Author's Note: Okay I was in a really depressed mood when I wrote this. I have no clue what brought this on. Sheesh, anyway get ready for some really sappy reading. And oh yeah, send me comments and feedback? Please? Onegai? Also if this fic hasn't totally turned you off on my writing, do read Still Waters Run Deep. It's even more dramatic than this one! Promise!
Blue. A blue so clear. Lovely, seemingly like those of an infant, such an innocent blue. His eyes. But how they can lie. How they can deceive. Not so innocent. Not so trusting. His eyes, a clear light blue. Kind they are not. Windows to the soul? If so he must not have one. For they're so hard, so cold. Staring into those eyes I could drown. Or freeze. Those eyes.
His eyes. They could warm you with their bright gaze. Or freeze you with searing coldness within them. You can't move, can't act, can't think, looking into those eyes. That's all I can see when he looks at me that way.
Those eyes. They should be dreamy. They should be often sparkle with laughter, dance with mischief, beautiful in their innocence. Such a shade of blue should reflect such things. But they don't. Cold as shards of icicles floating in freezing water. Like diamonds, beautiful yet cold. What can a person tell from such eyes?
They show nothing. Reveal nothing. Only in rare instances do they show what really goes on inside him. If only I could catch him, with a pure sweet smile. If only I could see those sweet blue eyes, before his tragedy occurred. Before those sweet blue eyes turned hard. Before he wrapped his heart in a fortress of ice. Won't you let me?
I love you but won't you let me see? Can't you let me in?
I look into his eyes but I see nothing. I look into his eyes and feel nothing. Nothing but the pain. My pain. My hurt. My tears. Won't you let me? Let me know? Your eyes. In unguarded moments, they can be so expressive. But I don't know you well enough to interpret what I see. If only I could turn back time. Or do something...anything, to bring laughter into your eyes again.
His eyes. Do they reflect anything anymore? Happiness? Joy? Love? Laughter? All I see is his determination. Admirable yet you've closed yourself off. From everything. We're your friends. Won't you let us know? Won't you let us love you and care about you? Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I can see strange lights playing in them. Does that mean you feel something? Anything? But often when I gaze into your clear blue eyes, all I see is your cold, detached gaze. So painfully objective, an outsider.
Did you make yourself this way? On the outside looking in? Or on the inside looking out? Inside the walls you've placed yourself in. How can I help you? I want to but will you let me? Let me love you? Let me heal you?
Baby blue eyes. I've heard that said once. I disagree. Nothing childlike about them. Not innocent, as I've said before. Not at all. His eyes aren't those of a baby's. More like that of a sad angel. Yes that's it. An angel's eyes. A tragic angel...or maybe an avenging one.
You fight for her. You will one day accomplish your mission. But after that then what? What will happen to you? You've dedicated your life to this mission. Poured your whole being in it. But once it's gone what's left? The next step is healing, but you've never let that wound heal. Never let nature run it's course.
Looking into your eyes is a revelation. It is like being offered a glimpse of a puzzle. Like staring into the depths of the sea, full of secrets and darkness. Yet when I reach out, the walls come down again.You keep me out. You keep everyone out.
Looking into your eyes is like seeing the center, the heart of ice. The blue in them reflect only my face. What I feel for you is so visible. Do you disdain me for it?
A tragic angel. With a face of perfection and eyes that would make fairies weep in envy. Yet what is there? I can feel it. The fire of your vengeance blazing beneath the ice. Will it one day burn out? And with it gone what will become of you? It is what drives you. After that will you lose your meaning in life?
You try so hard, to keep us caring for you. But you've failed. I love you. We all do. We can't help it. I don't pity you, but I pity the poor child you were. I sympathize with your loss, but I won't let it keep me from helping you.
You're not made of ice. You try to be. When I touch you, when I look at you, I can see the effort you put to block it all off. All passion for anything other than your mission.
It's foolish. Staring into the clear blue pools of your eyes. They seem clear, without guile, artifice, devoid of anything hateful. But yet you're so full of anger. How deceptive. Like a shallow pool you dive into only to discover it's true depth, much higher than your head. And you drown.
Your eyes. Like a clear sky above. What a lie. Not at all clear. Full of dark troubled clouds. To weep the tears of angels for you.
All of us want you to be happy. I know she would. She would want you to go on. Can't you see that? Everything. The sun reaches out, it's golden rays seeking to fill you with warmth, to melt the ice around you. The moon offers her tender light to heal. The willow weeps, hoping that your grieving would be eased as well.
But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you've never grieved. Is that why your eyes, seemingly limitless, can become hard orbs?
So fascinating. Your eyes that show so much yet reveal so little. Leaving everything to one's own interpretation. I don't understand because you won't let me.
Your refusal, your rejection, it pains me. Leaving me cold and numb, wanting to weep your tears for you, willing to take your pain away from you. I'd bear your burdens myself if it would help ease you. But I can't.
All I can do is look into those eyes, his light blue eyes, and hope.
I can only look into his clear blue eyes and give my caring. Give my concern. Give my tenderness, and pray that it is enough.
To give my love and hope it will heal. I can't be sure. I can only hope and can only love you.
Ai shiteru.
Always,
Natsumi