Well, opening day for major league baseball has come and gone for all of us baseball enthusiasts. It's been a little over two weeks and soon the real opening day for us will start. That's right folks - softball season. This is the true season for enthusiasts. This is the season we don't have to watch over grown crybabies ruin our sport that we love so much. Nope, this is the season where we get to emulate our favorite over-grown crybabies and ruin the sport ourselves! Back in the day when me and my roommates at UMass Dartmouth had ourselves an intramural team, we took things very seriously. We showed up 2 hours before game time, took full fielding and batting practice, talked strategy about the team we were about to play and even painted lines on the field ourselves. However, our neurotic selves are not the softball norm. The softball norm is a bunch of guys and girls out to screw around and have a good time. Most of the time, they try to relive their youth or their favorite play's on ESPN's game of the week and look foolish doing it. To get it straight, we're gonna go through how to emulate your favorite players and teams to best make your season seem like the real season.

First, you need a can of chewing tobacco, a wad of Big League Chew bubble gum or bag of sunflower seeds. Someway, somehow, you need to put in your mouth something that gives you an amazing urge to spit something foul infrequent intervals. Remember, never swallow any of these, despite Lenny Dykstra's claim that he swallow's his chew all the time. Please, what ever you do, don't swallow the sunflower seed casings. You might as well swallow shards of glass!

Next, buy a $150 pair of cleates. You don't need anything this expensive but it's all the rage in basketball to do this, so we should do the same, though I can't remember the last time a professional athlete bought their own shoes?

Besides wearing the right clothes and spitting the right foreign substance, you need to act a certain way. That means picking your favorite player and emulating their idiosyncrasies. However, don't pick one that wastes time. I love Nomar, but anyone that wastes daylight with his batter's box antics deserves to get beaned by that girl pitcher in the league you didn't realize threw nasty 72 mph fastballs on a D1 softball team. 72 mph on a major league 60 foot mound is a grapefruit. 74 mph on a 45 foot softball mound is Pedro-esque. Wear a helmet and a cup if you try to be like Nomar. Good bets to go with are a Sammy Sosa homerun peace sign, the old A's bash brothers routine or the Dieon sanders butt wiggle when he's taking a lead. A girl pointed that out to me -not my idea.

If you're not feeling like a major leaguer yet (and you need to before you step on the field), go beat your wife with a telephone (Wil Cordero), throw a firecracker into a parking lot full of people as you leave the park (Vince Coleman), inhale some white powder (The Straw), go on a tirade only and idot could and piss off a city full of the meanest, battery-throwing goons in the entire world (duh!).

Now that you look good, you need to play good. Don't practice this. And don't tell me you will, cuz we all know you won't. Try to throw on the run like Nomar. You'll pop somebody's girlfriend on the sidelines in the eye but you'll get commended for trying a tough play.

Dive for a line drive ala Jim Edmonds. In all likely-hood, you won't come close to the catch and you'll break several bones in your upper body. But just imagine all the attention you'll get from the ladies with a cast and war hero story. Play your cards right and break enough bones - we're talking sponge bath from a cute nurse at the hospital!

Actually believe your second baseman (you know the girl or guy from the office that has never played before and is just taking up space so you don't have to forfeit) can turn a double play and rifle a throw that knocks out a few teeth. Hey, it woulda kept ya from getting mercy ruled so ya gotta give it a try!

Now it's time to talk product recognition. Every major league dugout is full of name brands screaming for the camera's attention. The most noticeable is those big ugly Gatorade water jugs. Could there be an uglier color this side of peuce? So go get one for your team. But let's be realistic and not put water in there. Throw in some ice and a quarter barrel. This keeps you from littering cans and the police from squashing your fun while playing on town property. It may make you feel white trash, but it's high class white trash, folks

If you've put in your time with a team for at least 5 years, it's time for you to get your big league contract and stop working for beer. I'm serious here. If you've put in that much time on a team, that no doubt sucks most of the time, you deserve compensation. Obviously, no one's gonna give you money. So you need to get creative with what you deserve. You deserve at the very least to wiggle out of paying for your share of the post-game pizza once a month. Never again should you have to lug the bat bag or the beer to the field. Also, in the lack of a PA system at the field, your first base coach should yell your position and full name before every at bat so that you are announced as you deserve. Don't let your team forget to cheer recklessly at this point cuz otherwise you're gonna look foolish.

Finally, we come to the most important thing of all - the homerun trot. This is not for the field with no fence and you gotta bust your rear to get the four-bagger in the books. No, this is for the little league or high school girl's softball field you play on with the 200 foot fence. You know, the fence that makes you feel manly cuz you just hit out a homer, just like a 13 year old girl did three times earlier that week against real pitching. The fence you could clear with a titliest and your putter. Now that you've popped that monster 210 foot drive and feel the testosterone roaring, it's time to show up the pitcher and get the batter behind you plunked. Bust out of the box and jump like Carlton Fisk, even if ft 50 feet fair. Hi-five first base coach so hard his hand falls off. Then do a little spin as you hit second. When crossing third, point and flash those taunting pearly whites (not very stylish if they're fielding and 8 people and there is no bench so pay attention). When crossing home plate, give Sammy's seven part peace sign/chest thump, let the adrenaline take over and slug the next better in the gut ala Mark McGuire just hard enough to knock the wind out of 'em (be mindful of her boyfriend who is guaranteed to be bigger than you), bump knuckles with everyone and smack every cute girl on the team in the ass. Well, you've probably drunk enough Natural Light by now so go ahead and smack the ugly girls on the ass too. You've earned it!

patdaddy@prodigy.net