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Howdy folks. Here's issue number three of my column. Check out the
archives for the more serious issues of this column. I've decided to be a little more light hearted this time to get into the spring training spirit and help my neighbors in Red Sox Nation do the same. Cheers and here's to a happy opening day!
In order to get ready for the Red Sox opening day, every fan needs a
collection of fan paraphernalia and other assorted items to properly cheer
on their Red Sox whether at home, the bar or the stadium.
Let's start simple:
A GLOVE AND BALL OR A BASEBALL BAT - these are for nothing more than
to get you in the mood. No smell outside of street vendors or fresh cut
grass is more associated with baseball than worn leather. Let's face it,
the average sports fan would burn down the kitchen if forced to pay
attention to Italian sausage sizzling on the stove when the game is on.
Don't try it. You'll regret it. And I love the smell of fresh cut grass as
much as the next guy but I ain't mowing it 5-6 days a week. WARNING:
The Red Sox have an 81 year history of frustrating their fans so try to
resist every temptation (a Herculean feat for most of us) to throw the
baseball at the TV or bash it with the bat. If you don't trust yourself,
please replace the ball and bat with a wiffle ball products - harmless, yet
effective for releasing frustrations.
RED SOX WARDROBE - you are not a fan if you are not wearing
something with a big red B on it. Some of us (ahem, paul the webmaster)
would wear a Red Sox uniform if it fit in the family budget. For the rest
of us normal (or less dedicated folks as Paul would put it) folks, one
visible item will do just fine so make sure you have a hat or t-shirt on
when watching the game. If it's all you got, then you hafta either walk
around (in public if need be) in your Red Sox boxers or wear them on the
outside of your pants so you have plenty of motivation to go shopping for
what you need.
LIST OF EXCUSES - for wife/girlfriend on why you can't be with her
or do something for her during a game. Let's face it, a baseball game takes
more time to play than just about any other game (if any of you pipes in
Saturday Afternoon Bowling on ABC I'm coming through your modem to smack
you), and that's a big window of time for the li'l lady to be put on hold on
a weekend or week night. Women are great for a lot of things, but sports is
rarely one of them. And if you found one the few women that are good at
this too, I'm coming through the modem and smacking you again. Don't taunt
the rest of us with your good fortune. When it's time to sit back and watch
the game with a cold brewski, the ol' ball and chain usually wants you to
mow the lawn or fix something or spend quality time together or some crap
like that. So if you haven't set her straight with your list of Red Sox
priorities yet (in some cases, truly impossible), you'll need to make up an
official excuse list near the phone or on the bottom side of the brim of
your cap if your married to make sure you're covered when you're beckoned.
Please don't be a moron and leave the list where she can see it! Remember
in the bud light commercial where all the guys had great alibis and that one
idiot stuffed a pair of pants to look like he was working underneath a push
mower? Don't be that guy and ruin the alibis for the rest of us that still
have some brain cells left behind from the beer. OK?
KNOWLEDGE - and I don't mean that fuzzy, ugly disaster of a
marketing idea for ESPN's NHL 2nite. Know your stuff when you watch the
game: players, history, how we've creatively managed to loose the big games,
etc. We need this for two reasons. The first is that if we don't know what
we're talking about we make Red Sox nation look bad and it's tough to get
new fans that way. Second, no matter where you go, there's always some
Yankees band wagon idiot and if you don't know your stuff there's no way you
can combat the 25 World Series Championships rebuttal in an argument. Just
don't be the goofball that over does it and talks Red Sox non stop a la
Cliff Claven to the point of nausea for even the most die hard of the Red
Sox Nation's citizens. You'll make us look bad and you'll never ever have a
need for the alibis I mentioned in the previous section. Never. Trust me.
The only notches on your headboard will be from your 21 cats using it as a
scratching post. Not pretty.
A YANKEES FAN - I'm sure you're wondering what the heck I'm talking
about here. Follow me for a bit and give me a chance with this one. Red
Sox-Yankees (notice the team listed first) is arguably the greatest rivalry
in all of sports. Hating the Yankees is an integral part of being Red Sox
fan. Therefore, a true fan must interact with Yankees fan to carry out his
impetus as a member of Red Sox nation. Being a citizen of Red Sox nation
entails losing in some new, creative and down right sickening fashion each
year (though we keep our fingers crossed) and having a Yankees fan right
there to kick us in the family jewels while we're down. True Red Sox fans
get up, albeit slowly and painfully, and start talking new hope by the
winter meetings. It's a coming of age so to speak for every Red Sox fan.
We must all go through it for a first time and after that it keeps getting
easier - kinda like the first time you actually give up something you care
about for lent. It sucks, but you know what to expect next time and how to
deal with the agony. We also need Yankee fans because there is nothing more
exhilarating than the constant back and forth bickering that we engage in.
Granted, they have 19 more championships than we do and they were all alive
during a handful of them but we need to keep our skills sharp for when we
finally win it, or at least beat the Yankees in the ALCS (this one I can
smell better than that Italian sausage you're burning on the stove cuz
you're not paying attention while checking out this cool site) so while
they're on the ground in the fetal position crying, we know exactly what to
say to make it feel like we kicked 'em square in the steak and potatoes.
That and what better example for your kid as to what a loser is and how to
avoid becoming one as they grow up. Rarely will you cross a more important
life lesson.
That's about it folks. Of course, there are more things you can have as you
root for the sox this season but these are may basics to start you out.
Feel free to edit and add, but please don't subtract because these truly are
the bare essentials. Have fun rooting for the Sox this year and here's to
having something to cheer for in October!
patdaddy@prodigy.net
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