Before we get into this weeks column, I need to make some remarks about my last column. Knowing that our webmaster was on vacation and wouldn't post it until 6 games later and knowing that I was going to be too busy to write it over the weekend due to serious partying, the Sox made me look a bit the fool by proceeding to win 6 in a row and putting some holes in my untimely analysis. First off, Brian Rose showed he could do better than beating the Babe Ruth league team I mentioned and fought his way to an encouraging win agianst the the geriatric ward of the AL East we like to call the Baltimore Orioles. If Camden Yards wasn't such a great park and the AL East so exciting, there would be no point in this team existing. Wilton Veras is spanking the ball since I last wrote and has his average over .300 for the first time, but I still say he needs to get that defense a bit more consistent. He's the best defensive third basemen we've had since Wade Boggs realized there's more to baseball than playing pepper with the Green Monster. As long as he doesn't loose too much time to platooning with Johnny V, he should be very solid by the all star break. He's got the skills, but all young players need the time to live up to it. As far as roster spots. I stick by what I said. When Johnny V. and Nomar come back, it's time to ditch Manny Alexander and Andy Sheets. Andy will be great next year when we unload Frye's salary but he's got to go back to the minors for now. It's blatantly obvious we need to keep Sadler and he can fill any void in the outfield as well as rest our infielders. Frye can do the same. Don't forget that the little guy played 6 positions for us a couple years back. Mixing time for Sadler, Offerman, Stanley and Dauhbach will be tough but I expect either Dauhbach or Stanley will be gone next year, along with Frye and maybe Johnnie V. (we can only have so many high priced DH types) to make permanent room for Sadler and Dernell Stenson - who is said to be our first baseman of the future. Also, I made a mistake when refering to catcher of the future Shea Hilldebrand. I meant Steve Lomansney - always mix their names up for some reason. I think I need to convince webmaster Paul to hire me an editor. Finally, as far as Brad Radke goes, our legit trade bait in Micheal Coleman went south when he broke his wrist and is out for the season. I am sad to say that if we get Radke, we'll most likely have to give up Brian Rose. I like Rose and think he has a great future ahead of him but Radke is only 4 years older (29) so trading away young talent isn't a bad idea here since Radke has at least 6 more years of top quality ball in front of him and we've got pitchers busting at the seams in AAA.

Back to this weeks topic. Well folks, I've been somewhat serious the last couple of columns (well sort of, maybe....ehhh - you're right, I just can't be serious) so I figured I should go back to my time honored tradition of ranting and raving about the state of sports. Despite all of my ranting this week about sports, y'all will be glad to read on and discover that I'm going to talk favorably about baseball and trash everything else.

I must start off my ranting and raving by saying thank God baseball has some decorum. Our national past time may be loosing popularity to "more exciting" sports like basketball, football and X-sports (preferably known as X-crap - seriously, once gen-x grows up to be the next baby boomers who the heck is gonna care about half those games), but at least our players aren't loosing their dignity and minds on the field like most professional athletes in America. Football players celebrating and doing booty shakes and other jazz after making routine tackles. I think the NFL sportsmanship committee needs to rethink their rules. C'mon, a wide reciever can't do the Ickey-shuffle anymore and Brett Farve can't run down the field with his helmet off after a touchdown, but some 325 pound goon can jiggle and shake in jubilation 35 yards down field after making a routine tackle? Yeah, makes a lot of sense. And don't get me started on basketball players. Too late. Superman signs, spelling your intitial with your arms and other nutty ideas. Tattoos don't count in this article but can I say that is a fad among basketball players that is butt ugly and has got to stop. Name a baseball player with a visible tattoo. If Iverson gets one more tattoo, no one will know if he's black or white The US Census will have to come up with a new race - like "Idiot Looking Fool" or "Needle Ass."

Despite the obvious idiocy of these practices and more, the showmanship of other sports it's taking away baseball's middle of the road fans. So, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Here are some practices we can adopt from other sports to bring back the fans and popularity. Though it is doubtful us diehards will enjoy the sport anymore, at least baseball will continue to exist, which is doubtful in it's current "boring" state that we know and love.

Spiking the baseball - This works great in the NFL. This is the only celebration in football that hasn't made me want to turn the TV off in embarassment for the players. It's great - simple, emphatic and to the point. I see nothing wrong with a player making a diving grab to get up and spike the baseball in the heat of the moment. But some warnings. First, outfielders on grass should not bother - the balls gonna plug and boy are they gonna look like idiots cuz the whole point is oohing and ahhing as the ball goes flying of somewhere. And anyone playing on turf should be aware that there's a high likelyhood the ball will bounce back in their face and clock 'em. ouch.

Celebration dances. One thing I do recognize is that there is a genuine lack of on the field emotion in baseball. Players don't even smile after or pump a fist after a great defensive play. I agree that this is part of what makes the game dignified and a final bastion of repectability in pro sports, but let's see what happens if we take some cues from other sports and spice it up a bit. Personally, I would love to see Sammy Sosa, instead of famed homerun trot, catch up to the rest of the guys on base and do some soccer style celebrations. Give them soccer guys props for only celebrating after goals, but dang, those celebrations are nutty! You know, everyone get on their hands and knees, grab the feet of the person in front of them, and do some twited three legged race kinda thing all the way to home plate. How about everyone slide into the dugout ala Sportscenter's Kenny Maine after scoring a goal in foosball. How about Randy Johnson trots around the infield doing Merton Hanks (former cb for 49'ers) and Shaq's chicken neck shuffle after every strike out, lord knows the Big Unit has got the neck for it.

What can we learn from hockey? Checking! If you force man out at a base, rub it in and shoulder check the unfortunate SOB as he runs by. I thought it was hilarious when an old boss did that to a mouthy employee during a company softball game.

Taunting. Since the networks won't mike the first basemen and catcher to listen in on players taunt each other, we need something more visible. How about Valdimir Guerrero trying to figure out how to make a G with his arms ala the Knicks Larry Johnson. nahhh, that's just too dumb - how about he just does the Antoine Walker Wiggle?

Dumping the gatorade jug - Hey, I'm all for this one. It's one of the best traditions in sports. I guess Parcells (the first recipient of th gatorade dousing) was worth something after all. If players are allowed to beat the jugs silly with bats, why not toss a few over the manger's head or the top of the pig pile? It's fitting, tasteful and the gatorade jugs finally get a bit of revenge after years of abuse.

Golf - just let them tee up with a titleist and a 5 iron from homeplate - between the juiced ball, juiced batters and money grubbing expansion ruining pitching - there wouldn't be much of a difference with the amount of runs scored.

Fighting - There can't be any worse fighters in pro sports than baseball players (no, mogul ski'ers and bocce players don't count). However, the hilarious thing is football and hockey players fight in full pads. Hockey players at least take off their gloves, but c'mon, what's the point? Entertainment! Let's dress up baseball players in a full-body Mo Vaugh/Craig Biggio elbow guard and let 'em fight. No one will get hurt and ratings will go up. Talk about rivalries. The next time Pedro blunks Roberto Alomar in his newly cushioned posterior, think of the fun! The dugouts empty and it's mass chaos with players swinging and bouncing off of each other! It'd be like a 50 person wrestling match with everyone in those crazy sumo wrestling outfits you see at spring weekend on college campuses! Imagine Pedro feeling so safe in pads that he does a Super Fly Snooka from the roof of the dugout, landing an atomic elbow on some pathetic (Diaz, Kaminicki, Vizquel,etc..) Indian's noggin! Wait a minute - when did beating up an Indian take precedent of Yankee hating? I'll get it right next time folks.

Though this sounds exciting, I must admit that while baseball players may not be boring and show any emotion after a good play except for when they're in the dugout, that's a heck of a lot better than having teams full of idiots and goons that make a laughing stock out of their livelyhood. I like the respect baseball players and fans have for the game. Let's keep it that way.

patdaddy@prodigy.net