shame..."

3 pulled back on the stick hard as a pair of TIE's flew on her tail blasting away at her rear shields. "This is three, I could use some help here."

"Who cares?"

Her wingman had her hands full as well. 4 was getting pounded with fire when suddenly it stooped and the TIE's began to veer off. They were being recalled to their ship. She was lucky this time.

"Damnit, when is someone gonna die!?"

Owen turned to see another TIE get vaped and then saw an X-Wing explode. It was 3.

"YES!"

"WOOT!"

"OYAH!"

She was being pursued by 2 TIE's at the time. Anger filled Owen and he could tell that the other members of the squadron felt it too.

"This is Lead, pursue all TIE's running for home. Wipe them out...all of them!!" A hard edge was in his voice as he ordered the squadron to pursue.

"Somebody saw The Phantom Menace."

All Sith formed up and locked in on the running TIE's. Sith 5 and 6 fired on a pair of TIE's directly ahead. 5 shot one down with lasers while 6 used his torps. 8 lined up a shot and disabled the TIE. She ordered the rest of the squadron to leave it and let the pilot die in the icy cold of space. The rest of the squadron followed and destroyed in a ruthless fashion. Destroying everything in their way. 10 noticed an Imp Pilot who had bailed out. She vaped him without thinking twice.

"Wow, she must be brave picking on a poor pilot who is EV. I hope she feels proud of herself."

Owen looked up to see the Star Destroyer angling towards the planet and escape pods began launching from its hull.

"That's what happens when you buy Ford."

"This is lead, take out the escape pods. We take no prisoners!"

"I'm sure the guys you're killing are happy anyway, then they don't have to be in the movie anymore."

One by one, the escape pods were vaporized killing off the innocent crewmen and officers on board. Owen ordered that they leave one or two so word would get out. Finally, after running out of targets, the Sith formed up and jumped back to the Glencoe who stood waiting for them like a mother waits for her son to come home.

That day, not one Imp fighter pilot lived and more crewmen from the ISD died in escape pods then on the ship. The Sith had struck and they would strike again.

"Their next target: Canada."

Commander Owen watched as Antilles skimmed over the reports from the battle.

"You misspelled X-wing, Owen. And you probably shouldn't refer to Zak as dumbass in reports, even if it is true."

He never said much in times like this but kept his attention on the matter that a Commander or General had given him. Namely, Owens report.

"Huh?"

"Only one pilot lost. Some minor X-Wing damage and such but nothing severe in that field." He set down the report and looked into the view screen at Owen. "It is this pilot that troubles me."

"Oh yeah, which pilot died?"

Owen nodded. "She will be hard to replace. The fact that she was Lieutenant and had more training and experience doesn't help matters none."

"Wait, so who was it?"

Antilles sighed. "This is more of a crimp in plans than you can possibly imagine." Antilles resisted the urge to stand and pace the room. He often did that while the thought.

"So he must not pace often."

"Besides, I am sending a new recruit that I found to you anyway. She is someone whom I think will serve her purpose."

"What!?"

Owen was taken back a bit. "You found a replacement so soon sir?"

"Yes," He paused. "Not a replacement but I found her and thought she would be a good backup just in case..."

"Uh, that's what a replacement is, numbnuts."

"...And that case is now." He inserted a file card into the computer. "I am sending you her file. Congratulations Commander, she's your first alien in the squadron. Twi'lek to be exact." He smiled. "Her name is April Woodard."

"What kind of name is April Woodard for a Twi'lek? Ack, this guy sucks."

"Ooh, a female AND an alien...that's two strikes against her in Owen's book."

Owen hit a couple of buttons as the transmission started to come in. "Understood sir." He looked at the Admiral. "Is there any word from the Imperial forces or this Lord Trotter?"

"Wait, how did they find out about Lord Trotter? Trotter never announced himself, nor were there any survivors to interrogate after the battle. Just one of those insignificant details that doesn't matter in the long run, eh?"

Antilles leaned back in his chair and clasp his hands together at the finger tips. "No real word as of now. We suspect he still has at least 5 ISD's out there. Possibly more. And Commander, we are not talking about 40 year old ships..."

"Even though they blow up like eighty year junkers without shields."

"...These are a little over a year old at the oldest. Someone is supplying him with war ships and our intelligence has yet to figure out who..."

"Ha ha! It's funny to think that they actually have an Intelligence Division. Run by Ric Olie, no doubt."

"Look, this movie blows!"

"No shit, Olie!"

"...But when we do, it will be your mission to take out those shipyards and his production stations." He waved a hand.

"Bah, now be gone with you! I hate mimes!"

"But enough about him for now. I am worried about the moral of the Sith right now."

"Why, they destroyed a star destroyer and a wing of TIE fighters at the expense of only one life...they should be thank the Schwartz they're even alive."

Owens expression never changed. His cold eyes looked at Antilles totally lost of all emotion. "They are taking the death of their comrade rather well..."

"Why? I can't remember one line she ever said to any of them."

"...She is missed by all but I have learned not to get to close to new pilots. I believe Tillery is taking it the hardest. She is also one of my next recommendations for promotion. As well as Flight Officer Hale."

"For what? Sucking in the line of duty?"

"Zak is receiving an award for sucking out of the line of duty...if you know what I mean..."

"Will you be shifting around the roster?" Asked Antilles.

There was a pause while Owen thought.

"There's a first."

"Yes, I believe so. I will pair a few people up a little differently but we will get used to the change by our next assignment."

"We shall destroy Euro-Disneyland...they shall burn..."

"Very well Commander. We shall keep in touch. Antilles out."

Owen threw a small salute just as the transmission ended.

"Man, I can never get in the last word!"

The mood was a sad one. Which was up from depression the first 4 days after they returned to the base. They were all still cooping with the death of their fellow squadmate. Steph still needed a wingman and rumor was someone was going to move up to One Flight. The sadness was replaced with hope and slight competition fighting for that spot.

"If they're this sad about the death of a pilot who wasn't even featured prominently in the story, imagine how they would've acted if Dee had been killed....no bartender!"

"ACK!"

Question was, who would get it.

"SHOE!"

"No, I want the tree stump!"

"Hey, why don't we combine tree and stump.....Trumpy!"

"WOOT!"

Doug laid in the floor quietly and watched as the others talked. He had been laying there for a couple hours and could feel his arm starting to go to sleep. He didn't really seem to care.

"He was just tired of being in the movie. For once I sympathize with him."

"Maybe.... umm.. we could hit the sims and perhaps get our minds off of things." Ventured Steph.

"Or we could just end the movie now and make everyone happy."

"What does it matter," snapped Cain. "When we got out, things would still be the same."

Zak sighed. "It matters cause we at least get some practice and we take our minds off things even for a little while."

"And we can se in...LARRY VISION!"

"You're describing drugs Tucker." Snorted Laura. "You get high for a while but you gotta come back down sometime."

"Hey, now there's a good idea!"

Michael looked over at Cain and smirked. "You sound like you have experience in that department."

"What's it to ya?" She asked rather defensively.

"That's okay, I'm addicted to spice."

"Look guys," came Screech in defense. "Just lay off of Laura. She's not the enemy okay."

"You're just saying that cuz you're sleeping with her!"

"True, but I would like to know if someone I'm flying with is under the influence." Came Lindsay.

"Y'see, in the real Sith Squadron we always know that...because everyone is always under the influence while flying."

Craiger cleared his throat and intervened. "Look, even I am known to do a little of something from time to time but I will tell you guys now, I won't bring it around the squadron or 48 hours before a mission." He eyed Laura. "I play it fairly smart."

"Wow, everyone here is a junkie...maybe that's what's special about these guys. Shoulda named it Rehab Squad."

Zak gestured towards his wingman. "What about your friend?"

Daniel spoke up in his usual quick to answer voice. "Don't touch the stuff. Never have."

"Not since yesterday."

He always did that. While Daniel sounded suspicious at first, it was later discovered he was a paranoid human being. And a very violent one at that. One time during a game of sabacc, Doug was messing with Daniel and decided to freak him out by kissing at him from across the table. Rather funny up to the point Daniel threw himself across the table and lunged at Doug's throat. Very violent indeed.

"Where the hell did that paragraph come from?"

"They just wanted to explain Doug's latent homosexuality tendencies, I think."

"Ah."

"Well... whatever.... " Came Laura from virtually nowhere. "Come on Screech, lets go."

"Ooh, someone is whipped."

"Whoopah!"

Screech promptly hoped down off of the counter which he was sitting on and mock saluted everyone. "Talk to ya later guys... oh, and girls." He half smiled and left with Laura.

"He's gonna score again. What a pimp."

Zak yawned then stretched. "I'm getting lazy. I need to go run a few laps."

"Try doing it out in Zero-G without a breathing mask...I heard it works wonders for high blood pressure."

Michael spoke without looking at Zak. "I hear that Ensign Henry runs. Perhaps you can run a few laps with him."

A grin spread across Zak's face. "That would be rather prime. I might go talk to him about that." He looked around. "Anyone wanna join me?"

"That would be prime? Uh, if you say so....dickweed..."

Michelle looked up then eyed Doug and caught him looking up at her. She didn't need to think.

"Don't leave me with the pervert!"

"Yeah Zak. Wait up man." She hurried after him and they took off for the crew quarters.

Peterson and Craiger exchanged glances and a smirk hit Peterson.

"You're so cute!"

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Peterson asked Craiger.

"Yeah! Let's go and blow up another frat house for no reason!"

"Hey Beetle, did they ever explain why we did that?"

"Uh, I guess because it's in the script, Craiger."

"Okay!"

"Ohhh yeah. Time to his the sims baby!"

"LARRY VISION!"

Craiger jumped up and started laughing. "Ready man!"

"Yeah, but this time I get to fly the Blastboat while you get the A-wing...Ha ha!"

"Ha ha!"

"Ha ha!"

Petersons eyes widened then he went back to his deadly cold faced self and calmly said, "Sure."

Craiger turned towards the rest of the squadron left in the room and asked if they cared to join. None of them did so they went for the sim room alone, cracking on how the other was going to vape them into little bitty particles the whole way.

"Uh-oh, Beetle and Peterson are alone with Michael's CyberErotica sim machine....hmmm..."

"Hey Michael, didn't Owen say that we are gonna start on training again this Monday?" Lindsay asked Michael.

"EGAD!"

"Uhh... yeah.. no wait, he said Sunday." He answered after a bit of thinking.

"ACK!"

"No," came Lindsay. "I think he said Monday."

"JIMINY CRICKET!"

"No Lindsay, I'm pretty sure he said Sunday. I would remember Monday."

"THEY DON'T HAVE DAYS IN STAR WARS! WHAT A KRIFFING MORON!"

"Look man, would that make any sense?"

"Why would it? Nothing else in this movie has."

She gave him very familiar look that reminded him of someone.

"Holy Batcaves Batman! It's Catwoman!"

"Do that again." He asked her.

She tried to figure out what he meant but couldn't. "Do what again?"

"Uh, bend over?"

"That face you just made. You look like someone I know." He tried to place it but couldn't. "If you do it again I will remember."

"I am not making no face for you." She sulked at him.

"I'm also not making no proper English for you."

"Geez Lindsay don't be difficult." He snapped at her.

"Yeah, stop being so stubborn and sleep with me already!"

"I'm not being difficult! I just don't wanna make the face!" She crossed her arms.

"We're not in kindergarten, you know! So there!"

"That's it, I'm not talking to you."

"Lindsay..."

"Nope."

"Lind...."

"Nope."

Michael rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'm leaving then."

"Maybe they are in kindergarten. They act like it."

Lindsay turned her head. "Good. Go away. Get out."

Michael slammed his fist down into the table and left the room.

"How come Screech can score but I can't? Man, I must be losing my touch..."

"Freggin reject." Lindsay muttered under her breath. She looked over at Doug and Steph and noticed both laying next to each other silently talking in the floor. "Eek. Maybe I should leave." She whispered to herself. So off she went out into the base to find something to do.

"Everyone seems to be scoring now...we've gone from bad B movie, to bad porno movie."

Dee sat polishing the landing skid on the X-Wing in front of him. This one belonged to Captain Tucker. Boy did he keep a clean ship without the help of Dee. Too bad all the pilots didn't take care of equipment like Zak and Michelle did.

"The others were filled with hypodermic needles, porno mags, spilled beer, and nachos in the proton torpedo bays."

They must be perfectionist of the squadron. Where as Beetle and Screech seemed to just not give a care. But that's what Dee was there for. He heard the bay door open and saw Lindsay coming in. "Coming to clean your X-Wing I am assuming." He said to her.

"You assume too much." She grinned. "What's up Dee. Long time to see." She stopped. "Whoa. That rhymed!"

"Whoa! So what!?"

Dee gave Lindsay an odd look. "Very observant of you Lindsay." He laughed. "With talent like that I wonder why you didn't join CorSec."

"Well, I thought an internship with the president would be a better job...boy was I wrong..."

She gave him an annoyed look. "Ha ha. Very funny Mr. Funnyman." She inspected the other X-Wings around the hanger. "You always keep things in this good of order?"

Dee smiled at the pride in his word. "Always. I can't wait till the new one comes in. Should be sometime soon I hear. I get to paint her solid black just like the rest." He tilted his head to one side. "You people should really put some distinguishing marks on these babies to tell them apart."

"I thought I'd paint mine like a rubber ducky, to inspire fear, ya know."

Lindsay tilted her head to one side. "That would be a good idea." She walked over to the supply closet.

Dee looked at her. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To get some paint." Lindsay replied and skipped to the closet.

"If I don't whitewash the fence my aunt won't let me go swimming with Huck and the rest of the boys."

Lord Trotter looked blankly out into space. His personal cabin was empty. Save for a table and a chair that folds down flat into a small bed.

Things didn't exactly work the way he wanted them too.

"Maybe things would look better if he saw the world through LARRY VISION!"

This bunch was a bit more powerful then he had thought. Perhaps it was time to put a little more Force on them. He smiled at the thought. The Dark Side was his ally. With it, he would destroy the New Republic. But one step at a time.

"Baby steps through the room...baby steps through the hall..."

The com buzzed. Trotter turned to look at the viewscreen on the side of the wall. Admiral Mosley. "We have received the last of the survivors from the Blue Monday. It seems the majority of the crew was killed... in the escape pods." Mosely looked rather shocked. "I have never known New Republic squadrons to attack the escape pods. Even Imperials escaping."

"That's because you're a dumbass, Mosely. I'm kinda wishing I hadn't killed ol' Watts now..."

Trotter smiled. "It's because they are not New Republic fighters. They just think they are."

"They really work for United Federation of Annoying People...led by Luke Skywalker, Jacen Solo, Jar Jar Binks, Waru, and Callista."

"Ewww!"

He turned back to the viewscreen. "Set a course for the Lutag System. We will rendezvous with the rest of the fleet and by then, I will have my plan fully thought out."

"Eh, let's just go hit a bar, get drunk, and then find some hookers to punch in the mouth with a roll of quarters."

"So a typical Friday night, sir?"

Mosley bowed. "Yes my Lord." Then the viewscreen clicked off.

Trotter turned back to the window. "Soon," he said to himself. "Soon your cadets will be mine Antilles. And I will show them the true nature of the Force."

"C'mon....c'mon...."

"...almost there...almost there...."

"...just a little bit longer....little bit longer...."

The End

"NANOO!"

"WOOT!"

"THANK GOD!"

"Man, that was bad...I can't believe Ane put us through that."

"Yeah, geez, what'd be ever do to him to deserve that?"

"I don't care, it's over and that's all that matters. Let's just get out of here before someone decides to make a sequel..."

As the viewscreen blurred into focus, Darth Ane appeared with a smug look on his face. "So...are you three ready to bow to my will and serve me in my quest to dominate the galaxy?"

But no one was paying attention. Jace was off chasing Jen in the corner, and Skate was painting something on the far wall of the Satellite of Love.

"C'mon, Jen, let's play Screech and Laura!" Jace pleaded, chasing her around the corridors of the Satellite of Love.

"For the last time, no!" Then she stopped and looked at Ane. "I don't mind guys chasing me around...but JACE!?"

When she continued running she accidentally bumped into Skate, who stood up and yelled, "Hey, I'm trying to paint my name aesthetically and in alphabetical order on the wall of the Satellite of Love! Don't bump into me or else I'll rip off your arm and STICK IT DOWN YOUR THROAT UNTIL IT'S STICKING OUT YOUR...."

"Skate!" Jen an Jace yelled.

"Sorry, thought I was Beetle there for a second..."

Suddenly Code appeared on the screen next to Ane, looking like his usual self. Jace let out a terrified yelp. "ACK! It's a female alien! Quick, get Owen down here to blow her up! How come when you really need to buy a thermal detonator Beetle and Daniel are never around..."

"You're....not bowing?" Ane said, surprise evident on his face.

"Bowing? Of course not!" Jen yelled happily.

"But...why not? The movie should have killed you...how can you be so jubilant!?"

"That's exactly it, Ane!" Skate said. "It should have killed us...but it didn't! That was the worst movie ever made! Which means..."

"...that nothing you can ever do to us can possibly be worse than that!" Jace finished. "WOOT!"

It was then that Ane realized his plan had failed. "Grrr...I'll get you for this, Siths, you shall pay!"

"Yeah, speaking of Siths, Ane, we DO have a little present for you..." Jen smiled.

Ane's face lit up. "A present! I love presents! What is it?"

Skate smiled. "Look out your front viewport."

Ane ran over to the viewport and stared out. "What? I don't see anything...except for four starfighters flying towards me..."

"Exactly...Eight, you may commence strafing run."

"Copy that, Lead." Palin said from her, snubfighter. Everyone watched as the pilots of Sith Squadron, Palin, Seven, Rick, and Star, started their attack run on Ane's headquarters. After several strafing runs the building was crumbling and on fire.

****

"Oh God, Ane, save me!" Code yelled melodramatically as he ran around frantically inside the collapsing building. "Oh no, oh no, oh no! I can't die...I'm a Christian! Save me! Save me!"

"Oh SHUT UP!" Ane bellowed, slapping him in the head. "We must use the Interoceter to escape..."

"Uh...the Interoceter didn't share my religious beliefs...so I kind of blew it up..."

"Damnit, Code! Now how will we escape!?"

"Uh, we could jump out the window!"

"Code, you idiot! We're on the 42nd floor....uh, yeah, why don't we do that, Code. You first."

"Okay!" Not even thinking, Code got a running start and jumped through the window, falling all forty two floors. Ane chuckled as he walked over to his hidden TIE Defender. "Moron..." He jumped inside his Defender and flew off, escaping the building only seconds before it collapsed.

Ane curled his fist and squeezed tightly as the Defender flew away. "Gadget....I'll get you!"

****

"Wow, that was fun! We should order more air strikes on people!" Jace yelled.

"Yeah! It was!" Skate yelled.

"Hey, where is the Fake Sith Squadron holed up these days?" Jen asked. Then she laughed.

"Ha ha!"

"Ha ha!"

"Ha ha!"

The real end!